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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Violent dog and 9mo DS

112 replies

cuddlypenguins · 03/08/2020 15:13

So just before i found out i was pregnant with now 9mo DS, we were visiting DPs DF and DSM for an evening. Towards the end of the evening, their dog bit my face through to the bone, leading to stitches and black eyes for a while.
Fast forward to now and DP has understandably told his DF and DSM that they cannot have DS overnight as they still have the dog.
Dog has tried to bite DP in the past, but he brushed it off as want more than a nick, hes an animal lover and there wasnt a child involved.
His DSM has been like a second mum to him, has been in his life since he was a child and treated him as her own. However she was never able to have children of her own and treats the dog like her baby.
His DF, hates animals, so the dog probably hasn't had the best life with him and that could be the cause for the aggression, but its not worth putting our DS at risk.
DP had the conversation with his DF as lockdown is easing and they started asking for overnight visits. So DP told his DF they can't have DS overnight as its too dangerous. The conversation was civil and he said he understood and it was for the best.
Once his DF told his DSM though, it has turned into an argument where we have been called ungrateful etc after everything they've done for us, and do we really think they'd be stupid enough to put DS at risk?
Problem is on more than one occasion now when we have visited them on the understanding the dog is kept well away from DS, they have let the dog out around him as if it is no big deal, so we worry they can't be trusted to keep the dog away if we are not there.
Its escalated now to them having been almost totally NC since, with DPs DF talking to him briefly but seemingly trying to play both sides for an easy life.
This means for the time being by their choice they aren't seeing DS, which is making us angry as it feels as if they are putting their violent dog before their DGC.
We want to resolve this without causing more of an argument but dont know how.
AWBU to stand our ground and say absolutely not?

OP posts:

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 03/08/2020 15:20

I think I would have reported the dog after it bit you through to the bone! And I’m a dog owner. They have an out of control dangerous dog. You are absolutely correct to say your child will never ever be anywhere near the dog. To say “do we really think they'd be stupid enough to put DS at risk?” is redundant because they’ve already done so by letting the dog out around you, and that risk turned into a live issue when the dog attacked you before your DS. If they want to see DS they can come to you without the dog, and to be honesty I wouldn’t even want DSM there she sounds like a twat.

Scentsandsensible · 03/08/2020 15:25

This is so sad. Obviously you cannot negotiate on your da going there but could you at least let them come to you (minus the dog)?

raspberryk · 03/08/2020 15:25

I would have insisted the dog be put down when it bit your face. I would also never go there again with the dog still present especially not with your child, never mind overnights.
You aren't overreacting but there is some serious underreacting going on.
I am an animal lover and lifelong dog owner btw.

Leaannb · 03/08/2020 15:27

@Scentsandsensible

This is so sad. Obviously you cannot negotiate on your da going there but could you at least let them come to you (minus the dog)?

Wanna bet they refuse because she can't have the baby by nerself?

BKCRMP · 03/08/2020 15:27

I think you are perfectly reasonable. A dog doing that much damage is flat out dangerous and would kill an infant

Original poster

cuddlypenguins · 03/08/2020 15:28

They are welcome to visit here and they know this. Or even take DS out for the day themselves without the dog. But have just chosen to not be interested for the time being since we've said he can't go there overnight. In hindsight I should have reported it, but didn't know I was pregnant at the time and it was actually my first time meeting them so didn't want to start things off on a sour note (silly I know)

OP posts:

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 03/08/2020 15:28

Allowing her to play house with your ds is for her benefit anyway... She has shown your ds being safe isn't her priority.. She can still have a relationship with him at your home..
Yanbu to keep your ds safe.

Kiki275 · 03/08/2020 15:31

YANBU! I love dogs but I wouldn't let my children anywhere near a known violent one. Small children are rowdy and unpredictable and cannot be trusted to behave respectfully around any dog, never mind one with little tolerance and on its own territory.
If your in-laws turned their back, or let down their guard, for one second it could end in heartbreak. You are completely doing the right thing by keeping your child away... for both the child & the dog.

Deadringer · 03/08/2020 15:31

My baby wouldn't be going near their house ever. The dog is dangerous, they can visit you without it, they will just have to accept that. As for overnights, are they a thing? My dc never stayed overnight at gps, except the odd occasion when we needed a babysitter. Anyway, it would be a hell no from me, stand your ground.

ddl1 · 03/08/2020 15:31

YANBU. The dog injured you quite badly - not even just a nip. And your dh's parents either didn't see it coming, or were unable to control the dog. This already shows that they cannot be fully trusted to control this particular dog. Some would have insisted on reporting the dog at that point! You cannot risk your baby's welfare. Often aggressive dogs are worse with crawling babies and toddlers than with adults, because small children are more 'dog size'. Not a risk worth taking!

