AIBU to be upset and hurt by this lack of thought?

[hstredhead]

Long-time lurker here but this is my first post so be gentle!

Yesterday was my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary (what a milestone!) and my DM informed me that 'one or two' family members would be going to visit my DGPs to celebrate, give cards etc. I decided not to go as my parents are also hosting a mini party tomorrow at their house (which I will be going to), but some of my cousins can't attend that gathering. I also don't drive and my DP had been for a drink with some colleagues that afternoon - so I would have had to take a cab to get there.

This morning I woke up to see photo after photo uploaded to our family group chat of my DGPs with every single member of my DMs side of the family (cousins and all), and I am the ONLY family member missing. They essentially were having a family photoshoot without me.

Now, typically this wouldn't bother me per se, except for the fact that:

1. This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

1. Most importantly: my Nan is terminally ill, her treatment has been stopped and she hasn't got long left. I'm also extremely close to her and I know that those family photos with everyone in would have meant the world to her because it's highly likely that was to be the last time that her entire family will be together before she's no longer here. And I wasn't there.

AIBU to think someone should have told me that everyone had turned up so I could jumped in a cab to get there and not missed this last opportunity to all be together?

It's not so much about being in the photos, but seeing them all there together and knowing that I was the only person not there made me feel awful and it looks like I didn't make the effort to be there! I've been told I'm overreacting and being 'ridiculous', so I want to canvas some unbiased opinions!

TIA

I just wish someone had let me know instead of me having to find out by seeing all the lovely pics of my whole family together

But you don’t wish you’d just made a different decision and decided to go visit them irrelevant of who was there?

I think that’s the difference op between owning your decisions and making it someone else’s fault.

@MiddleClassProblem "I don’t understand how you say you didn’t know any grandchildren were going to be there when they whole point was because your cousins couldn’t make the party." I had no idea they were going and my DM didn't either. They may have decided to turn up because of that, but I certainly didn't know they were going to, and I'm not a mind-reader. I was told it would be my DM and her brothers popping down to give them their cards, and that's what I took it to be because my DM wouldn't have lied to me about that and I've never accused her of lying to me.

I have never mentioned how often I see my DGPs typically and it seems that posters on here think that I've just passed on an opportunity to see them like it's nothing. I saw my DGPs in person last weekend, and the weekend before that, and I'll be seeing them tomorrow. I am taking almost EVERY opportunity I can to see them, but short of moving back in with my parents, I can't travel over every single time my DM wants to pop 5 doors down to see them, or every time any other member of my family wants to visit. I try to visit at least once a week on average (pre and post lockdown restrictions) and I FaceTime in-between.

It is very rare that all 31 of us get together (yes, 31 including partners and kids) and so that is what I'm sad about - not being there the last time this could happen with my Nan present. There are a lot of us to get together and it's hard to coordinate (hence some not being able to make tomorrow), finding out they were all there last night and I wasn't really upset me.

I know I’ll get flamed for this but how have I got 75 responses in and no one has mentioned the fact we are in lockdown and there are grandparents, parents and cousins all going to this celebration and standing next to each other for photos.... not just yesterday but tomorrow as well?
Honestly baffled.

31 people?
Christ alive.

@Gogogadgetarms I hope you won't get flamed because it's a great point, and another reason I was so surprised to see those photos. When I've been visiting I've been keeping away and sitting in the garden with them using their side access. I thought that tomorrow was going to be the only instance of 'breaking the rules' because of the occasion and because my Nan had asked for this party for us all to be together one last time.
My DM and her brother's popping down to drop cards I get - I never expected, due to social distancing rules, that there would be a gathering last night as tomorrow was to be a one-time thing.
Apparently not.

I can understand you being upset about missing the photo opportunity however you could have gone, your mother invited you and you said no.
Perhaps the other grandchildren were also invited by their parents and they decided to go. Simple as that.

Ah, so now you didn't go because of respect for social distancing?
Give over.

How could the party on Saturday be the last time you would all have been together if your cousins were not going to be there? They probably went yesterday because their parents were going to be there. Nothing stopped you from being there, you were asked and turned it down, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself over a decision you made feel happy that your grandparents had a good time.

I am taking almost EVERY opportunity I can to see them

Adding this to my comment about you knowing your cousins would be there (whole point if the meet up because they couldn’t make the party) and the saying you never knew any grandchildren would be there.

You like to flip things to suit your narrative and exaggerate. Understandably you are bummed you missed out and look like the one who ruined the opportunity for everyone to be there but...

The reason you weren’t there was because you said no. Everyone else said yes, although more than originally planned. Why would you call someone who you deem lives far away who said no? And some might only be popping by as they live close so not there for very long and gone by the time you go there.

Just be mad at yourself, don’t blame anyone else. Shake it off and get your head back for the party.

