AIBU to be upset and hurt by this lack of thought?

[hstredhead]

Long-time lurker here but this is my first post so be gentle!

Yesterday was my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary (what a milestone!) and my DM informed me that 'one or two' family members would be going to visit my DGPs to celebrate, give cards etc. I decided not to go as my parents are also hosting a mini party tomorrow at their house (which I will be going to), but some of my cousins can't attend that gathering. I also don't drive and my DP had been for a drink with some colleagues that afternoon - so I would have had to take a cab to get there.

This morning I woke up to see photo after photo uploaded to our family group chat of my DGPs with every single member of my DMs side of the family (cousins and all), and I am the ONLY family member missing. They essentially were having a family photoshoot without me.

Now, typically this wouldn't bother me per se, except for the fact that:

1. This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

1. Most importantly: my Nan is terminally ill, her treatment has been stopped and she hasn't got long left. I'm also extremely close to her and I know that those family photos with everyone in would have meant the world to her because it's highly likely that was to be the last time that her entire family will be together before she's no longer here. And I wasn't there.

AIBU to think someone should have told me that everyone had turned up so I could jumped in a cab to get there and not missed this last opportunity to all be together?

It's not so much about being in the photos, but seeing them all there together and knowing that I was the only person not there made me feel awful and it looks like I didn't make the effort to be there! I've been told I'm overreacting and being 'ridiculous', so I want to canvas some unbiased opinions!

TIA

This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

If this is something that happens ‘fairly often’ to you-you maybe should have thought it through? Was it your mum not wanting you to come and if so, why? Is the family dynamic hostile towards you?

You also say it’s only a half hour drive, but then say that you don’t drive. A half hour taxi there and back again would have been expensive. Would family members felt that if they’d told you it was more of a ‘party‘, that you’d have expected them to take/collect you? Is that why they don’t invite you to other things?

Sounds like you were invited and declined?

I think you’re being unreasonable. You were invited and said you didn’t want to go. They aren’t going to have thought “I know hstredhead said she didn’t want to come, but I bet she would have if she’d known we were here!”
I understand it’s upsetting but it’s not anyone’s fault really. They might even have asked “where is hstredhead?” to be told “she isn’t coming as she’s going to the other gathering tomorrow”. No reason to think “oh I bet we can change her mind” especially during a time when it would be plausible to think you were socially distancing from a large number of people anyway.

You were not left out though? You chose not to go!

But you chose not to go? You are being ridiculous sorry. They didn’t all secretly meet! You had all the facts!

@Fedup21 Thanks for your response! Perhaps I should have throught it through, and I wouldn't say the family dynamic is 'hostile' towards me, but I'm definitely the 'odd one out' I suppose you could say as I'm the only one who doesn't still live at home (my siblings both live with my parents) and I often get called the 'posh one' because I went to uni!
I never ask for lifts/expect to be picked up and I often will take a cab over to my parents if my DP isn't driving.

@OwlinaTree & @moklty I guess it's more about what I was declining - I was declining on the basis that my DM had told me it was just her and her brothers going to visit, not that the entire family would be there! I was never informed at any point that everybody else had turned up. That's something that would change my mind about attending because of how rarely we are all together. Still, I can see what you mean and in principle, I'd agree with you if I'd been declining something when I had all the details.

It's hurtful... yanbu

You didn’t think it was important and everyone else did. You can’t blame them for that?

Do you often decline then feel left out afterwards?

I'd be upset too OP but you can't be angry with them because you were invited.

It's a frustrating situation because I don't think anyone's at blame. Your mum might not have known how many people were going to come, and I doubt it'd have called you if I were her (as you'd declined).

Eh you chose not to go. Would it have been unfair if almost the whole family turned up the event you decided was worthy of your time on the family member who couldn’t make it?

Your update really makes it sound Mike you are making a huge deal out of something that was never about you.

You decided not to go. Fine. You now don't get to be pissed off because the people who did go enjoyed themselves.

@AnneLovesGilbert That's very unfair to say I didn't feel it was important - obviously I do otherwise I wouldn't be upset now! I just was told it would be my DM and her two brothers going so I didn't think it would be a big thing - I thought the big thing was the 'party' tomorrow. Instead everyone else turned up last night and I had no idea! I very rarely decline things when it comes to my family, I always go and make the effort.

