AIBU to be struggling and to say something?

[countbackfromten]

I am going through a pretty miserable time at the moment. I’m a doctor who worked on intensive care during the first wave of covid which was tough and suddenly the team structure we had has vanished again and I’m struggling to process what happened. I know I will get there but finding it hard. I’m single and have almost given up on meeting someone, I am late 30s and realising that I might not meet someone and trying to accept that. I seem to either attract men who treat me badly or fall for men who ultimately don’t want me. It almost feels easier in some ways to stay single. But I’m lonely. I worked a run of long shifts recently and it would have been so nice to come home to someone and not to an empty flat. I know relationships aren’t all a bed of roses but I’m feeling quite down about my situation but trying to work my way through it.

My AIBU....one of my oldest friends has in the past 3 years left her husband, got divorced, met someone new, moved in and bought a house together and she is now pregnant. I’m happy for her but there probably is some element of the green eyed monster (which I hate and am trying to battle). I just wonder why I can’t seem to catch a break. She keeps texting me about the house and the baby and I am struggling to hear about it all. It just makes me so aware of my situation and making a hard time even worse.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I can’t hear about it all at the moment? I don’t want to hurt her but it is hurting me and I feel I need to protect myself. I have tried to ignore how I feel but now I need to accept my feelings are valid but I don’t know what to do.

Hi op. Just to say that my brother and sister in law met in their late 30’s. They are now married 20 years with three kids! Don’t give up. I imagine that you’re feeling tired and bleak, and no wonder. Hope all will come right- you deserve it, and try and take care. 💐

Hi @countbackfromten - I'm an SAS hospital doctor and I can see much of myself in you (LTFT for health reasons). In the NW in case a person to walk and talk with helps.

If this 'friend' is a real friend she will cope with you setting boundaries as described- if not then you really haven't lost anyone that gave you value.

As a single doctor I have to say my closest friends are mostly not doctors - and I have developed good friends in the last 10 years. It takes effort though- for me it was church but groups would definitely be of help. PM if you like

How are things today OP?

@EggBoxes thank you for checking in on me. Had a pretty terrible weekend with a different friend who needed support and my plans for a chilled out one went straight out of the window. I’m starting to feel a bit like I can’t catch a break (although I know that is daft) and pretty exhausted after being in A&E until the early hours.

It never rains but it pours!

when is the next time you can do something lovely just for you?

@EggBoxes have booked a few days away later this month and I think I will be turning my phone off when I go! I will feel guilty but I definitely have to put myself first for once and a few days by the seaside with my parents is just what I need!

I’ve not rtft
@countbackfromten @JeSuisPoulet @eggboxes I feel you all...I’m in a very similar position and really struggling!

Single mum, good career but just lacking in good friendships and good relationships. If any of you are in Scotland let’s meet.
My friends all rely on me to support them in one way or another and it’s draining.

During lockdown I’ve had to face some harsh home truths (when I needed support and got none but was expected to be there for everyone) and sadly had to limit and cut off some friendships that were mentally burning me out.

As horrible as it is I’m glad Covid has given me the time to process what these “friendships” were costing me but I’m now left with no real friends.

On another forum I was directed to read up on codependency and I think some of it applied to me. You may find it useful.

@EggBoxes your recommendations are en pointe! Keep them coming...some of your recommendations are resources I’ve used to help myself through this.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, its such a shame that someone who is doing such a necessary and vital job isnt being treated well.
Your friend sounds quite insensitive. You shouldn't need to spell out to her that you're struggling, anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence or empathy would infer that with everything that's going on. Not everything in life can be tit for tat, but if you've been there for her in the past the least she can do now is demonstrate some empathy. It sounds a little bit like she has used you, so it's no wonder you're feeling down. You need to put yourself first and get rid of anything in your life that is making you feel bad and that might mean gently phasing her out. It sounds drastic but it doesn't sound as if you are getting much out of the friendship and you will probably feel better without her (perhaps inadvertently) twisting the knife. Fwiw I think Gurtcha's text is perfect, hope you feel better soon x

@countbackfromten firstly, thank you for doing such a wonderful job, I can't imagine what it must be like.

