To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

This isn't your fault, you believed him to be one way, he was another, you know they say love is blind wasn't joking...

But you now have everything you need to get out...you cannot stay with this person, he's telling you quite bluntly that theres something wrong with him by explaining how cold he is, he knows he has a problem and maybe this is the kindest thing he's ever done, letting you know that he's not who you thought he was...he doesn't love you, it sounds like he's extremely damaged and needs help, something you cannot do anything about, thats up to him. But if you stay, THEN you will the daft one, seeing as he has told you everything you need to know.

My Mum went out with someone just like this, although he wasn't honest about it. He simply hated the fact she was good and kind and gentle, and in fact, if she was nice, it made him nastier! He ended up breaking her nose when she finally twigged that he was using her to try to look like he was living normally.

Don't waste time blaming yourself, but you do owe yourself happiness and someone who will be there for you through everything who makes you feel loved and happy...Don't be scared, you can do this. x

I am concerned for your safety. Also if you start talking with him about leaving him. Don't do that yet. Have you got anyone close you can trust to talk too that this can remain private ? Again, I am concerned there maybe repercussions from your husband if he knows you are talking about him and also thinking about how to leave him. There will be a woman's aid centre national and probably local . Get some advice re safety and money . Both of you have access to your joint funds? He may start withdrawing money if he thinks the marriage is over . Get support and advice from a women's. aid centre . Talk to a family member or friend . Make sure any conversations you have are away from the house . Out a pin number on your mobile phone so messages cannot be accessed. If you can't do a new pin tell everyone ( women's aid and trustworthy friend NO Messages. Speak with them at agreed times when you are out on a walk. Take care . You can do this but you need support . X

Get out of the marriage anyway. Don't hang about

I fell for similar for 24 years. I was blinded to it because she guilted me into believing her lies, deceit, lack of empathy and cheating were all my fault. Its a basic narcassistic behaviour. She left me and the kids and is now shacked up with some poor soul following the same path.
Just remdmber its not you its him with the issues.
Good luck

I hate to say this, but he sounds like a narcissist. He has made out to you to be someone he wasn't. Married you and now the show is over. He seems to be subtley abusing you and wearing you down. Not good.
Get out while you can. Narcissists do not change. Ever. And they only get worse over time.

Oh You just described my husband and I can say gets worst. He also used to say sorry and promised to changed before and after a while he stop, now he even don’t says that anymore, for the past he started saying that he would move out the follow week. We have 2 kids and got worst after the second child was born. He also once admitted to be a bully in school, that explained a lot because what he was doing was bullying me all this time. But then once I told him just because you was a bully in school doesn’t mean you can bully me! He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said : didn’t you said that you used to bully people at school? He the gaslight me. The abuse just will get worst. Run as fast as you can. You are young and didn’t have children with him. You are lucky to see this now.

I am so sorry OP that you are going through this. You must feel terrible perhaps you now have an explanation for his behaviour. However, I find it really hard when people make immediate judgements. It is good to hear people's opinions but is your life. Please do not be too swayed. I feel people immediately go off the deep end which could be harmful to you working through this in your own head. It sounds like you started a journey about your thoughts and feelings towards your husband and this is the next step. Take some time to work out how you feel yourself.

Please, please, please leave. He has huge problems that are not your responsibility. Please be aware that people generally become more of what they are as they get older, this will not be nice...
Just imagine a comfortable relationship - kindness, help, work together - with the occasional row but NOT meaness every day as a norm. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM

Complete sociopath. He is gas lighting you. Even his big confession was designed to throw you off balance and distract you from what you were confronting him about. Pack your bags and leave ASAP. It will never be real. He will never love you.

