AIBU to be struggling and to say something?

[countbackfromten]

I am going through a pretty miserable time at the moment. I’m a doctor who worked on intensive care during the first wave of covid which was tough and suddenly the team structure we had has vanished again and I’m struggling to process what happened. I know I will get there but finding it hard. I’m single and have almost given up on meeting someone, I am late 30s and realising that I might not meet someone and trying to accept that. I seem to either attract men who treat me badly or fall for men who ultimately don’t want me. It almost feels easier in some ways to stay single. But I’m lonely. I worked a run of long shifts recently and it would have been so nice to come home to someone and not to an empty flat. I know relationships aren’t all a bed of roses but I’m feeling quite down about my situation but trying to work my way through it.

My AIBU....one of my oldest friends has in the past 3 years left her husband, got divorced, met someone new, moved in and bought a house together and she is now pregnant. I’m happy for her but there probably is some element of the green eyed monster (which I hate and am trying to battle). I just wonder why I can’t seem to catch a break. She keeps texting me about the house and the baby and I am struggling to hear about it all. It just makes me so aware of my situation and making a hard time even worse.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I can’t hear about it all at the moment? I don’t want to hurt her but it is hurting me and I feel I need to protect myself. I have tried to ignore how I feel but now I need to accept my feelings are valid but I don’t know what to do.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way is you have to put boundaries in to protect your wellbeing when you’re having a tough time. It’s not selfish or unreasonable to withdraw from relationships that are contributing (rationally or irrationally) to feeling low. I’d use some of the wording suggested - your friend’s reaction will tell you all you need to know about your friendship. Take care xxx

Hopefully the new Trust will have some well-being policies you can make the most of OP. Could you talk to your educational supervisor when you arrive and just make them aware that you’ve found the last few months very hard? Failing that, our Chaplaincy have been amazing with support. They’re usually very easy to talk things through with and know where you can access further resources xx

Maybe some online counselling would work? It might be easier to fit around your work patterns?

@JeSuisPoulet that sounds really tough and I understand the feeling all too well. I don’t know about you but it makes me feel like a burden and then I feel guilty for that. Sorry you experience something similar too

@Jeezoh thank you. I have tied myself in knots thinking I am being selfish and what you said is right. I really appreciate it xx

@Gurtcha I find out who my ES is next week, I have worked at the hospital before so will gauge how I feel about being that open with them. But I definitely need to access something so going to make that a priority xx

I am getting such a sense of sadness and stoicism in your words OP. I think you're very relatable and brave. I find myself wanting to recommend lots of books and podcasts, but I'm wondering what kind of support you would find helpful?

Somebody being driven by a Be Strong is reliable, firm, calm (brilliant in a crisis) and possibly a bit blunt. They tend to use logical, rational language and don't really talk about their emotions. They have a tendency to put their own needs last and this can eventually lead to depression or burn-out.

@EggBoxes that describes me in many ways, I am the reliable one and calm in a crisis (I definitely have to be in my job). I do talk about my feelings with people I trust and am quite open but I struggle when I feel like I am burdening others. I tend to overthink things and get worried about it.

Any recommendations would be gratefully received! I have been trying to think what type of support I need. To be honest I think I need some time not at work and to allow myself to stop and to mourn. 2019 was a tough year and I thought 2020 was going to be better and then covid happened and blew that out of the water. I just haven’t stopped and I need to before I burn out entirely. Probably the friend situation is just a manifestation of how low I am feeling.

Yes, I do feel like a burden or perhaps that they find me boring or negative and don't want to bother if I can't be sunny and funny. It can be draining because they always expect a "story" or a "point" to each chat rather than an easy catch up and "how are you?" - like I'm on a timer. In lockdown I found I've withdrawn quite a lot and felt like they could now perhaps call me to see how I was. After all they aren't out working... but only 1 did which made it worse. I then went through a stage of "fuck 'em" and managed a couple of months before thinking I need to put in the effort or I only have myself to blame and calling again. Thanks for the . You aren't alone with this feeling. I keep meaning to do Meetup walks (the phone app where you can find local groups for hobbies etc) - might be worth a look for you.

