To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

@LilMissRe No, it's not like you can show up to your first date with a clipboard, asking:

*So, are you a psychopath?
*Did you bully as a teen?
*Do you have mummy issues?

So... What's for dessert?

He’s a bully pure and simple. He isn’t enough of a person to deal with his own negative emotions so he derives power from externalising his self hatred and making other people miserable.

Leave the bastard. You will never be happy when your partner is determined to drag you down in order to make himself feel better. You are worth much more than that.

@Bereft89

Maybe it was easier for him to keep up a fascade when he only had to be with me for a few hours a day before.

Sociopaths are often superficially charming, but struggle to keep up the act longer term, or when they're in the same company for too long. Recently you've been seeing the mask slip and he's now been honest and explained to you why.

What you do with this information is upto you, but if you choose to stay with him you should understand that this isn't something he can or will change about himself, so it's only likely to get worse as time goes on.

He made a poor young guys life a living hell. I hope that persons ok. I've been mean, but a living hell?!?! Leave OP protect yourself. Sounds like my ex abit. He was abused as a child (his excuse for his behaviour) and had this twisted way where he had to be in control of me at all times. We had a lovely day out once then he started being weird and as we walked past a group of people he suddenly started shouting at me how dare I cheat on him I was like WTF. The people looked at me like shit and he stormed off infront of me. His excuse was.... because I can. He enjoyed breaking me down.

There is literally nothing here to save, OP. I would run like the wind and never look back!!

I see a few people saying possibly he's a sociopath and he could well be. But something about your story really picked at me.

I have a teenage autistic child. And your husbands behaviour is very similar to theirs. Like when I'm ever sick they cannot cope with it and actually act like I no longer exist, or they get angry with me for being unwell. When I had a serious illness they actually asked me to "either die or get better quickly because I'm finding it irritating"

My child openly admits they don't feel love for anyone although they actually care and want to be around certain people but if they died they wouldn't be too bothered. If I'm upset they get angry. And the no friends bit is interesting. My child has had friends for very short periods but my child says they've had to put on an act and it was tiring so they gave up.

Sorry that you've found yourself in this situation and that I haven't got any real advice but I just thought I'd give you some of my story to think through x

@blissfulllife

I don't think this is the same at all, though. He boasted about having bullied a boy at school mercilessly and has no remorse. He sounds sadistic and actually potentially dangerous.

It doesn't sound the same as the way you describe your DS, it sounds more than my DD1, who can't put herself in someone else's shoes. But she's very rule focused and would never bully anyone.

@Bereft89 I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Echoing what other people have said please, please leave this man as soon as you safely can. Go to your mum's and start thinking of how to dissolve your ties with him.

His admissions are full of red flags: his past as a bully - the liking of control, lack of empathy to you and the admission he hates your positivity. These are absolutely the traits of a man with a significant personality disorder. Sadly, for most of your marriage I suspect you have been window dressing to him, a prop that helps him "pass" for human.

The important thing is you get out now. Worry about finances, and practicalities when you are safe. I don't want to scare you, but he will most likely not take your leaving happily: his loss of control over you, the way this will tarnish his image to other people will be too much for him to bear and could lead to him being dangerous. I would advise against telling him you are leaving until you are out, as he will lash out through any means necessary.

It will be scary for you to take such a big step, but you shouldn't feel like a loser, or foolish you were taken in by his deception. You sound like a good, kind person and you deserve so much more than this toxic relationship. Trusting someone else will be hard, and you should think about some counselling for yourself as self care.

Please, please once you are out remember that his nice traits are just a hollow mask. He will try to gaslight you, and love bomb you with affection - he will not change please do not be tempted or persuaded to go back to him. Sending you strength and a hug.

Not read all yet but when reading this morning alarm bells were ringing. Just discussed with a family member who said his type behaviour is defense mechanism and lots of people push away kind people. What sort of upbringing did he have? Was he mistreated?

Bur presumably blissfulllife your son would never bully someone badly for 2 years and make their life "a living hell". Surely you see that is very very different and points to possible psychopathy or sociopathy not autism.

@blissfulllife

I see a few people saying possibly he's a sociopath and he could well be. But something about your story really picked at me.

I have a teenage autistic child. And your husbands behaviour is very similar to theirs. Like when I'm ever sick they cannot cope with it and actually act like I no longer exist, or they get angry with me for being unwell. When I had a serious illness they actually asked me to "either die or get better quickly because I'm finding it irritating"

My child openly admits they don't feel love for anyone although they actually care and want to be around certain people but if they died they wouldn't be too bothered. If I'm upset they get angry. And the no friends bit is interesting. My child has had friends for very short periods but my child says they've had to put on an act and it was tiring so they gave up.

Sorry that you've found yourself in this situation and that I haven't got any real advice but I just thought I'd give you some of my story to think through x

Could you see your child bullying someone for a couple of years and admitting to enjoying it, like OP's DH? I don't think autistic people tend to do that so much. This points to a cruel streak.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Who said anything about personality disorders? People throwing labels around based on this mans horrible behaviour adds to the stigma for people who get diagnosed with a pd. it is unfair, there are lots of people diagnosed with a pd who would not harm someone and want to work hard on their struggles, and they overcome. Manipulative? Sounds like eupd, better run like the wind! To someone who works in mh or has friends/family with mh issues it is frustrating to see people stereotyped or armchair diagnosed based on a relatively small amount of information online.

