To think my son should take ALL his suff?

[toconclude]

DS(31) at last in position to buy his own house - been renting nearly 10 years. Aibu to ask him to collect all the remaining books/other bits and bobs amounting to a half dozen large storage boxes which currently occupy his old room and some other corners of the house since he moved out to live a considerable way away? He is reluctant as his DP has stuff too and he's right that technically we have space. Honestly, I would like to clear it. But us getting rid of it altogether obviously a nono without his agreement and it has sentimental value to him.

[Coughsyrupsucks]

Wow you’re lovely. The day I moved out my Mum told me to take it with me or it went to the tip. She was not kidding! It’s been 10 years, I doubt he’s missed any of it that much, he needs to come get it.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

I'm amazed you're all so cavalier with your children's stuff - I wonder if they'll be the same with your stuff when they have to sell your house so you can go into a nursing home? Meanwhile OP is, as she explained, sat in possession of 3 generations of crap!

He's 31 and has no say on how you use your home, OP. He collects it in your timeframe or it goes in the bin!

Why do so many people think someone elses spare room is theirs to clutter?

[lalaloopyhead]

I don't think that there is anything of consequence of mine left at my parents. My sister is 50 this year (and moved out probably going on 30 years ago) and there is still stuff belonging to her in her old bedroom!!!

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to ask him to come and sort through it and find somewhere else to store it. If it is not valuable enough to him to find space in his own house surely it can be chucked.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

@Longtalljosie

Please give him time for him and his DP to get their house sorted first. My PILs elected to dump boxes and boxes of shit in our house both times we were clearing to make room for both new babies. It was awful. Just as I thought DD1’s new room was finally ready to be decorated so she could move out of the nursery in good time before DD2 arrived, I’d get home from work to another eight boxes of university notes with no room in the loft. It was so unnecessary and made our life change all about them. Don’t do that.

if it was your old university notes why had you still got them?

[HollowTalk]

@Longtalljosie

Please give him time for him and his DP to get their house sorted first. My PILs elected to dump boxes and boxes of shit in our house both times we were clearing to make room for both new babies. It was awful. Just as I thought DD1’s new room was finally ready to be decorated so she could move out of the nursery in good time before DD2 arrived, I’d get home from work to another eight boxes of university notes with no room in the loft. It was so unnecessary and made our life change all about them. Don’t do that.

So you're annoyed that they didn't want your boxes of shit?

[notalwaysalondoner]

Yes - he’s a grown up, he has his own place, now is the time for it to go. It’s different if someone is renting and moving about every year or so, or has no room in a rental room in shared accommodation, but certainly by the time someone buys their own place they should look after their own stuff. For context, I’m 30 and have nothing left at my parents’ house. I was lucky that my first job paid for a removal van so I just took everything with me there aged 23, but I’m amazed how a lot of my friends have a roomful of stuff at their parents as well as a house worth of their own stuff. They can’t possibly need it all.

[Sally872]

If you have more space i would allow him to keep a few boxes at home. The truly sentimental stuff. But you aren't storing everything indefinitely it has to be sorted and most of it going.

[66redballons]

Next time you visit him, put all his stuff in your car and give it to him.

[Longtalljosie]

Ha! Maybe you had to be there.

[Longtalljosie]

DH had owned his own home for 15 years. The only time they discovered boxes of stuff for us to sort was immediately before the births of both children when they knew we were trying to make the house nice. As I say - perhaps you needed to be there

[lanbro]

I moved out 16 yrs ago, and my dsis too, I'm pretty sure there is still stuff of ours at my mums! Luckily they have a huge loft but dm would never just get rid of things without checking with us!

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

Some of these responses are really harsh! I'm amazed you're all so cavalier with your children's stuff - I wonder if they'll be the same with your stuff when they have to sell your house so you can go into a nursing home?

Every time we've moved - we had a clear out and regularly as the kids grow. Our parents have done big clear outs usually after sorting their own parents stuff and realising it's an emotional horrible time consuming job made worse with more pile of stuff there are.

I'd give them time to settle then a date - it's often easier to let things go with time so after 10 years should be possible.