Hi, first of all I want to send you a big massive hug.

I ended up in ICU during the first wave and I'm a final year nursing student. I cannot articulate how stressful the last 6months have been. I'm also dreading being a nqn during the 2nd wave.

I'm a bit older than you and also forever single. I felt very very isolated during the first lockdown, coming home to a empty house was awful.

I'm almost in a place of acceptance about being single, mainly because I only meet arseholes. Whenever I meet one they make me feel relieved to be single.

There was one friend calling me to complain about being in lockdown with her husband and she realised she doesn't know him/like him. I stopped answering her calls when I realised she wasn't interested in listening to how I was coping.

I have one friend, who is also a nurse and she's also single living alone. I don't know how I would have gotten through the first surge without her and she has said the same.

I've shared all this to say, it's ok to send the suggested text to your friend in order to protect your mental health. This is a good time to be completely utterly selfish during your off-duty.

I'm assuming that you're accessing all of the mental wellness support being made available? Can you reach out to your friends and get yourself dressed up and go out out. I went out to dinner last week for the first time since March. It felt so amazing to see myself in a dress, makeup and heels instead of scrubs, student uniform or my PJ's (or jogging bottoms).

I posted my comment before reading the thread.

I had a lot of anxiety about so many things that normally wouldn't phase me. I'm usually quite stoic, happy and outgoing and chatty. But I started to withdraw and just wanted to retreat into myself.

I forced myself to access the support at my trust and started counselling - the therapist was excellent. I would definitely recommend you seek out the support especially before the 2nd wave overwhelms the hospital.

I too just want to give you a big hug, and go for a walk with you. (You're not in the East Riding are you??).

I think you might be low on resources and are picking up on the signs that you need to take some rest. Is that at all possible at this stage in your career? Even a week off work?

@countbackfromten - first of all, thank you, thank you so much for being one of the nation's many heroes during this crisis. Huge amounts of respect to you.

Secondly - don't send the text. Work on yourself before you let anybody who isn't fully there for you (and she isn't) know how low you are.

Work on not comparing who you are and what you have to others. Being a doctor is a major achievement in itself. Being a dedicated one, as you are, is just so impressive.

You don't know who or what lies ahead for you. Have hope for the future that you want, but start with today and start to build positive relationships with those around you. You will start to like yourself more because you will feel how much others like you. Enjoy those moments with people every day.

I would never give away my vulnerability as sometimes people turn it into a bullet to fire back at you.

Your smug married friend may well be innocent of her relentless #blessed and #mywonderfullife messages to you, but I am not convinced that she isn't just taking aim. Have some stock phrases at the ready and extract yourself from the one-sided friendship.

@JeSuisPoulet it is hard once you feel like this to get out of it but the groups idea sounds great. And you sound like you have been doing an incredible job during a bloody tough time.

Here's a lovely, long conversation about Together drchatterjee.com/the-healing-power-of-human-connection-in-a-sometimes-lonely-world-with-dr-vivek-murthy/

And I recommend Rangan Chatterjee's book, The Four Pillar Plan for general taking care of yourself and improving your life.

How to do Everything and Be Happy was a recommendation on MN ages ago, and one I have found practical and helpful (as another person with a high Be Strong who has had to learn to look after herself after burning out in her 20s).

TBF of a friend of mine couldn't be happy for me genuinely without feeling jealous then I wouldn't consider them a friend at all. You've surrounded yourself with negativity, try surrounding yourself with positive happy people , and I stead if feeling envious it might rub off on you.
Negative people pull at your soul. Try changing your mindset a little. Wake up every morning and think of one lovely thing you have in your life that day. It could be a simple pleasure such as you have got a nice bottle of wine in for tonight , or the colour of your walls looks really lovely.

