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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me to stop chickening out of a confrontation

129 replies

LankylegsFromOz · 31/07/2020 22:39

Delurking for my first ever post...

I need to confront someone tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit anxious.

My son is 11 and has aspergers and we have an almost 2 year old lab. We have a support worker that comes over twice a week. His first was a woman mid 20s, and his 2nd that started last Wednesday is the same.

I admit from the get-go my son talks alot. He goes to a mainstream school but obviously he has asd. Still he is a good kid and respectful to elders. Our dog is a typical juvenile male lab.

One of the things my son and his support worker likes to do is go to the dog park. Both son and dog loves other dogs and they have a great time. There is this man (around 60 yo) at the park and he thinks he owns it. At home we call him Mr Know-it-all. Over the last year he has been doing what I can only describe as low level bullying towards my son and dog. Never when me or DH there, only with the support worker. Snide comments about how much my son talks, obviously dislikes our dog, yells at him etc. He knows son is ASD, as my son is very open to everyone about it.

When son and new support worker went on Wednesday we warned her about him. Son hasn't been to the park for a few weeks as we were between support workers. This time he was the worst ever, calling dog 'a dick of a dog' just generally being unpleasant. He sidled up to support worker asking 'so what us your name.. are you the new support worker.. so I suppose you'll be here alot' (sniffing disapproval).

She was so uncomfortable she doesn't want to go back and I'm not going to force her, but..

Who the fuck does he think he is? Why should they go to a new dog park because if this bully picking on an autistic 11 year old boy? Nobody else in the park has a problem with them, just him.

So tomorrow, I'm taking the dog to the dog park to give this dickhead a piece of my mind. But I'm abit nervous and I need you guys to help me to not chicken out...

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 31/07/2020 22:44

If he approaches you at all tell him "if you approach my son again I will be passing on your details to the police for harassment and intimidation. Your interference in my child's life is unnatural and I'm sure the police will be very interested in your behaviour".

You now have a witness.

FrancoBranco · 31/07/2020 22:44

Oh, what an arse of a man he is

I have no advice but wanted to support you. What business is it of his what your son does, or who his support workers are?!

Tell him if he ever so much as looks at your son or his support worker again then you'll report him for harassment.

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 31/07/2020 22:48

Thanks guys. I was thinking of trying to stay calm but just say that his words and actions have made my son and both support workers feel uncomfortable. And remind him my son is 11 yeald old and autistic and my dog is not 'a dick of a dog' but a typical juvenile male lab. I plan to say this in front of everyone...

OP posts:

Solongtoshort · 31/07/2020 23:16

There’s no need to explain about your son or your dog, they don’t need any justification. He just needs to be told he is a bully and to keep away from your son. I think you should also log the last intimidation with the police.

Make a little card of what you want to say and read it just before you go into the park. Don’t engage in an arguenent tell him like it is and turn on your heel and walk away.

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 03:04

I just asked my previous support worker for some examples and she said he would make my son the brunt of very subtle jokes, so only the adults would understand. My son would understand that something happened and would question his support worker but she would just deflect and say dont worry, he's being rude, go play with 'dog'. He always yells at my dog say for example shouting at him to drop the ball even when it is a park ball, belonging to all dogs.

Interestingly Mr Know-it-all never raises concerns about my son and his dog when my DH is there. Probably because he is a fucking bully! I'm so angry now... still nervous about confronting him, but I have no choice.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 01/08/2020 03:28

Ask for more detail from previous support worker.
List them out, then report as hate (discriminatory) crime harassment to police, but if not, report to your social worker (you have support worker/ EHC plan so likely to be entitled to one) who may run his details via police.

Is the dog a registered support (working) dog?

Sparticuscaticus · 01/08/2020 03:31

Can you video him when you go down (it'll help you keep your cool)
"You are harassing a disabled child- that's a criminal offence, you won't leave them alone. Why are you so interested in children that aren't yours? Stat away from my child, this is going to the police"

FortunesFave · 01/08/2020 03:31

Without being too critical, this is exactly what the support worker is for...she's meant to help your DS in the world and navigate all sorts of situations.

She should be capable of dealing with him...of giving him short shrift.

As you say, this man doesn't do it when you or DH are there....probably because you won't be bullied.

I would honestly speak to the agency that the SW works for and ask them about training. She needs some sort of training in being more assertive.

MitziK · 01/08/2020 03:33

I would ask him very loudly why he is so interested in constantly following, approaching and talking to an eleven year old child with SEN and just why he's so keen to get to know your boy.

Possibly take a photo of him whilst you're there so he can be identified by police, too.

After all, it does appear to be a very intense interest in a child...

GameChange123 · 01/08/2020 03:35

Try and find this blokes name out. Maybe take a photo of him. Show the photo to community police support

Igotthemheavyboobs · 01/08/2020 03:35

@StoneofDestiny

You now have a witness.

I'd do this to be honest. Don't go down the 'you've upset my son' route as he likely won't care.

It is weird that he seems to have a slight obsession with your son, I think I would be reporting anyway.

Good luck for tomorrow OP, don't engage I'm a row just say your piece and go.

FortunesFave · 01/08/2020 03:35

MitziK yes you would...and I would...and OP probably would because this man never says anything when OP is there because he senses people who won't take his shit.

