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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to see or speak to SIL

116 replies

junebug87 · 30/07/2020 15:56

We're due to visit DH's family in a few weeks time. We live a few 100 miles from them. His family are all based in Devon. Given the distance, we do not see them very often. I understand that this trip is important to DH as due to lockdown etc. he has not seen his parents and the rest of his family since January.

I have a fairly good relationship with MIL and FIL and they dote on DS. However, I have a fairly difficult relationship with SIL. We are very different and quite simply do not get along. This is a fairly recent thing and stems from some untoward and nasty comments towards me last year. I've never really forgiven her. These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on, particularly pictures of DS. DH can put one on and she's all over it and then I'll put something on and she just ignores it. She has also joined social media, adding every other family member, excluding me.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand her. Everything about her annoys me - how it's always about her, how tough she's got it, how my parenting is lacking - obviously not feeding DS properly or the face that at the age of 2 he still has a dummy. I don't want to be in the same room as her.

I know I have to just get on with it as it's only a few days a year , but I am worried that I will end up saying something I will regret to her as literally every little thing irritates me! She's just bagged a free spa pass because life has been tough these last few months - she doesn't work and is always off out doing things - and here are we working virtually full-time with a 2 year old.

Any pointers for getting through these days?!

OP posts:

CambsAlways · 30/07/2020 18:41

Well I would go, as you are a family your DH gets to see his mum n dad and they get to see you all, I wouldn’t let this nasty cow get what she believes is one over on you, she sounds very strange to say the least, I would laugh out loud every time she said something nasty, don’t react to her OP. It will upset her more she’s making a complete arse of herself! And so unbelievable envious of you, if she’s in her parents house from 7am till bedtime sounds as though she’s very lonely, she hasn’t got what you have got has she, that’s why she’s saying these things, she’s envious of you all, I do think her brother though should say something to her , he should have your back

Gomezzz · 30/07/2020 18:43

I understand if she has made horrible comments you want to keep your distance, but I don't really understand the whatsapp thing. If you don't like each other why would she respond to everything you post? Wouldn't you find that more annoying to constantly have her commenting? I don't answer every message on the family whatsapp and I get on well with my famliy.

pictish · 30/07/2020 18:54

I think she’s most likely jealous of you and possessive over her brother, the silly bitch.
I don’t know why anyone is giving you a hard time here, I’d feel disrespected by the behaviour you describe too and I’m not a delicate flower by any means. She’s being horrible.

Personally I’d tell her to fuck off. Experience tells me it’s likely to offend but frankly I wouldn’t care. If she wants unfriendly she’d get it.

Porcupineinwaiting · 30/07/2020 19:05

One thing you could consider is not staying with your inlaws, as then you'd be able to limit exposure to her during your visit.

Is she single and in their bubble? If not can you feign great COVID anxiety and ask that she not come into the house?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/07/2020 19:08

Just let your DH go with the kids or invite your parents in law to stay with you instead. Problem solved.

Butchyrestingface · 30/07/2020 19:08

Perhaps, but I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant being made to feel frozen out with very personal remarks about me / the way I look and how her brother is obviously deeply unhappy having married me?

Was that what she said in the 'inappropriate' birthday card? I was picturing a bit of a risqué cartoon/message. Without knowing in what way the card was 'inappropriate', it's hard to know who if anyone was at fault in the first place.

I also read the OP as indicating the problems between them, notwithstanding their different personalities, arose only very recently and that, presumably, they got on okay before this episode.

It'a all by the by though. Just don't go. Ignore the being ignored on the WhatsApp group and social media.

Coldspringharbour · 30/07/2020 19:12

Kill her with kindness. Rise above her. If she says anything negative, come back with something to lift the conversation rather than retaliate. Be the bigger person, you can do it 💐

Tappering · 30/07/2020 19:16

I'd smother her with kindness - as in go really overboard.

You look tired/fat/old: But you look so good today! You really do! Your hair looks great and I love that top, it really suits you. I can't wear turquoise but it really works on you.

Your parenting is totally inadequate: Oh SIL, yes you know how difficult young children can be. But you do such a great job and make it look so easy!

That kind of thing. Absolutely smother her. Every time she says something nasty, turn the subject round and praise the living shit out of her. It will do two things - totally wrong-foot her because she won't be expecting it, and show her up to others, because it will be obvious that she's being a total bitch and you are being absolutely lovely to her.

Ultimately it might cause her to lose interest altogether, because it takes a huge amount of commitment to carry on bullying someone who not only refuses to rise to it, but lavishes praise and compliments on you when you do.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 30/07/2020 19:20

Have you previously posted about the card op?

lljkk · 30/07/2020 19:25

Gosh, just me then, I read it like a reverse.

She got a spa pass: so what? Her gain isn't why you didn't get a free pass. Why are you so jealous?

I've never really forgiven her
ok fine, your decision. But it isn't a credit to your character that you can't forgive someone.

Everything about her annoys me
You hate each other: no wonder you're not on each other's WhatsApp or social media! You hate everything she does or says, no wonder she dare not comment on pics of your DS.

There's a parallel universe where the 2 of you have a frank conversation:

"Hey I know you hate me & I hate you, but can we agree to be very supportive of the mutual people in our lives whom we both love, and be nice when around them?"

"Fine by me."

Tappering · 30/07/2020 19:34

Have you previously posted about the card op?

I wondered this. OP are you the poster with the SIL who wants separate WA groups for everything, and who kicked off royally when you posted an update in the 'wrong' group?

sillysmiles · 30/07/2020 19:35

Completely against the grain of the pp but everything in you OP is about you. You hate her - why would she comment or speak to you when you constantly give off an air of hating her. Why would she put herself out there.
You haven't forgiven her - over a card? And she's immature.

I don't question you and her do not have a good relationship, but I don't think, based on what you've said in you op, that it is all down to the SIL.

Malbecfan · 30/07/2020 19:37

OP where in Devon? If you are in the E/S, PM me and we can have a socially distanced meet-up.

stayathomer · 30/07/2020 20:00

All the people talking about funny or giving you comments, that's all very well but not in real life is it? If your dh only sees his family a few times a year he doesn't need that going on, you've a few days to have a good time and it's not fair on anyone. Be the bigger person and just go on as normal, that or dont go, but I honestly think we build these things up when we dont see people and you're more likely to end up having a great time

Rebelwithallthecause · 30/07/2020 20:03

My SIL sounds just like yours

You have my sympathy

I hate the forced family gatherings as she pretends to be all nice in front of everyone and reverts as soon as people are out of sight and ear shot

DarkDarkNight · 30/07/2020 20:09

I’ve read your updates and don’t think you’ve mentioned if she has children. If she doesn’t I think that could be a root of it. Maybe she would like a family and is resentful that you have made her parents grandparents before her.

I think you need to choose how you want to approach it. Either bring her up on it in a polite manner every time she says something rude or put in your best serene face and just let it all wash over you.

I know it’s hard but you need to try to relax. I can feel your anger and if you boil over you will lose any sympathy, so unclench. It’s only a few days.

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