To think my son should take ALL his suff?

[toconclude]

DS(31) at last in position to buy his own house - been renting nearly 10 years. Aibu to ask him to collect all the remaining books/other bits and bobs amounting to a half dozen large storage boxes which currently occupy his old room and some other corners of the house since he moved out to live a considerable way away? He is reluctant as his DP has stuff too and he's right that technically we have space. Honestly, I would like to clear it. But us getting rid of it altogether obviously a nono without his agreement and it has sentimental value to him.

[toconclude]

@anon5000

Why would you tip your own sons possessions? He wasn't the bloody lodger and he is still part of your family. You don't have to stop being nice and helping your children out when they move out.

At no point did I say I wanted to in fact quite the opposite, so not sure where the hostile attitude is coming from?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I don't think I cleared all mine until I was in my 40s. I moved out at 20. It's partly sentimental - feeling that in some way the home I grew up in is still in some sense my home. So get him to take it if you are no longer happy to have it, but realise there are emotional overtones - he may feel he is being ejected from your life as well as his stuff. Please don't take the hard line being advocated by some posters.

[canigooutyet]

What is the point in all this stuff boxed up for decades forgotten about and only opened up when the parents have died?

Why should the parents be responsible for stuff they don't want? If something happened to the house it would be them doing all the insurance stuff, not the actual owners.

Stuff stored for decades in the loft space, who is left to move it all if any works need doing there?

If it's that sentimental or treasured to you why leave it with someone else? Surely these are the things that you want to personally protect?

Are parents expected to never move because of all this stuff they don't want? All because you don't have the space for your stuff.

Why should they pay for things like skips to move your crap, haven't they cleaned up after your arses for long enough?

Surely the mature, responsible thing would be to ask parents about keeping some stuff there, and making your own arrangements to move it from A to B without assuming someone else will do this.

It's not about getting rid of all traces of ever having children. It's about finally reclaiming a large proportion of your home back from your kids. When you think, from the day they move in to the day they move out, their crap is everywhere.

Even though mine have been and taken a lot, I still open a cupboard or something and find a cup that they claimed. The chip in something, a dent, a stain that won't go. The towel from the hair dye disaster that is still in use. Sometimes walking past a random thing I burst out laughing at a memory from long ago. To get this from their crap, I'd have to go through it all.

[onlinelinda]

He needs to collect it. I can think of 2 separate instances where, when stuff was finally collected, it was thrown away by the owner. They don't want it; they want you to enable them to delay the decision.

[Goingdownto]

Things don't tend to have sentimental value until you are further away from them in time - there are things I've kept that wouldn't have interested me in my 20s. And vice versa I suppose

[NeverForgetYourDreams]

I left home at 19 into rented and my parents put all my stuff on the drive and said whatever I didn't take would go to the tip! It made me collect it all :-)

[2020nymph]

A few days after we bought our first house we came home to find a packet of fizzy fish sweets on the kitchen counter. My first thought was my dads been here, open the garage door and it was filled with boxes! I had moved from uni to rental to our house. My parents had packed up my room and spent the day shuttle running the boxes, a 2.5 hour round trip.

Unfortunately, we have found that their lofts are rammed so my sister and I help them clear out a few boxes every time we visit.

[HeronLanyon]

Fully agree with that timeis but A lot of posts did read so as if ‘that’s that’ ! No understanding that he doesn’t have room no time to deal with things etc. I know if I’d had a few boxes of my stuff dumped on me at 31 I would have thrown out stuff I am really happy I now have as childhood memory and/ or I was happy to see and chuck after my mum died.
Families, eh?

[timeisnotaline]

heronlanyon look at it another way - when time comes to downsize for ageing parents do most children sprint back to help sort through everything? They do not. Parents don’t want all sign of their children gone, they want a sparkling clean usable house and the children themselves to visit regularly, Or invite around.

[FinallyHere]

Last time I moved house, having lived there nearly ten years, I found several boxes in the loft which had not been opened since moving in. Having not missed them in ten years, I knew that if I opened them, I would find treasures that I would want to keep.

