Violent dog and 9mo DS

[cuddlypenguins]

So just before i found out i was pregnant with now 9mo DS, we were visiting DPs DF and DSM for an evening. Towards the end of the evening, their dog bit my face through to the bone, leading to stitches and black eyes for a while.
Fast forward to now and DP has understandably told his DF and DSM that they cannot have DS overnight as they still have the dog.
Dog has tried to bite DP in the past, but he brushed it off as want more than a nick, hes an animal lover and there wasnt a child involved.
His DSM has been like a second mum to him, has been in his life since he was a child and treated him as her own. However she was never able to have children of her own and treats the dog like her baby.
His DF, hates animals, so the dog probably hasn't had the best life with him and that could be the cause for the aggression, but its not worth putting our DS at risk.
DP had the conversation with his DF as lockdown is easing and they started asking for overnight visits. So DP told his DF they can't have DS overnight as its too dangerous. The conversation was civil and he said he understood and it was for the best.
Once his DF told his DSM though, it has turned into an argument where we have been called ungrateful etc after everything they've done for us, and do we really think they'd be stupid enough to put DS at risk?
Problem is on more than one occasion now when we have visited them on the understanding the dog is kept well away from DS, they have let the dog out around him as if it is no big deal, so we worry they can't be trusted to keep the dog away if we are not there.
Its escalated now to them having been almost totally NC since, with DPs DF talking to him briefly but seemingly trying to play both sides for an easy life.
This means for the time being by their choice they aren't seeing DS, which is making us angry as it feels as if they are putting their violent dog before their DGC.
We want to resolve this without causing more of an argument but dont know how.
AWBU to stand our ground and say absolutely not?

I love dogs and can find MN a bit hysterical on the topic but in this case YANBU times about a million. You could have lost an eye. You are doing completely the right thing, your child could get maimed for life or worse.

I wouldn't back down.

They obviously feel like you think they wouldn't look after your DS properly, but that's not the point at all. It doesn't matter how closely he's watched, if the dog decides to go for him, he wouldn't stand a chance.

If they don't understand that then I'd have no problem limiting contact or going no contact. His safety must come first with no compromise. If something happened you'd never forgive yourself.

Not sure why so many posters are questioning the want for an overnight, why wouldn't grandparents want their grand children overnight? Some of my best memories are sleep overs with my gran, she always had the best bed time stories, I went to hers one night a week after the age of 4 months! and kept it going until I was 17. Some parents might take a note that theirs isn't the only valuable relationship to their children.

As for the dog, no way would I allow my child over a house with a dangerous dog, tbh I am over cautious and wouldn't let mine over any house with a dog overnight, regardless of temperament (my mum has two very soppy dogs but they both went to the kennels or their 'grand pet parents' for the nights my baby went to her)

Disfordarkchocolate I find this weird too. I love seeing DGS but it makes no odds to me whether his parents are there or not and I have no particular desire to have him overnight unless they need us to. I genuinely don't get this 'having baby to ourselves' thing

Absolutely not.

I am a total dog lover, but an unprovoked facial bite of such severity that it needs stitches is a huge deal. I'd have wanted the dog euthanised after that, I'm afraid and wouldn't hesitate to have done that had any of mine injured someone that badly.

I feel sorry for the dog, too, in the light of what you say about your DF, OP. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have animals and he might be one of them. Who knows what trauma the dog might have suffered.

They are being totally irresponsible. YANBU, and I wouldn't go and visit someone with a dog like that, even without a baby.

Neither me nor my child would ever be in that house with that dog again. YANBU in any way.

Fuck me. I love dogs. Over my dead body would I be putting my baby in this situation.

YANBU with massive bells on.

Try not to doubt yourself. You are doing absolutely the right thing. As things stand this is absolutely their loss.

Oh Christ no chance. No fucking way. You’ve done the right thing don’t feel guilty about it. They are the ones that need to apologise.

I think the dog proved to be dangerous when he bit you. It’s when they should get rid of him.
I’m surprised you are still visiting them yourself.

