AIBU to be struggling and to say something?

[countbackfromten]

I am going through a pretty miserable time at the moment. I’m a doctor who worked on intensive care during the first wave of covid which was tough and suddenly the team structure we had has vanished again and I’m struggling to process what happened. I know I will get there but finding it hard. I’m single and have almost given up on meeting someone, I am late 30s and realising that I might not meet someone and trying to accept that. I seem to either attract men who treat me badly or fall for men who ultimately don’t want me. It almost feels easier in some ways to stay single. But I’m lonely. I worked a run of long shifts recently and it would have been so nice to come home to someone and not to an empty flat. I know relationships aren’t all a bed of roses but I’m feeling quite down about my situation but trying to work my way through it.

My AIBU....one of my oldest friends has in the past 3 years left her husband, got divorced, met someone new, moved in and bought a house together and she is now pregnant. I’m happy for her but there probably is some element of the green eyed monster (which I hate and am trying to battle). I just wonder why I can’t seem to catch a break. She keeps texting me about the house and the baby and I am struggling to hear about it all. It just makes me so aware of my situation and making a hard time even worse.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I can’t hear about it all at the moment? I don’t want to hurt her but it is hurting me and I feel I need to protect myself. I have tried to ignore how I feel but now I need to accept my feelings are valid but I don’t know what to do.

Your "friend" sounds very unfeeling. Take heart, I am also a senior professional and met my husband when I was 41. .

YANBU. If she's a true friend she'll understand.

@Jamestown I think she is just caught up with her life. I have tried to understand but hard when we were so close when she moved nearer me initially but it changed overnight when things got more serious with her fiancé. Part of me thinks I should suck it up but it is adding to my sense of unhappiness and I think I need to focus on me.

Thank you for sharing. It really helps. Because it feels like everyone expects now that I will stay single and that it is almost a joke about how bad my love life is.

@SickOfThisVirus - I love your username and I am with you there. I am so fed up of covid and the impact it is having.

I think you are right, I just need to find the right words.

I think I would just say to my friend that I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and really needed more rest when off duty.

It is really shit when you see others having breaks, ie a new relationship, a job, house, baby, holiday, whatever.

But, I can't imagine the strain and stress you have been under and I think this will impact on your reactions and feelings to the normal good news or luck of others who have not been in your job and situation.

Everyone's been affected mentally by this, and I'm very sure you deserve a bit of peace and happiness.

Maybe you can explain how you're done in to your friend, and she'll hopefully understand if you don't text back or pick up the phone each time for a little while.

I hope you can see beyond a bit, and I hope you find joy. Xx

@thesunwillout thank you for such a kind response. I think that is probably a lot of it, I would like some happiness for myself too. I hate feeling this way but I have to acknowledge it and talk to her xx

YANBU at all, I’d send her a text saying you’re really thrilled for her but you’re probably not the right person to be supporting her since you’re having a tough time. A good friend would understand.

Ironically woken up to another message from her and allowed myself a little cry and now thinking what to say to her. I absolutely hate that I can’t just be truly happy for her but I need to say something. Any ideas?

Does your friend ever ask how you are, Countback?

@countbackfromten does she ever ask about you?x

To be honest OP I’d just say something along the lines of
“Hi XX, glad everything is going well for you. I’m very happy for you, it’s well deserved. I’m really struggling at the moment with everything that’s happened at work and it’s thrown up a lot of feelings about how I’m not completely happy with my life at the moment. In all honesty, I’m quite low at the moment and recognise I need to work on myself so I’m probably not going to answer messages for a while whilst I try and sort myself out. I thought I should let you know just in case you worry. When I’m feeling a bit better, it’d be lovely to meet up.”

And just leave it at that. If she’s a good friend she will reply saying how she’d like to support you when you’re ready. If she’s not, she’ll probably just disappear.

Has your Trust got any well-being provisions in place at the moment? I know we have had a lot offered around ours since COVID kicked off. Might be worth having a look so that you can have some support and help to work through this.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. Remember forever is a long time and this is only temporary. Things will change

I would say what @Gurtcha said; I would be cautious of saying that you don’t want to hear about her baby and house as even for a good friend that will hurt her. Also I know she has what you want but her life won’t be perfect and she will be having her own struggles.

