Help me to stop chickening out of a confrontation

[LankylegsFromOz]

Delurking for my first ever post...

I need to confront someone tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit anxious.

My son is 11 and has aspergers and we have an almost 2 year old lab. We have a support worker that comes over twice a week. His first was a woman mid 20s, and his 2nd that started last Wednesday is the same.

I admit from the get-go my son talks alot. He goes to a mainstream school but obviously he has asd. Still he is a good kid and respectful to elders. Our dog is a typical juvenile male lab.

One of the things my son and his support worker likes to do is go to the dog park. Both son and dog loves other dogs and they have a great time. There is this man (around 60 yo) at the park and he thinks he owns it. At home we call him Mr Know-it-all. Over the last year he has been doing what I can only describe as low level bullying towards my son and dog. Never when me or DH there, only with the support worker. Snide comments about how much my son talks, obviously dislikes our dog, yells at him etc. He knows son is ASD, as my son is very open to everyone about it.

When son and new support worker went on Wednesday we warned her about him. Son hasn't been to the park for a few weeks as we were between support workers. This time he was the worst ever, calling dog 'a dick of a dog' just generally being unpleasant. He sidled up to support worker asking 'so what us your name.. are you the new support worker.. so I suppose you'll be here alot' (sniffing disapproval).

She was so uncomfortable she doesn't want to go back and I'm not going to force her, but..

Who the fuck does he think he is? Why should they go to a new dog park because if this bully picking on an autistic 11 year old boy? Nobody else in the park has a problem with them, just him.

So tomorrow, I'm taking the dog to the dog park to give this dickhead a piece of my mind. But I'm abit nervous and I need you guys to help me to not chicken out...

He is a dickhead and I agree that you need to take steps. But your new support worker is not fit for purpose. One unpleasant encounter and she wants to avoid taking the child she supports to his regular activity! Dickhead was condescending and a bit rude, and now she was to deprive your dc of something he loves because she's 'uncomfortable'? She's supposed to be helping him navigate things like this, not showing him that hiding away and avoiding is a justifiable reaction to unpleasant/uncomfortable. What training/qualifications does she have. I'd be speaking to the agency and asking for a new support worker.

And get your dog trained. Saying he's a typical juvenile male lab means he's bouncing round like an over energetic loon (is dickhead telling the dog to drop balls you've brought to the park, ir other people's?) and needs more training. I suspect that is the issue, rather than your son.

@Thingsdogetbetter

He is a dickhead and I agree that you need to take steps. But your new support worker is not fit for purpose. One unpleasant encounter and she wants to avoid taking the child she supports to his regular activity! Dickhead was condescending and a bit rude, and now she was to deprive your dc of something he loves because she's 'uncomfortable'? She's supposed to be helping him navigate things like this, not showing him that hiding away and avoiding is a justifiable reaction to unpleasant/uncomfortable. What training/qualifications does she have. I'd be speaking to the agency and asking for a new support worker.

And get your dog trained. Saying he's a typical juvenile male lab means he's bouncing round like an over energetic loon (is dickhead telling the dog to drop balls you've brought to the park, ir other people's?) and needs more training. I suspect that is the issue, rather than your son.

Thank you for your post. I was kinda expecting posts like these. My dog is not a robot nor is he perfectly trained. He has basic training and is generally well behaved for an inherently lazy dog kind of way. He is in no way the worst behaved dog in the park, and he is only just leaving puppyhood. His behaviour is very similar to others in the park, yet Mr Know-it-all jumps on him at the first opportunity. It's a dog park, not a party of those with impeccable manners, and the balls I'm talking about are spare balls just left in the park.

But, to answer to your question, it is most likely my dog. Mr Know-it-all's dog is a tiny fluffy thing that chases the ball obsessively, about 10 years old and has no time for mine. That's fine but doesn't mean his owner can be such a fuckwit to my son.

What a sad, pathetic bastard. Has he really nothing better to do?

Oh and I appreciate the feedback on the carers but I need my carers to help us with specific tasks and not to get into fights in the dog park with my son. I appreciate that others have different perspectives on this but I won't be commenting on this apsect any more on this post.

