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Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
oldbagface · 01/08/2020 22:25

@Bereft89 I missed what that nasty poster said to you. BUT, you are bound to feel ground down by it all. I gather you're 31. That's no age. You have love to give and plenty of time to find someone who will be more than happy to give it back.

Go to your parents house and pick away until you are completely free.

I could literally weep for you. I was in a situation many moons ago and had no one to turn to.

I hope you come back and update. Ignore the idiotic poster. Concentrate on the very sage advice you have been given by the vast majority Flowers

MyNameIsArthur · 01/08/2020 23:10

Hi OP forget the childish and idiotic comment of one poster.

Remember that everyone on here is routing for you and we are here to help and support you all the way so don't feel you are on your own.

Abusive people like your husband gradually make you feel worthless. After 6 years this is how he has made you feel. But this is not you. If you get away from him, you will get your old self back again. Of course, people like him will make you distrust all men, but not all men are like him. There are many kind, caring and decent guys out there. However, at the moment, just focus on leaving this horrible man. I hope you are able to gather up paperwork and documents such as birth certificate, passport, house docs, details of all his/your/joint savings, assets, income, debts. When you pack your bags, put all this in there too. Don't tell him what you're doing. Once you've done all this, just leave and don't ever look back Flowers x

dreamboatquickfuck · 01/08/2020 23:17

He sounds really frightening, I wouldn't let him or yourself minimise this or move on sadly, this is an occasion when he has shown you exactly who he is. The lack of empathy or care for you when you were hospitalised is shocking. So sorry you have had such a shock, don't stay around for another one.

billy1966 · 01/08/2020 23:23

OP, you looked in the mirror..you saw who you have come...who cares about labels...he is who he is.

Run, and run faster againg.

31 is nothing Flowers

IceCreamSummer20 · 02/08/2020 00:10

When he's "fucked up" anytime before I'd get apologies and excuses. I don't even get that anymore. It was at this point with my Ex that I realized it was abusive - or whatever word you want to give it - it had gone too far. My Ex screamed at me, followed me from room to room, threw horrible lies about my character to me, said he didn’t love me or even like me, was right in my face, full of absolute rage.

Then, unlike all the times before, he never apologized. This time he hung on to the ‘reason’. This was when I went to a DV counselor and for me I arranged for him to leave the house, but you probably will have to leave.

When they don’t apologize? For me this meant something quite big. I had become so disposable, so nothing, to my Ex, that he couldn’t even be bothered to give me that. I wasn’t even worth that any more. It’s dangerous. It means he has gone beyond. And he’s told you what he’s capable of. He is communicating with you. It means LEAVE. Safely.

Catmaiden · 02/08/2020 00:37

Christ, I only lived with mine for 2 years from marriage, took another two years to divorce after I left him.

Be very careful about not telling him you are leaving him! My ExH was just like yours, "only" emotionally and verbally abusive, until the day when I told him I was leaving and had packed up to go the same day, when he then beat me and raped me.

sardiniaaa · 02/08/2020 01:12

Listen love I would give anything to be 31 again! Everything is relative, and knowing your worth, At any age, is priceless.

I'm 36 and just rediscovered myself, let yourself fly!!!!

sardiniaaa · 02/08/2020 01:17

@Bereft89 I hope I wasn't too flippant with my message, I realise you must absolutely feel adrift, and I only hope you find something or someone to tether yourself to. Never put yourself down, you deserve all the plaudits!

Delbelleber · 02/08/2020 01:28

Sounds attention seeking and making excuses for being a dick. He'd be upset if you left him I'm sure about that.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 02/08/2020 01:49

I'm sorry for all of the lovely ladies that have been through terrible things Flowers

I know that I can come back from this, I do.
It's just going to take time. I'm still in shock. I'm tired. Disappointed. Worried. Lonely.

When we had our "chat" /confessional last night I said to him when I was talking about his insensitive behaviour that it was disrespectful when I was trying to watch TV for him to sit watch YouTube videos on his phone with the volume turned up loud. He had brand new headphones that I'd bought him to use. Guess what he did tonight! The exact same thing!

I was trying to watch my favourite episode of Sex and the City. Carrie was telling Alek that she wanted a great love. I looked over a my husband and thought - you are not my great love. You can't even turn the volume down for me.

When the programme ended I went and sat upstairs. I cried a little. I got out my papers and put them all together.

This might sound weird or deluded but there was a small part of me that hoped he'd say to me during today that he was sorry. I wanted him to say that he'd try and that he really loved me, he didn't mean what he said last night.

I feel really small. I feel cheap and dirty. I think about all the times we've had sex and I want to have an internal shower because it was all a load of bullshit.

It sounds really dramatic but all of a sudden I feel almost traumatised. I also really want to find that poor kid he bullied and give him a cuddle.

OP posts:
hammie46i · 02/08/2020 02:34

I'm not surprised you feel traumatised OP. When your husband reveals that he is not who you think - in fact, he is someone else who is not a nice person, that is traumatic. I think what you are feeling is natural.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2020 03:32

Also not surprised you feel that way but really, there is no need for you to do so.

