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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see or speak to SIL

116 replies

junebug87 · 30/07/2020 15:56

We're due to visit DH's family in a few weeks time. We live a few 100 miles from them. His family are all based in Devon. Given the distance, we do not see them very often. I understand that this trip is important to DH as due to lockdown etc. he has not seen his parents and the rest of his family since January.

I have a fairly good relationship with MIL and FIL and they dote on DS. However, I have a fairly difficult relationship with SIL. We are very different and quite simply do not get along. This is a fairly recent thing and stems from some untoward and nasty comments towards me last year. I've never really forgiven her. These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on, particularly pictures of DS. DH can put one on and she's all over it and then I'll put something on and she just ignores it. She has also joined social media, adding every other family member, excluding me.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand her. Everything about her annoys me - how it's always about her, how tough she's got it, how my parenting is lacking - obviously not feeding DS properly or the face that at the age of 2 he still has a dummy. I don't want to be in the same room as her.

I know I have to just get on with it as it's only a few days a year , but I am worried that I will end up saying something I will regret to her as literally every little thing irritates me! She's just bagged a free spa pass because life has been tough these last few months - she doesn't work and is always off out doing things - and here are we working virtually full-time with a 2 year old.

Any pointers for getting through these days?!

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 30/07/2020 16:00

Does she live with your in laws? Do your MIL and FIL know there is an issue? Can you go out and do something nice on your own when she calls in to see your husband and child?

SassandBelle · 30/07/2020 16:00

Does she live with MIL and FIL? Can you see them without her there?

She probably feels the same about you, can't you just grin and bear it for the sake of your DH?

Original poster
junebug87 · 30/07/2020 16:02

No. she doesn't live with them. Yes, I probably could just grin and bear it, but I am filled with so much contempt, I know it will only take 1 comment for me to say something!

OP posts:
Codexdivinchi · 30/07/2020 16:04

You really don’t have to go at all. As an adult you get to choose where you go.

You have two options

Stay at home by yourself
Stay at home with the kids and dh goes by his self.

I don’t understand adults forcing themselves to visit people they don’t get along with for the benefit of other people. She will probably be relived if you don’t go

SassandBelle · 30/07/2020 16:07

I do understand the need to go even when you don't want to. I have the same with my in-laws.

If she doesn't live with them can you take DS out for a walk when she's around?

KingaRoo · 30/07/2020 16:08

I find that feeling sorry for people because they have such an unpleasant personality takes the sting out of their comments. If you can put yourself in a position of curiosity it helps e.g. she says something annoying and you think hmmm, I wonder why you are so insecure about your parenting that you like to criticise me about mine? I find that when people like this see that their unpleasant comments are met with mild amusement it infuriates them Grin

pussycatinboots · 30/07/2020 16:14

You could take the piss a bit Grin

"Oh, poor you, having to be gifted a pass instead of buying one like a normal person..."

Is she single?

"God, you must be gagging for a good shag after lockdown....luckily your brother and I are at it like rabbits..."

Obviously, some more adult posters will be along in a bit with some properly grown-up advice. Halo

pussycatinboots · 30/07/2020 16:16

I suspect KingaRoo and I are of a similar outlook on this occasion Smile

mondayfeels · 30/07/2020 16:19

I realise this isn't helpful to your situation but I'm so jealous that you only have to put up with this a few days a year! I also have a difficult SIL situation but I have to see them with much more frequency. It's strange, I've always been a girls-girl and have lots of female friends. But SIL relationships can definitely have a strange underhand competitive/territorial element to them that brings out a nasty side in some people.

katy1213 · 30/07/2020 16:21

IF you don't like her. don't go. You sound very childish if you're bothered about whether she comments on social media. Why should she? She's on it for her brother/parents, not for you. You'd probably be moaning even louder if she hadn't sent a birthday card at all. And you're jealous that she's got a spa pass and you haven't.
Do you think anyone will miss you if you don't turn up?

forrestgreen · 30/07/2020 16:22

Are your in-laws sympathetic. Can you organise dh going to see her but she doesn't come over when you're there?

forrestgreen · 30/07/2020 16:22

And how does your dh react to these digs?

