To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

Glad you confided in your Mum and yes he 100% put on a front to get get you married I suspect you have been in a boiling frog scenario where it has ramped up so slowly you can't pinpoint when it started being unkind let alone horrid.

Don’t be hard on yourself, most people do want to see the best in people and as you’ve said yourself you’re a romantic. Which is exactly what attracted him to you. He probably appeared decisive and a bit commanding, a romantic hero in many ways.

Despite knowing quite a lot about NPD I failed to recognise someone for a long time, thought I could rescue them, help them.

You’ll know now.

You have to leave, and be careful. He sounds dangerous

He might have told you the bullying story as a threat - get in line or I'll make your life hell. But whatever it was, it doesn't really matter.

Call your DM/DF to come and collect you and pack your stuff. Tell him you need some space. I wouldn't tell him it's over before leaving, keep it low key.

I thought you were going to say you were taken to Pakistan at 16 and forced to marry a cousin!

[quote Bereft89]@vikingwife He said that he bullied the kid/teenager as a way of control. Whatever that means. He said he knows he's still mean now. So cool and calm about it. I was just gobsmacked.[/quote]
If it helps, it sounds like in a round about way he's warning you about what he's really like and telling you to head for the hills and that's exactly what you need to do.

Get yourself somewhere safe where you can restart your life without him, give yourself permission to grieve for the man you thought he was but above all keep away from him. Have no contact with him, don't get sucked in again, just cut him off.

By talking to you like this he's made it crystal clear that you should leave and that's probably the biggest favour he's going to do you.

Please don't tell him you are leaving. I'm worried for your safety. Could you invent a crisis with your mum to get you there and take what you really can't manage without and then get a big male friend to collect the rest?

Oh OP I have met a couple of people like your DH in my life, and my only advice is get out as soon as possible.
DS had a friend very similar, but whereas your H has an insight/realises and accepts his behaviour, this bloke goes through life being charming, knowing how to behave in company, but has absolutely no thought or care for those who cared for him.
Therapy cannot change people like this, because they don't care enough to "improve".
Think in terms of self preservation, look after yourself, dodge the bullet, and run. And don't cry any more.
Good Luck

I fell for a sociopath once..
He had to put a mask on and pretend to feel empathy, sympathy, be kind etc.
Your story has so many red flags 🚩
Please be safe

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3405447-Diagnosed-Psychopath-AMA

OP read this. It's an "Ask Me Anything" post by a lady who is a diagnosed psychopath. You'll notice some common traits.

Leave. He could be neutral, or he could be violent, either way its an unhappy marriage and you need someone capable of loving you.

I'd agree with the others that it really does sound like he's a psychopath. About 1% of people are, most dont become serial killers but a high proportion do become CEOs and politicians because psychopathic traits are very advantageous for getting ahead.

I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving, and I'm not sure that I would stay if I were you, but at the same time, most psychopaths lead relatively normal lives precisely because they learn to mask their lack of empathy and actively work to be pro-social.

You might find this an interesting read, especially how he has actively worked to become nicer to his wife, not because he cares emotionally, but because he doesnt want to be an arsehole, so can cognitively think about what is the kind thing to do rather than the selfish thing.

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/life-as-a-nonviolent-psychopath/282271/

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I think he did con you into marriage. He decided a wife would improve his quality of life. He carefully considered what temperament of wife would suit him best, in the way that a person would consider which breed of dog will suit the purpose best (ie gun dog/guard dog/support dog). Then he trained you by pretending to be the type of person you could fall in love with. In the same way that people train dogs with kindness not with fear whether or not they actually like dogs, because training with kindness is more effective. When you were ill you were no longer filling the function for which you were acquired, which is why he was annoyed with you.

You are now at a stage where he is finding that it's more effort to pretend to be what you thought he was than is compensated for by the gain of having a wife. I expect it's quite hard work for him to pretend to be nice. He's going to be himself (which is pretty unpleasant). He probably thinks you have been well-enough trained over the past few years that you stay, he gets to have a wife with no effort.