I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened. Any abuse of any kind is just unacceptable and it is important that you ensure that you protect wellbeing. My advice to you would be to try to get some marriage counselling if you believe that your marriage is worth saving because no matter what anyone says, you will probably stay with him if you really love him. Do you really think that he loves you deep down and has some unresolved issues in his past that maybe affecting your relationship? Only you will know how you have felt and are feeling. Put yourselves first and do what is best for you. I wish you the best. x

@Bereft89 you say you feel traumatised - that's because you are. What's happened to you is absolutely awful. Yes, it will take time to get over and you will probably need some help to do so. Don't feel like you should ever minimise what's happened to you and what he did.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Are you familiar with the terms ‘coercive control’ and ‘gaslighting’? He won’t change, it will just get worse. Been there, managed to walk away. Good luck OP.

I'm so glad you are leaving OP. This isn't your problem to fix, and it may not be fixable anyway.
Therapy might help him, or it might give him a tool to perform empathy better, and to manipulate you with. There is no happy ending with him.

All I can say is I sympathise. I have had two husbands very much the same. Instead of learning from my first mistake, I made an even bigger one second time around, I certainly got conned and it looks like you at have been too. You sound far too nice to be stuck with a man like him. Think very carefully about your situation, especially if you are considering having children with him. You deserve better.

Get your stuff in order - get your cash out, move out ASAP. You sound a very nice balanced person, but you are living with someone with the emotional range of a gnat. Maybe they can get help and turn things around, maybe they can't. However, if their behaviour is repeatedly obnoxious after telling them the effect it's having on you, then you are not the solution to their problem. Move, get safe and secure.......take it from there.

start planning and saving to get out and get a new life, before this one gets worse.

I am so sorry to hear this, and will probably echo what a lot of others say.

First off, well done for reaching out. It’s no doubt hard to acknowledge and feelings of shame or guilt may try to stop you. However, whatever anyone else says, sometimes people play a part very well before they reveal themselves.

Can you get somewhere safe? Ideally tonight or ASAP. I don’t say this to alarm you, but rather you might feel better to not be in the same house. He may or may not be a psychopath or a narcissist, and I wouldn’t want to offer a diagnosis. Focus on how YOU feel - trust your intuition. Tell a friend or family member you really trust

Good luck and very best to you

Leave now, before there’s more than just you for him to resent & punish.

Thank you all again for your support. I'm going to call women's aid, my GP and a solicitor tomorrow. My dad is actually in the police force so I imagine might be able to offer me some help. If H had suggested he get help I MIGHT have considered riding it out for a bit longer. He hasn't. He hasn't even alluded to the idea of getting help. He's taken his mask off and tossed it in the bin.

@Bereft89
I’m so very sorry. I’ve been right where you are, and it doesn’t get better - it gets worse,
Although I don’t know you, I think you should leave. The longer you stay, the worse your self-esteem is going to get and the harder it will be for you to recover.
But you will recover! Remember the three T’s: Things Take Time - and the sooner you get away from the situation and concentrate on yourself and your life and your friends and whatever else you choose to pursue the better off you’ll be. I learned the hard way.
My heart is with you and I hope whatever you decide to do, you’ll be happy and fulfilled and content.
You deserve no less - don’t ever forget that.

Don’t feel like a loser your not alone there are part and stages they make you feel crap only come back if you do this this and this as it all your fault took me a long time twice to realise wasn’t me it was them and it’s not you once you realise that get the hell out he’s not worth your tears huge hugs xx

I’m afraid to say that he is most likely a sociopath. He will not (and cannot) change. So many of the traits you describe are met to sociopathic behaviour: ability to be charming; incapable of empathy; blaming you or your traits for his behaviour....

From personal experience, I would say leave now.

Cross posted. I’m so happy to hear that @Bereft89. I bet just making those decisions have lifted you up. You hang in there. Much love.

@vikingwife.. No he bullied someone not the other way round

Thank you for thinking of the bullied child, OP. It does make a difference to at least one person who was bullied at school for you to have said that, and please know that someone else's victim is holding you in her heart at the moment. You are plainly a lovely person and will in time attract someone equally lovely who wants to share you life.