@lancashirelady

How could the party on Saturday be the last time you would all have been together if your cousins were not going to be there? They probably went yesterday because their parents were going to be there. Nothing stopped you from being there, you were asked and turned it down, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself over a decision you made feel happy that your grandparents had a good time.

It’s OP changing the narrative again...

@hstredhead I can drive - I have a license. But, I am an incredibly nervous driver and the north circular, especially during post-work rush hour, is hellish so I don't like to do that journey myself

This is ridiculous. You have 1000 excuses as to why you couldn't go and none of them are your fault.

Just popping in on someones 60th anniversary is unlikely to be a 5 minute job, and even if it was you still could have gone. I'd drive for 30 minutes on a somewhat traffic-logged road (I've driven the A406 many times in rush hour, it isn't 'hellish', and there are other routes from Enfield to Essex) to see my elderly grandparents on the actual day, and would have expected that my other relatives would too. You didn't see the value in it since you would see them on Saturday and are now upset because people didn't scrabble to get you over.

@MorningManiacMusic I thought that the current climate was obvious and I didn't need to mention this in my OP - everyone knows the state of the world we're living in. I'm not saying I'm a saint, clearly tomorrow I plan to not abide by the rules, but I am saying that I didn't expect there to be another gathering yesterday. I didn't expect it full stop, but I also didn't expect it because of social distancing and how the focus had been on tomorrow as the occasion to gather together celebrate, not last night.

Nevertheless, your posts are aggressive, patronising and generally downright nasty, particularly this delight from your previous post: "I imagine they're all saying how bad it was of you not to go especially when Gran is terminally ill."

That might be how you'd treat some of your family members, but none of mine would bitch about me that way even if I HAD decided not to go for purely selfish reasons.

I've been told a couple of times to 'grow up' on this thread but I think you certainly need to take a long hard look at yourself - you're trying so hard to bring someone else you don't even know down for absolutely no reason, and why you'd choose to do that to someone who is clearly upset at the thought of losing someone close to them, I have no idea.

You think IABU and that's completely fine, I totally accept that. I just don't accept the nasty comments that have come with it.
Have a lovely weekend.

Sometimes things just evolve. It sounds like a small gathering was planned and everyone else who got an invite like your chose to go - you didn't. I don't think I would have expected anyone to call you and say 'actually everyone else is here' if you'd turned down the invite. I guess if your accepting or not was contingent on who else was there you could have contacted others to see who was going. I empathise with you with your GM being so ill but I think that may be clouding your judgement was yes I think YABU

Yes, you missed an opportunity there, but you chose not to go.

I am sorry you feel you missed out, OP, but how are you going to have a socially distanced party tomorrow with nearly 30 people?

All the best, anyway.

By the way, I don't think that the North Circular is that bad, as traffic on it never moves very quickly!

i can't see that the OP turned down an invite, by nan. to attend a gathering?

Just her mum saying she was going to drop in a card (ie a 5 min task, done on a doorstep to say hello/brief chit chat).

No gathering was planned from the sound of that remark.

She clearly states in her op her mum said they were going to celebrate. Not drop a card and stand on the door step for five mins. Who does that anyway?

I get what you are saying OP and the disappointment that you missed out on an opportunity for you all to spend time together. not sure why you have had such harsh responses from some, its not even a bad AIBU.

@IntermittentParps

People here are being horrible.

The event was mis-sold to the OP as 'one or two' family members going.
I'm sure if she'd been informed that it was a full-on gathering she'd have gone.

Comments about how the OP is upset because it 'looked more fun than you thought it was going to be?', 'I think it's your sadness at your GM's approaching end that is talking here', and how she's 'selfish' and 'didn't give a fuck about seeing your GP's are cruel, unkind, patronising and offensive.

She was not his sold anything. She was invited and declined. Her participation should have been based on her decisions and not what other chose to do. She is just complaining because she looks bad to the outside world because she couldn't be bothered to just see her grandmother. She only wanted to go because every other person went . She wanted to see the other people not her grandparent.

Leaannb, that's a very mean-spirited post. Why do you assume the OP is 'just complaining because she looks bad to the outside world' and 'only wanted to go because every other person went.'?

She says she's upset because it turned out to be probably the last big family gathering and photos that would include her nan. FFS.

There are posters here who read like they are personally involved, understand the situation better than the poster and know her and her family better than she knows them herself.

Someone has come to a board, asking for help and you feel the need to respond unkindly. Wonderful.

Yeah, the grumpsters are out in force today. Ignore them OP.

I decided not to go

Of course YABU. Very.

You’re suffering from post event FOMO

You regret not going because it turned into a knees up

That’s on you
Soooo YABU

I understand and would feel the same disappointment as you OP.