To think my son should take ALL his suff?

[toconclude]

DS(31) at last in position to buy his own house - been renting nearly 10 years. Aibu to ask him to collect all the remaining books/other bits and bobs amounting to a half dozen large storage boxes which currently occupy his old room and some other corners of the house since he moved out to live a considerable way away? He is reluctant as his DP has stuff too and he's right that technically we have space. Honestly, I would like to clear it. But us getting rid of it altogether obviously a nono without his agreement and it has sentimental value to him.

[Polnm]

When we moved in to our house the same rooms that our children have just vacated were full of the stuff from their children the youngest of whom was in their 30s. It didn’t present the house in z good light

[Ginkypig]

Once you leave home properly into rented or buying (I obviously don't mean uni or even houseshares before you settle somewhere that's yours) you have left home so you have to deal with your possessions.

It is unfair to leave piles of stuff or boxes in another property just because you don't know what to do with it even if that property was once your home or is your parents home.

I would give a date that is about a month after moving in so they can't say they haven't had a chance to unpack or settle in with the disclaimer that if it's not picked up by that date you will be getting rid of it. And I would get rid!

[Goingdownto]

A lot of the time parents had bigger homes than the small flats their dc are moving into.

[Ginkypig]

@timeisnotaline

When I moved out (to a rental), on every visit home for a while mum would great me with a box or bag of stuff she had found that belonged with me- childhood dolls, that kind of thing. Fair enough, they weren’t her things!

Exactly even if you don't have the money or the transport to do in one go there is no reason why you can't take one box at a time every time you visit.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

My mother used to nag me about this, so when I stayed with them for a few days I asked her to get all the boxes out. I went through the lot, set aside what I'd be taking away with me & said she could throw the rest away (as she'd been threatening to).

She started picking up the unwanted things one by one, telling me I couldn't throw this or that away because xyz. I just took what I wanted & left her to make her own decisions. Decades later she still hadn't thrown it away.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

I’d pick a date 2 months after he gets the new house and tell him that’s when he needs to take his things by (if he’s already buying the house that is, if it’s just a maybe sometime thing then 2 months from now!).

Tell him you want the room empty so you can sit in your empty room and decide what to do with it.

[Poppyismyfavourite]

Get rid! My parents boxed up all my stuff and brought it to me when I bought a house. My brother has just bought a house too and I think they're doing it to him now. My sister is renting in a foreign country so she still has stuff in their loft.

[grey12]

30 odd year old here ;) living with parents in law and dreaming of a house....

You say he just moved in. Give him some time to organise his stuff.

Do let him know you don't want his things in your house. Is he unreasonable? Untrustworthy? That you would think he wouldn't follow your request? Deadlines in these cases seem to me a bit petty. Necessary at times but petty. I would try a softer approach first. You don't seem to require the space that urgently.

[goatley]

Of course he should take his stuff.

I left home at a young age and I had to take the bulk of my crap with me to a succession of rented houses. I did end up losing a couple of boxes of 'treasures' on the way but seeing as I didn't notice I no longer had them until years later they were clearly not so important.

My DS has rebounded back home from University and has a LOT of boxes of books/games etc in his bedroom here with me. I am trying to encourage him to start whittling it down now rather than him moving on and leaving me with it all.

I don't hoard so just don't get it maybe?

[canigooutyet]

Yup even if it’s the yearly obligated care ride to visit parents, load up the car, if using transport take an extra case to take your stuff.

Why are lots of people suggesting the op do the grunt work or taking it to him. Maybe the boxes in corners of rooms around the house is because the op cannot physically move them. 10 years is a long time and if capable no one would just leave it there in the way.

And if you are, why? Sooner or later they need to deal with it anyway. All those things you have tripped over, walked into, dusted etc over the years they will be binned by them when they clear your home once they’ve cherry picked what they want from your things.

[Polnm]

We went through the moments stuff at Christmas. I had a mother who kept nothing and so had overdone pictures, cards, shoes, toys etc it was over 3 days and brought back great memories.

Dd kept about 40% and DS about 20%. They took pictures of some stuff. I kept about 10 of the discarded items. rest went to charity or the tip:recycling

[Marmaladey]

Set a deadline. My dad did this for us, he was about to move so really did need to clear out the last bits we hadn’t moved (there wasn’t much). He will never come and get it otherwise.

[canigooutyet]

Or what happens when the parents want to downsize, are they expected to take their adult dc stuff with them, or sort though?

Can you imagine a thread - AIBU I have lots of things at my parents house. It’s my home afterall even though I moved out 10 years ago. I’ve explained I don’t have the space for it, but they’ve given me a month to move my stuff. They want to downsize and are refusing to take my valued childhood possessions with them. They have way too much stuff so if they get rid of that they can take these with them. They are hoarders, rooms cramped with boxes of stuff that never get open, wardrobes fill of stuff etc.