I threw out the boxes unopened. 😁

[Longtalljosie]

I’ll bow out of this thread now as it’s one of those situations where you forget how when you have a manipulative family dynamic where all sorts of tricks are pulled, that people who haven’t can ascribe all sorts of motives to you.

[HeronLanyon]

anon5000 fully agree. Just cleared my mums house and there was all sorts of deep family history stuff including things belonging to all siblings. Not in her way - some had been dealt with before. I am astounded at the way this thread has gone ! Obvs not cluttering up a living space etc that not right at all but just dumping it on him or chucking it I can’t get my head around. Neither as an adult daughter nor as a mother of adult children.

[anon5000]

I'm amazed that so many want every trace of their children gone when they leave home, like they never lived there. I find that quite sad.

[Lurchermom]

I'm 30, married and have owned my own house (with DH) for 7years and I still get reminded every time I'm home of the few remaining boxes in the garage. Some day I might pick them up...

[Giraffey1]

Nope. He clears his stuff and disposed of it however he wants. The alternative is that you will dispose of it for him! He is 31 not a child.

[anon5000]

@Pizzapromotion

You're not wrong but I'm 50, left home at 22 and my parents still have a lot of my stuff. My dad threatened to dump my vast cuddly toy collection if I didn't take it last time I was there. I'm not sure if he has.....

When I had to recently clear my mums house, they was quite a lot of stuff in her loft that had belonged to all of us. She would never have dreamed of taking it to the tip.

[Longtalljosie]

“Your partner should have done this, not left it to his parents. I can bet you any money that they pre warned him (which he would have failed to mention to you..) that if he didnt come and clear it they would turn up with it, and good for them to sticking to their word.“

I love how you’ve got a narrative where they warned him several times first!

[Longtalljosie]

No, no warning. Suddenly mentioned just as the decorating for the baby’s room was about to happen. We said we’d come to theirs for the weekend and take it all away at their convenience, please not to dump it at ours as we needed to book the decorator. Following week, eight boxes DH had no idea they had, all stacked up with no notice (they have a key). Next fortnight spent sorting. Called and said we’d had to put the decorator off as they’d filled the room we’d just cleared. Just “mmm” from them and next week, several more of them. Some if it BIL’s. Barely got the room ready in time for the baby. They have a very big house with a loft still stuffed with papers.

[Pizzapromotion]

You're not wrong but I'm 50, left home at 22 and my parents still have a lot of my stuff. My dad threatened to dump my vast cuddly toy collection if I didn't take it last time I was there. I'm not sure if he has.....

[anon5000]

Why would you tip your own sons possessions? He wasn't the bloody lodger and he is still part of your family. You don't have to stop being nice and helping your children out when they move out.

[Runnerduck34]

He should come and sort it out, chuck out, sell , give to charity what he doesn't want and take the rest to his new house with him . If you have room and are feeling charitable you could offer to put a couple of boxes in the loft for him ( does he have a loft??, i might be more charitable if he was moving into a small flat ) but storing 8 boxes is a bit much.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

@Longtalljosie

8 boxes of uni notes should have gone straight in the recycling. Your partner should have done this, not left it to his parents. I can bet you any money that they pre warned him (which he would have failed to mention to you..) that if he didnt come and clear it they would turn up with it, and good for them to sticking to their word.

[BitOfFun]

The concept of 'sentimental value' doesn't really work if the items have lain in a sealed box at a separate address for ten years!

I'd take it all to the tip if he doesn't pick it up in a timely fashion.

[Mistymonday]

When my dp bought his first house, his parents drove over with all his childhood stuff in the car and gave it to him. Quite right too!

[unlikelytobe]

We all have too much stuff and it accumulates if you let it. You do seem to be colluding with his failure to deal with this. He knows you 'technically' have the space so will leave it there but it's his stuff and he's old enough to store it himself or have a clear out.

Think about what you could use that room for if all his clobber wasn't in there - office, snug, craft room, walk in wardrobe, lodger, sex dungeon...?