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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
Nickersnackersnockers · 02/08/2020 20:08

I'm maybe a bit off topic, but I would bet my life savings that hubby had some kind of childhood trauma. Likely a parent? He was damaged and he has never seeked counselling to repair it.

It's not too late, but he needs to acknowledge and want to get help, and you would have to support him.

AdoptedAWholeLoadOfShit · 02/08/2020 20:09

Argggggg typos above! Flippin phone being clever

Kaiserin · 02/08/2020 20:12

I'm sorry you seen to have married a narcissistic sociopath. There's very little hope he will ever change. Look after yourself, because he won't.

MRSsqueak · 02/08/2020 20:12

pretty much the same thing happened to my mum. they split but had to live together for ages and he was horrible to her. he even told my mum she was only taking her clothes with her so she wouldnt need a van Grin me and my sister went on moving day loaded the fridge washing machine the telly the livingroom furniture...
everything decent... which my mum had paid for so what did he expect? he ended their marriage and he wanted her out of the house. my mum has now met someone new who actually takes her out brings her to see her grandchildren regularly and my mum is on good terms with him now but she is far happier without him fully in her life.... they share custody of the dog Grin

Moomin12345 · 02/08/2020 20:13

Potentially a sociopath (which, BTW, isn't treatable and you can't ever change it with your love and devotions). I'd leave and never look back. If he's not a sociopath, he still sounds like a callous manipulative piece of work.

Sikantiskatinas · 02/08/2020 20:17

I’d say he has lack of empathy- which is not good . Sometimes you are born like become oblivious because of some sort of trauma as a child. Either way it’s not good to be treating people that way. He can go through therapy , if he wants to save his relationship. He probably loves you in his own way, but it doesn’t mean you should be accepting less that you are worth. He obviously lacks social skills, which could be a sign of some sort of behavioural issue. You should be straight and lay it all down for him, saying that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he doesn’t want address an issue, you’re not sure how long you will be able to tolerate it.

LinnieMaple · 02/08/2020 20:19

I feel for you OP. I recognise many of the red flags you’ve identified with my last relationship. Ultimately, I left him after 15 years together because I was just existing and the thought of spending the rest of my life like that was too depressing/upsetting.
The BIG flag here is that he was a bully in his early years. He’s kind of bullying you now. For whatever reason, he has this character flaw. He needs to address it and I’m sure there are many other issues too - probably through therapy but he doesn’t sound like the sort of man to be willing to face his demons.
You will work out what’s right for you my only guidance would be to think selfishly about what you want in the short, medium and long term. Please find a way to protect yourself emotionally, mentally and maybe even physically.

Notenoughchocolateomg · 02/08/2020 20:19

I was with what I call a conman as he pretended to he someone/act a certain way than he actually is. Very emotionally abusive, cunning devious etc. I got sick one christmas and he showed no concern whatsoever. I ended it. Best thing I ever did. I deserve more than shit men like that. Just like you do OPFlowers

Insanelysilver · 02/08/2020 20:20

I can imagine this all feels very upsetting and scary feeling as though you don’t really know the real him Regarding the boy he bullied. How does he feel about it now? Does he feel any guilt, regret , empathy for what he put this child through?
I wonder if he has actually felt love for anyone ever, his mum dad siblings??

Original poster
Bereft89 · 02/08/2020 20:23

@AdoptedAWholeLoadOfShit - He's actively told me he can't feel. He wasn't bullied, he bullied someone else. I have supported him for years. He's not willing to get support.

He's noticed my change in mood. He's started this afternoon reading from the "I'm sorry if you're hurt" etc. He's also pointed out things in me he thinks are flaws! Oh and then he "accidentally" dropped a knife on my foot!! Luckily it was blunt but it was heavy and has left a bruise.

