Offered to sponsor a ‘friend’ and......

[TableFlowerss]

In a nutshell - a girl I used to go to school with many years ago was doing a sponsored walk.

On her FB she asks if people would consider sponsoring her and the charity.

I thought it was a great effort so tried to donate £30 following link. For sons reason it wouldn’t work and wanted me to log in (I was already logged in)

DP tried at my request as it was public in friends FB page but he got an error message.

Anyway- I sent a message to said friend and explained and that I liked her effort and cause and would like to sponsor her £30. If she wants to send me bank details etc as I couldn’t do it with link provided.

That was about 10am and she’s not replied! I can see she’s been on line a few times since.

Now we are not close at all and she’s not a friend in the true term as I’ve not seen her since school. We have been FB friends for many years though.

I feel a bit annoyed and that she doesn’t trust me with her bank details or something. I mean I work in finance and there’s not much you can do with a sort code and an account number.

My DH is also a professional and spend many years at uni to get his qualifications. We both worth in fiends whereby you have to be trustworthy or you could do all sorts.

I also notice of the 21 people that have donated (I could see if in FB) our sponsor was the most.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not after major thanks, it’s only £30 and I liked the charity and that’s why I offered.

But I feel a bit annoyed that they have acknowledged it. It’s not like we’re close and done times you feel under pressure. I wanted to to help.

I feel like my friend is rude/ungrateful and doesn’t trust me!!!

@Womencanlift

This is the strangest thread. OP you are being very very weird

If I couldn’t get in a link I would wait and try later. It would never occur to me to start asking someone I knew well for bank details never mind a random acquaintance from school!

If you wanted to be helpful you could have just sent her a message to say “hey just to let you know your sponsorship link isn’t working. Could you let me know when it’s fixed as I would love to donate something to your good cause?” That would have been normal behaviour

PS - I am a senior professional in financial services just like you and I would never give my bank details over Facebook. Have you never done any Information Security mandatory training????

Would you ever write a cheque out?

Are you sure the text arrived?

Or if it was messenger, has she seen it?

No. I have never had a cheque book.

Also when cheques were wide spread, which they haven’t been for many years (hence why I have never been issued with a cheque book), fraud wasn’t as prevalent as it is these days so it’s not exactly a like for like example

@Womencanlift

No. I have never had a cheque book.

Also when cheques were wide spread, which they haven’t been for many years (hence why I have never been issued with a cheque book), fraud wasn’t as prevalent as it is these days so it’s not exactly a like for like example

It is a like for like for like example as cheques are still used today.

Ironically mainly the older generation that don’t trust technology.

@WhenCoronaWasALager

Or if it was messenger, has she seen it?

Yes I believe they have seen it as it says seen at x time

So the issue is the link wasn’t broken, you just couldn’t remember your password. Why don’t you just reset your password?

It makes a lot of sense that you have anxiety, without context I can see why people would label your thought process here as “weird” - because it is not a normal reaction - it’s odd, not the norm. You’re taking exception to being called “weird”but had you provided some context given you know you have anxiety issues may have prevented people labelling your response as “weird”.

[quote TableFlowerss]@famousforwrongreason

Oh I absolutely agree with you and I thank you for you’re understanding. You’ve hit the nail on the head there.

You’re right- I do have anxiety in general. It’s terrible. And like you, I can often spot it when it not related to me if that makes sense. That’s when I can be rational about it.

When it’s related to you (or me 😬) you do feel crap and take things out of context. When people are saying you’re weird etc... it makes you feel worse of course. Sometimes people do it simply because they can and it’s anonymous site and some people just like to be horrible. Other it’s not that they’re being deliberately awful but just don’t understand.

Some get their point across but in a nice way and they say they’re piece but aren’t harsh or rude. Others are simply nasty.

So yes[/quote]
Bless you. Sorry I was a bit piss takey too. I feel guilty now and completely understand why you've reacted like this.
It's easy to take the piss or be mean on such an anonymous forum, allows us to let off steam in a way that doesn't impact our real lives, and easy to forget that for the anonymous poster, it is their real life.

I have taken things into my own hands many times after dwelling on things really intensely and then when I've expressed my feelings its all tumbled out in such a way that the recipient is completely blind sided and has absolutely no idea why I had such a strong reaction. And when I've retold the story to friends I can see they are having trouble understanding why I'm so upset.