[Elastins]

He’s 31, not a teenager.

He either moves it by a specific date or it’s at the tip.

He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him. If it was that sentimental he’d have shifted it years ago.

[Ellie56]

Sooverthemill I feel your pain. My dad kept Argos catalogues, mustard tins, jars and a whole raft of other rubbish.

When my parents went into care, we set about sorting out the house. It was a complete nightmare.

When we opened the garage door we immediately came literally face to face with a hoarder's paradise.

In just one hour we filled the recycling bin with old catalogues, tins and jars.

It took 2 years, four skips and regular listing on Ebay to get rid of everything.

[Allflightscancelled]

I'm another one who says you should make him take it. Whatever the stuff is, your house isn't a storage unit.

I know a man well into his 50s who lives in a tiny cottage - his own choice. But he loves motorbikes so has several and nowhere to keep them. They're in his mum's garage, presumably putting HER domestic insurance up because they're very valuable. And probably her car insurance too, as there's no room for her car in the garage. It's time her son grew up and she got tough with him.

Same with you, OP.

[compulsivesnacker]

I’m still laughing at longtalljosie. If you are in the position of being shacked up long enough to have a couple of kids in a stable relationship, you really should have sorted out your detritus that you left all over other peoples houses long ago. How self centred do you have to be to assume that your garbage is someone else’s problem and get uppity when they actually drop it off at yours so you can’t ignore it any longer.
On what planet is not looking after your shit any more ‘making it all about them’? 😂

[landoflostcontent]

Went to a car boot once and bought several things from a lovely couple. Got chatting and it seems most of their "boot" was full of items belonging to their very adult children. They said they had warned them they had 6 months to collect anything they wanted or they would car boot it.

[HowFastIsTooFast]

He needs to get rid! I left home 17 years ago (originally a temporary move for a seasonal job, which then became permanent) and my Mum will occasionally call now to say 'Do you want X thing that is in 'your' bedroom?'.

No Thanks Mum, it's very kind of you to ask but if I haven't needed that handbag/CD/perfume/cuddly toy/troll doll in 17 years I'm unlikely to need it at all!

[Blueeyedpixie]

@compulsivesnacker me too. I told DH and we’re both still sniggering 🤭

Also mentioned to our 7 year old that when he moves out he’ll need to take all his stuff with him and he said “obviously! It’s MY stuff after all!”

[HowFastIsTooFast]

@Goingdownto

A lot of the time parents had bigger homes than the small flats their dc are moving into.

Well yes that's true, but presumably these flats are larger than the childhood bedroom they had in their parents house, thus the stuff they had in there will fit in the flat.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

DuckbilledSplatterPuff its very big, which is what he wanted as was going long haul plus I don't have his postal address these days ,just know the area he lives roughly. If I'd not bought it him his dad was going to lend him one of set I'd bought so that's why I did, but dressed it up as a leaving home present from me.

[NothingIsWrong]

I had to do this - bought my first house and Mum asked me to clear everything from her house that I wanted. I assumed this was perfectly normal...

[noimkaren]

Sounds like a classic DP problem Longtalljosie. How long did your DP take to sort out his stuff when it was dumped on him and how long did it take him to sort it out? Just.Say. No.If he hasn't used/needed this stuff in years, he doesn't need it now.
I operated a strict 3 month policy, and marked the boxes that did sneak in with a 'sell by' date and got rid of them. DP has never noticed or asked about any of them. I'm not completely ruthless; I'll make room for sentimental stuff properly stored, but junk is junk.
Unfortunately
My PIL are classic hoarders and my Dp has inherited the tendency from them. like you we were on the cusp of having DC, both working f-t and the house needed gutting ( think builders in, no heating, dust etc). They tried to 'gift us' not just random boxes of school books/uni work, but their own furniture/old paint/ and stuff from his GP because our house had 'more room' or we'd find xyz crap 'useful' They can't throw anything away - eg. FIL buys wine, "stores it" and finds it again when it's vinegar, MIL buys the same scarf/china knicknack/clothing multiple times because she likes it and can't keep track of what she owns; massively disorganised and wasteful. Get the picture?
It's your house and you're paying for it. Work it out per sq m. It's bloody expensive storage. Don't give in.Tell your Dp to go to his parents, bin it and come home, without it.

[HeronLanyon]

goingdown me too and my siblings. Not in rooms but in the loft. Sorted through when my mum died. A couple of boxes. A few things I had actually tried to sort but she’d say - you can’t throw that away! So it sat there and I think brought her some comfort in the. ‘family’ home. I got it.
At 31 I know if forced I would have thrown a few things I’m really glad to have now.