Keep focusing on positivity and don't allow negative thoughts.

@NurseButtercup I have been a doctor for 10 years and cannot imagine what it must have been like going through all of this as you have. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but thank you for all you have done, our nurses on ITU were just incredible during all of this and proud to have been part of the team with them. I am so glad you have your friend in the same boat and that you have found counselling helpful. I think this has been the push I need to sort some out for me.

TBF of a friend of mine couldn't be happy for me genuinely without feeling jealous then I wouldn't consider them a friend at all.

That’s just not real life though. I’ve been ttc for over a decade. Literally fifty babies have been born to friends while I have none. It’s a nightmare and I hate myself for being upset when there’s another pregnancy announcement. Absolutely nobody wants to feel like this.

It’s not as easy as just deciding to embrace positivity.

@EggBoxes thank you for the recommendations! Sadly I’m not near you but your kindness is truly appreciated, if I was I would totally take you up on the offer!

@SummerWhisper thank you so much. Pretty humbled reading that and I really appreciate it. May sound daft but I think this has all given me the validation I needed to put myself first and stop being the person that is always there for everyone else all the time. I think I do need to like myself again, I like work me and proud of what I did as part of an amazing team during the darkest of times but I don’t think I like myself very much right now. Which is symptomatic of how I am feeling. Thanks for being so kind

You’ve been through an extremely stressful, distressing and unprecedented situation. Without people like you, goodness knows how many more people would have died so huge respect to you and your profession 💐💐💐💐
I think it’s going to take you some time to process what you’ve been through. I know you’ve mentioned counselling or support that you can access through work. I would definitely follow that up and push for it.
I feel like your friend is maybe being a little insensitive by keeping you constantly updated about how well she’s doing and how happy she is, it’s a little tone deaf of her.
Keep telling yourself that everything is out of context at the moment because of the Covid situation. I know it’s particularly difficult when we don’t know when this will end.
Do you have any leave booked, could you have a little break, maybe a spa break or something that would physically refresh you and allow you to unwind.
Don’t beat yourself up about not being excited for your friend, it’s a normal reaction given what you’ve been through and how mentally exhausted you must feel. I don’t know what else to suggest but sending you the biggest of hugs.

Hi OP,

YANBU at all, you sound like you are having a really hard time and it is awful having a friend who makes you feel worse about yourself, especially if they are tone deaf and don't realise the impact they have on you, and also only talk about themselves.

I would have a word, BUT I also just want to say it can be hard on the other side too. I have a friend who has had a very tough life and has not found a partner. It has got to the point where:

• I can't say anything positive about my life because I am making her feel worse about hers
• I also can't say anything negative because that is being ungrateful for what I have and also nothing I go through can ever be as bad as what she has been through so I shouldn't complain.

Therefore I essentially can't talk about my life at all, and so it has become all about her (I know I sound horribly unsupportive but we are talking 20 years like this, not a small bad patch). I still consider her a friend but I have to limit my time with her because there is only so much support I can give and it is very draining.

I am not saying you are like this AT ALL, you sound lovely in wanting to let her down gently. Just a warning I guess.

I second PPs who say give yourself some space, and also try therapy if possible

TBF of a friend of mine couldn't be happy for me genuinely without feeling jealous then I wouldn't consider them a friend at all.

This is harsh - we are all human and I think most people feel a touch of jealousy when good things happen to friends, especially if we ourselves are going through a rough patch. I know I felt jealous of friends' pregnancies when I had a row of miscarriages. Feeling super happy for everyone all of the time is just not that simple.

@maddy68 no one in my life has any idea of how I really feel. I’m the one they go to with problems and I always listen and support and do everything I can to help. They would describe me as positive because I internalise it all. But that is making me unhappy and surely I can admit that?!

@PurpleDaisies I cannot imagine how awful that has been for you and my heart goes out to you. And you are right, no one wants to feel like this, it is bloody hard to say the least.