After the second time of this happening my dh would have been down there waiting for him. And if he didn’t go I would have been waiting. Tbh it’s unfair that You already knew this man would approach the care worker to have to warn her, you should have either told them to go else where or nipped it in the bud much earlier.

@Alltneteabagshavegone

After the second time of this happening my dh would have been down there waiting for him. And if he didn’t go I would have been waiting. Tbh it’s unfair that You already knew this man would approach the care worker to have to warn her, you should have either told them to go else where or nipped it in the bud much earlier.

Mate, lets nip this shit in the bud as well. My husband is disabled ( 6ft 4 and severly speech impaired), my son is autistic, my dog is a juvenile lab. This guy is a wanker. If anyone else wants to respond I appreciate it but I'm not entertaining the fact that somehow we are to blame for this situation.

If he approaches you at all tell him "if you approach my son again I will be passing on your details to the police for harassment and intimidation. Your interference in my child's life is unnatural and I'm sure the police will be very interested in your behaviour".

^ this.

Practice saying it, and be ready to say it when he (predictably) starts.

@LankylegsFromOz

I honestly think it's more that he finds both dog and son annoying. As hard as it is to say, my son can be annoying. He asks loads of questions and has no filter. My dog is abit annoying also, in a boisterous puppy way that probably only other lab owners understand.

Most adults can click that son is the way he is because of his asd. Mr Know-it-all has no patience with him because he is a bully.

It's hard to convey over the net but I seriously doubt it is anything else more sinister. The dog park is popular and he acts like the King, he isnt skulking around like some pervert. Everyone knows my son and dog as well, son is very popular there just because he does talk so much.

You don't have to report him to the police but you can tell him you're going to. So it's in his best interests to leave your son and his support worker alone.

Good luck OP! Work out what you're going to say, say it and then walk away. Agree with pp, don't get in an argument. Also, to help avoid in future could your son go to the park at a different time?

Give him what for, OP. I hate confrontation too - my twins are non verbal and autistic, approaching 4 and it’s only really been in the last 12 months that people have started with the staring and whispering because they’re getting to an age where they don’t act in a way that people expect for their age. We haven’t taken them to the park or similar for months and I’m absolutely dreading going back to those looks (I don’t think I can ever take them to a soft play ever again after the last time, it was awful).

Wish I had the balls to say something but I do not.

I hope it goes well. In my fantasy where I a brave person I’d be asking if it makes him feel like a big man to pick on a child with a disability (if that’s the term you choose to use of course). What an arsehole.

Some great advice on here re threatening to report. I would also say something along the lines of him clearly having an ‘interest’ in children that you will also report. It’s appalling behaviour. Hope you get sorted.

Have him OP! Hope all goes well and he backs the fuck off and leaves your ds alone.

Fucking hate bullies.

He sounds charming. What a wanker! It sojnds to me like this is more about him trying to intimidate and impress yhe young women in a warped fasion the way some men do. Your son and dog are his means of doing this. Agree with others - don't get into any argument. Just say your bit and walk away. Good luck.

Your son sounds lovely that he recognises the man's inherent sadness.

OP your son sounds like mine - also autistic and also talks a lot at people telling them historical/geographical facts - he can be frustrating because he also has no filter. I usually explain he’s autistic but most people are kind because he’s only 10. But this man in the park is bullying your son and he’s the one out of order and you should pull him up on it. I’ve seen people be mean to my child in a way he wouldn’t understand because of his struggles with social communication. I agree that this is a hate crime and I would just say to him that you don’t appreciate the way he acts around you son and in future can he not approach him or his support worker and if he persists you will have to contact the police. Keep calm and in control even though you will feel like ripping him a new one.

As for those criticising the support worker - please stop - many young women have problems standing up to bullies - stop victim blaming. If you had any idea how difficult it is to recruit a support worker you would realise that a good one is worth keeping. My son is low care needs, we pay for all expenses including petrol and food for the support worker and we have not been able to find one for six months.

I agree with previous posters who say that you don't need to make this about explaining or excusing the behaviours of your son or dog to this man, it isn't thoes things that is the problem. Then man's behaviour is the problem.