Papyrus · 03/08/2020 15:32

I wouldn’t let them have sole care even without the dog present. They’ve shown that their assessment of risk is impaired, I wouldn’t be able to trust them.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/08/2020 15:33

Why are they so obsessed with having your DC overnight by themselves? What's wrong with seeing a child with its parents? Or in its own house?

Why does everyone seem to want to 'play babies' the second they become grandparents?

I've got a difficult and reactive dog. I don't invite people with small children round. If I want to see my GC I go to their houses. Simple.

Perch · 03/08/2020 15:35

I am 1000% a dog person.
You cannot let you baby be around the dog, ever.
For context, I shut my sloppy dopey golden retriever away when I can’t supervise him around my kids. He is still a dog and kids are unpredictable..

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/08/2020 15:38

Why has the dog not been put to sleep?. You are more than compromising with partners Dreadful Step Mother.
Personally, I’d say no visits from DS ever until dog is got rid of.
It’s their choice and you have a right to be angry, but you can’t make then chose their grandson over a violent dog.

Original poster

cuddlypenguins · 03/08/2020 15:39

@kiki275 thats what our thinking was the dog has already proved hes a serious safety risk never mind with a small child that will grab, climb, shout etc. It only takes half a second for things to go massively wrong even if well supervised.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/08/2020 15:43

Jesus wept! I'm a dog owner and had my dog done that to you I'd have been at the vet sooner than you got to the hospital!

The mix of havng an aggressive dog and also having aggressive wants and needs before you child is even born suggest one or both of them might be a teensy bit odd. Say no, mean no!

Hidingtonothing · 03/08/2020 15:47

I'm a SM with a (technically step)DGS the same age as your DS. My dogs are friendly and well socialised and have always been around my DD who was 4 when we got the dogs. But I am very aware that they've never been around babies, that they're not used to a baby being in their home and so contact between them and DGS is minimal (he absolutely loves animals so difficult to have none!) and heavily supervised.

I can't get my head around the SM's stance here, the possible repercussions of her allowing the dog around your DS don't bear thinking about. For the dog as well as DS, if she can't bring herself to put the baby first surely she can see that the dog would definitely be PTS if it attacked a child? You can't argue with that level of stupidity OP and you have no choice but to stick to your guns, you can't possibly put your DS at risk just because SM is being completely stupid and short sighted. You are 100% right here and she is 100% wrong so don't be swayed by guilt over the lack of relationship, that's their doing not yours

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/08/2020 15:48

After it attacked you and tried to attack your DH I wouldn't let your DS be in the same house, even with you present. Since no one was able to save you from attack.
DSM shows no remorse or awareness that she is responsible for this dog, she just wants what she wants.
Also why does your baby have to be away from you overnight if you don't want that. Please stand your ground. Its not safe.

Norabird · 03/08/2020 15:48

I wouldn't let the baby be anywhere near the dog even if you are there! These things happen so fast you wouldn't be able to stop it. Once a dog has behaved like that you can never trust them. I say that as a dog lover. This is not an animal that should be around a baby or child.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2020 15:48

Why are so many grandparents obsessed with having their grandchildren on their own and so pushy about it.

You are doing the right thing. They are not.

campion · 03/08/2020 15:49

Your baby isn't a plaything and there is no way I'd leave a baby for a second in a house with a dangerous dog. Not to mention your dp's dsm has no experience of looking after a baby apparently.
Babies don't need to stay at anyone's house apart from yours. They need to be very familiar with whoever is looking after them which doesn't sound the case here. And that's without a dangerous dog in the mix.

You should have reported the attack but I can see why it was awkward for you. Dp's df needs to step up or risk losing contact with his dgs.

RedRumTheHorse · 03/08/2020 15:50

Has your DP SM always been an irresponsible dog owner?

Regardless of whether you were pregnant or not, the dog should not ha bitten you to the bone. Neither you or your DP should have continued to visit her in her house once the dog bit you unless they got rid of the dog.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 03/08/2020 15:52

I wouldn’t even visit with that dog in the house let alone leave my baby.
They can come to you. Stay strong - this is important. You sound like you are a peacemaker hence not reporting before - which I totally get! But this is about your baby, he comes first and it’s that simple. Try can just bloody do one if they don’t respect that.

Intelinside57 · 03/08/2020 15:53

I wouldn't ever be in the same house as the dog again after what happened. Of course your child should never be, but don't go there yourself either. Bloody hell!

Sally872 · 03/08/2020 15:53

Yanbu by not allowing sleepovers, in fact in my opinion you should be going further.

I wouldn't go back to their house, or allow dc to go and would encourage dh not to go to the house either.

I would only have a relationship with them at my house or out and about. The dog bit you, they should be grateful you didn't want it put down and accept any way you want the relationship to work.

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