To not want to see or speak to SIL

[junebug87]

We're due to visit DH's family in a few weeks time. We live a few 100 miles from them. His family are all based in Devon. Given the distance, we do not see them very often. I understand that this trip is important to DH as due to lockdown etc. he has not seen his parents and the rest of his family since January.

I have a fairly good relationship with MIL and FIL and they dote on DS. However, I have a fairly difficult relationship with SIL. We are very different and quite simply do not get along. This is a fairly recent thing and stems from some untoward and nasty comments towards me last year. I've never really forgiven her. These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on, particularly pictures of DS. DH can put one on and she's all over it and then I'll put something on and she just ignores it. She has also joined social media, adding every other family member, excluding me.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand her. Everything about her annoys me - how it's always about her, how tough she's got it, how my parenting is lacking - obviously not feeding DS properly or the face that at the age of 2 he still has a dummy. I don't want to be in the same room as her.

I know I have to just get on with it as it's only a few days a year , but I am worried that I will end up saying something I will regret to her as literally every little thing irritates me! She's just bagged a free spa pass because life has been tough these last few months - she doesn't work and is always off out doing things - and here are we working virtually full-time with a 2 year old.

Any pointers for getting through these days?!

You have my sympathy. My SIL is awful. I did the grey rock with her and she has blatantly got worse to the point others are seeing it.

But SIL relationships can definitely have a strange underhand competitive/territorial element to them that brings out a nasty side in some people.

This is so true. My SIL is not married and I believe she spends the majority of her time plotting how to manipulate people. It’s toxic!

A great opportunity to call her out on it!

Her desire to be a bitch does not override your desire to tell her to stfu whenever the situation arises op.
Make sure you drag dh off for a few early nights when she is there. Watch TV in bed /shag. Delete as appropriate..

Ask dh to tell his parents, you both prefer it will be you and them only, as you would like to spend some quality time just with them, and that dh will pop over to sil for a short visit.

katy1213 no matter the back story, being inclusive is best when dealing with family. You wouldn't wish on your brother to be divorced, would you? And you wouldn't like things escalating to the point where you won't see your brother and his children again either?

@Kasparovski

Go out with the PILs and ask aunt to babysit ....most nights? If she’s jobless offer her fair pay. There’s a thought.

the OP didn't say she was "jobless", she said she didn't work, maybe she is a SAHM?

With that sort of spiteful vitriol, no wonder people don't get on..

Regardless, no way would I leave my baby with someone I can't stand!

Wow, you are in exactly the same position as I am in with my SIL OP, who also lives 100’s of miles away so thankfully I only have to see her once, twice a year if I’m unlucky

She just completely ignores me and is all over DH. Will barely even say hello to me and revels I’m leaving me out, hates that another female has dared entered her family etc. I was polite for years but I’m actually done now too so I feel your pain.

I haven’t seen my SIL since Christmas and have to see her in September for the first time as we’re making a trip up to visit the IL’s. She doesn’t live with them but my god does she make sure she’s at their house 24/7 if I’m there. Even stays the night, despite the fact she lives 3 streets away from them, she can’t bare the thought of me being there and her not as that would mean she wouldn’t be getting their attention and I would

Honestly, I just ignore her now pretty much. I’ll say hello and then just ignore her and if she makes convo with me then fine, I’ll speak to her but I stopped going out of my way to be nice to her about a year ago now and it’s so liberating. I have also told DH that I’ll no longer put up with her rude shit and if she’s rude to me I’ll call her out on it. And I would too. Incidentally, since I told DH that and made a resolve to myself, she’s actually been a bit better. I think she knows I’ve had enough and won’t put up with it anymore.

Honestly no advice except I don’t see the problem in going hard on her arse if she’s rude. Fuck being nice, it’s because we’re nice they’ve been able to treat us like shit for so long.

I’m already dreading the September visit and have already told myself if she’s rude I’ll say something, but I’m hoping to just avoid her as much as possible and just get it over with. It’s only 2 days for us (though that’s a long bloody time when you're stuck with someone you can’t stand) I’d just say hello and then busy yourself with your DC. Avoid her as much as possible and if she’s rude, call her out or tell your DH that you’re taking the car and leaving, he can get the train back and tell his family why.

I would just tell DH to take DS and go without you.

If he asks you why tell him, if your PIL ask you tell them.

Obviously you invite PIL up to see you instead?

DH has afriend who stays with us for a few weeks every couple of years. i detest his wife. Detest.

She always has something to say - about my weight, about my parenting- about whatever.

last time she came I decided to go overboard on the hospitality. Be very warm and we,coming and to really throw myself into it.