The one thing I really want to say to you is, it's ok to say no! You have just given up another weekend for a friend that needed you. You need to start putting yourself first. I speak from experience. I had to start being a little selfish, you don't have to give a reason or justify yourself.

Have you sent 'the text' to your friend yet? I think you should. I'd like to think she's not intentionally trying to rub your face in it and I'm sure she'll offer you the support you need. She will if she is a real friend.

A weekend with your parents by the sea sounds ideal. Especially if you turn off your phone 😊

Hi OP, did you text your friend? What was her response?

May I introduce you to my son.........?

@honeygirlz - I haven’t text her yet. I was planning to over the weekend but then another friend was very unwell so she became the priority and I have wimped out since! I really have to learn to put myself first at times but end up feeling so guilty!!

@FigureItOutNow thank you so much. I think I definitely need to work out what this friendship is adding to my life and whether it is worth it. I just don’t think I can keep giving all the time! I am really drained and I think I have to admit that and sort myself out first.

@NotAWickedStepmum thank you. I was so teary when I left home after the weekend because I needed the break so much and it ended up being so stressful but I know I did the best by my other friend and at least I could be there for her and her husband. I will be turning off my phone when I go away, I am counting down the days now and my mum and dad are so excited which is wonderful.

I have really hugely appreciated the support on this thread and especially the realisation that I am ok to put myself first at times rather than always being the one giving so much to others.

@jessstan2 haha! Didn’t expect to be set up on this thread, made me smile!

@Este67 thank you so much for your kind words. I am pretty shocked that she seems to have no idea how this all might feel for me but that probably shows that my feelings just aren’t important to her. And a friendship like that isn’t a friendship. I just needed to hear it from others like yourself to really believe it x

These situations are really tricky. I’m married and have a DC and my oldest friend has the same job as you and is single. It does sound like your friend is being insensitive to your feelings, but maybe she doesn’t know? To her maybe it looks like you are always out having fun etc (prior to covid).

I’m not saying this is the case with you at all but my friend has really high standards for herself and she puts other people (including dating) up to those levels too. I have tried to gently broach that with her but then sometimes she’ll make a dig about people just ‘settling’. Same with DC she once said she’d never want a boy (I have a boy!) I am aware that she is feeling insecure about lack of family etc but to be honest it is hurtful when a friend doesn’t show interest in your life and I have distanced myself. My life isn’t perfect and sometimes it’s nice to have support. I do try and ask about her life but I don’t have much to contribute regarding travel / going out etc as I can’t now.

If I were you I’d try to expand your social circle to include more likeminded people/ those in a similar situation as you as they will be more free to go out socially etc. I wouldn’t send that suggested message to your friend though. Just leave a bit more space and respond more superficially.

@PurpleDaisies

TBF of a friend of mine couldn't be happy for me genuinely without feeling jealous then I wouldn't consider them a friend at all.

That’s just not real life though. I’ve been ttc for over a decade. Literally fifty babies have been born to friends while I have none. It’s a nightmare and I hate myself for being upset when there’s another pregnancy announcement. Absolutely nobody wants to feel like this.

It’s not as easy as just deciding to embrace positivity.

This in spades.

@Houndabouttown she does know because I have spoken about it previously. I stopped because it was just laughed of or another eye roll at another terrible date. It has been really hurtful. She is one of my oldest friends and I have been there for her through so much but frankly it has never been reciprocated. I think I need to address it now.

I remember meeting up with a pregnant friend the day after having been told I was infertile after my failed IVF (I had no eggs). She kept prattling on about her morning sickness the whole time. It was a big mistake to meet up with her, but she always was fairly clueless in that way.

If you’ve tried to address it before then it’s unlikely to work by addressing it again. It’s worth a try but maybe you aren’t as compatible as friends as you once were.

Some people (like mittens’s friend) will probably never get it.

[quote countbackfromten]@jessstan2 haha! Didn’t expect to be set up on this thread, made me smile![/quote]
He's clever, charming, independent.........:-)

@jessstan2 he sounds like a better option than I have had I ages!

More messages again today. I replied but just didn’t engage further. I know I am coming across cold which I hate and I hate that I feel like this even more. But I think I am done.

Thank you so much @FigureItOutNow