AIBU to be upset and hurt by this lack of thought?

[hstredhead]

Long-time lurker here but this is my first post so be gentle!

Yesterday was my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary (what a milestone!) and my DM informed me that 'one or two' family members would be going to visit my DGPs to celebrate, give cards etc. I decided not to go as my parents are also hosting a mini party tomorrow at their house (which I will be going to), but some of my cousins can't attend that gathering. I also don't drive and my DP had been for a drink with some colleagues that afternoon - so I would have had to take a cab to get there.

This morning I woke up to see photo after photo uploaded to our family group chat of my DGPs with every single member of my DMs side of the family (cousins and all), and I am the ONLY family member missing. They essentially were having a family photoshoot without me.

Now, typically this wouldn't bother me per se, except for the fact that:

1. This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

1. Most importantly: my Nan is terminally ill, her treatment has been stopped and she hasn't got long left. I'm also extremely close to her and I know that those family photos with everyone in would have meant the world to her because it's highly likely that was to be the last time that her entire family will be together before she's no longer here. And I wasn't there.

AIBU to think someone should have told me that everyone had turned up so I could jumped in a cab to get there and not missed this last opportunity to all be together?

It's not so much about being in the photos, but seeing them all there together and knowing that I was the only person not there made me feel awful and it looks like I didn't make the effort to be there! I've been told I'm overreacting and being 'ridiculous', so I want to canvas some unbiased opinions!

TIA

It must cost you a fortune in taxi and train fares.

Did everyone else know it was going to be a 'big thing' or did they just go along on the same day by coincidence?

You mentioned not being there due to having to get a cab because your partner was out with colleagues in your OP.

Presumably the maternal grandparent will be at the mini party? If so take plenty of pictures of you and her.

@ThickFast Thank you for being understanding - it's really upsetting to see people saying I don't care.
My DM didn't realise everyone was going to turn up - I'm sure if she had known when she initially asked if I was coming over, she'd have told me (and I'd have gone). I wish she'd dropped me a text letting me know that the entire family turned up because she knows I'd have come if I'd known. I appreciate she probably didn't think to but she knows me very well and she knows I only declined because it seemed like a small thing to make the trip for when the real celebration was meant to be on Saturday.

I think it’s not so bad if your DM didn’t know everyone was going to turn up. As in, she didn’t lie deliberately to exclude you. But I can understand you being disappointed still.

@VainAbigail I have an annual travelcard because I work in London, and I don't mind paying for cabs.

@FiveShelties honestly, I don't know how it ended up with everyone being there. I only know what my DM told me so I'm assuming my uncles told their kids something else?
Yes - I did mention the cab thing but it was more to show that for such a small thing (card-giving) I wasn't going to cab it there and back for something that seemed rather casual . My DM lives 5 doors down the road from my DGPs and my uncles live between 10 - 15 mins away so 'popping over' is something they can actually do.

I think it's a bit off to suggest you would have gone if you'd known it was a proper do but chose not to because you thought it was low key

'You decided not to go.' That is from your post. So sounds like you were invited but didn't go. Now you're annoyed that every one else did go. Maybe your Mum should have said they were expecting everyone there rather than only one or two people are going. But don't make a fuss about it. They have enough on their plate without you throwing a stropp about photo shoots.

They invited you and might have been hurt you declined but didn’t say so at the time. Can you imagine if roles were reversed and you invited someone over for a special event and there response was effectively ‘it’s not worth coming all that way just for you, I’ll wait until there’s a few more guests to make the journey worthwhile.’

Also in fairness to them, a big do might not have been planned - sometimes they just evolve. DH’s aunt turned 90 not long before lockdown. She doesn’t live near us but quite near DHs work. They have always been close. He was going to pop over with a card after work but hesitated when we heard she wasn’t having a ‘do’ just two DC and a couple of adult DGC over for tea. He took that literally and felt he’d be intruding. Luckily, unlike him, I understand his family dynamics and unspoken communications pretty well after 30+ of marriage and encouraged him to drop in as planned. I knew everybody would feel sad to not be seeing her on the day and would just turn up. Sure enough he got there to discover that every family member imaginable was there including his own parents and sisters (who all had told him just days before they weren't going as it was immediate family only ). The party went on until the small hours and he had a blast as did his lovely aunt.

