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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my son should take ALL his suff?

156 replies

toconclude · 03/08/2020 13:27

DS(31) at last in position to buy his own house - been renting nearly 10 years. Aibu to ask him to collect all the remaining books/other bits and bobs amounting to a half dozen large storage boxes which currently occupy his old room and some other corners of the house since he moved out to live a considerable way away? He is reluctant as his DP has stuff too and he's right that technically we have space. Honestly, I would like to clear it. But us getting rid of it altogether obviously a nono without his agreement and it has sentimental value to him.

OP posts:
goose1964 · 03/08/2020 17:27

My son moved out years ago, since then he's got married and had 2 children but still hasn't sorted out the stuff he left behind.I'd be happy to chuck it out but DH refuses to do so.

ticktackted · 03/08/2020 17:34

Moved all my stuff out of my parents house when I first lived alone, at 21. I didn't have loads of space but it taught me to only keep things that are useful or important to me! Anything I had left there would have been kept for no real reason.

steppemum · 03/08/2020 17:39

I think once your kids have bought a house, it is not unreasonable to ask them to sort and store their own stuff.

Obvioulsy if you have space in an attic etc and it doesn't bother you, fair enough, but I would not have it in a bedroom or standing round in corners!

If he doesn;t have it at his house, does he ever really need it?
Surely stuff unused for that long is non essential and time to gte rid.
If it is sentimental stuff, then he needs to cull it down to an amount that he can store and keep himself.

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/08/2020 17:45

@Longtalljosie

Please give him time for him and his DP to get their house sorted first. My PILs elected to dump boxes and boxes of shit in our house both times we were clearing to make room for both new babies. It was awful. Just as I thought DD1’s new room was finally ready to be decorated so she could move out of the nursery in good time before DD2 arrived, I’d get home from work to another eight boxes of university notes with no room in the loft. It was so unnecessary and made our life change all about them. Don’t do that.
Lol the irony!!

Why hadn't you sorted it before then?! Nobody's fault but your own!!

Mintjulia · 03/08/2020 17:46

Pack it into boxes. Tell him to come and collect it. Every time you see him, hand him another box. Don’t stop. Or....

My mum finally told my brother she had found a buyer for his X-trainer and they were collecting at the weekend. I’ve never seen dB move so fast Grin

OllysArmy · 03/08/2020 17:52

I’m glad none of you were my DP, whilst I cleared out my room when I left home to my own purchased house I didn’t take the stuff in the loft or the shed.
When I moved to our forever home, a few years later we boarded out the loft and started to move over our belongings from DP and PIL. Although MIL still finds random crap that she decides belongs to DH and brings it to us at random times. She also decides other pieces of random crap that she gave us or maybe the D.C. on a visit is actually hers and she wants it back. This leads to a mad panic to try to locate said item or to DH having to explain that we have no idea where it is.
I know that both my DB and DH’s sister both have loads left at their respective parents. They both have 3 young D.C. and loft conversions so lack storage space.

unlikelytobe · 03/08/2020 18:07

We all have too much stuff and it accumulates if you let it. You do seem to be colluding with his failure to deal with this. He knows you 'technically' have the space so will leave it there but it's his stuff and he's old enough to store it himself or have a clear out.

Think about what you could use that room for if all his clobber wasn't in there - office, snug, craft room, walk in wardrobe, lodger, sex dungeon...?

Mistymonday · 03/08/2020 18:07

When my dp bought his first house, his parents drove over with all his childhood stuff in the car and gave it to him. Quite right too!

BitOfFun · 03/08/2020 18:25

The concept of 'sentimental value' doesn't really work if the items have lain in a sealed box at a separate address for ten years!

I'd take it all to the tip if he doesn't pick it up in a timely fashion.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/08/2020 18:40

@Longtalljosie

8 boxes of uni notes should have gone straight in the recycling. Your partner should have done this, not left it to his parents. I can bet you any money that they pre warned him (which he would have failed to mention to you..) that if he didnt come and clear it they would turn up with it, and good for them to sticking to their word.

