To not want to see or speak to SIL

[junebug87]

We're due to visit DH's family in a few weeks time. We live a few 100 miles from them. His family are all based in Devon. Given the distance, we do not see them very often. I understand that this trip is important to DH as due to lockdown etc. he has not seen his parents and the rest of his family since January.

I have a fairly good relationship with MIL and FIL and they dote on DS. However, I have a fairly difficult relationship with SIL. We are very different and quite simply do not get along. This is a fairly recent thing and stems from some untoward and nasty comments towards me last year. I've never really forgiven her. These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on, particularly pictures of DS. DH can put one on and she's all over it and then I'll put something on and she just ignores it. She has also joined social media, adding every other family member, excluding me.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand her. Everything about her annoys me - how it's always about her, how tough she's got it, how my parenting is lacking - obviously not feeding DS properly or the face that at the age of 2 he still has a dummy. I don't want to be in the same room as her.

I know I have to just get on with it as it's only a few days a year , but I am worried that I will end up saying something I will regret to her as literally every little thing irritates me! She's just bagged a free spa pass because life has been tough these last few months - she doesn't work and is always off out doing things - and here are we working virtually full-time with a 2 year old.

Any pointers for getting through these days?!

I think Katy123 is the sil.

@junebug87 don't go. They're his family, not yours. I'm an antisocial old bag probably, but life's too short to be around people you don't like.

If she tries to freeze you out or make unpleasant comments, she is trying to get a reaction.

I’d deny her the satisfaction. If you spend the trip being sweetness and light, in contrast to her trouble making, she’ll just look petty and immature.

Annoying as it is, I’d grin and bear it. It’s only a couple of days.

Just say something if she annoys you

I think @katy1213 might be your SIL?

It's hard to get this place - but honestly once you genuinely don't care what a person thinks it is so liberating.

So I think the thing is to work out why you care what she thinks - which in itself is entirely normal - she's your SIL of course you want her to be someone who's opinion you value. But then work out why in this particular instance you don't value her opinion - write it down maybe. And repeat it to yourself a million times. And then at some point in time hopefully you really won't care - and then her comments will be genuinely water off a ducks back.

Someone once said to me, "don't let the opinion of idiots ruin your day" one of the wisest comments I've ever heard. I alter it sometimes to "don't let idiots ruin your day". Helps me and I'm a chronic over thinker.

I feel very similar about my SIL but I see her every month or two. You have three choices really; grin and bear it, snap back at her and deal with a full blown argument, or dont go. I personally choose to grin and bear it and when it gets bad I snap or DH has a word. Unfortunately it's just part of family life sometimes. Just be thankful she isnt someone you have to regularly face.

So what were the comments about you and why was the card inappropriate?

I'm another one who enjoys a bit of in law bullshit bingo! At Christmas I've also been known to play a little secret drinking game with myself to make the day go quicker and their company more tolerable. I drink everytime FIL references "political correctness gone mad" or moans about "millenials", everytime MIL says something bitchy about a family member who has just left the room and every time SIL tells an obvious lie or talks over someone to change the topic of conversation back to herself. By mid-afternoon I'm usually too pissed to be irritated by them.

Oh katy is DEFINITELY your SIL....

Grey rock her. Drives them crazy when you won't engage.

If @katy1213. Is your SIL I sympathise . 😀

She is obviously rude , has no manners , and jumps to conclusions .

If she says something inappropriate I would just smile sweetly and say “ that’s quite rude “

No other comment and move in to another subject .

Visiting the others instead.
Shamelessly place marking to hear details on the inappropriate birthday card

*visit

I like the bingo idea, and I'd take it a step further and write it down on a card and get out a pen and mark things off, and get visibly excited when you're nearly at a line.

I'd be extra nice to her, so that she ends up losing her rag and disgracing herself in front of her DPs.

"A free spa pass? How wonderful, and you so deserve it."

"Yes, I know DC is a bit old to still have a dummy but I can't bring myself to upset him by taking it off him. I just don't have your awesome parenting skills, DSIL".

But then I'm childish. It does work though, the bitchy person has to be nastier and nastier until eventually they do or say something unspeakable and friends/family tell them to pack it in.

Disengage totally. At the first sign of anything silly being said I'd be off.

Ignore, ignore, ignore

And if any other inlaws say anything "I just feel sad and angry about Sil, she freezes me out and criticises me all the time". Factual and authentic.

If you are angry it's maybe because part of you would like to be friends (bc your normal) but you can't with someone like that so I'd just visually shrink her to toddler size in my head and act accordingly i.e. not pay any attention to tantrums or manipulative behaviour.

Deep breaths and minimalist conversation.

Feel for you, had same with ex-sil. Good luck.

I don't understand why you are going. I wouldn't.

Have you considered getting tactical migraines? You need to go and lie down with a good book instead of meeting up with SIL.

I get genuine migraines myself, but I can't help thinking that they have huge potential as an excuse. They're not infectious, have no visible symptoms and can disappear at any point. They may have no discernable trigger, although helpfully they can sometimes be caused by stress, which would explain why the prospect of meeting your SIL always brings one on....

@katy1213 are you the SIL?

Oh hello Katy! Well at least we’ve find each other online!

@pussycatinboots

You could take the piss a bit

"Oh, poor you, having to be gifted a pass instead of buying one like a normal person..."

Is she single?

"God, you must be gagging for a good shag after lockdown....luckily your brother and I are at it like rabbits..."

Obviously, some more adult posters will be along in a bit with some properly grown-up advice.

I love this!

IF you don't like her. don't go. You sound very childish if you're bothered about whether she comments on social media. Why should she? She's on it for her brother/parents, not for you. You'd probably be moaning even louder if she hadn't sent a birthday card at all. And you're jealous that she's got a spa pass and you haven't.
Do you think anyone will miss you if you don't turn up?
Sorry OP, but I agree with this .....you’re coming across as thin skinned and juvenile. If you can’t get a thicker skin...don’t go; you’ll sour the trip for everyone else. I sympathise with your DH not seeing his folks since Jan.,.thats a long time and 100 miles is not very far. I hope he has a lovely time catching up after all these months.

If you were at work, you would nod, smile and ignore.

If you can do it then, you can do it for a few days too.