AIBU to be struggling and to say something?

[countbackfromten]

I am going through a pretty miserable time at the moment. I’m a doctor who worked on intensive care during the first wave of covid which was tough and suddenly the team structure we had has vanished again and I’m struggling to process what happened. I know I will get there but finding it hard. I’m single and have almost given up on meeting someone, I am late 30s and realising that I might not meet someone and trying to accept that. I seem to either attract men who treat me badly or fall for men who ultimately don’t want me. It almost feels easier in some ways to stay single. But I’m lonely. I worked a run of long shifts recently and it would have been so nice to come home to someone and not to an empty flat. I know relationships aren’t all a bed of roses but I’m feeling quite down about my situation but trying to work my way through it.

My AIBU....one of my oldest friends has in the past 3 years left her husband, got divorced, met someone new, moved in and bought a house together and she is now pregnant. I’m happy for her but there probably is some element of the green eyed monster (which I hate and am trying to battle). I just wonder why I can’t seem to catch a break. She keeps texting me about the house and the baby and I am struggling to hear about it all. It just makes me so aware of my situation and making a hard time even worse.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I can’t hear about it all at the moment? I don’t want to hurt her but it is hurting me and I feel I need to protect myself. I have tried to ignore how I feel but now I need to accept my feelings are valid but I don’t know what to do.

My very best friend is in a similar situation. She now lives about five hours away from me so we haven’t seen each other during lockdown.

She works incredibly hard all the time. As an outsider, I see this as a big barrier to her having a relationship. She has no time for hobbies or interests because of her working all the time, she comes home to a cold, empty house that she often hasn’t done more than sleep in for days on end and she is now so keen for a relationship to work that she ignores red flags, gets very involved very quickly and then ends up very hurt each time it doesn’t work.

She is so much fun, very attractive and so lovely, but I can see her getting more and more down. There is nothing I can do to help resolve her predicament, but we text multiple times every day and I try to always be on the other end of the phone. I try not to mention DH too much; I feel if I’m too positive about life with him it will make her feel down, if I’m negative she will think I’m ungrateful. I have been trying to encourage her to work less, but reading your posts, I now worry that that was the wrong thing to suggest.

To me, I think perhaps if she could work less and get out and enjoy her free time more (currently, she gets home really tired and sits watching Netflix alone until she goes back to work) she will be happier, more relaxed and open up avenues for connecting with new people. I appreciate I am not in the situation though, so it is hard to know what it is like.

What is it that you think you can do to make your life better? Can your friend support you in making changes? Rather than asking her not to share her life (friendships should be two ways), can you try confiding in her and asking for help? If you find she cannot support you through a tough patch, then that is the indication that you need to distance yourself from her.

@Coldspringharbour thank you. I’m over tired after a hard week but your comments have made me a bit teary and I really appreciate the kindness.

I’m going to sit down today and book some leave because I definitely need it. I’m burnout and not sleeping well and just don’t feel like myself at all. And you are right about my friend, it is understandable that I feel like this and I need to stop beating myself up and feeling like I am a terrible person for feeling like I do.

I’ve PM’d you with a couple of thoughts @countbackfromten

@christmastreewithhairyfairy thank you. If you asked her she would have no clue at all how I feel, I’m so good at masking it and internalising it because I feel so horrid for feeling this way. I would love to be truly happy for her and deep down I am but feeling a bit envious is horrible and I really dislike myself for it. Hence almost over compensating and being the friend who is endlessly supportive rather than admitting I might be struggling and need some support myself.

That situation sounds so hard with your friend and you sound so lovely for trying to understand but also recognising the barriers that you need. I think I need to recognise I need some barriers right now so I can do something for me and ultimately not feel like this!

@countbackfromten
2 things leap out from your posts.
First is that ‘no-one knows’ that’s why your friend is being so tactless. Another reason for letting people know that life is hard and you’d like to meet someone is that you ‘put it out there’ As an ‘older-than-you-woman’ happily settled and having had my children, I wouldn’t dream of match making or talking about settling down having children etc. unless I knew my friend wanted to find someone and have children
Then I’m a mine of support and useful information- viz the second thing that came to mind reading your OP.
I have more friends who had children in their 40s than 20s.

