To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

I think he knows he's behaved badly and hates himself because he knows he's not capable of anything better. He has conned you and doesn't love you; you must leave asap

@Bereft89 I'm so sorry you are in this situation and are feeling this way as a result of the conversation. I strongly recommend you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. All the best.

Get out NOW! I stuck at my marriage despite early misgivings and a misplaced sense of duty and loyalty and now, nearing 40 years of it, I am often miserable and always thoroughly unfulfilled, making me wish I'd got out. Now I'm too old and to be honest we are both dependent upon one another in different ways.

Omg OP, get out and rebuild your life. It may seem so very hard now, but in time you will realise it’s the best thing you’ve ever done, and will breath a massive sigh of relief.

He is not normal and does sound like he has sociopathic/ psychopathic tendencies; the inability to care, empathize etc.

This man will never, ever change. He will never be able to love you in the way you want (the way normal people do and expect) and deserve. You will never be able to rely on him like your rock, knowing that whatever happens he will be there for you, no matter what. And this is because he physiologically does now have the ability to be like that.

You are no doubt experiencing terrible pain, heartache, disappointment, possibly fear for the future ( the thought being single again etc), but my god staying with him will only lead to continual pain and heartache as HE WILL NOT CHANGE (he can’t, even if he wanted to) and before you know it, 10-20 years would have passed, you’d still be so unhappy but now you’d be much older and have thrown away your chances of meeting someone new and starting afresh.

Please look after and believe in yourself. X

I remember the day my exH casually mentioned to me that he strangled a whole litter of kittens when he was a kid. I had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with at the time that I married him. It takes time for the mask to slip. He was, and remains, a highly dangerous man.

So sorry it sounds like a very horrible rude awakening. When I read how he frankly admitted to making a kids life hell, and all the other horrid things he said, I thought that was him actually bullying you and enjoying shocking you, especially when he went off to bed without a qualm. It does sound like he's made these revelations to start on Phase 2.
Even without that saying nasty things to you day in day out and making you feel like s**t is no
You are only 31, believe me that is so young and you don't deserve to live like this, certainly not to waste any more time on someone who doesn't value you.
Its really good that you seem to have very supportive relatives and are going to get advice. Wishing you all the best.

I have an ex like this. Read up about sociopaths - you may find many of the characteristics familiar. If he truly tries to understand himself and change his behaviour to accommodate your needs, there might be a chance for your marriage but, in my experience, I don’t think he will be able to give you the relationship you need, want and deserve. Good luck. 💕

One of my favourite moments during the day is reading the Mumsnet highlights. Most of them are horrifying and amusing at the same time. Your story however, has really upset me. I’m upset for you. I just can’t imagine what you are going through right now. It’s hideous and it’s so unfair. I’m so sorry OP. I hope you get out of this marriage ASAP. Please be careful - he sounds like he could be dangerous with his lack of empathy. Gather your things quietly and get your support system around you if you need to return home to collect anything. I wouldn’t be around him alone once he knows you’re leaving. Sending lots of strength to you. The right one is out there for you.

Wishing you all the very best for a new start.

Op I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you sound so lovely. Please get away and stay with your parents for a few day’s and then think seriously about leaving him. You are still so young and deserve someone who loves you.

Please be careful with your situation. My dad was apparently charming when he met my mum but as soon as they were married he was constantly verbally abusive. This carried on after my siblings and I were born and has affected our whole lives (we are all now Middle Aged adults). My mum is now in her 80’s and he is also. She is miserable he has got worse as he gets older and she still blames herself whenever he goes off on one.
Myself and my siblings have tried to get her to leave over the years but she has stayed because she says that’s what her generation do.

Men like that never change and nothing excuses their behaviour.

Bless you, you poor thing. It really is horrid. I could’ve written a very similar post two months ago. I had a wake up moment with my husband when discussing our son and he wasn’t listening and it was a very serious conversation. I just suddenly realised he didn’t care and wasn’t interested so I told him if he didn’t care then to pack and go stay with his mum and he just said ok. Then the next day he packed his stuff and left. I was expecting a protest of “don’t be like that you know I love you all really I’m just tired/stressed/insert various reason/excuse here” but no he just went and has hardly said a thing to any of us since. I’m also 31 and for years ignored the temper tantrums and not so nice things he said because I thought he loved me really. And then it feels like the world has just tilted and left you stunned.

BUT you will be better off. Leave. Focus on yourself and making yourself happy and doing the things you want with your life and enjoy hogging the whole bed. There will come a time when you feel ready to trust someone else but for now focus on loving yourself and finding some happiness so that you’re in a better place when that someone comes along who is better for you.

YANBU.

You loved him, you gave him a chance and he has abused your kindness. OK, he has acknowledged this and he's also acknowledged previous form but here is where you need to be careful: by revealing and acknowledging his behaviour with you he is now officially saying "this is who I really am, warts and all and if you stay beyond this point you take full responsibility for staying when you know I'm an asshole and you know I have no intention of treating you better going forward."

