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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 05/08/2020 22:21

I’m not sure why you’ve asked, op, as you clearly think it’s all fine

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:22

They know when to say 'actually it's not ok for you to stay here because your DW thinks our relationship is inappropriate and running straight to your lover is what you would do if we were having an affair'. Where does op say he turned up at hers?

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2020 22:24

I find it strange that on MN if you dare to disagree with what another woman find an appropriate boundary within her own marriage you're snidely labelled a "cool wife" because god forbid anyone's marriage differs from yours. Is the opposite of a "cool wife" an "uptight, insecure wife"?

I'm not a cool wife and have no intention of ever attempting to become one, but when I say that I am perfectly happy for DH to spend time in the company of other women I am speaking the absolute truth.

Same here.

I hate the 'cool wife' thing as it seems to translate to either:

  1. 'I'm so convinced of my own righteousness that no woman could possibly have different hobbies / interests /sexual preferences / boundaries to me so she must be doing it all for the men'.
  2. 'I'm uptight and insecure about my own interests / hobbies /sexual preferences / relationship / boundaries so feel the need to sneer at another woman who I feel is responsible for highlighting my insecurities, so shall claim that she's doing it all for the men'.

I have male friends, DH has female friends. Neither of us would entertain a relationship where a spouse vetoed friendships based on genitals.

MrsMayo · 05/08/2020 22:24

He sounds a bit pathetic to be honest. He's making her out to be crazy but we dont know her side to the story. I'm used to men being men but his eagerness to book an Avengers film (sorry, but very childish) without telling his wife in the middle of the day with his bestie. How old is he?

Paddy1234 · 05/08/2020 22:24

What an enlightening thread.

God I am disappointed in these answers.

I wouldn't bat an eye. But then I am secure in my relationship.

dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 22:25

*Some things should be just between a couple.

If, rightly or wrongly, theres an issue with a third party in the marriage, that person shouldn't be the 'go to' person to talk about these issues if you want the marriage to last.

If one of my friends partners has an issue with me I wouldn't expect them to come to me to discuss what their partner said about me and stay at my house.*

She booted him out and OP is his oldest friend. I can’t see what he did wrong here. The only person embarrassing themselves and behaving inappropriately is the wife!

I don’t buy this ‘only between a couple’ when it comes to relationship issues. Yes you wouldn’t go around disclosing, for example, intimate medical details about your partner, but if you’re having issues it’s helpful to be able to discuss them with an outside person for an unbiased point of view. What are friends for if not to confide in and support each other? Keeping problems only within a relationship could well mean people don’t disclose abusive behaviour - which I would argue his wife’s is.

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:25

I posted for different views. I don’t have to agree with those views.
And this is about the cinema, because that’s why she kicked him out.

OP posts:
AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:26

In OP's posts. He turned up at her's after his DW put him out for the cinema trip and OP let him stay with her even though she knew his DW had put him out because she thought their friendship had crossed a line.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 22:26

@ FilthyforFirth of course I do however I have been to university, worked for over 40 years in various organisations , have had lots of interests and hobbies over the years and a wide circle of friends and can think if no- one who would be happy with their DH in this situation.
I do however know of several friends whose husbands who had close friendships with women and in ALL cases it ended badly .

TheAquaticDuchess · 05/08/2020 22:26

Also, threads like this are so depressingly heteronormative. I’m bisexual and had roughly equal numbers of female partners as male before I met my husband. Can you imagine if he was stressed that I might be shagging my friends since I’m attracted to men and women? I literally wouldn’t be able to see anyone, ever.

Luckily he trusts me as much as I trust him, and my very close and intimate friendships have never been a problem for him.

The mumsnet crowd who harp on making nasty digs about ‘cool wives’ have no concept of bisexuals.

Hoggleludo · 05/08/2020 22:26

Reading some of these comments leave me aghast.

Surely you trust your husbands?!? Even if you don’t trust the woman he’s with. You trust them enough to know that if a bereaved woman cane onto them. They’d turn them down?

I could not be in a marriage that I didn’t have trust

I trust my husband so much that he could be in bed naked with his favourite film star and know he wouldn’t cheat

I’ve got many male friends. My husband has many female friends. They are FRIENDS. Surely by now if there were any attraction they’d of tied it by now?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 22:27

@MrsMayo

He sounds a bit pathetic to be honest. He's making her out to be crazy but we dont know her side to the story. I'm used to men being men but his eagerness to book an Avengers film (sorry, but very childish) without telling his wife in the middle of the day with his bestie. How old is he?
Someone here is pathetic, but it ain't himConfused

I am over 30 and I really looked forward to see them.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 22:27

Oh and I trust my DH but there are lines which neither of us would cross because we respect each other .

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 22:27

OP you still haven't answered how often you see each other ?

bee222 · 05/08/2020 22:28

It's just quite intimate going to the cinema together

I feel a bit sorry for anyone who considers going to the cinema with your partner an intimate activity.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 22:28

I will rather be a "cool wife" than paranoid embarrassments of a woman...

Well that's really insulting. You have no idea what people have been through.

Hoggleludo · 05/08/2020 22:28

@yomommasmomma

1000000% would not. I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. I’d send him off and tell him to have a great time

There are some women who are secure in themselves and their relationships.

AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:29

It's always enlightening how many new posters turn up on threads to tell women they shouldn't have boundaries. Their names are always interesting too.

dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 22:30

Also, threads like this are so depressingly heteronormative

Also this. The patriarchal family model is very exclusionary and destructive to people’s mental health and self esteem if some of these replies are anything to go by.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/08/2020 22:30

It's just quite intimate going to the cinema together

I go to the cinema with my 79 year old Dad sometimes in the week when I can sneak a morning off work. Least intimate thing ever sat next to a hairy-eared Werthers-lover that wiped up my puke as a child.

Is it not possible to attend the cinema without intimacy? I probably ought to let him know.

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:30

Sorry @neonjumper we are eachother most days in term time as we do the school run. In the holidays we are eachother alone maybe once a week when he pops in after work and maybe twice with the kids as we both have 5 and 3 year olds so they play together. This is usually with other parents too though, there’s a group of maybe 6 of us who often do things together.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:30

@SchrodingersImmigrant I'm nearly 40 and I agree! The idea that they're only for children is quite odd. I won't be lettingy kid watch them for a long while

Oh and I trust my DH but there are lines which neither of us would cross because we respect each other* like being in a public place with a member of the opposite sex?

FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2020 22:32

Sorry @Oldbutstillgotit I dont mean to be rude bur I really dont think you do get it. You say you understand your experience isnt universal and then spend the rest of the post explaining how in the course of your life you have come into contact with lots and lots of people who all think the same as you.

I really dont think you quite grasp that you have come into contact with a tiny fraction of the population and as a PP pointed out we tend to surround ourselves with those who think similarly. So you can't take your experience and assume therefore that in 'real life' no one would be ok with this.

I know no one who wouldnt be ok with it, but I completely accept that people who think like you exist...

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:32

@AnneOfQueenSables

It's always enlightening how many new posters turn up on threads to tell women they shouldn't have boundaries. Their names are always interesting too.
Women shouldn't have boundaries when they're so restrictive and based on insecurity

I would absolutely leave my husband if he said he didn't like me going to the cinema with a male friend. It's called having respect and trust for your partner

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 22:33

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I will rather be a "cool wife" than paranoid embarrassments of a woman...

Well that's really insulting. You have no idea what people have been through.

If you have such issues that your partner can't have friends of different sex, don't get a partner before you work on yourself.
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