To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

I wonder about asking for Clare’s Law disclosure op - I wonder if there is any possibility that although he hasn’t been violent to you that he may have been violent to other women in the past?

It might be worth doing this to help gauge the risk you would be in when you leave him as it sounds like you have decided to do.

I would consult women’s aid before leaving and do not tell him you are planning to leave.

I don’t mean that you should wait to leave him but please get some support lined up before you do and if you can speak to women’s aid today I would do

He’s told you who he is, and you really, really need to believe him.

My Ex was like this in a way. He was SO so charming to me at first and I completely fell for it. He was so loving and I moved in and had his child. Some ‘grumpiness’ and odd ‘getting too heated in arguments’. Basically very kind though. However after some years I realized he had cheated on me the whole time, and been slowly telling everyone else what a bitch I was. Everyone. His family, our friends. He’d go out every weekend without me. Stopped saying he loved me. If I got too close he’d end the relationship, but then say ‘he wasn’t sure, there was hope’ etc.

Then one day he said that he never seemed to be that bothered about staying with women. He’d had a lot of girlfriends before me, and he said that he seemed to get bored easily. Got really into them, and then shut off. He seemed almost proud that he could be ruthless and seemed to think this was because he had a higher intellect, and also ‘didn’t ever know what he wanted’. He said that with a smile.

The fact that your DH bullied someone so remorselessly is a huge red flag. Huge. He doesn’t care about you either. You will end up being bullied like this as he will go for the kill if you let him. The boy at school would have been an easy victim for him too.

You can get him to try and make amends. Ask him to go to counseling. But he is not offering to do this is he? He is doing nothing to change, nothing to try and alter his behaviour, nothing to apologize for the poor boy he bullied. Bullying is abuse with a capital A.

The fact that you ask if you are being unreasonable suggests that he's worn you down, OP.
You're not a loser but you'll be a winner when you leave.
Best wishes

There is also EUPD where the person feel emptiness inside and incapable of love. Incapable of love is different from empathy.

Given his behaviour towards OP when she was hospitalised and the fact that he severely bullied someone when he was 15 or 16 years he clearly doesn't feel much empathy.

Therapy can help people with personality disorders. Please don’t consign human beings to a rubbish heap or to a state of hopelessness.

I think (at least hope) you're right and everyone is capable of change with the right professional help.

But (and I don't think you're suggesting this ) it's not the OP's responsibility to either change her husband or stick around until he seeks help. He's a bully and she's his victim.

be careful not to get too sucked in to the story about his having been bullied.

Not saying it was convenient or that I don't believe it, but it's a huge distraction from the first part of what he said. ie, that he's not sure that he is capable of loving you.

You're nice and you're kind so he wanted you AROUND. But what use are you to him when you're ill?

He served up that really brutal truth and then distracted you from it by pulling on your empathy with a story about being bullied.

How is that relevant to how much a person loves their spouse?
Lots of people on here had a shit time at school but they love their spouse!

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@hammie46i
If he has narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder (those are the two personality disorders that involve lack of empathy)

There is also EUPD where the person feel emptiness inside and incapable of love. Incapable of love is different from empathy. But, yes, I would not stay with someone who has a personality disorder and is not aware of it or not seeking/doing treatment.[/quote]
I don’t think treatment works with this kind of stuff.

My fil was ordered to go therapy for anger. I know he is a sociopath and has narc tendencies. His therapist was retiring and said to fil that if he should ever need to talk to some one to call his private number. Fil took from that that the therapist loved him as a son and wanted to remain in contact

I took from it that the therapist knew fil could possibly be a psychopath and wanted to try and prevent him from seriously hurting some one.

OP your dh gave you a sneak peek at what’s going on inside his head. If you choose to stay and ignore it you will regret it

@WinnieLowCo he confessed to being the bully

He wasn’t bullied

First of all I think you need to tell someone who can support you. If you keep this to yourself it will be much easier to rationalise it away and carry on as you have been.

It definitely sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder, which he has happily accepted. Him telling you all of these things in such a calm manner suggests it's not going to get any better.

Cut your losses and leave. You'll never be happy with him.

YABU to stay with this man! He will not get better and, if you want and have children with him, your life will be miserable.

Get out while you can.

I wonder if he’s used self help books? They are usually terrible and very often based on the false cure of “fake it until you make it”
From “feel the fear but do it anyway” for anxiety to “fake being happy and you will become happy” for depression to “fake love and it will grow over time” for emptiness/numbness of emotion.

So, yes it’s a mask, but it’s a mask created by effort to pass or appear normal. Like he really wants to be normal and have a normal life and thought if he just got the pieces....loving wife, nice job, nice home he’d make a normal life. It’s really quite sad.

