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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerned about friends sons behaviour

111 replies

Mecredi65 · 04/08/2020 09:52

My close friends son 4yrs is very bossy and rude. She was so happy last week when she told me how well he is doing at school and that she just doesn’t know where he gets all his confidence from, in his school report his teacher had said she has to constantly remind him that he is not the teacher and that he is very bossy with his friends and always has to be in charge in the game/during play. I wanted to say that it’s not confidence, Its actually quite arrogant. She finds his behaviour at home very hard he is very overpowering he will regularly hit her and say shut up but she seems to think this is how kids behave. Over the last few years other friends have said to her about his behaviour and it’s fallen on deaf ears and she thought it was funny when her in-laws suggested she shouldn’t have another one as she couldn’t manage son very well. What should I do?

OP posts:
PeacockBlues · 04/08/2020 09:54

You should mind your own business.

brastrapbroken · 04/08/2020 09:57

I wanted to say that it’s not confidence, Its actually quite arrogant.

He is FOUR. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to be arrogant.

Cloudfrost · 04/08/2020 09:58

Either drop the friendship if u can't cope with her blindness to it all or see her without son/steer topic of conversation away from him

PregnantAndTiredMum · 04/08/2020 09:59

You shouldn't do anything. It doesn't sound like it's impacting your life one bit.

Curiosity101 · 04/08/2020 10:01

If she's your close friend and hasn't asked for your opinion on this then I'd just keep quiet.

Branleuse · 04/08/2020 10:01

Hes 4.

Thats all.

NYMM · 04/08/2020 10:02

Do teachers really make such negative comments about a 4 year old?
Calling him 'bossy' suggests she thinks he's a bully.

cosmo30 · 04/08/2020 10:08

He is only 4, why is this bothering you so much?

Original poster
Mecredi65 · 04/08/2020 10:12

She has previously asked why my dd is good and why she doesn’t hit me, what can I say to that, I’m quite a strict parent but we all have different parenting styles. On occasions when we have been out and he has started shouting at her and the hit her in the face with a water bottle I did step in and suggest I took him for a little walk to calm down (this was during a picnic and he wanted a third cake and got very angry when he was told no).

OP posts:
skecher · 04/08/2020 10:15

What would your solution be if it were your child OP?

serialreturner · 04/08/2020 10:18

Jesus Wept. You sound like a nightmare.

He is 4............ MYOB FFS!

bigbluebus · 04/08/2020 10:19

@brastrapbroken My Health Visitor described my DS as "manipulative" - at his 3 yr check! She wrote it in his red book. I still have it - he's 23 now.

Original poster
Mecredi65 · 04/08/2020 10:24

If he were my child he wouldn’t be hitting or shouting. My children have always had boundaries and hitting Or shouting isn’t something we condone in our home.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 04/08/2020 10:29

He's four years old and it's none of your business so you shoud do nothing. If his mum is worried and asks for your support suggest she speaks to the school as they will have a better grasp of whether this child's behaviour is in any way outside of typical for a four year old simply because of the numbers they see. Don't offer opinions based on your experience of your own child.

User87471643901065319 · 04/08/2020 10:32

OP, you should do nothing. You have not been asked for your advice.

helterskelter3 · 04/08/2020 10:34

Unless you’ve had a child that hits and kicks and lashes out, I don’t think you should comment. It’s very easy to say “I wouldn’t stand for it” when you’ve not had to deal with that type of behaviour full time. He may grow out of it. It’s not just because a parent is “strict” that a child doesn’t hit them.

PurpleDaisies · 04/08/2020 10:35

You shouldn’t do anything. It is none of your business.

blagaaw99 · 04/08/2020 10:35

He might have SEN issues OP.

VincaMinor · 04/08/2020 10:36

Surprised at the people who think hitting your mum, including in the face with a bottle, and telling her to shut up is normal 4 year old behaviour. Presumably because they allow similar with their own kids. Poor teachers having to deal with kids brought up with no boundaries like that!

Original poster
Mecredi65 · 04/08/2020 10:41

No I’m actually a SENCO I don’t believe has a SEN, yes I’m surprise at how many people think it’s ok to be hit by a child I think this is why my friend thinks it ok

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 04/08/2020 10:41

Hold ten really need to know boundaries at any age and always that hitting/biting/scratching (whatever physical issue it may be) others is not acceptable behaviour . Does not matter if child is 2, 4, 8 or whatever.

If not, When does it suddenly become ok for a child to know boundaries?

OP, if the child were to hurt your child, of course step in and let that child know it’s not acceptable behaviour and remove your child

If you friend asks you why your child behaves, then at that time explain about boundaries. Unfortunately, unless she asks, you’ll only be seen as the bad guy. I do understand that as she’s your good friend, you feel a need to help her out. But don’t.

Damnloginpopup · 04/08/2020 10:43

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BlingLoving · 04/08/2020 10:44

Well, your friend is clearly delusional about her son's behaviour, but I don' think you can or should do anything. The comments in his report are going to become ever more pointed, and in time, she's going to get called in by the school to discuss his behaviour. At some point, she might start to realise there really is a problem and ask your advice. If so, you may want to consider offering it, gently. But until then, smile and nod.

Incidentally, I speak with a little experience. SIL really had no idea that she was not helping matters with her DS. When asked, DH and i would make minor suggestions but we certainly weren't going to get into anything major with her. Over the last year, repeated complaints from nursery, along with their thoughts now what she could/should be doing at home, has seen significant improvement. Many of those things are things she and I had discussed but she never implemented. I don't care. It's working. I'm optimistic this will continue to improve.

BoggledBudgie · 04/08/2020 10:45

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BlingLoving · 04/08/2020 10:45

OP, if the child were to hurt your child, of course step in and let that child know it’s not acceptable behaviour and remove your child

If you friend asks you why your child behaves, then at that time explain about boundaries. Unfortunately, unless she asks, you’ll only be seen as the bad guy. I do understand that as she’s your good friend, you feel a need to help her out. But don’t.

This is good advice, much better expressed than I managed!