@TimelyManor @Kiki275 she does but it usually feels like she is telling me off. After a run of long shifts she text saying that she hoped I was being sensible and had taken some time off (I hadn’t because I can’t just take leave like that at short notice). Her job is very different to mine in that she can have that flexibility and often it feels like I’m being told off for working too much. I just don’t think she understands.

@Gurtcha thank you for that. It is perfect and exactly what I want to say but have felt too selfish up to now to text.

I am a trainee so about to move trusts which doesn’t help this feeling currently as losing the support system we had over the past few months. I know deep down I want to be truly happy for her but I just can’t be when I feel like this. Your text is perfect because it is focusing on protecting myself which is what I need to do right now.

@user1493413286 you are right and the last thing I want to do it hurt her. I think sending the message like that gives me the distance I need to sort things out.

I have read lots of good things in a new book, Together, but two ideas seem very relevant here. Firstly, as hunger is a reminder that we need to eat, loneliness is a reminder that we need to connect.
Secondly, we need three types of connection. Community (to be part of a wider endeavour such as volunteering), social (contact with friends) and intimacy (contact with our closest people).

With this framework, you seem to be in a particularly tough place with at least two of these areas depleted. Your group at work has come to an end (probably without a good ending) and you don't seem to have intimacy with anyone.
Friendships are two ways. Whilst she's telling you about her new baby and home, do you tell her about your current struggles?

(If you're interested, I can point you in the direction of podcast interviews the author of Together has given).

And just leave it at that. If she’s a good friend she will reply saying how she’d like to support you when you’re ready. If she’s not, she’ll probably just disappear.

Not necessarily, if you've already stated your decision to make some distance.

@EggBoxes what you have said really resonates with me. I have tried to tell her, and others, about how I feel but they don’t get it. Part of it is I probably hold back because it would be very upsetting for them if I told them exactly how I am feeling right now and what I experienced over the past few months. Part of it is that when I do tell her that I’m lonely and finding being single is hard etc I get brushed off or the conversation changes very quickly. I’m the friend who is always single, the one who gets the jokes about how much I’m dating or asked for date stories. I smile and tell them but deep down it is so hard when I do feel lonely and I would love to meet someone but I don’t think it will happen now.

Plus I battle with the fact I feel selfish for burdening others. I can be my own worst enemy at times.

I personally couldn't say that to a good friend.

@eatsleepread can you elaborate a bit more?

I think she will understand if you need space. I do wonder though if you won't find it makes you somehow more lonely - is she one of a few friends or your main friend? It is tough hearing news like this but I do wonder if accepting it and jumping in and meeting her face to face might not be healthier if you have few people around you? The last think you want to do is isolate yourself further.

Maybe there will be a great group in the new trust for you too. It's an exciting time on that front for you!

would you consider therapy? I think it might be helpful to talk this through with someone.

Have you come across the theory of Drivers? I wonder if you have a Be Strong driver.

@JeSuisPoulet she is one of a few friends. If I am totally honest it has always felt a little one sided as a friendship, I have supported her through a lot but when I have needed support she hasn’t been there for me. When she was living alone we spent a lot of time together but that changed instantly when she moved in with her fiancé - I knew it would be different but I barely heard from her for weeks on end and it hurt at the time. I do wonder how much I really get from the friendship and is it just time to accept how it is and stop trying to much.

@EggBoxes I did try to access some last year after some really traumatic events (mainly family related) and had an initial session but they never arranged the follow up and I was too exhausted to battle and do it myself. So I let it slide and just tried to move forwards.

I am the person others seem to rely on and go to with their problems. Just leaves me in a state where I don’t know what to do when I need help. I don’t know if I do need therapy right now or if I just need some time focusing on me and not having constant reminders of what I would like but don’t have. I understand completely how excited she is and I hate that I can’t be. I feel pretty awful about that to say the least.

I recognise that feeling and have had it increasingly since everyone married (am 38 and a single mum). I often find myself ringing people to catch up and leaving messages, or getting told "I'm just in the middle of something, can I call you back?" which never happens. It can be quite hurtful even though I feel it isn't intended, when these type of instances occur frequently it can make me very low. Maybe space is actually what you need from her, but do send the detailed message so she can understand why.

I'm really hopeful the change at work will lead to some new options for you.