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Original poster

Concerned about friends sons behaviour

111 replies

Mecredi65 · 04/08/2020 09:52

My close friends son 4yrs is very bossy and rude. She was so happy last week when she told me how well he is doing at school and that she just doesn’t know where he gets all his confidence from, in his school report his teacher had said she has to constantly remind him that he is not the teacher and that he is very bossy with his friends and always has to be in charge in the game/during play. I wanted to say that it’s not confidence, Its actually quite arrogant. She finds his behaviour at home very hard he is very overpowering he will regularly hit her and say shut up but she seems to think this is how kids behave. Over the last few years other friends have said to her about his behaviour and it’s fallen on deaf ears and she thought it was funny when her in-laws suggested she shouldn’t have another one as she couldn’t manage son very well. What should I do?

OP posts:
BoggledBudgie · 04/08/2020 10:46

This reply has been deleted

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/08/2020 10:49

She has previously asked why my dd is good the truth is it’s genetics and luck.
My 3yr old daughter has just started shouting and being bossy, of course she is told off and we engage the naughty step when needed but I’m also conscious sometimes it’s for attention and some advice is to ignore and not rise to it. Fact is she reminds me of me as a toddler, I was a nightmare, my sister was an angel- it’s not always down to parenting and it’s very naive to think it’s solely down to Your parenting that you have a “good” child.

Miljea · 04/08/2020 10:50

You probably can't do anything but disengage.

I am also in the minority here, in saying four is old enough to have begun a mastery of self.

Hitting people with objects tends to demonstrate that there is a problem.

Sadly those who can't see that very probably are 'parenting' without boundaries, too.

Pamalarrrr · 04/08/2020 10:50

@VincaMinor

Surprised at the people who think hitting your mum, including in the face with a bottle, and telling her to shut up is normal 4 year old behaviour. Presumably because they allow similar with their own kids. Poor teachers having to deal with kids brought up with no boundaries like that!
This ^^ 100%
Miljea · 04/08/2020 10:51

@BoggledBudgie

Hmm Biscuit nasty cow.

I see a raw nerve has been hit, here....

Trashtara · 04/08/2020 10:52

Mecredi65 have your children ever actually hit you though? I have a 4yo, he doesn't hit. I'm not going to say that's because I'm a brilliant parent, it isn't. it just isn't his personality to hit all that much.

It's like the people on here that claim kids that bite are being abused or not parented correctly, no, some kids bite, some don't (mine don't).

He is 4. She may need to put more boundaries in, he may have SEN, he may just be a boisterous 4yo that will grow out of it. We don't know. But what I do know, is that you need to keep your nose out.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2020 10:53

@brastrapbroken

I wanted to say that it’s not confidence, Its actually quite arrogant.

He is FOUR. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to be arrogant.

If he has to be reminded he is not the teacher and if he is bossy with his friends he has something even if you don't call it 'arrogance'. It's not good and his Mum has misunderstood the report if she thinks it is.
TheStuffedPenguin · 04/08/2020 10:54

[quote bigbluebus]@brastrapbroken My Health Visitor described my DS as "manipulative" - at his 3 yr check! She wrote it in his red book. I still have it - he's 23 now.[/quote]
The midwife on the ward with my first child said they know how to manipulate you from Day One 😀

Mydogisthebestest · 04/08/2020 10:56

What everyone else said. He is 4.

And unless she asks, there is no way for you to say anything that won’t offend her. And even then it’s dicey.

Heartofstrings · 04/08/2020 10:58

My 3.5 year old is an absolute bugger. He hits, bites, is bossy, snatches toys. I parent him consistently, firmly and kindly. His brother is a total opposite. I do wonder why my 3 year old is like this and it gets me down. However I am confident enough to think i am a good parent

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2020 11:00

@Mecredi65

No I’m actually a SENCO I don’t believe has a SEN, yes I’m surprise at how many people think it’s ok to be hit by a child I think this is why my friend thinks it ok
So you're teacher, not a doctor.

It doesn't matter what you do or don't believe Hmm

Over the last few years other friends have said to her about his behaviour and it’s fallen on deaf ears

You mean the last few years when he was a baby and a toddler?

user327253 · 04/08/2020 11:01

There is nothing worse than parents who think their children are less impulsive than others because they implement boundaries and other feckless parents don't. It's really egotistical to think it's all you being such a good parent. My kids are amazing eaters, will eat anything, I don't claim that to be my amazing boundaries around food when we encounter fussy eaters, just genetic luck, the same as children's personalities. Some of my kids have hit and bitten me when frustrated, some haven't. The hitting and biting ones were disciplined certainly, it had zero effect at the time. What boundaries have you found to be so effective? Or did your children never actually go through those phases so you don't actually know?

User50000999788887876655 · 04/08/2020 11:01

I’m sure your child is perfect and never ever ever has meltdowns. Let me just print out your perfect parent certificate.