You know what? It worked. I had a good couple of weeks. She was mroe realxed in my home and we became- if not close- at leats people who could have a bit of a laugh. I 'leaned in' to use the Sheryl Sandberg phrase.

I recommend it. If nothing else it makes a bad time you are dreading better. Do it for your own sake if not anyone elses!

be interested in her. Be relaxed around her. Be pleased to see her and engage with her. You might be surprised. (I hope you are surprised!). if not and she continues to be ghastly then you have earned mega brownie points for being gracious and open.

and good luck.

She sounds ridiculous. I wouldn't want to be in her company either. But I wouldn't worry about saying something I'd regret- because I wouldn't regret telling her to shut the fuck up and go and witter at someone who cares what she has to say :)

I'm not sure the pp thinking the op is BU have experienced this sort of individual and this sort of behaviour, either.

I can see Katy1213's point as well tbh, although perhaps not the last sentence.

being frozen out on the family whatsapp group

I'm not even on my family's WApp group to be frozen out. Not a choice by me - I only found out there was one quite recently because a couple of people belatedly realised that I had no idea what was going on with a family member because I wasn't seeing the updates posted there.

The solution is for someone to remember to email me the information - not to add me to the WApp group.

It's irritating and comedic in equal measure. I've never asked why I'm not included and, tbh, I'm fairly sure that I'm not missing much apart from drama and medical updates on various people. If any of my family were asked, I think they'd be hard put to it to come up with a reason for excluding me initially but it would now be, "You never asked to join the group you didn't know existed ".

So what is your husband doing to support you? Is he telling his parents and sister her behaviour is unacceptable? If not then you have, as is often said on MN, a DH problem.
I wouldn't allow myself to be excluded while my DH and DC went to the ILs - SIL gets what she wants then. I would be expecting support from my husband and for him to defend me and challenge SIL on my behalf.
I think frank discussion with your PIL is well overdue.

Btw, re the inappropriate b'day card (whatever it was), I would reciprocate by buying her a really shit one from Wilco's or the like! The sort that has pastel flowers on it and gushes about how special she is in your heart etc. She will know that it's shit. You will know that she knows that it is shit, but if she ever slags you off to anyone for sending her a nice effusive card, she will come across as a real bitch! Kill her with insincere kindness! 😉

Was there a previous thread about this sil . Nasty comments and inappropriate birthday card . ?

Like this one OP!

Punch her in the fanny. At least if you're going to go out, do it in style...

The most beautiful county in England and you stay indoors with the in-laws? Such a waste - go out, enjoy the place, take the parents out as they probably haven't seen much of it themselves for the last four months, don't come back until teatime (or after a lovely meal) and then be too busy sorting the kid out to sit down and be sniped at.

You're probably on mute in the WA group, by the way, so she doesn't see your messages. I'd recommend doing the same.

Or take a leaf out of the mad Duggar book and start calling her your sister in love

To be honest I would just ignore it. Some people just don’t get along and just because you have married her brother doesn’t mean you have to be friends.

I get along. with my SIL on a superficial level, but we would never be friends if we weren’t related by marriage, we’re so different. Your SIL is entitled to chat on a WhatsApp group with her own family and I would just remove myself from it if you’re not being included as you would like. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if my SIL didn’t have me on her social media. I’m married to her brother, not her.

Say something. Every time. Whatever shit she pulls, you call it out every time.

‘Your brother and I do X with our kids. It’s what works for our family’

‘We are very happy, thank you for your concern.’

Could you not just go about things when seeing your SIL,as in ignoring her bitchy comments etc, and kind of feel sorry for her,that she has these bad manners towards you. Others must see that she can be bitchy too. You can actually teach yourself to not get annoyed ,or dislike people.. much less stress that way.

How does your husband deal with it when your parenting is being criticised?

What did he say about the comments last year?

I think that answering back all the time could make you seem as nasty as her.

You have 2 choices, from what you’re saying.

1. Tell DH he’s going without you. Enjoy a child free week doing stuff just for yourself.

2. Go, organise lots of outings, take out pil (ooh, sorry, sil, we’re taking out pil to X, see you later) and absolutely go medieval on her if she so much as looks at you funny. Is she saying stuff to your face? DH needs to step up, you need to lose it with her. She sounds jealous of you, you’ve replaced her in DH’s life.

Currently, she’s stamping all over your boundaries. Stop allowing this and fgs, get your dh on board.

Just make yourself a bingo card and quietly tick it off to amuse yourself every time she says or does something rude to you.

And who cares if she doesn't 'like' your pics on SM. Seriously. WGAF? At least you know where you stand with her, so just be studiously polite and remember you're not friends when you share things and she's around.