AIBU to be upset and hurt by this lack of thought?

[hstredhead]

Long-time lurker here but this is my first post so be gentle!

Yesterday was my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary (what a milestone!) and my DM informed me that 'one or two' family members would be going to visit my DGPs to celebrate, give cards etc. I decided not to go as my parents are also hosting a mini party tomorrow at their house (which I will be going to), but some of my cousins can't attend that gathering. I also don't drive and my DP had been for a drink with some colleagues that afternoon - so I would have had to take a cab to get there.

This morning I woke up to see photo after photo uploaded to our family group chat of my DGPs with every single member of my DMs side of the family (cousins and all), and I am the ONLY family member missing. They essentially were having a family photoshoot without me.

Now, typically this wouldn't bother me per se, except for the fact that:

1. This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

1. Most importantly: my Nan is terminally ill, her treatment has been stopped and she hasn't got long left. I'm also extremely close to her and I know that those family photos with everyone in would have meant the world to her because it's highly likely that was to be the last time that her entire family will be together before she's no longer here. And I wasn't there.

AIBU to think someone should have told me that everyone had turned up so I could jumped in a cab to get there and not missed this last opportunity to all be together?

It's not so much about being in the photos, but seeing them all there together and knowing that I was the only person not there made me feel awful and it looks like I didn't make the effort to be there! I've been told I'm overreacting and being 'ridiculous', so I want to canvas some unbiased opinions!

TIA

Op, make sure you take loads of photos at the party with yourself in them all.

Job done.

I understand... you were deliberately excluded. Your mum was horrible. My mum was similar, OP. She did the same thing with my grandmother. The photograph hung in the kitchen over her table, and I was the only one missing. I kept hearing about all the work my mother went to to get everyone together. Finally, over dinner one night I cracked and said, “You’d think she would have called me, then...”
“Oh... You were busy.”
Bitch.

Also agree with Bluntness- you weren't bothered about seeing gran when you thought it would only be you and a couple of others, but now you've seen the pics you're suddenly bothered?
Nah

I understand... you were deliberately excluded.

You clearly don't understand at all. OP was not excluded. OP was INVITED.

Justlou- you may have missed the bit where the OP says SHE decided not to go.

@moklty what is your problem? You've given me your opinion, you think I'm being unreasonable - fine, that's what I asked in this thread and your first post gave me your answer. But to keep on at me so harshly like I've PERSONALLY offended you for being upset about this is totally unnecessary.
My DM told me that she and her brothers were going to pop down to my DGPs and give cards, that's it. She asked if I was coming over but I said no as I'd posted my card and I'd be at the party on Saturday. Yes, I declined to go, but I had no idea that my entire family would be there. I care very much about what my DGPs think of me because I love them very much and we are close - I thought that none of the DGCs were going and then I ended up being the only one not there. I didn't want it to look like I hadn't cared enough to go and everyone else did - I didn't know that they were all going. It's not that I missed out on a good time - I'm sure the party tomorrow will be lovely, I'm just gutted that I missed the last opportunity for us all to be together with her because as I said in my OP, some of my cousins can't attend tomorrow.

If it had been important to you, surely you could have ordered a cab or asked your partner not to drink when with his colleagues and you could have gone together.

Are you upset because everyone else turned up and you think you look bad because you did not bother?

I have no problem. My last 2 posts were responding to other posters.

You seem to fall into the 'professionally offended' category of people who just feel sorry for themselves. The fact that it's a result of your own action just makes it that little bit more ridiculous.

You didn't give a fuck about seeing your GP's that day until you realised other people had. Now you are hurt

Grow up.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, you just sound very sad. If your mum didn’t know they would all be there, she could have texted you quickly when she saw they all turned up apart from you. and you could have made your mind up. It was just a misunderstanding.

If you didn't think it was important to go to when you were given the invite then you can't feel bad afterwards that the gathering now looked more fun than you thought it was going to be? You were either prepared to make the effort in the first place to attend or you weren't and it shouldn't have mattered whether a few extra cousins turned up or not?

People here are being horrible.

The event was mis-sold to the OP as 'one or two' family members going.
I'm sure if she'd been informed that it was a full-on gathering she'd have gone.

Comments about how the OP is upset because it 'looked more fun than you thought it was going to be?', 'I think it's your sadness at your GM's approaching end that is talking here', and how she's 'selfish' and 'didn't give a fuck about seeing your GP's are cruel, unkind, patronising and offensive.

So you declined an invitation to the momentous occasion of your DGP's 60th wedding anniversary, your DGM is terminally ill, and you are now peed off with your family?