Is it possible your mum didn’t realise your cousins were going? You’ll see them tomorrow & be able to congratulate them + get photos then. 2020 has been a crappy year for people being forced to miss milestones due to Covid... best to not dwell on it.

Perhaps you could photoshop yourself into one of the photos so it’s like you were there in spirit?

I can see why you are upset and I think you have a right to be upset.

However, think it’s one of those things that is no ones fault. You declined an invitation based on the information you had. Clearly at some point, this information changed but you didn’t know. However, because you had already declined, no one thought to tell you. Seems reasonable to me.

@moklty I'm not angry because my family enjoyed themselves, I'm glad they did! I just would have liked to have been a part of it, that's all. And yes, I did decline to go when I didn't know that everyone would be there so that is on me, but I just had hoped that someone might have let me know everyone had turned up, that's all. Obviously you think I'm being unreasonable though, and that's why I asked, so thank you for your opinion.

[quote hstredhead]@AnneLovesGilbert That's very unfair to say I didn't feel it was important - obviously I do otherwise I wouldn't be upset now! I just was told it would be my DM and her two brothers going so I didn't think it would be a big thing - I thought the big thing was the 'party' tomorrow. Instead everyone else turned up last night and I had no idea! I very rarely decline things when it comes to my family, I always go and make the effort.[/quote]
The point of going would have been to celebrate with your terminally ill GP not to see your cousins or for a photo op. So why does it matter that your cousins were there? It sounds like you feel you missed out FOMO rather than actually not seeing your GP. Rather selfish and immature.

Wow @redbigbananafeet, that's really harsh. I think I said in my OP that I know how much those pictures of all the family together would have meant to my nan - for all of her favourite people to have been in the same room. It's a sort of FOMO yes, FOMO on the last opportunity for us all to have been together in one place before she's not here. It was never about the pictures, but that's how I actually found out that everyone was there, so it was relevant to mention them. That might make me selfish and immature, but I don't think so.

I think it's your sadness at your GM's approaching end that is talking here, OP.

Can you turn it round and be glad that she had a wonderful day yesterday, and that you will see her tomorrow for another part of the celebration? Tomorrow will be another day for her to look forward to because it's not just a repeat of yesterday, as she will be seeing you!

Sometimes I see all my children together, and it's lovely, but I secretly prefer to see them just a couple at a time. It's less overwhelming and I get to talk to them properly. It's nice to have pictures with everyone in. but photos aren't finite, your GM can still have some nice ones with you in to put up alongside.

Enjoy your day tomorrow.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would be really hurt. Did your mum know the rest of the family would be there? Didn’t anyone say on the family what’s app group they would be there?

@Zaphodsotherhead thank you for your kind message, I think you're right there. I am incredibly sad and I'm not dealing with it very well, and I think this may have just tipped me over the edge. I just didn't want them to think I hadn't bothered to make the effort because I didn't think it was worth it - it wasn't like that.
We'll have a nice day tomorrow and I'll try to forget about it.

Blimey op. Clearly when your mother told you that was the plan, and it’s quite offensive to say you couldn’t be arsed to see your grandparents if it was just your mum and her siblings but if everyone was there you’d have went.

You were invited, you declined, the issue is yours.

That's harsh? She was thinking the big party as the next day.
I'd be hurt as I'd worry my bab may think I didn't care, wheb rest of grandkids did. Whereas if just her kids today (mum and her brothers) she wouldn't think that at all.

YABU. You were invited, you chose not to go.

I'd be hurt as I'd worry my bab may think I didn't care,

Eh? Why is that a reason to be hurt?

I'm really struggling to see why this is something that's turned into how OP (or you in the same situation) would be hurt. Actually hurt?

Honestly the chance to go was there. OP didn't take it. She is now 'hurt' because she missed out on a good time, not because of how her GP's will perceive her.

This is batshit. OP is making it all about her. It's fuck all to do with her. If she was that bothered about what her GP's would think about her absence she would have turned up!!

You declined the invitation because you couldn't be arsed. I imagine they're all saying how bad it was of you not to go especially when Gran is terminally ill.

Agree with pps. Your priorities are very wrong, and you sound very very selfish.