So the question is now this: do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

He's not going to change. He knows what he is and so do you. Make your choice.

If I were your friend and you were telling me this I'd be outside with my engine running waiting to load up your suitcases. Honestly. Remove precious small things so they're not noticed then once he's out get a mate to help you clear out. Imagine if you ended up starting a family! He doesn't sound stable to me and you know he doesn't love you so you're really throwing precious years of life away on him. Start afresh and be happy with somebody else eventually. Sending big hugs and wishing you well x

My ex- husband just assumed I would step in and take the place of his mother. We were comparatively young (24). I should have left ages before I did. He was married to his job and I almost had to beg for attention.

When I went to hospital to have our baby he actually said he was looking forward to seeing me in pain! Just leave this relationship and don't bring children into it - I'm assuming you don't have any. If it isn't great now then children will make the situation worse because of the additional pressures it brings. I am really sorry I didn't walk away - but of course you feel as if you have failed - so that's why you stay. If I could go back to that time I would definitely leave - however hard and upsetting and complicated it is. I would offer the same advice to anyway in a relationship with someone lovely - but it just isn't the right relationship for them.

As far as being unreasonable - you don't even need to ask the question!

This situation is inbred in him and he will never change. Life is too short not to find someone you can love who will also love you to bits whatever happens to you. Best of luck. You can do it but get ready for the tears and apologies.

I was in a relationship with someone who stonewalled me when I was really ill with flu aswell. I’ll never forget it as it was such a weird behaviour I couldn’t get my head around. He had many underlying issues and I never found out why he was like that but I believe there is always some sort of event that has happened in their past to make them so emotionally detached. Psychopathic almost.
I was so happy when I left that relationship and you will be too. You deserve someone who actually loves you and cares for you.

My OH is on the autism spectrum. He only got diagnosed a few years ago and a lot of what you have said reminds me of him. Every day is hard work and tiring, but we are slowly making progress with a community mental health team. I was also brought up by a narcissist and have a psychopath brother so am very good at reading behaviours. My advice is, unless you can cope with his mood swings and harsh words for the rest of your days, walk away now. I only stay because compared to my own family, my OH is an angel!

I am sure you are traumatised. When the time is right it would be. Worth seeking counselling. You need to grieve the loss of the life you thought you had.

At least you know and hopefully in time you will be able to move on and have the life of love that you deserve.

Good luck. X

I don't normally comment, but yes, @Bereft89, you need to go. It will only get worse.

I feel very sorry for you. I’ve also been taken in by someone like this. We’ve now been together 24 years and I’ve come to discover he’s most likely got a personality disorder, and is a covert narcissist. My life is made a living hell most of the time, he can be the nastiest person but also the nicest, sweetest person ever. It’s exhausting! I have several reasons why I can’t just up and leave unfortunately. Maybe one day I’ll get some peace. Anyway, look up traits of a covert narcissist, read up on it as knowledge is power x

I totally know where you are coming from OP. Nothing excuses verbal abuse. I have learnt a lot recently about what it is like to be married to a narcissist. It maybe worth you reading about that as well?
In the mean time you both have some serious choices to make. For my own part, I also suffered so much verbal abuse from my husband it utterly destroyed my confidence. I am still slowly trying to build it again and figure out the truth since I divorced him.
If your husband wants the marriage to work he needs to prove it to you to the point you are willing to believe him. That means attending personal and/or couples therapy.
My ex wasn't willing to do that, and if you go to counselling on your own reg your marriage you are essentially flogging a dead horse. I hung onto my marriage by the skin of my teeth sometimes because I didn't want it to fail. But eventually I figured divorce was the right decision to make. I know I can look back on my marriage and know I did everything in my power to save it, so there are no doubts in my mind that I didn't fight for a happy marriage, but marriage means the committment of both spouses and if one isn't willing to try the other shouldn't suffer for it.
Wishing you all the best.

Anti social personality disorder. Please please call it a day. He won’t change this behaviour its in his makeup. I never ever give a comment on here and this is my first but your post was too important not to. Please leave. His behaviour, his excuses are the only red flags you need - trust me on this, been there, lost friends, lost family and very nearly lost me.

Op my ex husband was similar. They know what to say and how to behave to draw you in. Don't blame yourself! He has shown his true colours now.

I don’t think you should call quits on your marriage. I think he does love you but his experiences has meant he hasn’t been able to move past the bullying. He needs support and the first port of call is your GP but go prepared for being clear in what you need.

I didn’t know what we needed for our son who’s development was arrested after a trauma. He’s making fantastic progress since we pushed for psychotherapy after I read about a similar case.

You married him “for better or for worse” and now you know the worse you can work towards the better.

Stay strong. xx