What the Grandparents are trying to do by reducing contact, not seeing baby etc, is to guilt and bully you into doing what they want. They are forgetting that you and DP are grownups, and they hope to manipulate you with their emotional blackmail.
Don't be bullied @cuddlypenguins!

I would bet my last pound that if you ever left baby alone with DSM she would put the dog and the baby together just so that she could "prove" that her dog is friendly really.

Stick to your guns and don't allow them to have baby overnight.

I love dogs, but wouldn’t go near one that had bitten so badly. I certainly wouldn’t allow my child in the same house as the dog, even with supervision.

they’re choosing their aggressive dog over your child. That’s their foolish choice to make, but don’t for one minute let them make you feel bad about protecting your child.

I completely agree with you. There is no way on earth, I'd let a baby around that dog.

My in-laws have a little terrier and he's bitten all of us over the course of 4years (nips only). We have clear rules that the dog is not allowed in the same room when we're there and they accept that (begrudgingly).

There was a case went to trial recently where the dog and boy were left alone in a caravan at night. Dog killed child. Imagine dog was destroyed. Parent & dog owner were held legally responsible.
I'd be willing to bet that both those people wish they could have their time again to make different choices.

YANBU. I own dogs and have a child a similar age. My dogs are loved and a part of the family but if they were dangerous they would be PTS or re-homed with someone better suited. Her love for the dog is clearly clouding her judgement and it doesn’t matter even if they keep the dog away from your son, even it being in the house could potentially be a risk. Doesn’t make you ungrateful it makes them naive to think their dog wouldn’t hurt your baby just because it’s a baby.

Obviously YANBU. Out of interest have they ever actually trained this dog?

I can understand them not wanting to put their dog to sleep. I would PTS (I think - but hope never to have to find out) - but if they're choosing not to, the only alternative is that you very strictly control your dog's opportunities to attack people - redouble garden fencing, operate an "airlock" system in a porch so that there is ALWAYS a closed door between dog and doorstep visitors like the postie, and go to visit people in their houses instead of having visitors unless you can 100% guarantee your dog is shut away (again, airlock always1+ doors shut) from them.

Even with people who took it very seriously indeed I don't think a child should stay overnight in a house with a dog like that. It's just not worth it.

And I say that as somebody who prefers dogs to children

I am very sorry for you but I can't see that there is any other side to this argument and any possible resolution other than that they only see the baby if they come to yours without the dog. Anything else is basically criminal. You know the dog could kill your baby, they know the dog could kill your baby. No further discussion.

Thanks everyone. Really the point of asking was since my DP is losing sleep over it and its turning into an argument we wanted to make sure we weren't being OTT ( although were already pretty sure we weren't in the wrong) before we dig our heels in and risk damaging relationships, but our DS comes first now and always no matter what.

You are absolutely doing the right thing here.

I say this as a complete dog obsessed loon, that dog should absolutely have been put down and I wouldn’t even be in the same house as it again, let alone with my baby.

It's definitely not you who risk damaging relationships. It's them and their weird control move.

Try to remain calm. Come up with a stock phrase and keep repeating it. Don't engage in discussion. (JADE = never justify argue defend explain). These are your boundaries. IF they want contact they need to adapt.

Im expecting my first child in October and a few months ago my parents dog had a totally unexpected outburst towards another dog after never displaying any violence or agression ever! (Minimal damage done luckily). In contrast, my parents have said if theres any further agression towards another dog, nevermind towards a human, then they wont hesistate to have her put down in order to keep my child safe when she is in their company. Their priorities are all wrong.

I don’t really understand your post tbh.

So what you’re saying is- you’d allow your child there with them but just not if it’s overnight?

I wouldn’t be leaving a child there at all.

Also- your facial bite, why didn’t the dog get PTS?

@jellybeansincognito we've only allowed him there if we are there with him to make sure the dog is kept away. Never unsupervised. It just seems to be overnight visits that are causing the argument