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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 01/08/2020 09:58

In this particular case, therapy won't help. Don't sacrifice yourself upon this sociopath's altar. Just get out, he's dangerous and you owe him nothing.

Grumpymum789 · 01/08/2020 10:07

I once worked with someone who I suspect was like this. I knew he had no empathy, except for his own illnesses, and it was almost like he played a role of what he believed was acceptable behaviour and acceptable things to say but there was nothing underneath it... like he wore a veneer of acceptability.
What stood out to me is the part about when you were seriously ill, one of the times the man I knew let his ‘mask’ slip was when he was describing his wife being admitted to hospital and she was put in a wheelchair. For a few seconds he was livid and said she was well capable of walking and there was nothing wrong with her legs, with real venom. Yet he always made a massive deal about himself having hay fever or a simple cold. He was incapable of feeling empathy for anyone else.

Quarantimespringclean · 01/08/2020 10:07

If it’s any consolation OP this sort of dysfunctional personality doesn’t come from nowhere. There are reasons he is this way and with therapy he could change. But only if he wanted to and it doesn’t sound as if he does. Why would he - the way he is works for him. It gets him what he needs and keeps him safe.

You need to set your thought and concerns about him aside and think about what you need in lifeand from a partner. Will you be able to get those things from him? If not, what do you need to do? I think you already know the answer but it is so huge and disruptive it is hard to face it.

Flowers
nearlynermal · 01/08/2020 10:07

*"Be grateful you found out the truth before you had a child with him. Leave. Now. You are young enough to restart your life and if you choose to, find a partner who is capable of kindness."

For anyone reading who is not young, you are always young enough to re-start your life. If anyone else is in a similar situation, please do not stay to be mis-treated just because you are no longer young.*

Totally agree with the first point, and really like your comment on it, @User87471643901065319

howfarwevecome · 01/08/2020 10:11

It's not your job to fix him.

He has just told you he doesn't love you. Never did. He's put on a show to get the life he wanted.

Don't feel you need to carry on with the show. Go find real love.

hardboiledeggs · 01/08/2020 10:11

Don't advise this often but you need to leave. This wont get better, he knows what he is doing but he is making excuses for it. I was bullied also (badly) and I would NEVER use it as an excuse to be mean to anyone, especially someone i loved. Sorry but leave before this gets worse.

nakedscientistofthigh · 01/08/2020 10:12

Most here think he has a personality disorder and they may be right.
So sorry if this is hurtful ( I have experience of this which is why I'm saying it) but As an alternative view:
Might he be manipulating you into leaving him because he's having an affair?

I don't know what love is? = there's another woman I might love

I hate you when you're kind = guilt

Blanking you when ill: fun times with OW?

Sorry OP but yes leave him and your not being unreasonable.

Viviennemary · 01/08/2020 10:13

He put on a front when he first met you to hide his real character. Now he isn't. I don't think you have any other choice but to call it a day unless you want to live the rest of your life as you are now. He hasn't even offered to get counselling or do anything positive as a way to try and change his behaviour

mrpumblechook · 01/08/2020 10:13

Then why do we even have psychiatrists and psychologists? It works for people who genuinely want to change. Perhaps your FIL didn’t want to change.

They don't cure psychopaths or sociopaths though. They may diagnose and perhaps help reduce certain behaviours but they can't cure the cause of the behaviour.

mrpumblechook · 01/08/2020 10:14

If it’s any consolation OP this sort of dysfunctional personality doesn’t come from nowhere. There are reasons he is this way and with therapy he could change. But only if he wanted to and it doesn’t sound as if he does. Why would he - the way he is works for him. It gets him what he needs and keeps him safe

It does sometimes come from nowhere!.

Jeremyironsnothing · 01/08/2020 10:14

Yea, if you stay you've basically giving him permission to be as mean as he wants to you.

Maybe he wants you to be the one to end the relationship so he can come out of it looking good, or the wronged one.

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 10:15

@hardboiledeggs he was the bully. He admitted that. He wasn’t a bullying victim

mrpumblechook · 01/08/2020 10:16

@hardboiledeggs

Don't advise this often but you need to leave. This wont get better, he knows what he is doing but he is making excuses for it. I was bullied also (badly) and I would NEVER use it as an excuse to be mean to anyone, especially someone i loved. Sorry but leave before this gets worse.
He was the bully!
anicebag · 01/08/2020 10:21

Life/ you are annoying him. This is the way he reacts. He doesn't know how to react healthily. It's probably not been so much an issue before as there was other distractions/coping mechanisms before.

What were his care givers like growing up?