You had a belief in him that was misplaced BECAUSE he made it so - he hid his true self from you. This is part and parcel of the game plan of the abusive. Now he has told you what he really is and he is expecting you to just accept it. This means that he believes you are sufficiently enmeshed to take it and carry on.

I agree that NOT telling him you are leaving is definitely the best option, and taking everything you could not bear to lose with you is a must.

And yes, do not meet with him on your own ever again once he realises that he has "lost" you.

The only other reason I can think of that he has told you this is that he has another fish on the hook and is willing to let you go so he can reel another poor woman in - I was incredibly lucky that this happened to me, and so I was "set free" (although mine never admitted to any wrongdoing, ever - he just left).

Instead of feeling bad about the past, look forward to the future - a brighter future, with you free to find someone who is worthy of your love and care, someone who will return them, so that you can have a happy life together. They are out there!

makingmammaries · 02/08/2020 08:13

He is extremely bad news. I have been involved with two similar men. When you see him at his worst, that is the part you need to extrapolate from. Sorry for the loss of your dream, OP. You can get out and remake your life quite quickly, and I hope you do.

Prepare for him to resist attempts at divorce, empty the joint account (you can take preventive action), and play the victim to your friends and family. Stand firm. A divorce will be granted and he will drift away at that point.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/08/2020 13:42

I'm so sorry OP but in your shoes I think I would be rather scared about living with someone with that sort of emotional profile, and would leave very quickly as soon as I had a safe opportunity.

Empathy regulates humans from selfish behaviour and I would worry that something would trigger him to do something far more serious than the verbal meanness you describe, if it served his purpose.

Stay safe OP.

Standingstone77 · 02/08/2020 17:24

My ex is like this. Narcissistic personality disorder. Very classic. Leave. He’s telling the truth. He’s not able to feel true love, and he’ll just end up hurting you more and more.

Sparklykittycat · 02/08/2020 17:27

Wow! Sounds exactly like an ex of mine! He was a Virgo and had every single trait you listed, loved the bachelor ideology and his car but was extremely ocd/perfectionist in everything he put his hand to. Needless to say it was a little overwhelming and we went our separate ways

smilingontheinside · 02/08/2020 17:31

Omg this sounds like my life and its taken me 30+ years to do something about it. He will not change and where everyone else sees a nice, quiet, charming man outside behind closed doors he will erode your self confidence and suck the life out of you. Get out now you cannot be his "punch bag" (verbal or otherwise) for things that happened at school.

lollyxx772 · 02/08/2020 17:34

I have been married 16 years i stuck with it as my first relationship and he was so charming romantic after having are first daughter he went on to be a nasty horrible man he’d time me going shops if I went up road to my brothers or to friend I would have to be in at certain times we had 4 children and I eventually got the courage to leave him I was stalked and threatened for 18 months after leaving till I asked my family to step in a year after met the man I thought was the one 14 years 3 children he took my friends freedom confidence till I finally had him arrested after he became violent again and held a knife to my throat I was distraught at first but I go asleep happy wake happy he’s not allowed in area I live or within 300 meters off me as he’s huge to me and would hurt me if given chance from what you have said I recognise it so well leave him don’t believe I’ll change I am so sorry I love you it’s just words nothing more you stay won’t be long till you are hurt physically or mentally abused to point you don’t leave house or date txt your friends get out now before it’s too late .

pollymere · 02/08/2020 17:34

Go and find someone as nice as you are. He will never appreciate you because he is a jealous bully. I've been there and its only a matter of time before the verbal abuse becomes physical abuse (through sheer frustration rather than violence). My lovely DH has his faults but I know he loves me and takes care of me and you need to find the same.

MollyMinniesMum · 02/08/2020 17:36

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he has problems, Making you think you are going mad is one of the symptoms....... for HIM to deal with, away from you. Get away to safety no one deserves to live like that.

MyWitzEnd · 02/08/2020 17:37

Fuck him off! Life is too short!

SpiralHecate · 02/08/2020 17:39

You need to start planning your exit strategy, and know it might take a while, especially if you're tied to him financially.

Chances are he'll backpedal on what he said to you and say he didn't really mean it, and likely insist you're overreacting into the bargain. But if he didn't mean he wouldn't have said it. Things are likely to get worse as time goes on, because the more we take the more they dish out.

You're not a loser, anyone can be deceived. After all, we can't go through life assuming that people are lying to us, especially when there's no obvious reason they would be.

LimeTwist · 02/08/2020 17:43

Leave and rebuild your life. Take care of yourself

DagenhamRoundhouse · 02/08/2020 17:43

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. If he won't get serious help, get out of this marriage.

MuffinDoing · 02/08/2020 17:47

You poor thing, what a horrible shock. Psycopaths are very clever and hide their true selves very well. Definitely leave (and I rarely say this) Do not under any circumstance stay and have children with this man. onward and upwards to a happier life sweetie x

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