Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

It doesn't really matter what a bunch of random mumsnetters think.

His wife isn't happy with it and you should respect that I think. She's so unhappy about it she threw him out.

I wouldn't want to wreck a marriage.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Oh and I trust my DH but there are lines which neither of us would cross because we respect each other .

Ah but restricting who they are friends with is a line you're both ok with? Sad

I thought I was commenting on a one off movie thing. "RTFT".

I'd be happy for DH to go to the cinema with another woman as long as I knew her and she was my friend too.

DH went to the theatre with a friend of ours because she had an extra ticket and I didn't like the show.

I'd hate it behind my back though.

tell women they shouldn't have boundaries people can have any boundaries they want but if the boundaries translate into "I don't trust my partner to know fuck any woman he's near" then they shouldn't be surprised when they end up single.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Oh and I trust my DH but there are lines which neither of us would cross because we respect each other .

Another snide one. Why do you need to make out like other couples who act differently mustn't respect one another because their behaviour doesn't mirror yours?

I think respecting one another involves absolute trust, to be honest. You feel differently and that's fine, but don't be snide about it. It's unnecessary.

I appreciate that I’ve never experienced being cheated on or a bad relationship which may hinder my understanding of the opposing view.
I had never stopped my husband doing anything with anyone and same with him with me.

SchrodingersImmigrant

Good for you.

@BonfireStarter

I wouldn't be happy, I'd say you should back off from this friendship for her sake. Maybe she would like to go to the cinema with him (to see something else).

Seriously?! Back off from a friendship she has had since she was 3 years old. Bloody hell some people really need to have a word with themselves

@ FilthyforFirth well we shall agree to disagree.

@AnnOfQueenSables Not being paranoid and possessive is not equivalent to "not having boundaries".

His wife isn't happy with it and you should respect that I think. She's so unhappy about it she threw him out. That didn't make the wife rational or mean that she should be obeyed. Is it ok if my DH controls who I'm friend with because he isn't happy otherwise?
I wouldn't want to wreck a marriage. Op hadn't done anything to wreck a marriage, that's the people in the marriage

It wouldn’t bother me at all because I trust my husband and I know he would never be unfaithful.

How do you know this?

It's always enlightening how many new posters turn up on threads to tell women they shouldn't have boundaries.
People can have whatever boundaries they like, it doesn't mean that people have to agree with them.

I'd be seriously considering the future of my marriage if DH decided that he had an issue with my male friends and wanted to police what we did when we hang out together.

I don't see how it's considered controlling for a man to police his wife's friendships and be moody over them, but when it comes to a woman doing the same thing we're expected to give her a pat on the back and tell her that it's totally reasonable.

SchrodingersImmigrant

I love Iron Man but seriously.

I think that was for me (you missed out the e). I will repeat again for the posters who missed it - his DW was unhappy, put him out and he went straight to stay with the OP. This isn't about the cinema. That is about boundaries.
As I've said DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex and socialise with them without each other. That's not the issue here.

@Cheetahfajita Why are you suggesting OP "wrecked a marriage"?

This place is nuts.

@ FudgeBrownie2019 I am not being snide but a PP had suggested that anyone who didn’t agree with their DH having a close friendship with a single woman was distrustful of their DH and I was making the point that I trust mine and I am sure he trusts me but I believe there should be boundaries . It’s my opinion , I don’t expect everyone to agree with me !

Some people just don't seem to get that having a female friend is ok, but actually going to the movies with them is an entirely different thing. Being ok with your husband having a female friend but not ok with them going to the movies together does not make the wife a controlling woman.

@Timekeeper2

Some people just don't seem to get that having a female friend is ok, but actually going to the movies with them is an entirely different thing. Being ok with your husband having a female friend but not ok with them going to the movies together does not make the wife a controlling woman.

Ah so they can be friends but not actually spend time together

You are aware that's not how friendships works right?

The OP has been friends with this man since they were 3 years old for Christ's sake

@ AnneOfQueenSables you have just put it so much better than me . I do have a good male friend who I occasionally meet for coffee but that’s it.

@Timekeeper2 so what are they allowed to do?

Yeah I would be as my husband’s best mate it a married lady.

I know for a fact he does not find her physically attractive in any way so their relationship doesn’t bother me at all and her and I are also now friends.

If she was his type it would probably bother me tbh.

Well, thankfully, the friends I know don't jeopardise their friend's marriages.
They know when to say 'actually it's not ok for you to stay here because your DW thinks our relationship is inappropriate and running straight to your lover is what you would do if we were having an affair'.

Yeah. I think you were making things worse in that instance in a way that wouldn't be best for your friend in the long run and somewhere deep down you know this, you just don't care. Which is fine I guess as your friend is now separated anyway, right?

Why are you rehashing this, really? Most people want different views to inform their own perspective but you're not listening in that way so what do you want out of this? Are you going to show it to your friend? Reassure him that his ex is an outlier and he's well rid? Do you have underlying doubts about your role? Why?

Again, I think you know more than is appropriate because obviously your friend could have spoken to someone else if he really wanted to get a handle on his failing relationship. Talking to you wasn't just talking. In the circumstances, it was pretty clear that it would be the final straw. I just wonder, why couldn't he have spoken to someone else at such a delicate moment in his relationship, when you have a lot going on too and didn't need to be dragged in further. Did he have no one else suitable? That seems...exclusive. Not everyone would be comfortable with that. His wife doesn't have to be ok with everything you'd be ok with.

Also, maybe she doesn't particularly like being indoors but prefers that to hanging with her husband's friends who don't get her. And just maybe she has tried quite hard to take a back seat in her own marriage while her husband supported his grieving friend and this cinema trip seemed, for reasons we don't understand, a painful kick in the teeth.

Either way, she's alone. Why pick her apart.