Runnerduck34 · 03/08/2020 19:29

He should come and sort it out, chuck out, sell , give to charity what he doesn't want and take the rest to his new house with him . If you have room and are feeling charitable you could offer to put a couple of boxes in the loft for him ( does he have a loft??, i might be more charitable if he was moving into a small flat ) but storing 8 boxes is a bit much.

anon5000 · 03/08/2020 21:39

Why would you tip your own sons possessions? He wasn't the bloody lodger and he is still part of your family. You don't have to stop being nice and helping your children out when they move out.

Pizzapromotion · 03/08/2020 21:42

You're not wrong but I'm 50, left home at 22 and my parents still have a lot of my stuff. My dad threatened to dump my vast cuddly toy collection if I didn't take it last time I was there. I'm not sure if he has.....

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2020 21:46

No, no warning. Suddenly mentioned just as the decorating for the baby’s room was about to happen. We said we’d come to theirs for the weekend and take it all away at their convenience, please not to dump it at ours as we needed to book the decorator. Following week, eight boxes DH had no idea they had, all stacked up with no notice (they have a key). Next fortnight spent sorting. Called and said we’d had to put the decorator off as they’d filled the room we’d just cleared. Just “mmm” from them and next week, several more of them. Some if it BIL’s. Barely got the room ready in time for the baby. They have a very big house with a loft still stuffed with papers.

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2020 21:48

“Your partner should have done this, not left it to his parents. I can bet you any money that they pre warned him (which he would have failed to mention to you..) that if he didnt come and clear it they would turn up with it, and good for them to sticking to their word.“

I love how you’ve got a narrative where they warned him several times first!

anon5000 · 03/08/2020 21:49

@Pizzapromotion

You're not wrong but I'm 50, left home at 22 and my parents still have a lot of my stuff. My dad threatened to dump my vast cuddly toy collection if I didn't take it last time I was there. I'm not sure if he has.....
When I had to recently clear my mums house, they was quite a lot of stuff in her loft that had belonged to all of us. She would never have dreamed of taking it to the tip.
Giraffey1 · 03/08/2020 21:51

Nope. He clears his stuff and disposed of it however he wants. The alternative is that you will dispose of it for him! He is 31 not a child.

Lurchermom · 03/08/2020 21:53

I'm 30, married and have owned my own house (with DH) for 7years and I still get reminded every time I'm home of the few remaining boxes in the garage. Some day I might pick them up...

anon5000 · 03/08/2020 21:57

I'm amazed that so many want every trace of their children gone when they leave home, like they never lived there. I find that quite sad.

HeronLanyon · 03/08/2020 21:57

anon5000 fully agree. Just cleared my mums house and there was all sorts of deep family history stuff including things belonging to all siblings. Not in her way - some had been dealt with before. I am astounded at the way this thread has gone ! Obvs not cluttering up a living space etc that not right at all but just dumping it on him or chucking it I can’t get my head around. Neither as an adult daughter nor as a mother of adult children.

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2020 22:00

I’ll bow out of this thread now as it’s one of those situations where you forget how when you have a manipulative family dynamic where all sorts of tricks are pulled, that people who haven’t can ascribe all sorts of motives to you.

FinallyHere · 03/08/2020 22:01

Last time I moved house, having lived there nearly ten years, I found several boxes in the loft which had not been opened since moving in. Having not missed them in ten years, I knew that if I opened them, I would find treasures that I would want to keep.

I threw out the boxes unopened. 😁

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2020 22:01

heronlanyon look at it another way - when time comes to downsize for ageing parents do most children sprint back to help sort through everything? They do not. Parents don’t want all sign of their children gone, they want a sparkling clean usable house and the children themselves to visit regularly, Or invite around.

HeronLanyon · 03/08/2020 22:06

Fully agree with that timeis but A lot of posts did read so as if ‘that’s that’ ! No understanding that he doesn’t have room no time to deal with things etc. I know if I’d had a few boxes of my stuff dumped on me at 31 I would have thrown out stuff I am really happy I now have as childhood memory and/ or I was happy to see and chuck after my mum died.
Families, eh?

2020nymph · 03/08/2020 22:08

A few days after we bought our first house we came home to find a packet of fizzy fish sweets on the kitchen counter. My first thought was my dads been here, open the garage door and it was filled with boxes! I had moved from uni to rental to our house. My parents had packed up my room and spent the day shuttle running the boxes, a 2.5 hour round trip.

Unfortunately, we have found that their lofts are rammed so my sister and I help them clear out a few boxes every time we visit.

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