Im trying really hard not to give in to that instinct unless it's something where someone's genuinely taken the mickey or been rude etc.
I have blown up a couple of times during lockdown and been mortified later, I have nobody at home to bounce this stuff off of and rather than checking it out with someone impartial I've gone in, both barrels.
I really believe this is your issue and not hers.
if it's bothering you so much I'd suggest you delete your conversation with her. She won't know it's deleted but it just means that you won't be able to go back and keep checking if she's seen it or been online etc.
Take the matter completely out of your hands. If she doesn't respond then it's up to you whether you donate direct to the charity or do something else with the 30 squids.
I am sending solidarity because I know how it feels to be so het up over specific things. Sending hugs.

Jeezo Give her a chance. Its Saturday she's possibly been busy with family things. If I was busy and saw a message like yours I wouldn't get back to you straight away. I'm not going to start faffing about with bank cards etc when I'm busy.

Chances are you'll hear from her tomorrow.

As you said in your OP - you’re not close and she’s not a friend in the true term. She probably thinks the same and is perhaps reluctant to give bank details, especially if the link has worked for others. Donate to the charity privately and then have a cull on FB. People who you keep in touch with are friends not virtual friends online.

If you're that bothered about the charity, give £30 directly. Or are you trying to rekindle this non-friendship from years ago?
In which case, I feel for her as you sound needy and ridiculously demanding of attention.

@vikingwife

So the issue is the link wasn’t broken, you just couldn’t remember your password. Why don’t you just reset your password?

It makes a lot of sense that you have anxiety, without context I can see why people would label your thought process here as “weird” - because it is not a normal reaction - it’s odd, not the norm. You’re taking exception to being called “weird”but had you provided some context given you know you have anxiety issues may have prevented people labelling your response as “weird”.

Thank you. I do appreciate your comment. X

She's just been busy with something else.

Yes, she asked for donations, managed by a site- she didn't sign up to manage them herself. All I mean is- she's not failing to do something she's supposed to do.

I think email is more secure than messenger maybe, IDK. Either way, I'm sure she'll get back to you in the next day or two. £30 is a decent donation.

You seem to have got very angry over a relative stranger having plans for the day. It's like you feel you're entitled to her attention (because you have social status/money?)

Even if she's on FB and read the message, it takes a bit of effort to sort out something like that (it mightn't to you, but it does to some people sometimes.) She might just not've had the mental 'bandwidth'/energy today. And you don't know her well after all- she could have stuff going on that you don't know about.

**Bless you. Sorry I was a bit piss takey too. I feel guilty now and completely understand why you've reacted like this.
It's easy to take the piss or be mean on such an anonymous forum, allows us to let off steam in a way that doesn't impact our real lives, and easy to forget that for the anonymous poster, it is their real life.

I have taken things into my own hands many times after dwelling on things really intensely and then when I've expressed my feelings its all tumbled out in such a way that the recipient is completely blind sided and has absolutely no idea why I had such a strong reaction. And when I've retold the story to friends I can see they are having trouble understanding why I'm so upset.

Im trying really hard not to give in to that instinct unless it's something where someone's genuinely taken the mickey or been rude etc.
I have blown up a couple of times during lockdown and been mortified later, I have nobody at home to bounce this stuff off of and rather than checking it out with someone impartial I've gone in, both barrels.
I really believe this is your issue and not hers.
if it's bothering you so much I'd suggest you delete your conversation with her. She won't know it's deleted but it just means that you won't be able to go back and keep checking if she's seen it or been online etc.
Take the matter completely out of your hands. If she doesn't respond then it's up to you whether you donate direct to the charity or do something else with the 30 squids.
I am sending solidarity because I know how it feels to be so het up over specific things. Sending hugs**

@famousforwrongreason

Thank you. I really do appreciate this post of yours. I know I go OTT sometimes and some would think . I often do I’m RL and stress about ‘nothing’

Means a lot that you took time to reply to me.

Actually got tears rolling down my cheeks now don’t know if it’s because my DH is not back from his friends yet or my anxiety is sky high!

Hey OP

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time. I'm guessing you are someone who replies and sorts things out ASAP? Other people aren't like that. I'm def not.

