To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

It sounds like sociopathic behaviour, please leave him.

Some people are damaged and not cut out for marriage. He sounds like one of them. They are incapable of loving.

Just get out, at best it will be bearable, is that what you really want for your life?

I think you probably know this marriage is over OP. He's shown himself to be cruel and uncaring and an abusive bully. Not someone you want to grow old with. Time to get out of the marriage now before you waste any more time on this nasty piece of work. Take yourself to your mums house for a few days so you will have some space while you decide your next steps. Virtual consultation with a solicitor? Pack up your essential paperwork / mortgage docs / financials / passport etc and store in a safe place. Make sure you have money tucked away in an account he can't access.

Please leave him while you still have the strength in you and before kids come along

[quote Bereft89]@vikingwife He said that he bullied the kid/teenager as a way of control. Whatever that means. He said he knows he's still mean now. So cool and calm about it. I was just gobsmacked.[/quote]

1. He sounds like a psycopath. At around 1 or 2 in 100 people, they aren't that rare.

1. The bullying story wasnt an excuse, it was a warning. He was deliberately informing you as to his true nature. He'll do this to you.

1. Get a good family solicitor and dig in for a couple of years. It'll be bad, but you'll get through. Can you minimise costs in the short term by living with family? Get hold of all financial papers and key documents (and anything treasured you don't want to lose) and store off site where he can't get them. I would leave when he isn't there, to ensure your physical safety.

Going to your mums is a really good idea OP.

@spoons123

If you stay after hearing all those chilling details, he'll think it's green light to carry on being nasty and it will probably get much worse.

I agree a billion %

Look at High and Low functioning Sociopath.

I went out with one- on our very first date he told me he lied to his past partners.
He confessed to other things too- all while being charming and wonderful.

I do think it's all tied up with control. I think it may give them a buzz to reel you in even though you know a the poor behaviour.

I don't think there is any saving them- they just get better at lying, better at manipulating.

Run. Run far. These people will chew you up, spit you out, and continue to mess you around.

Pack up your essential paperwork / mortgage docs / financials / passport etc and store in a safe place. Make sure you have money tucked away in an account he can't access.

This ^. By safe place, that means not in the house so if you do decide to leave you don't have to go back there if you don't want to. I would add ensuring that you have a fair idea of his financial affairs, ideally on paper/details stored electronically other than in the house, as he really won't want to let you have a penny if he's worth more than you.

He sounds nasty and abusive OP. There is no excuse for anyone saying nasty things to a partner. Saying he hates you for being nice is his way of making out it is your fault in some way. Over time it will escalate. Don't think how could you have missed this. Abusive partners can turn on the charm when they want to and this is how they will be when you first meet and you start dating.

Good news you are going to your mum's. He is likely to put on the charm again if you leave to try and entice you back. Don't be taken in by him.

You have one life OP. It doesn't need to spent with someone who is going to make it miserable

He sounds utterly awful. Is he likely to leave the house at any point for an extended period over the next couple of days..long enough for you to pack up anything you want to take with you and get the hell away from him?

Life is too short - move on and find real happiness

Get out. Thank the heavens you didn't reproduce with this frightening man.

You've done nothing wrong. You're a nice normal person. He's a convincing liar and psychopath who used you.

If you stay with him, you are cutting yourself off from a man who will properly love you and care for you when you're ill.

I know this is not what you wanted or how you pictured this relationship turning out but there a a few huge things to be grateful for. You have been with him for 6 years.....not 16, 26 , 36 years. There are no ifs or buts....you know what you need to do. And most importantly....no children to be worried about and be damaged by the situation.
Time to pull on the big girl pants and go forward with head high.

Thanks everyone You've been so kind.

He's tried to carry on as normal today, which I just find... bizzare given the admission last night, less than 24 hours ago. I'm feeling very, deflated, lost and unloved. I've tried to watch TV today but the things I'd usually watch just make me feel even sadder. I'm not "The one" for him or the love of his life or even someone he adores. I'm an accessory. I have been good for keeping up appearances and sex.

When he's "fucked up" anytime before I'd get apologies and excuses. I don't even get that anymore. That's how little I count for. I know that in his head, he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

I saw myself in the mirror earlier and I looked like shit. I looked tired and older than my 31 years. I used to be so... vibrant and fill of hope. I don't feel like I have hope anymore.

Only 31? Plenty of time to find someone worthy of your love!!!

You do have hope. Hope for a wonderful future with a decent man.

You've just got to get through the pain of extricating yourself from this no hoper. There is no point in hoping for anything more from him.

Really?

For your safety if you do decide to leave do not let your partner know your plan. Women are mostly likely to be killed by their ex's just before or after they leave. I would advise you contact Women's Aid and discuss a safety plan with them and what your options are. Women's Aid will guide you to make a decision and will never force you to do anything but they will help you make an informed decision about the options open to you and see clearly the risks you are facing and how to reduce them.

@HoneyMummy93 WTF???

@HoneyMummy93 Are you on glue?

I saw myself in the mirror earlier and I looked like shit. I looked tired and older than my 31 years. I used to be so... vibrant and fill of hope. I don't feel like I have hope anymore.

This is totally something you will get back. At 31 you are in your prime. It feels rough now, but all you need is a little space and time to find your feet again.

@HoneyMummy93 I'm so glad my life is a source of amusement for you.