But the support worker is meant to be able to deal with this alone. It's no good OP telling her to say things like that to the man. It's not OP's job to train a professional to do her job properly.

OP needs to speak to the agency and as someone else said, possibly the police or her social worker.

Catsup · 01/08/2020 03:43

To be honest if he approaches you/your son, I'd pull my phone out and video (not illegal in a public environment), and state 'I'm informing you I feel you're exhibiting aggressive behaviour towards myself/child, and I'm notifying you I'm recording this, and will alert the police if you don't leave us alone. I'd also probably state something along the lines of (in a very calm matter of fact way). 'I feel you are taking an unhealthy interest in my child! And I'm concerned that you're doing this!'. (I'd announce this loudly). If he's got any sense of self preservation he'll run a bloody mile and leave your family well alone in future. Lone adults hanging about parks commenting without need on children is generally not not socially well received.

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 03:46

I don't think I will report him to the police. Yet anyway. My son is quite perceptive and reckons this man has never had friends. Then he got a dog in his 50s and is suddenly holding court at the dog park. My son feels sorry for him in some ways. I don't though.

I don't think he has an unhealthy interest in my son in that way. He just sees an easy target. He thinks he's funny. Most people there probably think he is a dick but won't say anything as they dont like confrontation. And who does? That's why he gets away with it.

I'm going to prepare what to say and come up with contingency plans. I have the upper hand as he will have no idea. I'll be all friendly introducing myself as X's mum (we've met b4), before I launch in.

OP posts:

MitziK · 01/08/2020 03:53

@LankylegsFromOz

I'd say singling out an 11 year child for bullying is a pretty unhealthy interest, personally.

However - if this person believes that his 'interest' is being interpreted in a different light and he could become somebody thought of by police/others as being a bit too keen upon the company of children, he might just back the fuck off.

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 04:11

Good point!

OP posts:

Catsup · 01/08/2020 04:18

But it's a dog walking park not a child park. So why the obvious issue/interest specifically in your son? If he's an issue with your dog that's one thing. But when he's more interested in your son/their support worker/if they're a support worker/potentially if your child is vulnerable? It's nothing to do with your dog really? If your dog is a nuisance in general and/or specifically towards his dog? Then it's a dog behavioural issue. If he's more interested in getting up close to your son then it's an adult with a potentially unhealthy interest issue... And I'm no 'brass eye every house is a Pedophile advocate 😂). But sometimes if it feels' wrong' there's a reason to not just brush it off.

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 04:31

I honestly think it's more that he finds both dog and son annoying. As hard as it is to say, my son can be annoying. He asks loads of questions and has no filter. My dog is abit annoying also, in a boisterous puppy way that probably only other lab owners understand.

Most adults can click that son is the way he is because of his asd. Mr Know-it-all has no patience with him because he is a bully.

It's hard to convey over the net but I seriously doubt it is anything else more sinister. The dog park is popular and he acts like the King, he isnt skulking around like some pervert. Everyone knows my son and dog as well, son is very popular there just because he does talk so much.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 01/08/2020 05:10

Your son is very perceptive

Cupisalwayshalffull · 01/08/2020 05:19

Mr dickhead is in a public place he does not own or have no claim to be his and bully your child who I am sure if I crossed his path would make my day.
Btw once you let it all out what will happen with your son and dog then I would be extra careful.
Why do people have to be so darn nasty and dictate.

Fuck I hate people like this
I have one in my workplace

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 05:28

@Weenurse

Your son is very perceptive

Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

LankylegsFromOz · 01/08/2020 05:30

@Cupisalwayshalffull

Mr dickhead is in a public place he does not own or have no claim to be his and bully your child who I am sure if I crossed his path would make my day. Btw once you let it all out what will happen with your son and dog then I would be extra careful. Why do people have to be so darn nasty and dictate. Fuck I hate people like this I have one in my workplace

Thanks! And yes, unfortunately my DH and I will need to accompany son, support worker and dog in future.

OP posts:

adriennewillfly · 01/08/2020 05:43

My one tip is to give him a piece of your mind, and once you're done, walk away no matter what his response. Don't get involved in an two-way argument

User43210 · 01/08/2020 07:48

Your son is sweet to feel bad for the guy.

I know you say he doesn't have an unhealthy interest in your son however he really does if he focuses on him for the jokes. And it would be good to state this to him, as it might (slight chance) make him reevaluate how his jokes are coming across, and hopefully he will see how unhealthy his obsession is.

He sounds weird and I'm infuriated for you. I wish I knew where you were because if it was near me, I would be down there myself and make sure he knows what it felt like to be on the receiving end before giving him a piece of my mind.

And if your support worker can manage to go there once more without you and DH after this and he continues, then certainly go to the police. I'm certain there will be some sort of anti social or protective law over your son and the jokes and comments he make would surely be some sort of hate speech. Happy to look into this to see if there's anything you could quote such as this

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/hate-crime/disability-hate-crime/

So sorry your son is going through this, I'm glad he's not fully aware or the nastiness.

Good luck today, don't back down. Give him hell! And make sure to keep us posted please

Pesimistic · 01/08/2020 07:53

No advice but remain calm but strong, dont let him intimidate you, hes in the wrong remember, let us know how it goes, hope the rude horrible man runs off with his tail between his legs

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