Just go, you can't fix him you can only save yourself from a miserable marriage. I also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That, it really is very useful in recognising the different means by which people can try to control you.

I absolutely agree. So please, stop blaming yourself that you didn't see this earlier - few would.

Leave, file for divorce. Go on and have a happy life far from this man.

@ChristmasinJune is talking sense. Please listen to her. Stay safe.

Yikes. You are going to feel SO good and free once you're away from this school bully who never grew up. He "hates" you for being kind? He is 'angered' if you have any form of need?

He will probably go into whiny mode about 'needing you' (no, he needs what you provide) or 'why are you hurting me' stuff, but it'll be the same manipulation he's used all his life.

Hope getting out is possible.

www.waterstones.com/book/the-sociopath-next-door/martha-stout/9780767915823

I read this book years ago it's quite interesting. Might help to put some of his behaviour into the new context you now have .

He has tried to back track a bit from what he said yesterday, I thought that he perhaps would. He has tried to justify some of the nasty comments he's made to me over the last few weeks. He thinks he had reason to say them. Maybe he even believes that. I just smiled and said it was OK. For the first time I could see exactly the kind of cycle we've been in. It took me all my time not to be sick.

I'm going to say I'm staying with my mum in a few days. I regularly stay with her so it won't raise any alarms.

I just want to add my voice to others encouraging you to leave soon and safely
I was with a man exactly like this for 3 years
He admitted he could kill another then walk away and put the kettle on.. I was horrified He was a great actor but only capable of anger, nothing else ever

Sociopath.

I recognise this, although my partner wouldn’t admit to the bullying - but I know that he really severely bullied his brother due to a family member telling me. He is a bully though. And he asked me near the beginning of our relationship to help him become a better person. And God knows I have tried. But manipulation and dishonesty and being controlling are in his DNA. I understand him more after 15 years, but it has been a draining, difficult slog. He is a bad mix of arrogant and insecure, and he definitely resents me for being nice/kind. He is jealous but also exploits it as he sees it as my weakness. I have my reasons for not leaving but I really advise you even the moodiness is enough to wear you down after years. And you find ways to cope but I definitely know that this isn’t a way to live really. Especially after reading about other healthy relationships on here. So sorry he pulled the wool over your eyes though. People like this are so good at it though. My partner was vulnerable but charming at first too. Best of luck.

BlackAmerican is spot on.

He's stopped trying; he thinks he's got you. Hence the minor backtracking now just in case you're questioning any of it. but he can't keep up the pretense permanently.

Get your stuff together, all your paperwork, important shit for when you go to your mum's. You may struggle to get the lesser stuff out later.

I'm so glad you're going to your mums.

Please never go back 'home' without someone else with you.

He cannot be trusted at all now, as he has let you know his big secret, and in order for his 'normal' life to continue ( i.e the big charade that he's a 'nice guy'), he'll need you to co operate.

Unfortunately, you will never again be able to trust him. He will be concentrating on trying to 'undo' what he has said by rephrasing and glossing over what he actually told you.............remember that after he told you he's never felt 'love' and is made angry by your 'nice and kind' personality.............he felt absolutely fine and slept like a baby !

You deserve to find love, and leave this cold, angry and horrible person who pretended to love you just so he could seem 'normal'.

Get out OP. This isn't going to get better. He sounds like a sociopath.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you

I distinctly remember my then-partner telling me one day, not long into our relationship, that his ex had accused him of being controlling. Even knowing that he went on to be incredibly controlling and abusive to me because their behaviour is so invidious that it's very hard to see what's being done to you. IMHO the whole 'telling' thing is a way of justifying it to themselves: "I warned her and she chose to stay with me, so she can't be surprised or blame me for my behaviour".

You think you'll never see a way through this, that you'll never trust again but - honestly - you do. You just need to heal first.

You've spent 6 years with someone you really never knew. Please don't waste any more time with him. And please don't think having a child will make this better

Go stay with your mum for a bit and have a think about whether you want to come back. You will be able to think more clearly away from him