It isn't down to your parents to contact you to say that, even though you've already declined the invitation, did you want to change your mind as all other family members are there. You have your own mind. Don't blame others for your mistakes or shortcomings.

I suggest that you spend as much time visiting your nan as you can. Don't leave anything unsaid or have any regrets. Perhaps go and spend some quality time alone with her.

I think anyone would be a bit miffed if they were invited to what they were told was just going to be a quick get-together of a few family members, they declined because they were going to a later get together anyway, and then they found that the first 'get together' had turned into an enormous family party!

What you were invited to wasn't what happened, and THAT is where the annoyance creeps in, because if OP had known that it was going to be a proper 'do', she would have gone!

Don't worry about it, OP. It's just a miscommunication. i don't think it was deliberate, and I doubt your GM will hold it against you! Tell her what happened when you see her, she'll know you didn't deliberately not come anyway.

And have you thought about maybe accessing some counselling for yourself when she's gone? It sounds as though her death will hit you hard.

You were invited. You did not go. You’re now upset that they took a picture while they were there. You are massively unreasonable and letting your FOMO get in the way of rational thought.

Your parents didn't necessarily know that all your cousins etc would be there. Maybe they did think only one or two were going. It doesn't really matter because you were invited and declined.

@moklty

I have no problem. My last 2 posts were responding to other posters.

You seem to fall into the 'professionally offended' category of people who just feel sorry for themselves. The fact that it's a result of your own action just makes it that little bit more ridiculous.

You didn't give a fuck about seeing your GP's that day until you realised other people had. Now you are hurt

Grow up.

I'm offended by your harshness and by posters telling me 'you don't care/give a fuck about seeing your DGPs' but I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable because that's why I created this post. I didn't, however, ask anyone for their opinions on how much I care about my DGPs and give a fuck about seeing them, because I do - a lot more than I could ever say. I did see them yesterday because I FaceTimed them yesterday morning (which I do once a week anyway) to congratulate them. I'm not someone who just turns up for the party but doesn't want to spend time with them. I'm upset because it would have been nice to be all together with her and I know she would have liked it, and I know she will have been disappointed that I wasn't there and that kills me (like I have said, we are very close). If I had known a simple 'pop down and give them a card' evening would have turned into essentially what was meant to be tomorrow's party, I would have been there.

I didn't want it to look like I hadn't cared enough to go and everyone else did

But you didn’t and they did? You will see them at the party tomorrow. The fact they all decided to go was their decision, your mother clearly didn’t know when you discussed it. You reviewed it and decided you didn’t wish to make the effort as you’d see them all Saturday. You need to own it.

The fact they all made the effort Apart from you doesn’t put them in the wrong. You clearly don’t think your mother lied to you when you discussed it, you just think someone should have phoned you and told you when it became apparent so you didn’t miss out and look bad.

Honestly op you need to take personal responsibility for your decision.

Maybe "just a few people" for a grandparents wedding anniversary IS their sons and daughters and grandchildren.

YANBU

A couple of relatives popping round to drop items over, it is sensible to decline when you have a mildly inconvenient journey and plans to catch up anyway.

Different to declining a full scale party.

It's the fact that the type of event that it was was "missold" to OP that is hurtful. And it seems unlikely that it spontaneously errupted into a full scale gathering.

op cant you just say to your dm .
I've seen all the pictures etc. I wish I had know everyone was going to be there or I would of come . But I was under the impression that is was only you and uncle etc going.
If she said she didn't know , just say well if I had known everyone was going then I would of been there .

Or something like that .
There's seems to have been a misunderstanding somewhere

I can understand you being upset and why you wouldn’t have gone if you’d thought it was one or two people and the main event was the next day. You obviously care. People are being dicks to you. Have you asked your mum if she knew the others were coming? Or if she didn’t realise?

I think you should learn to drive if your relying on your partner to take you or paying out for taxis. Then you could’ve taken yourself.

@VainAbigail I can drive - I have a license. But, I am an incredibly nervous driver and the north circular, especially during post-work rush hour, is hellish so I don't like to do that journey myself. Nevertheless, the problem isn't my DP not being available to drive, or getting a cab. I would have been happy to pay for a cab or even schlep it over by train if I had known that it was going to be a big deal. I didn't think my DM and uncles popping down to give them cards would require me to make the trip since I'd already posted mine. It turned into a big gathering without my knowledge - I'd have made the effort to go if I had known it would turn into a big thing. The only reason I didn't is because I knew I was going to see them tomorrow.

Yabu. You chose not to go, get over it

You declined, again. They work with what they have, I'm afraid.