I didn’t really mean that therapy could never help him, maybe it could, if he cared enough to engage with it. It’s not op’s job to beg him to work on it after years of putting up with abuse.

@oldbagface His Mum's a little odd. I've seen her lose her temper a little sometimes. He has two brothers, one is very shy and the other is lovely, he adores my SIL, I can tell by the way he looks at her and he always works so hard to keep her and their daughter happy. I struggle to believe that their parents were that bad if his siblings are OK. Who knows though.

Then perhaps my initial feelings were right. I went cold reading this early this morning. I think you know you need to leave. Even if he never harms you, you deserve to be loved and respected.

Whenever I've been ill and in hospital my husband has done everything and looked after me.

You deserve to be treated well and have mutual respect and love.

Leave and you will find it one day. You will look back and think wtf was I doing?

I've been there.

[quote caramelbun]@PlanDeRaccordement

Who said anything about personality disorders? People throwing labels around based on this mans horrible behaviour adds to the stigma for people who get diagnosed with a pd. it is unfair, there are lots of people diagnosed with a pd who would not harm someone and want to work hard on their struggles, and they overcome. Manipulative? Sounds like eupd, better run like the wind! To someone who works in mh or has friends/family with mh issues it is frustrating to see people stereotyped or armchair diagnosed based on a relatively small amount of information online.

I didn’t really mean that therapy could never help him, maybe it could, if he cared enough to engage with it. It’s not op’s job to beg him to work on it after years of putting up with abuse.[/quote]
I understand your argument, caramel, but in this case he almost certainly has a personality disorder. There are too many pointers to suggest otherwise.

I work in the mental health field.

I've never been in a relationship with a man that wasn't like this to some degree. The second they got their crusty feet under my table I started to see their entitlement and laziness. Far too many males out there looking for a human shaped appliance not a equal partner, hence the behaviour when you get sick (you're broken and therefore useless). This only gets worse as they age and their entitlement grows.

I'm so so sorry, you poor thing. My parents and in particular, my father is just like this. Growing up was a nightmare, I thought about suicide a lot as a young person.

My worst fear is that I should repeat the cycle with my own children. They're young and at the stage where they tell me they love me frequently, and sometimes I find that hard to hear, because even as an adult, my self-esteem and emotional state is impacted by my past experiences.

You deserve to feel loved and secure.

Sounds like you've got a good understanding of what he's like now op. I'm guessing he's either a narcissist or a sociopath, even he recognises that there's something different about himself. Please don't get pets or have kids with this man. I think your marriage has hit the end of the road but you need time to digest this fact. Start thinking about moving on without him and building a new life.

@mrpumblechook

He could be a sociopath or psychopath and he seems to have realised this himself and is warning you. I think you should leave him.

This.

Honestly he sounds terrifying.

Pack you bags and get yourself to your mum's ASAP.

It sounds like you're young enough to make a fresh start and still find your Aladdin one day!

OP...Get the heck out...He will only get worse.
Do not stay with anyone who does not contribute to your happiness.
He sounds vile to be honest...Someone who admits to being a bully out of control?..
Stuff that! Be independent of him.. You'll probably be far happier.

[quote Bereft89]@glasgow357 It would be safe to leave.

I'm just stunned. He says that it's an effort to be nice to people and to be loving. It's made me seriously doubt everything. My whole relationship has basically been one big lie. Like a theatre production where the audience sees the man behind the mask and I'm left clueless until the end.

How do you recover from this? [/quote]
He says that it's an effort to be nice to people and to be loving.

Someone once told me that the reason I think it’s easier to be nice than to be horrible to others is because I’m a nice person.

Nasty people find it as easy to be nasty as we find it to be nice.

This man resents your niceness, he loathes your happiness and has shown just how self obsessed he is that he doesn’t even care for you when your seriously ill.

There is sadly absolutely zero future in this marriage

Unless of course you want a lifetime of misery, having your last shred of self worth worn away and your kind and nice personality crushed.

No point in wasting a second longer on this guy. If you can get out now, do it.

I was just naive I suppose. I have read up and what everyone has suggested and it's just set off so many light bulbs. It's just left me thinking "Jesus, how did I not notice this was not normal behaviour"

@Bereft89

I was just naive I suppose. I have read up and what everyone has suggested and it's just set off so many light bulbs. It's just left me thinking "Jesus, how did I not notice this was not normal behaviour"

I thought it quite telling earlier that you said that you like to see the good in people and not judge. Admirable as this might be , it is impossible to not make judgements. Our daily lives involves hundreds of judgements being made. I think ignoring the flip side of goodness makes red flag behaviours harder to detect .

I think he did con you into marriage. He decided a wife would improve his quality of life. He carefully considered what temperament of wife would suit him best, in the way that a person would consider which breed of dog will suit the purpose best (ie gun dog/guard dog/support dog). Then he trained you by pretending to be the type of person you could fall in love with. In the same way that people train dogs with kindness not with fear whether or not they actually like dogs, because training with kindness is more effective. When you were ill you were no longer filling the function for which you were acquired, which is why he was annoyed with you.

You are now at a stage where he is finding that it's more effort to pretend to be what you thought he was than is compensated for by the gain of having a wife. I expect it's quite hard work for him to pretend to be nice. He's going to be himself (which is pretty unpleasant). He probably thinks you have been well-enough trained over the past few years that you stay, he gets to have a wife with no effort.

Just go, you can't fix him you can only save yourself from a miserable marriage. I also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That, it really is very useful in recognising the different means by which people can try to control you.

I say judge away !