SassandBelle · 30/07/2020 16:22

Why so nasty @katy1213 ?

BumbleBeee69 · 30/07/2020 16:23

I would give her it with both barrels OP.. and just so she understand that ignoring you on a whatsapp group is pathetic and nobody cares... but everyone can see how childish and cringe she is.... then enjoy the rest of your visit... she's clearly jealous of you .... do not let someone else's insecurities ruin your trip.. Flowers

adreamofspring · 30/07/2020 16:27

Sometimes distance and social media make these things worse. Face to face people have less courage to act like twats.

I dread trips to my in laws, which are few and far between, for similar reasons. For me I’m sure the build up feels worse than the actual event. If you go there, act nice, keep your head up and don’t take the bait then you’ll at least know you’ve done your best and can show DH you’ve tried so that - for future gatherings - you can be excused or get your DH to sort his sister out for being a cow.

Michelle Obama the shit out of it. They go low - you go high. Nice smiley emojis in reply to her what’s app messages etc and cover your arse so that you know you are the better person. I hate it though, you have my full empathy.

pickingdaisies · 30/07/2020 16:27

Is DH any help?

sadpapercourtesan · 30/07/2020 16:28

You need bullshit bingo. Brings my blood pressure right down when I have to sit through an afternoon with MIL.

RonnieBob · 30/07/2020 16:32

Sometime “saying something” is best.

Too often we put up with this shit to avoid a row. What’s wrong with a row?

Bonniegirlie · 30/07/2020 16:33

If my SIL treated me like that I would just refuse to go.Life is too short to put up with crap like that. Let your DH make his own plans and tell him to leave you out of them. Have a few peaceful, self indulgent days at home. Bliss

Jeezoh · 30/07/2020 16:34

You need to bite your tongue or limit your interactions with her for the sake of your DH who hasn’t seen his family in months and probably wouldn’t appreciate you using this time to have an argument. Don’t get drawn in by her, no reaction will annoy her more than you biting back - go for non-commital phrases if she says anything “thanks for the suggestion”, “mmm, that’s an interesting point of view” etc and drift away from the conversation.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/07/2020 16:34

@sadpapercourtesan

You need bullshit bingo. Brings my blood pressure right down when I have to sit through an afternoon with MIL.
I was just going to say this! I have a mental bingo card for my in-laws which means I'm almost wanting them to say certain things as I'm treating myself to a bag of crisps when I get a full house!

Or, just ignore, honestly. It's a few days. Just pretend she's not there, be polite and just treat her like you would any other stranger. Life's too short to be worried about, or get riled up about someone disliking you who you only see a few days out of every year.

IrmaFayLear · 30/07/2020 16:34

What was the inappropriate birthday card?! The mind boggles...

SunshineCake · 30/07/2020 16:35

I thought well say something then, it can't be any worse than it is now. Then I read how she has a free spa pass and I rolled my eyes.

You all need to grow up really. Ask to speak to her alone. Then say this isn't fair on anyone. Time for both to acknowledge wrong doing, apologise and move on for the sake of the grandparents, future relationship and human maturity.

Dummy at 2, not my choice but if you are sure it is for the best for the child then why are you letting her comment annoy you?

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 30/07/2020 16:37

I was just going to say this! I have a mental bingo card for my in-laws which means I'm almost wanting them to say certain things as I'm treating myself to a bag of crisps when I get a full house!

Or, just ignore, honestly. It's a few days. Just pretend she's not there, be polite and just treat her like you would any other stranger. Life's too short to be worried about, or get riled up about someone disliking you who you only see a few days out of every year.

This ^

Iloveacurry · 30/07/2020 16:38

If she says anything, just look at her, stare at her longer than you should and say nothing. Silence is golden. It would wind her up rotten!