To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

@Bereft89 Well done for telling someone. You've started the ball rolling & now know you have somewhere you can go. Just remember, you did not cause this, you did nothing wrong & can walk away with your head held high

If you think he might be a psychopath there is a questionnaire you can do that is designed for people who know the psychopath (because psychopaths themselves are very manipulative so hard to test for diagnosis). It’s called the Hare Psychopathy Questionnaire.

I think that’s good to go and stay with your mum you need some space to sort out how you feel

And be nice to be taken care of we all need that at times

Yes I agree

Great you told your dm op

You could do with getting legal advice from a family law solicitor before deciding what to do

This is the biggest warning flag I’ve ever seen. The lack of feelings, emotions. The lack of care and love? Totally not normal and potentially incredibly dangerous. Please get out and don’t look back, this is your chance.

What Doubletrouble said.

You need to make yourself a life, get your ducks in a row and get as much advice as you can before you leave. Be realistic of what he is like and what you can expect from him. Take your strength from knowledge and supportive networks you build up.

Of course you feel heartbroken for the poor boy he bullied so mercilessly. Because you're a very empathetic person and he can see how nice you are (and hates it). I suspect he's jealous of you as well, because you have friends and a loving family.

I will get some advice. Thank you everyone for being do kind to me. I appreciate it so much.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@hammie46i
If he has narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder (those are the two personality disorders that involve lack of empathy)

There is also EUPD where the person feel emptiness inside and incapable of love. Incapable of love is different from empathy. But, yes, I would not stay with someone who has a personality disorder and is not aware of it or not seeking/doing treatment.[/quote]
Having been raised by someone who had borderline personality disorder (aka EUPD), I'd say run for the hills, if that is his issue.

@Bereft89

Thank you so much for your comments and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I did finally managed to get some sleep. I slept on the sofa.

I'm dreading him getting up because I just don't know what to say or even how to look him in the eye.

I honestly think leaving is going to be the best option. He could go for therapy, yes. Would it make him feel love? Would he stop hating me for being kind? I don't want to be in a theatre production for the rest of my life where every "Nice moment" is pretend.

Now that I have had chance to wrack my brains, I think he's so much more pleasant to me when we are with other people, in fact he's like a changed man. People are going to say to me "You just have noticed" Yeah maybe you do notice some things but I'm a person who likes to see the good and I try not to judge so things that were easily explained to me - why would I think anymore about it. At the beginning he only rarely exhibited possibly questionable behaviour. It's like it was ramped up so slowly I didn't see it clearly.

This is like boiling a frog. They don't feel the temp going up because their bodies adapt to the increasing temp, until it's too late and they're boiled to death.

That's basically what he's doing to you - ramping it up so you don't notice and are totally destroyed by it - but for some reason he's given you the warning light.

You haven't said whether or not you have children - I do hope not, for everyone's sake.

And yes - doing things in public to "look good" is an absolutely standard trait - that's why it's often such a surprise to neighbours and acquaintance when they hear about how abusive people have been, because they were always such a "great guy, pillar of the community" blah blah. But people who know can usually see the signs and are wary - so you may get some people who are surprised, but you'll probably get some who are just glad you've realised now what you're dealing with.

(((hugs))) - hope you can leave very soon.

Everyone is "conned" into a relationship in the sense that everyone is trying to impress and on their best behaviour when a relationship starts out. Finding out who the "real" person is underneath it all is something that only happens over time.

That's why even quite small red flags at the start of a relationship should be considered carefully, because chances are they will become much bigger red flags later on down the line.

He has no empathy. He does have insight though. He’s telling you who he is.

His conscience is clear. Don’t feel bad about being deceived, I’m sure he was charming.

Next time something happens he’ll tell you it’s your own fault, he warned you what he was like.

Get out now.

Your husband is an awful person and he will only get worse.

When you were at your weakest your husband abandoned you, he makes excuses to be horrible to you, he’s refusing to grow up and he uses the fact you’re “nice and kind against you, isn’t that enough to realise this man is abusive.