Trashtara · 04/08/2020 11:02

@user327253

There is nothing worse than parents who think their children are less impulsive than others because they implement boundaries and other feckless parents don't. It's really egotistical to think it's all you being such a good parent. My kids are amazing eaters, will eat anything, I don't claim that to be my amazing boundaries around food when we encounter fussy eaters, just genetic luck, the same as children's personalities. Some of my kids have hit and bitten me when frustrated, some haven't. The hitting and biting ones were disciplined certainly, it had zero effect at the time. What boundaries have you found to be so effective? Or did your children never actually go through those phases so you don't actually know?
You said it so much better than me.

It is mainly genetics, personality and a big heap of luck. Very little to do with parenting.

VenusTiger · 04/08/2020 11:06

There's always a reason for this type of behaviour at such a young age, he's either learned it from an adult, or he's expressing some form of anger/frustration in a way a 4yr old might be expected to since he's not emotionally intelligent being only 4. So @Mecredi65 what has happened so far to him? anything major? does his dad work away from home or have his parents split up?
Two "angry" boys in my son's class years ago, about same age as your friend's son actually, hit and shouted the teachers and friends - one of them the father worked in the army and he hated not seeing him for months on end and the other boy's parents split up and it changed him as you would expect. They're both much improved now.

skecher · 04/08/2020 11:07

The midwife on the ward with my first child said they know how to manipulate you from Day One

My HV told me they don't truly know how to manipulate you until they're around 18 months, give or take.

PalTheGent · 04/08/2020 11:08

@user327253

There is nothing worse than parents who think their children are less impulsive than others because they implement boundaries and other feckless parents don't. It's really egotistical to think it's all you being such a good parent. My kids are amazing eaters, will eat anything, I don't claim that to be my amazing boundaries around food when we encounter fussy eaters, just genetic luck, the same as children's personalities. Some of my kids have hit and bitten me when frustrated, some haven't. The hitting and biting ones were disciplined certainly, it had zero effect at the time. What boundaries have you found to be so effective? Or did your children never actually go through those phases so you don't actually know?
Yep, was about to write something similiar myself but you've summed it up nicely.
CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 04/08/2020 11:08

op you are a senco but you are not qualified to make judgement about whether he has SEN imo

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2020 11:08

The midwife on the ward with my first child said they know how to manipulate you from Day One This is true, to an extent, it's a survival instinct. You could call it communication rather than manipulation, though. At some point an older school/nursery age child will try to undermine the parent by manipulating. Like the child who cries as if heartbroken when being left at nursery but turns it off like a tap as soon as the parent goes out of the door.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 04/08/2020 11:09

be kind to your friend op

Staplemaple · 04/08/2020 11:10

If he were my child he wouldn’t be hitting or shouting. My children have always had boundaries and hitting Or shouting isn’t something we condone in our home

It's almost as if every child is different and their actions and behaviour isn't just down to their parenting. Can't say that I'm sadly that surprised you hold that view yet are a SENCO.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 04/08/2020 11:11

if you are a senco you have resources at your fingertips presumably?
parent programmes?

3hoursofPeppa · 04/08/2020 11:11

Wtf am I reading on this thread? He is 4 not 2. He can and should be learning to regulate his behaviour and socialise properly. My DS is 4 and can be trick, rudey and emotional at times and needs constant boundary enforcement like all 4 year olds, but any hint of hitting or telling me to shut up, or anything like that school report would be swiftly acted upon. The mum is setting him up to be a nasty bully no one likes and a lifetime of misery. I do think you should say something. She might not like it but if there's any chance she might reflect on his behaviour and start to try to help him change, it's worth it in my view.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/08/2020 11:16

Nothing at all. He's 4 and has time to learn that being a leader and confident is absolutely fine but he needs to consider others around him.

One of the girl that was at my DD nursery took on a job at my company recently. I was quite curious when I realised as she was the bossy boots at nursery during that time. Very authoritative, talking back, telling everyone what to do, and quite a pain in the bottom.

She is now 22, and absolutely lovely. Very pleasant and considerate but yes, she still
has that assertiveness and natural leadership attributes she had then, which has done her well as she got on a very competitive and successful apprenticeship.

corythatwas · 04/08/2020 11:16

OP, you are confusing two totally different things here.

Yes, it is normal for 4yos to come across as "arrogant"- this is an age where they gradually need to develop a measure of independence from their parents and find the confidence to try things themselves. They have limited social skills and often a huge imagination.

However, it is also the job of the parent to keep their 4yo under control and get them used to the idea that they won't be allowed to be rude or hurt other people.

There are 4yos who have serious problems (SN or emotional trauma or attachment disorders) and who go into uncontrollable meltdowns for that reason. In that case, it is the job of the parent to find the balance between discipline and support. This is hard and requires a lot of thinking, not to mention endless determination in trying to locate resources.

But there are also many children who simply get a bit carried away with being 4 and settle down fine once they have boundaries.