For me, the sickness thing is the issue. Lots of people can't handle sickness but to be mean to the sick person alerts to a certain kind of difficulty he won't fix without therapy and wanting to change. Can you be arsed putting up with this until that may/ may not happen?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/08/2020 10:21

I'm sorry but this sounds like he could get worse. He has used you for his public facade, the illusion that he's a decent man. He told you exactly who he is. He is a bully with no remorse. Why would you stay with a man who doesn't love you, doesn't care about you, who said he hated you for being nice? Your world has just collapsed around you, but you have to be strong. Put yourself first and leave. Get help from friends/family and go. Flowers

Mittens030869 · 01/08/2020 10:23

*So many people looking for excuses, perhaps this or that. Go on what he has told you. Look after yourself now. Get out. If you have children don’t subject them to this.

It is not your responsibility to make him whole/happy/better!!!! He is a grown man.*

I don't think anyone is making excuses for him, they're just talking about how people end up with a lack of empathy. Certainly no one is suggesting that it's the OP's responsibility to fix him. It certainly isn't.

I can't emphasise enough how damaging it would be if you were to have children with a man like that. My F was like that, although I think he was better at faking it (he was previously a barrister so hardly a surprise). He never once apologised for anything, so it's hardly a surprise that I've been permanently apologising for everything my whole life. (Apparently he apologised on his death bed, 22 years ago, to my DSis for the SA he put us through as children.)

I suppose the one good thing is that he's told you the truth about himself. My F presented himself as a devout Christian and convinced everyone, including my DM, that he was a loving husband and father. Whereas I can see now that what he did to her was coercive control and emotional abuse. He was also paranoid about her cheating (oh the irony).

There were obvious reasons in his case, as he grew up in Prague during World War 2 and his father was shot by the Gestapo and an uncle died in a concentration camp. He was full of hatred of Germans, which was very uncomfortable growing up around.

It doesn't excuse his actions, though, as he didn't see that what he was doing was wrong; he always blamed other people.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 10:23

To the lady that suggested it, there's definitely no other woman.

He's up and about now. He hasn't said much. I've exchanged the usual morning pleasantries. I'm so mentally exhausted right now I don't have the energy to be any other way.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 01/08/2020 10:23

[quote Bereft89]@1forAll74 How is it strange? He made out he was one person - very convincingly so and up until tonight told me he loved me. Now he hates me because I'm nice, he doesn't care if I get sick and he doesn't actually really love me because he's never loved anyone![/quote]
I think that really answers all of your questions, if you read it back. It tells you succinctly who he really is, so why you need to get out of the relationship.

He has also admitted to being a high school bully and I don't get the impression from your posts that there is much sign of remorse there. In fact, I would say that there are increasing signs that he is starting to bully you and will increase it.

Leave. There is no happy future here. That is how you recover from it. It will be a bumpy road, but not as bumpy as staying put with him.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 10:25

I have spoken to my mum - via txt and then deleted them. She's just blown away by what I've said. She has said I can go and stay with her if I need to.

OP posts:
ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 01/08/2020 10:29

You know the saying when someone tells you who they are believe it

We have all overlooked an issue because we love someone we have all been blinded at times and he has tried to cover up who he is

But that’s him and that isn’t someone you will ever have a happy future with

Make plans to move on it time you can work on why you overlooked things so you don’t repeat them again but don’t be hard on yourself you haven’t done anything wrong

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 01/08/2020 10:30

@hardboiledeggs - he wasn't bullied, he was the bully. Sorry you were bullied though.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 10:31

I know people will perhaps think I'm strange but I feel so heartbroken for the poor boy he bullied for two years. He must still suffer the consequences.

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 01/08/2020 10:31

I haven't read the whole thread but I certainly feel you need to have a rethink and make a live for yourself out of this marriage. Having two teens on the Autistic spectrum I do recognise some of your husbands personality traits. The complete lack of empathy and inability to think of anyone but himself is just untenable in a fully functioning marriage. In order to move on please look at what you can do well without him, your job, your circle of friends, family, outside activities. Start investigating your financial situation and how you can ringfence your portion of joint property/bank accounts. Once you have had a think about the positives I'm sure you will be able to feel more positive about moving on. Don't get hung up about being duped by this man forget him and try and move on. Good luck.

Emeraldshamrock · 01/08/2020 10:31

You never really know someone till you live with them.
If it is possible take your DM up on the offer.
Remember and relay his words in your head, when someone shows/tells you who they are Listen. Don't sugar coat how sour it is.

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 10:33

@Doubletrouble99 I appreciate you have family experience, but my understanding is that those on the autistic spectrum rarely bully but are vulnerable to being bullied. My dd is probably on the spectrum and is nothing like what op has described.