As for his excuse, a lot of us were bullied at school, we didn’t turn into bullies. If he had any insight or maturity he would realise bullying makes people unhappy and not bully you. Bullying from a long time ago is not a valid excuse for bad behaviour in adulthood.

Please leave this man, and the look after yourself, get therapy, enjoy life and you’ll find someone who will appreciate a kind woman and he will hold your hand and look after you like a Princess when you get sick. You deserve kindness and compassion from the people closest to you.

Rabblemum "As for his excuse, a lot of us were bullied at school, we didn’t turn into bullies. If he had any insight or maturity he would realise bullying makes people unhappy and not bully you. Bullying from a long time ago is not a valid excuse for bad behaviour in adulthood."

Please read what the OP said again. The OP's husband was not bullied, he was the bully. She said that quite clearly, but loads of people are getting it wrong.

@Bereft89 when people tell you who they are - believe them the first time.

Well, he's said it all himself. He sometimes hates you BECAUSE you are nice and kind. This says some pretty worrying things both about his attitude to you, and his attitude to kindness. He feels that he isn't capable of real love. He admits to having been a bully as a teenager, and, while quite a few kids are fairly horrible at that age and become very nice later on, he says that he is 'still mean'. His earlier actions tell you a worrying story: in particular, when you had flu badly enough to put you in hospital, he seemed only interested in the stress that it was causing HIM. You aren't a loser, and you haven't been conned, but you are in a relationship with someone who is very disturbed and basically an abuser, and it's likely to get worse if you stay with him. Run, don't walk, from this relationship.

I would leave the marriage. He has big emotional problems at the very least and possibly something more serious. The almost annoyance at you for being ill is alarming.

You don’t mention children, so I’m assuming you don’t have them. In that case it will be much easier for you to walk away and have a clean break, you won’t have to be involved with him. Take your mum up on her offer.

Just another voice saying, "Run for the best refuge you can" as there is no chance at all this will improve.

You will recover. Do not second guess or start blaming yourself here as this is a personality type that is charming and deceitful and often popular and successful because of the facade that they can maintain.

You're not a supporting actor in this man's life story - you have your own life to live.

No, there are no children.

I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again now, which is awful.

Bereft89 I hope you have taken on board the posts warning you of the potential danger to you, particularly if/when you tell him you are ending the marriage. He won't like you telling him what is going to happen. Please protect yourself as much as you can, as you don't know fully what he is capable of, (although what you have discovered has understandably shaken you to the core) and people like this can be very dangerous indeed.

You deserve so much better. You're nice and kind and seem like a good lady . Dont let this man run your life and upset you. I love you and all the women on here and want the best for everybody ! Please dont stay in this crap marriage ! Who The hell gets angry at their wife being in hospital!!!??? I was in hospital too with low oxygen numbness and breathing difficulties. My husband was running all round the hospital to make sure I was ok whilst looking after our 4 kids. You husband should be running round for you too

I'm quite a cliche really. I grew up thinking when I got married it would be all true love and my husband would be my Aladdin or Prince Charming - instead of Aladdin I got fucking Jafar!!!

@Bereft89

No, there are no children.

I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again now, which is awful.

Well, thank goodness for the first part! BUt as to the second part, there are ways to get round, over, past this.

Counselling is an option, doing the Freedom programme is another, getting the "Why Does He Do That?" book by Lundy Bancroft www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men - all of these will help you to
• see that none of this was your fault
• be able to spot the red flag warning signs next time
• learn to trust yourself again

You CAN do this.

OP I would leave.
My Ex put on the charm when we first met. Years later I heard from his own brother that he had his arm broken by him, that my ex used pull the cat's tail and throw it across the garden, that he used to bully kids when they were little, because he was a large lad, that he used to run around hit kids with a stick.

You don't normally ask these questions when you first meet do you, that's the thing.