I get you OP, I'm often the (on the surface) calm one who helps people out, though not in medical care. I've had to start putting myself first for a bit over the last few months and it's had me re-evaluating how much support had been largely one way. I'm glad over focused on me, it was needed.

Different situation but pre-Covid I had messaged a friend who had been tone deaf (to use another pp's phase, which is spot on) about the immense stresses of trying to buy their massive dream house. I ended up being asking them to not bang on about it as it's something so far outside the realm of what we could ever afford of and is so trivial compared to things we had on at the time. Did worry I had been too blunt and I think it made things awkward for a bit but I'm glad I said it.

I realise now I tend not to actually say when things are difficult but just deal with it so they didn't know how things were affecting me till I uncharacteristically blurted out all out, somewhat to their surprise.

@Goatinthegarden thank you for sharing your experience and definitely makes me reflect on what I’m like. Work is hard because I am often working long days, nights and weekends but in more normal times I go out a lot and go to the theatre, art galleries, for meals, even if it is on my own. I’m quite proud of the fact that I do this stuff and enjoying life even if I am doing it on my own if that makes sense. I have some lovely friends that I also do things with. The current situation has made it worse because I lost all the other things I do outside of work and have found being at home in my flat alone a lot of the time tough. I can’t concentrate on the things I usually love and that makes it a bit harder.

I think I’m nervous about telling her I need support because she really wasn’t there for me at all last year when a very close family member was critically ill. Thinking about it makes me realise how it is a very one sided friendship and I don’t think I can keep giving and not getting much back.

Op, thank you for your work. You sound to me as though you are running on empty emotionally. Please seek support. Xx

@Etinox no one really knows right now, she certainly doesn’t, because when I have tried to talk about it I have felt like I just get platitudes and then I feel selfish and stop talking about it.

She knows I go on dates and want to meet someone because it has almost become a running joke to her about how bad my love life is and I feel worse because I feel like she judges me and gets patronising when I do go on dates. It is almost like she is expecting it to go wrong from the start (it tends to but I would like her to not expect it and be stop being a bit “I told you so”). I am probably being a bit over sensitive but it getting more hurtful as I get older and it seems less likely that I might find someone.

@crankysaurus thank you for sharing your experience and I am glad you told them. Sometimes we just need to be protective of ourselves and it is a hard but brace thing to do. I think I need to take a leaf out of your book with what you did and just say something.

@DoIneed1 I’m going to work out how to this weekend. I’m definitely running on empty and I need to stop xx

Covid professional here too, again am 58 now and have never met anyone worthwhile just absolute losers.
I think they see me coming because I'm a caring person and they read that as mummy will look after them.
I remember feeling desperate at your age as well as I was so lonely and ended up marrying one of the losers which was a big mistake. Cue 20 years in a miserable marriage where I gave and he took.
Now very happily living alone, you don't really need a man post menopause, the thrill has worn off by then.
Its really important to find Mr Right and not Mr He'll Do however you are feeling about the situation and get yourself out there.
I wouldn't want to hear about her happy new life either, you don't want to hear that when you are feeling down. I'd just make excuses for the time being, sorry I can't see you at the moment work is mad or whatever and just make it clear you are too busy to engage.
I really really wish I'd had therapy at 30, I am convinced I had low self esteem that prevented me finding sombody who was my equal. Men sense when you have it and the good ones avoid you or you just get the duff ones.
Maybe you should consider it? i had therapy when I went through the menopause as I felt my life was over and I really needed it. I feel very self confident these days and I find I'm attracting the right kind of people, unfortunately I don't want to be in a relationship any more.

It's not a case of not being happy for someone, though. It's a case of being sad that you don't it yourself. I've been through infertility. When friends (and my SIL) got pregnant and had babies, I was genuinely happy for them, but then I'd have a weep myself that I couldn't get pregnant. (Especially when my period came every month.)

Similarly, when I was engaged and getting married, what I didn't know was that my DSis's marriage was abusive and she was actually very unhappy. (Looking back, I might have behaved like the OP's friend.)

Your friend is being tactless at the very least, OP. She must know that you're single and lonely, and rubbing your nose in it isn't being a good friend. It sounds as if you're seen as being strong and independent and the go to friend when your friends need support. You really do need to speak up, a true friend will understand and want to support you in turn.

but in more normal times I go out a lot and go to the theatre, art galleries, for meals

Hmm, I think lockdown has removed a lot of our normal strategies for a happy, healthy life but it takes a while to notice this because we've been so focused on other, more pressing matters.