@hstredhead

Long-time lurker here but this is my first post so be gentle!

Yesterday was my maternal grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary (what a milestone!) and my DM informed me that 'one or two' family members would be going to visit my DGPs to celebrate, give cards etc. I decided not to go as my parents are also hosting a mini party tomorrow at their house (which I will be going to), but some of my cousins can't attend that gathering. I also don't drive and my DP had been for a drink with some colleagues that afternoon - so I would have had to take a cab to get there.

This morning I woke up to see photo after photo uploaded to our family group chat of my DGPs with every single member of my DMs side of the family (cousins and all), and I am the ONLY family member missing. They essentially were having a family photoshoot without me.

Now, typically this wouldn't bother me per se, except for the fact that:

1. This happens fairly often to me. My immediate family and DM's side of the family all live in Essex, but I live in Enfield, and so I often don't get invited to things or things are planned and it is assumed that I won't come because I'm 'too far away' when actually I'm a 30-minute drive to my parents' house.

1. Most importantly: my Nan is terminally ill, her treatment has been stopped and she hasn't got long left. I'm also extremely close to her and I know that those family photos with everyone in would have meant the world to her because it's highly likely that was to be the last time that her entire family will be together before she's no longer here. And I wasn't there.

AIBU to think someone should have told me that everyone had turned up so I could jumped in a cab to get there and not missed this last opportunity to all be together?

It's not so much about being in the photos, but seeing them all there together and knowing that I was the only person not there made me feel awful and it looks like I didn't make the effort to be there! I've been told I'm overreacting and being 'ridiculous', so I want to canvas some unbiased opinions!

TIA

This was not a normal anniversary - it was their 60th and she is terminally ill. You were asked and you didn't go .

I think you are right to be upset about this. Your mother should have let you know as soon as she became aware that everyone else was there so you at least had the opportunity to go. People who are saying you declined.... yes, when it was a completely different event. Honestly you’ve had a hard time of it on here from some people. They’re being a bit pathetic and heartless just because they can, they’re probably just having a very boring day

It’s not your mums fault, you know you only have a limited amount of time with your DG, take this as a lesson learnt, don’t pass on any opportunity to see them as you’ll regret it as you have.

Do not try and pass the blame on to others. You were invited and declined, your cousins were invited and attended. You made your choice, take plenty of pics when you see them later.

I suspect that your mum said to you that she and her brothers were going over to your nan’s. I suspect the brothers each said to their kids that they and their brothers/sister were going over to your nan’s, and all the kids decided individually that they would go, except you who couldn’t be arsed.

You can’t really dress it up as anything else OP, you couldn’t be arsed to go when you thought it was just your mum and uncles, and now they’re in pictures and you will be notable in your absence.

You didn’t want to go. Why should your mum have thought “oh, I’m sure OP would come if she knew it was a photo opportunity.”

You need to take personal responsibility here. At the end of the day if you’re excluded from photos it’s because you can’t be bothered to be there unless there’s a photo opportunity.

The OP doesn't say 2 people were dropping off a card. It says "one or two" (which means anything really, one or two drinks could be 20 if you're that way inclined!) were going to "celebrate". OP's own words.

She also says it happens quite a lot, so undoubtedly there are unhealthy family dynamics. Possibly caused by others, possibly caused by them not inviting the OP who possibly has form for not going to things.

Ultimately, she feels bad because she missed out. Guilty probably. But it's totally unfair to blame others when she decided not to go.

@Viviennemary

'You decided not to go.' That is from your post. So sounds like you were invited but didn't go. Now you're annoyed that every one else did go. Maybe your Mum should have said they were expecting everyone there rather than only one or two people are going. But don't make a fuss about it. They have enough on their plate without you throwing a stropp about photo shoots.