It is odd area though. DH was a student for many years - when he got his own rented flat he sorted his stuff and took everything he needed and binned the rest- FIL got very upset about it asking why he needed everything and he went very quiet when DH pointed out he was actually moving out.

[RedToothBrush]

Its his property and he is using your space as his storage unit.

I would say he either needs to shift it or you will need to dispose of it or start billing him for his storage solution and its his choice which.

If its sentimental then he needs to get his act together rather than taking the piss and effectively got you emotional hostage because you feel you can't chuck his sentimental stuff.

If its THAT important he'd come and pick it up. The fact he hasn't means its not that important.

In fact, I would tell him that you've chucked it (but don't) then when he kicks off, tell him he needs to shift it by x date if its really that important. He might just accept it.

[79andnotout]

I am the DP of someone like your son, OP. He has loads of crap at both of his parents house (he's 35). I refuse to let it come into our house as he's already filled all the storage space in this house with crap. It needs to be binned! I blame his dad though, as he's exactly the same.

[Pinkbunny2811]

My parents drop me round a few bits every time they come round and I pick up some stuff. I moved out into my own home a year ago but also have had a lot of work to do on the house. I think most of it is here now but it is mostly stuff my mum has been keeping even though I've told her to chuck it! We also don't have enough shelves yet for all my books.

I would be pretty devo if my parents just got rid my stuff though. I think once he's settled then tell him to arrange a day to come get it all.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

YANBU!

Make him get rid of it.

When my DB got married he left a load of stuff in his old bedroom because he wanted to keep it but his wife didn't want it cluttering up their house. Itmeant that my parents could never have any of the grandchildren to stay overnight (tiny 2-bed terraced house). After they'd both died and the house was sold, he dumped the lot! It had been cluttering their home up for over 15 years. He'd never even bothered to look through it to see if anything could be got rid of.

I know you technically have the space, but it isn't your responsibility. Tell him to take it then he will think about whether he really needs/wants it or not.

[Thelittleweasel]

@toconclude

"You want to rent his room?"

[HeronLanyon]

If you have room and he doesn’t why wouldn’t you let it lie ? As long as it’s not rubbish but is properly sentimental stuff. Why make him throw it away or dump it on him ?

[Kaiserin]

Your son should rent a small self-store unit near his new house, and move most of his stuff there, to sort and dispose of at his own leisure.

However, if your house is big, it could make sense for him to have a few items left at your house (e.g. small suitcase with "sleepover" essentials), for when he comes and visit?

[FinallyHere]

But us getting rid of it altogether obviously a nono without his agreement and it has sentimental value to him.

So long as he knows this, he has no incentive to clear it out. Stuff always accumulates to fill the space available.

I'm afraid that the experience of clearing my mother's house less than a year ago has hardened my attitude on not allowing my own clutter to accumulate in my own house, never mind anyone else's stuff.

[mylittlesandwich]

Make sure you keep anything that has sentimental value to you. My DH had boxes dropped off here when we bought which was great. They got rid of everything though, report cards, pictures he'd drawn for them as a child. He was pretty upset by it.

[opinionatedfreak]

My parents made us sort through our stuff in their house when we got our on properties.

My father died recently and we are having to clear the house (mum died a decade ago). The fact that the loft was almost empty and there was only a little bit of childhood memorabilia left (the stuff that my Mum had obviously valued) has made it so much easier than tackling our grandparents house which was rammed to the gunnels.

As an adult child I don’t think it is fair to say “I want that but only if you will store it”. I also really valued the fact that our childhood bedrooms got redecorated & refurnished in keeping with our life stages.

It is tragic when you see obvious estate sale houses with bedrooms stuck in a 1980s teen time warp.

[HowayPet]

Give him a deadline to collect by or it’s going in the bin. 10 years storage is plenty long enough. Sentimental or not!

When each of ours moved out, we gave them until we knew it was a permanent move and asked them to clear their stuff. Ds 3 is moving out in the next couple of months and we’ll do the same make sure it works out/ he’s settled before clearing his room.

It’s been made clear that once they leave they will always be welcome back if needed ie have nowhere to live, but the room is no longer theirs once they stop paying keep and paying bills at their own property.