OP posts:
Plumbuddle · 02/08/2020 20:23

I’ve read all your posts op but not the rest of the comments after page one. I’m sorry if someone has already said this. If you are going to stay elsewhere, please note that with a character like your husband’s you need to know that he may behave unpredictably when told or even become menacing. You should try your best not to let him know your plans but leave whilst he is out of the house and pack everything important to you but particularly passport, marriage certificate, and all personal papers. Change all your passwords on all significant accounts. If you have time make a quick inventory of the goods in the home for later when dealing with divorce.
All the best with this, women too often analyse the man and get stuck in a cycle of finding him hard to understand rather than getting out quickly and leaving the problem as his responsibility.

Realitea · 02/08/2020 20:24

He seems pretty creepy

ContessaferJones · 02/08/2020 20:25

I'm sorry OP.

Be prepared for him to tell you you're overreacting, being unnecessarily dramatic, making his life difficult because you intend to leave him etc. There won't be genuine remorse except for things like mortgage payments.

ContessaferJones · 02/08/2020 20:26

He 'accidentally' dropped a knife on your foot?! Shock when are you going to your mum's?!

YogiBearcub · 02/08/2020 20:26

You don't mention having any children with this lunatic despite being on mumsnet. If you haven't, get away ASAP. IMAGINE if you were to have a kid with this guy when he cannot even look after you when you have a flu! Good for nothing this fella, cut your losses and run while you can!

Bettyboo1957 · 02/08/2020 20:26

Get out! He must have known you look after loved ones if they are poorly.... hes drawing you into a wonky world..its not good is it

Palma1 · 02/08/2020 20:27

So sad for you but cut your losses and get out. He won't change and sounds scary. Good luck x

KatySun · 02/08/2020 20:28

I hope you can get to your mum safely and sort everything out from there. Make sure there is no way he can read this thread.

You are only 31 - you will get your vibrancy back in time. You will be able to get counselling and recover. But right now, your focus should be on getting out safely as soon as you can and then not ever going back. You cannot fix this.

Loverofoldfilms · 02/08/2020 20:33

@ContessaferJones

He 'accidentally' dropped a knife on your foot?! Shock when are you going to your mum's?!
Yes, out there quickly. If you can't, then hide your emotions so he feels in control again? I actually think you need urgent help to get out of the situation.
Esthermoo01 · 02/08/2020 20:35

It does sound like your husband feels ready to talk about and share some difficult things he's been holding on to. If you are able to I would suggest you try not to freak out and sensitivity approach the matter of counselling. He could probably do with it himself but if he isn't comfortable going alone then maybe suggest couples counseling. If he is unwilling to do anything to help your relationship and the situation which you are clearly unhappy about, then I would consider leaving. Be careful with your next steps. Hope it works out for your both, marriage isn't easy for anyone xxx

Alicatz66 · 02/08/2020 20:38

You need to leave ... do not listen to the posters saying he needs help ... perhaps he does .. perhaps he will get on further down the line ...you need to look after yourself and get the hell out

Mumjlj0716 · 02/08/2020 20:39

he dropped a knife on your foot?? Id say leave him anyway, but that just shows he is a spoilt selfish prick who sees you as a possession that he can abuse as he pleases...

But i also know how hard that is, i am trying to come to terms with a similar situation myself and its so hard... im starting to learn that you need to look out for you when noone else will. Having a husband who freely tells you he doesnt care about you wears you down. Dont let him change your mind! Because he will not change. And you are worth more than that.

Elastins · 02/08/2020 20:40

Leave.

Now.

He is a very dangerous man.

keffie12 · 02/08/2020 20:40

I'm glad I found out about read all OP posts shortcuts before posting. All the advice you have had re womens aid and so on is good. Im glad your going to act on it. I wish you well

Fanthorpe · 02/08/2020 20:42

Couples counselling is not recommended for situations like the OP’s. By all means go separately but not together.

If the OP’s husband is as she’s described then he’s manipulative and lacks empathy, it’s not going to work.