Violent dog and 9mo DS

[cuddlypenguins]

So just before i found out i was pregnant with now 9mo DS, we were visiting DPs DF and DSM for an evening. Towards the end of the evening, their dog bit my face through to the bone, leading to stitches and black eyes for a while.
Fast forward to now and DP has understandably told his DF and DSM that they cannot have DS overnight as they still have the dog.
Dog has tried to bite DP in the past, but he brushed it off as want more than a nick, hes an animal lover and there wasnt a child involved.
His DSM has been like a second mum to him, has been in his life since he was a child and treated him as her own. However she was never able to have children of her own and treats the dog like her baby.
His DF, hates animals, so the dog probably hasn't had the best life with him and that could be the cause for the aggression, but its not worth putting our DS at risk.
DP had the conversation with his DF as lockdown is easing and they started asking for overnight visits. So DP told his DF they can't have DS overnight as its too dangerous. The conversation was civil and he said he understood and it was for the best.
Once his DF told his DSM though, it has turned into an argument where we have been called ungrateful etc after everything they've done for us, and do we really think they'd be stupid enough to put DS at risk?
Problem is on more than one occasion now when we have visited them on the understanding the dog is kept well away from DS, they have let the dog out around him as if it is no big deal, so we worry they can't be trusted to keep the dog away if we are not there.
Its escalated now to them having been almost totally NC since, with DPs DF talking to him briefly but seemingly trying to play both sides for an easy life.
This means for the time being by their choice they aren't seeing DS, which is making us angry as it feels as if they are putting their violent dog before their DGC.
We want to resolve this without causing more of an argument but dont know how.
AWBU to stand our ground and say absolutely not?

Wouldn't let them have DC over at all. Completely mad. Poor dog having such shitty owners.

DPS mother was like this. Prioritised dog over any relationship with her GC, visits, celebrations anything, not because it was aggressive but car sick! It had no experience around children and so I didn't trust it and she'd never put it in another room when we visited. It was totally babied and ran the roost which isn't a good way to make a dog tolerant of children! I fantasised about writing a six figure contract for them based on. 'if your dog bites my dc', just to test whether they seriously believed there was no risk to their gc.

I am surprised you weren't questioned at hospital (assuming you sought medical attention) as to how you sustained your injuries.

We have a similar problem with my mother in laws dog. It bit my DH badly on the arm, it took 5 months to heal properly and has left a scar. But apparently it's ok because the dog has always loved her DGC and wouldn't hurt them....! Yeh right over my dead body. Not a chance in hell. Seeing what it did to DH's arm was enough. We have not given her sole charge of the DC since. My babies lives could be ripped from me in seconds.

@PregnantAndTiredMum because the dog was 12 years old and the rescues advised they would PTS as they had younger dogs looking for homes. She decided to do it while she could comfort him rather than leave him with strangers to do it.

@raspberryk

I would have insisted the dog be put down when it bit your face. I would also never go there again with the dog still present especially not with your child, never mind overnights. You aren't overreacting but there is some serious underreacting going on. I am an animal lover and lifelong dog owner btw.

Don't be ridiculous. The dog shouldn't be put down for an isolated incident. You wouldn't put a human down for biting someone... Dogs can react aggressively for so many different reasons, it could have been in pain, unwell, feeling threatened... you just don't know. It's the owners job to figure out the trigger and take steps to ensure it never happens again. I don't understand why people's first reaction is always to pts. It's nuts. As for letting your child stay overnight, absolutely not. Stand you ground.

@cuddlypenguins

I've always been quite confident around dogs and they've never bothered me so the dog was lying on the sofa and I was sitting on the floor next to him and went to give him a cuddle which was, unfortunately, at face level

@cuddlypenguins

I am sorry to say it but you caused the dog to react aggressively.
I am relieved the dog was not PTS due to this as that would have been deeply unfair. I know I'll get stick for saying this but I do not care as someone has to stand up for the animal.

I know you didn't meant to provoke the dog but you have to see it from the dog's perspective. It was in its own territory, a strangers tried to cuddle it, and it probably felt very threatened. I would never ever try and cuddle any dog other than my own. That being said, you should have been warned that the dog was reactive by it's owners so they also share some responsibility in this imo.

That being said, I still would not allow my child to stay over in a house with a reactive dog unless they could absolutely guarantee that the dog would have no contact. Reactive dogs do not belong around children full stop.

There is no way my child would be going there, supervised or not!

I have two working cocker spaniels who are very loving and friendly. But they are not used to small children or babies and they become stressed around them. This makes them unpredictable and liable to snap. They have never ever done an attack like happened to you op. I cannot believe they even kept the dog after that, it is very dangerous and that attack would likely have killed a small child. What on earth is wrong with your dh's step mother. What an awful person to put the whole family in this position.

You are completely in the right. TBH I wouldnt want her to see my child after her complete lack of concern for your welfare and her sense of entitlement with regard to your child. Just awful.

Why was the dog not reported after biting you? Was it not suggested by the hospital OP?

oh my word. The dog bit you that severely, the first time you ever went round there? I personally would never have steppped foot in that house again with the dog present.

A dog who has behaved so aggressively should unfortunately be put down. Tragic, but necessary. I cannot believe the GPs attitude to this.

Stand your ground. Better safe than very very sorry.

@MissConductUS

What is it with grandparents in the UK wanting to take infant GC for the day or overnight? It's just not done in the US, so a complete surprise to me and it comes up on MN regularly. Do they take the kid around town, showing the baby off like a football trophy?

My mother took mine, I took my GC's. This is a small island, it's common for families in different households to be close enough for frequent contact between generations, and babies to be very familiar with their aunts uncles grandparents. Also on this island its normal for parents to have a social or work life outside the home and require trusted childcare,. A fit loving capable trusted grandparent is ideal. A joy for all parties.

 Sorry to hear American  grandparents  can't do that;  what a lot   they miss. 

Social trophy parades must be another misfortune peculiar to America.

@2bazookas as a person born and raised 'on this island', I also find some grandparents' obsessions on having infant grandchildren overnight, or without their parents, to be profoundly odd.

I really don't think that's what everybody does here, and was taken aback when my own tiny baby's grandmothers both put a lot of pressure on me to leave her with them when she was very new and exclusively breastfed. I'm all for sharing the joy and I do everything I can to facilitate those relationships, but I will not allow myself to be forced out.

@2bazookas...No it's just off even my nan and mom thinkso. They contribute to your society's entitlement to expect grandparents to provide free childcare for parents so they do what they want. Many of their friends are sick to death of having to bail out their children with childcare because they didn't wait until they could afford to have children.