But even so, OP, short term it is probably best to leave him because he is taking out his sense of failing at normal life on you. You don’t want to be come a verbal or literal punching bag. I’d leave soon and with advice to him to seek help because the whole fake it until you make it self help approach never works for people with serious issues, only for those who simply lack motivation.

It sounds as if you’ve ignored the red flags when you’ve married him. I think if someone has not had a lot of relationships then they have no benchmark, so it probably happens quite a lot with younger women.
He sounds like a dangerous man saying it’s an effort to be nice etc.
I would honestly leave as soon as you can and don’t disclose where you’re going. I know you’re saying it’s safe to leave, but from a risk assessment point of view, his behaviour is very worrying.
You’ve not mentioned kids, which should make it easier for you to go.
Good luck and stay safe 💐

I know it’s easier for a stranger to say it on the internet than do it but please leave him. You sound like such a lovely lady and he sounds utterly horrible. Take care xx

don’t think treatment works with this kind of stuff.
Then why do we even have psychiatrists and psychologists? It works for people who genuinely want to change. Perhaps your FIL didn’t want to change?

OP should leave, but it’s best to leave him with some sense of hope there is a way forward to work on himself.

Just to explain, I think with this personality type (while I have no professional experience), there is a risk he would be incensed at someone having the temerity to leave and might feel slighted. This might cause him to get aggressive unpredictably.

Have you told your own family what is going on?

His behaviour is his responsibility. Even if he has a personality disorder that doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour. I'm guessing that before lockdown, he had some poor hapless colleague at work to meet his "need" for someone to bully. You have no reason to feel shame about having looked at the best of him. I don't think this is going to end well if you stay. The divorce is probably going to be nasty, but not as nasty now as it would be later. You will find happiness later on, but get him out of your life first. He may well have decided that it's time to move on to another victim anyway.

@Bereft89

Thank you so much for your comments and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I did finally managed to get some sleep. I slept on the sofa.

I'm dreading him getting up because I just don't know what to say or even how to look him in the eye.

I honestly think leaving is going to be the best option. He could go for therapy, yes. Would it make him feel love? Would he stop hating me for being kind? I don't want to be in a theatre production for the rest of my life where every "Nice moment" is pretend.

Now that I have had chance to wrack my brains, I think he's so much more pleasant to me when we are with other people, in fact he's like a changed man. People are going to say to me "You just have noticed" Yeah maybe you do notice some things but I'm a person who likes to see the good and I try not to judge so things that were easily explained to me - why would I think anymore about it. At the beginning he only rarely exhibited possibly questionable behaviour. It's like it was ramped up so slowly I didn't see it clearly.

If he were to go into therapy and stay there (both of which are doubtful), it would take a very long time to deal with this. Years.

Better still: leave, and put yourself into therapy so that you can deal with this. You obviously have a lot of insight and compassion, which he is feeding off, btw - hence being able to sleep like a baby having offloaded something horrendous on to you, who now is carrying it for him. Hand it back to him, get yourself gone, and deal with the one person you can deal with.

He’s an uncaring bully. Deep down he knows he’s not a nice person, and so resents you for being loving and kind. I imagine he’s quite an angry person not just emotionally cold.

I don’t think you have any future with him. Think of yourself. It’s your life - don’t waste it on him. It doesn’t sound like he loves you, or feels any remorse for his behaviour. He’s emotionally detached and a bully.

You are not a loser. He wore a mask and hid his true self. You’re a good person and judged him by your own standards, assuming he was who he pretended to be. You’re far from the first to be fooled like this.

Keep calm, keep as objective as possible, and plan how to get out of your marriage with the least upset to yourself. You don’t have to stay with someone like this.

He’s a psychopath OP. I went out with one of these who put on a show for the first 6 months and then revealed his truth to me when under the influence. They aren’t capable of love, id leave if that is important to you.

Sociopathic....divorce the prick

He's dropped this bombshell on you and is now waiting to see if you'll stay for more helpings of what I'm sure will become increasingly heartless behaviour, just because he wants to find out where your breakpoint is. If you stay, he will eviscerate you and leave you a husk of a your former self.

If he starts talking counselling/therapy, let him get on with it on his own. I fear he would use this to persuade you to stay and support him through the process. And he may not even go but tell you otherwise. Just to see how much he can get away with.

I was in a relationship like this for 5 years. It was like a huge emotional rollercoaster. It was also very traumatising and took me a long time to recover from it. Seriously, he is not going to change. You will end up very miserable. You need to end this now.

He sounds like a sadistic bully. At least you’ve found out now and not in another six years. You can take action. So this is an opportunity.

Just want to comment on this
there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious.

What is a ‘red flag’ if it’s not obvious? Possible or otherwise. I guess you’ve learned you can trust your instincts in future. Another positive.

Also forget what others might say about him! No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and their opinions on the subject are immaterial.