I haven't made a fuss, I haven't even told my DM that I felt upset seeing everyone was there. My Dsis was the one who said I was overreacting, but we've never seen eye-to-eye. I wish people would stop reducing it down to the 'photoshoot' as it wasn't about not being in the pics as much as it was about not being there at all!

YANBU. You declined what you were led to believe was a small event. You DM should have let you know everyone but you were going. I'd feel hurt and I'd pull her up on it so hopefully it wouldn't happen again. But the damage is done isn't it. Id be inclined to post a comment on the group chat something like "gutted I wasn't there but Mum told me it was just her and .......". Let your Mum feel a bit embarrassed!

Don't expect everyone to read and understand your post OP, some will, many won't. I get what you mean, but perhaps yesterday's get together just escalated, as these things do sometimes. It's always trickier when you're the one who moved away.

Anyway if more people saw your GM yesterday, then you'll get more time, one to one, with her today. Have some pictures taken just the two of you.

Have a nice time with her, she'll be so pleased to see you.

Classic FOMO!

No one else is going- meh, I’m not missing out.

Others went and had fun- oh my god I should have been there!

I think it's a bit off to suggest you would have gone if you'd known it was a proper do but chose not to because you thought it was low key
That's a misrepresentation of what the OP's said. Are you deliberately misunderstanding or do you genuinely not get it?

Wow OP, I think some of these replies are pretty harsh. I read it as you were told just a couple of people would be going to your grandparents' today and you were under the impression that the big family do would be the next day, (the event you are going to). But it now looks like the big family event has happened and that you didn't bother turning up to it, so I can understand why you're upset.

I can also see why it upsets you when this seems to be a pattern of behaviour. You're the odd one out because you've moved (slightly!) away from the rest of your family and are labelled as 'the posh one' because you went to uni. So you've done things a bit differently to the norm in your family and maybe that's seen by some of your family as a personal rejection of 'their way' of doing things, or maybe that you think you're a bit 'above them' now, and then this is how your 'rejection' plays out in the family dynamic.

In short, I'd say YANBU!

To clarify: I have never said that I blame my DM for be not being there. I have said, outright, that I chose not to go on the basis of the information that was given to me about what last night was meant to be, which was my DM and her brothers popping over to give my DGPs their cards. I'd posted mine in advance and FaceTimed them earlier that day, so to save myself a journey (one I'm doing tomorrow instead), I decided not to head over last night as it's not really 'popping in' for me, and it seemed like the proper celebrations were reserved for tomorrow. That turned out not to be the case. I didn't know, my DM didn't know everyone would turn up (not her fault). All I said was that I had wished someone (my DM, DF, Dsisters, any of my cousins) had just dropped me a quick text to say that everyone was there together. I'd have jumped straight in a cab to be there with them all.
I'm not blaming anyone, I'm not pointing any fingers, I just wish someone had let me know instead of me having to find out by seeing all the lovely pics of my whole family together.

I’m really surprised at the responses you’ve had @hstredhead. I would also be upset if I’d been told that this was a ‘nipping over to nan’s with a card’ trip with a party arranged for literally a couple of days later and turned out to be actually the main event? Like, apparently nobody else has anything else they might need to do at that time so actually they’ll stick to the original plan?

I can understand why you feel gutted but it’s just one of those things that you make a choice and deal with the consequences. Could your mother have told you once everyone turned up? Possibly but, you’re an adult you made a decision and she isn’t your keeper. I imagine the family just got caught up with everyone being there, got involved in conversations and if you live a good drive away by the time you got there it could have been over. You were invited. Your mum didn’t know. It wasn’t malicious. I think it’s just something you need to take on the chin and enjoy the time with them tomorrow.

I don’t understand how you say you didn’t know any grandchildren were going to be there when they whole point was because your cousins couldn’t make the party.

Either way, if you are so fond of your terminally ill GP then why wouldn’t you want to take every opportunity to see them?

I think you are actually more made at yourself.

It takes you half an hour to get there, maybe some weren’t staying long, timings a bit mixed etc. Maybe no one knew everyone would be there. Why would they call someone who said they weren’t coming and lived what they seem far away?