I'd prob think I could reply to your message within 3 days. I'd be hoping that in that time, you would have found the link worked and I didnt have to act on it.

I hate admin type stuff, and would have found setting the fund raising page up quite a pain. If I then had to coordinate separate donations via bank, I would feel overwhelmed and i might just avoid it. (And yes, like your friend I have lots of professional responsibilities, so it's not a lack of competence).

She might just be having a really tough/busy day. Yesterday I spent the day cleaning then socialising- that wiped me out and while I would have read messages, I wouldn't have replied to them. Today, I have spent the day helping my 12 year old dd make it through another day of horrible anxiety. Again, I might have read messages but I wouldn't have replied.

I'm guessing maybe there's backstory about your self image and confidence? Most people would not take this personally.

People are very different to each other and live different lives. You're ascribing really improbable motives to her. The reality will be a lot more mundane and a lot less personal! You say you have anxiety? Have you ever tried CBT? It's a really helpful tool for challenging thoughts like these.

I'm as wired and neurotic as you seem to be OP. And would be the exact same in this scenario so I genuinely empathise. When you're standing on the outside looking in it's so much easier to see that it's very unlikely to be anything about you personally.

I do think this has blown up in your head. Probably because of the crippling underlying anxiety caused by low self esteem that's making you worry that it's because you're not worthy or she doesn't like you. It's more likely she read the pm and thought I'll deal with that later. And has forgot

@TableFlowerss

**Bless you. Sorry I was a bit piss takey too. I feel guilty now and completely understand why you've reacted like this. It's easy to take the piss or be mean on such an anonymous forum, allows us to let off steam in a way that doesn't impact our real lives, and easy to forget that for the anonymous poster, it is their real life.

I have taken things into my own hands many times after dwelling on things really intensely and then when I've expressed my feelings its all tumbled out in such a way that the recipient is completely blind sided and has absolutely no idea why I had such a strong reaction. And when I've retold the story to friends I can see they are having trouble understanding why I'm so upset.

Im trying really hard not to give in to that instinct unless it's something where someone's genuinely taken the mickey or been rude etc.
I have blown up a couple of times during lockdown and been mortified later, I have nobody at home to bounce this stuff off of and rather than checking it out with someone impartial I've gone in, both barrels.
I really believe this is your issue and not hers.
if it's bothering you so much I'd suggest you delete your conversation with her. She won't know it's deleted but it just means that you won't be able to go back and keep checking if she's seen it or been online etc.
Take the matter completely out of your hands. If she doesn't respond then it's up to you whether you donate direct to the charity or do something else with the 30 squids.
I am sending solidarity because I know how it feels to be so het up over specific things. Sending hugs**

@famousforwrongreason

Thank you. I really do appreciate this post of yours. I know I go OTT sometimes and some would think . I often do I’m RL and stress about ‘nothing’

Means a lot that you took time to reply to me.

Actually got tears rolling down my cheeks now don’t know if it’s because my DH is not back from his friends yet or my anxiety is sky high!

I'm so sorry I added to the posts making you feel bad. I am sad to think of you crying. You sound so much like me. It's really hard to have this kind of brain. I have posted on here before about concerns and had similar reactions. I was laughing about the factory thing as it did tickle me, but it was more me laughing at myself thinking I was being funny. I laugh at myself a lot and then realise other people might not think I'm as funny. Then I will spend days worrying I've hurt their feelings or just that I sound 'weird' You need to be distracted tonight if you're not going to bed, take you out of your current mindset . Stick on some favourite and familiar comedy, if I'm feeling really shit and overwhelmed, Friends will do the trick, or alan partridge, peep show or People Just Do Nothing! or listen to some uplifting podcasts like brene brown (can be found on YouTube). Get your dh to bring you back something nice if takeaways are still open. You can report the thread and have it removed if it's feeling too harsh

Thank you @ifeellikeanidiot for your thoughtful reply.

I’m sitting here sniffing like a weeping willow.

I know you’re all right and it’s too early to be stressing. This time next week then fair enough.

I have got a lot on at the min in my personal life and mostly I can keep a lid on it but sometimes I struggle. Especially when it’s to do with my children.