I would go with 'Hello, I've noticed that whenever we come to the park you get very involved with my son and dog, I'd prefer it if you left us alone so that we can enjoy the park. There is plenty of space for everyone to enjoy without having to interact with each other.' Then walk away. You don't need to hang around to drag it out. Get your husband to say the same thing next time her takes your son. Then ask your son's support to try one more trip tot he park, if he approaches again, I'd go down the reporting route.

Be prepared for him to get abusive and be sure to call the police. He sounds very odd.

I've seen the updates so my advice isn't quite right. And I have re-read your OP and realised that what you wanted was support in not chickening out. So, on your walk to the park keep repeating statements that make you feel calm and strong. When you arrive, that's when you might chicken out. Especially if you first have to look around to find this guy or there are lots of other people around. Decide on strategies for different scenarios. When you arrive, will you walk straight up to him or wait for him to come to you? If he is with a group of people, will you ask him to step away or say what you need to in front of them? I find that having thought through these things makes me less likely to flake. Best of luck OP. You and your family have every right not to be bullied.

@JJXM

OP your son sounds like mine - also autistic and also talks a lot at people telling them historical/geographical facts - he can be frustrating because he also has no filter. I usually explain he’s autistic but most people are kind because he’s only 10. But this man in the park is bullying your son and he’s the one out of order and you should pull him up on it. I’ve seen people be mean to my child in a way he wouldn’t understand because of his struggles with social communication. I agree that this is a hate crime and I would just say to him that you don’t appreciate the way he acts around you son and in future can he not approach him or his support worker and if he persists you will have to contact the police. Keep calm and in control even though you will feel like ripping him a new one.

As for those criticising the support worker - please stop - many young women have problems standing up to bullies - stop victim blaming. If you had any idea how difficult it is to recruit a support worker you would realise that a good one is worth keeping. My son is low care needs, we pay for all expenses including petrol and food for the support worker and we have not been able to find one for six months.

Thank you, we are exactly the same with trying to find support workers.

I'll be at the park tomorrow and every day until I get to say my piece. Ill come back and update you all. Thanks for your support xx

@Hotwaterbottlelove

I've seen the updates so my advice isn't quite right. And I have re-read your OP and realised that what you wanted was support in not chickening out. So, on your walk to the park keep repeating statements that make you feel calm and strong. When you arrive, that's when you might chicken out. Especially if you first have to look around to find this guy or there are lots of other people around. Decide on strategies for different scenarios. When you arrive, will you walk straight up to him or wait for him to come to you? If he is with a group of people, will you ask him to step away or say what you need to in front of them? I find that having thought through these things makes me less likely to flake. Best of luck OP. You and your family have every right not to be bullied.

Thank you! I'll be saying my piece in front of everyone. That way even if it doesn't go my way, everyone else at the park gets to hear me pull him up on his behaviour...

Just chiming in with my support, having a somewhat similar DS and very much not enjoying confrontations. I do find having a script helps, and rehearsing it is definitely worthwhile.
Your DS sounds absolutely lovely, btw.

@Hotwaterbottlelove

I agree with previous posters who say that you don't need to make this about explaining or excusing the behaviours of your son or dog to this man, it isn't thoes things that is the problem. Then man's behaviour is the problem.

I would go with 'Hello, I've noticed that whenever we come to the park you get very involved with my son and dog, I'd prefer it if you left us alone so that we can enjoy the park. There is plenty of space for everyone to enjoy without having to interact with each other.' Then walk away. You don't need to hang around to drag it out. Get your husband to say the same thing next time her takes your son. Then ask your son's support to try one more trip tot he park, if he approaches again, I'd go down the reporting route.

Thankyou. Its my first time posting, I appreciate your support 🙂

I would leave the dog at home today and go, but I would also have DH in the distance.

I am single, so would not usually say bring DH, but he might be handy if Knobhead acts up.

Thankyou so much for your messages of support. I so much appreciate this and I'll update you after my trip to the park. I'm still nervous but by fuck I'm going to let him know this shit is not on. . I love MN 🤩❤