If you are on a reasonably good salary as a doctor, could you afford to consider cutting down to working a 3/4 day week and then spend more time on yourself recharging your batteries and doing activities where you may meet someone.

I think I’m nervous about telling her I need support because she really wasn’t there for me at all last year when a very close family member was critically ill. Thinking about it makes me realise how it is a very one sided friendship and I don’t think I can keep giving and not getting much back.

It sounds to me like you need to take a step back from this relationship and concentrate on making new connections. I think you also need to try opening up a little more. Colleagues at work will often be best placed to understand the challenges you face. Even though you are leaving your current place, is there anyone you’d like to stay in touch with? Often you just need to be brave and reach out to others to spark a friendship.

It’s great that you do lovely things like theatre trips and museum visits alone, but what strikes me here is that you are not having the opportunity to connect with others which is important if you want to combat feeling lonely. I know it is difficult just now, but is there a hobby based group you could join which would allow you to spend your down time interacting more? A walking, running or sports group for example. The added bonus being that the exercise may give you a good mental health boost.

@madcatladyforever thank you for sharing your experience, means a lot to me. I think some therapy is a good idea. My long term relationships were abusive (physically and emotionally) and I think I now almost go into things expecting it will end badly but still try too hard and make myself more miserable as a result. I think this thread has given me the kick up the backside I need to stop ignoring my feelings and instead tackle them.

@Mittens030869 thank you. I am really sad at times that I’m in this situation, I try to justify it a lot that I’m very lucky - a good job I love, I’m financially independent and I have a pretty good life overall - but I am lonely and I do feel sad that I don’t seem to be able to meet someone and build something there. In a way it is a form of grief.

And you are right, my friend does know it and is being insensitive. I don’t think she is trying to be or upset me but it is that she doesn’t even think about my feelings really at all. I need to make some changes.

@quizqueen it is hard to do that as a trainee doctor (not because of finances but just having to try and go less than full time) and to be honest I just want to get through training now and have some stability in my life where I’m not moving hospital every 3-6 months and constantly feel like I have no control over my life. I have just over 3 years to do and then I have more control!

Hi op

Your post really spoke to me. There has been a lot of good advice on here, you sound like a lovely person.

I've said it on here before, some people just don't have much to give emotionally, maybe never, maybe just where they are at that point. But protect yourself from this no give dynamic for now, and in the future. I think you need to book some leave too, which you have recognised.

Things aren't always what they seem from the outside either. I was shocked when a good friend ended her marriage suddenly. She was unhappy for years but felt disloyal telling anyone. I felt dreadful and still do that I wasn't there for her when she needed support. But she would listen to friends woes for hours.

This sounds like you.

@Goatinthegarden there is a fabulous group I worked with during the past few months and we are making plans, I’m lucky to have some wonderful friends in and out of work. I guess I feel sad about the situation with this one friend because I have known her for almost my whole life. Hence trying to make the friendship work because of the history, but I think I need to accept it isn’t working for me.

I think a hobby group is a great idea. I have often told myself it isn’t practical because my shifts are all over the place and I can’t regularly make a set session but this is probably just an excuse and I will have a look and push myself to just do it! Thank you, that is a really great idea.

@Greatdomestic thank you, that is so lovely of you to say. I sound very much like your friend and I think I need to be a bit more vulnerable and say how I’m feeling as well as put some boundaries in place to give me the time to work things out too. I can’t be the person everyone comes to with their problems all the time, as much as I want to always help!

Have just looked at my new rota and identified some time to take off. Thanks to you and others for giving me the push to do it!

Thank you to everyone who has replied and given me some incredible advice. I have been beating myself up for feeling like this and convinced myself I’m terrible for not being able to do it anymore. I have to practice what I preach and be kinder to myself!

Nurse here too. South East , also up for walking / chatting.
Message if you want to

@countbackfromten

Thankyou it's been really really tough.
When I'm there I just get on with it.
But when I come home and reflect - I call my friend and I'm relieved there's another like-minded human who understands my words and feels the same.

I'm not sure if dating right now will make you feel any better. But I strongly encourage you to seek some sort of therapy.

Be kind to yourself x