I lost my mam very early 20’s, she was an alcoholic, dad was abusive, not sure if there’s something wrong with one of my DC, they can’t tell yet. All of this causes stress

It all takes its toll and whilst I’ve never seeked any therapy at 40 almost. I feel like I’ve just got to get on with it

@famousforwrongreason

Thank you again. Its not you or anyone here, it’s me and my ways. I’ve just got a lot on at the min with work, worrying about kids etc that sometimes my anxiety sky rockets.

Anxiety is awful for so many reasons. It’s strange because I very rarely cry - not because I don’t feel sad- but there’s just no tears. Yet tonight I’m like a waterfall 😭😭😂
Not because of here though, it’s just a build up of everything and I’ve had a few wines 😳

Anyway thanks for listening to me waffle on x

I’m terrible at giving people my bank details even when they owe me. I’d have to open my computer and get them and send them over... too hard! Fb or mumsnet on the other hand are just on my phone...

@TableFlowerss

Thank you *@ifeellikeanidiot* for your thoughtful reply.

I’m sitting here sniffing like a weeping willow.

I know you’re all right and it’s too early to be stressing. This time next week then fair enough.

I have got a lot on at the min in my personal life and mostly I can keep a lid on it but sometimes I struggle. Especially when it’s to do with my children.

I lost my mam very early 20’s, she was an alcoholic, dad was abusive, not sure if there’s something wrong with one of my DC, they can’t tell yet. All of this causes stress

It all takes its toll and whilst I’ve never seeked any therapy at 40 almost. I feel like I’ve just got to get on with it

I hear you and feel for you I have alcoholic / abusive parents. That stuff can eat away at some people if left unaddressed and makes you less resilient than people who've had a more 'standard' upbringing. Its very hard to learn 'don't sweat the small stuff' if you were never shown it as a child. And also some concerns about one of my children's health too so I can really identify with you. It's no wonder that you are feeling weird about the sponsorship, if your life was going smoothly you might just think, 'fuck it, if she cba to reply I'll just give the money elsewhere', but atm you're probably feeling a bit raw and tender and everything feels like you're under attack. I also agree with a previous poster who said that your friend /acquaintance possibly hates admin and just cba to deal with your query as well as other stuff in her own life. Sometimes I don't read messages for days if I think someone wants me to do something. I have disabilities too and severe pain/exhaustion. My work admin is almost too much to handle let alone dealing with home admin too!

When your primary experience is chaos and disaster you can be constantly primed for real or perceived danger. You can have a tendency to be always on the lookout for trouble, hence the anxiety and sometimes seeing problems where there aren't any and reacting in extreme ways just because of how you're always slightly on the edge already, it's easy to tip over.
If you've been having a hard time recently it is of course going to make you even more sensitive than usual.
You sound like you really deserve some self care and love.
I've been through some horrific things through my life and the past year has been one of the most testing times of my life. It's left me feeling very vulnerable and feeling isolated and exposed at the same time!
I have had counselling or therapy a few times and am on the waiting list for more now. If you can go privately I highly recommend emdr therapy which helps with trauma.
I can imagine your mum's alcoholism and your dad's behaviour have had a profoundly traumatising effect on you. Maybe worth considering it.
The nhs also offer emdr but can be a long wait and can take a lot of convincing them.
There's lots of books like The Life Changing Magic of not Giving a Fuck, and people like Eckhart Tolle are great for helping you to centre yourself (I need to take my own advice)

I meant to say, both of those are available on YouTube. Eckhart's The Power of Now, both available on there as audio books for free!
I'm going to pm you and send you a link to a fab online book too which you can read straight away. V powerful for women x

Oh and wrt to the charity link, have you tried copy and paste the link onto the search engine rather than through Facebook?
Or when you click on the link and it opens new page, there's normally an option (usually top left corner) maybe three dots which give you option to open on browser such as chrome /safari.
Both these options should mean you bypass the fb sign in stuff, unless the donation link is actually a Facebook facility rather than the usual sponsorship links, hope that makes sense. Maybe after sleep

I know the thread has moved on a bit now but I just wanted to add -

My guess is that, since the page isn't working properly, quite a few people have messaged her something similar and she is currently having a panic trying to sort out the problems with the page. I bet in a few days time she will reply to you letting you know that the issue has been sorted. That's what I would do.

It’s threads like this that make me realise how complex and frankly odd human behaviour can be