Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see or speak to SIL

116 replies

junebug87 · 30/07/2020 15:56

We're due to visit DH's family in a few weeks time. We live a few 100 miles from them. His family are all based in Devon. Given the distance, we do not see them very often. I understand that this trip is important to DH as due to lockdown etc. he has not seen his parents and the rest of his family since January.

I have a fairly good relationship with MIL and FIL and they dote on DS. However, I have a fairly difficult relationship with SIL. We are very different and quite simply do not get along. This is a fairly recent thing and stems from some untoward and nasty comments towards me last year. I've never really forgiven her. These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on, particularly pictures of DS. DH can put one on and she's all over it and then I'll put something on and she just ignores it. She has also joined social media, adding every other family member, excluding me.

I don't want to see her. I can't stand her. Everything about her annoys me - how it's always about her, how tough she's got it, how my parenting is lacking - obviously not feeding DS properly or the face that at the age of 2 he still has a dummy. I don't want to be in the same room as her.

I know I have to just get on with it as it's only a few days a year , but I am worried that I will end up saying something I will regret to her as literally every little thing irritates me! She's just bagged a free spa pass because life has been tough these last few months - she doesn't work and is always off out doing things - and here are we working virtually full-time with a 2 year old.

Any pointers for getting through these days?!

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 30/07/2020 17:18

Why should she have to though?
My mother can be difficult sometimes. I never inflict her on other people if they don't want to go. She's my problem, not theirs.

ohdearmymistake · 30/07/2020 17:19

welcometohell That's so funny Grin

Love the bingo game, imagine every time she says something irritating you can smirk thinking of the lovely treat you have waiting.

pussycatinboots · 30/07/2020 17:19

Thank you, Felicity

DH suggested another:
"Are the hairdressers still closed, oh dear, your poor split ends...and those roots "Shock

RincewindsHat · 30/07/2020 17:20

How is it that your SIL is the one being petty and unpleasant, but people are saying you're the one who's juvenile?!

I would not bother going, she is not worth your energy. If nobody else is going to call her out on her rude behaviour, your partner included, there's nothing to be gained by going.

Kasparovski · 30/07/2020 17:20

Oh. I agreed with @katy1213...it all sounds a bit pathetic doesn’t it? Hardly worth having a bloody tantrum about. The OP shouldn’t go, it’s a simple as that. I hope her DH and son do go and have a nice time. There’s zilch in her thread about her DH having not seen his parents for 6 months, it’s him I feel a bit sorry for tbh.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 30/07/2020 17:20

@SantaClaritaDiet

If you were at work, you would nod, smile and ignore.

If you can do it then, you can do it for a few days too.

Definitely

also hanging around wondering how bad the card was

Kasparovski · 30/07/2020 17:22

If really she wants to go...take a book and pair of earplugs if the smallest snipe is going to make her flip.

user1498572889 · 30/07/2020 17:25

Either go and grin and bear it or don’t go and have a peaceful time by yourself. Perhaps a good row will clear the air.

Original poster
junebug87 · 30/07/2020 17:27

Ok so I’m petty and childish? Perhaps, but I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant being made to feel frozen out with very personal remarks about me / the way I look and how her brother is obviously deeply unhappy having married me? Those are just plain nasty comments so a bit of context for my pathetic behaviour!! Also trying to take over mothering my son because I have no idea!

OP posts:
Stoic123 · 30/07/2020 17:27

100%% agree with earlier grey rock recommendation.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/07/2020 17:29

It's possible to visit PIL and not see SIL. They aren't joined at the hip!
It's your husband's responsibility to say to his folks that while you visit, you don't want to see SIL because she is so rude. He ought to be dealing with his sister's behaviour.

Original poster
junebug87 · 30/07/2020 17:31

I wish it were that easy. She is there 24/7 when we visit. She’s knocking at the door from 7am to get in and never leaves until just before bedtime!

OP posts:
pussycatinboots · 30/07/2020 17:34

You're just going to have to tell her to back the fuck off when it comes to your DC.

Be blunt.

FelicityPike · 30/07/2020 17:34

@junebug87

I wish it were that easy. She is there 24/7 when we visit. She’s knocking at the door from 7am to get in and never leaves until just before bedtime!
When she visits, you leave. Invite your PIL’s to join you all in some family activity. Pointedly don’t invite her.
Kasparovski · 30/07/2020 17:37

how her brother is obviously deeply unhappy having married me? but he’s married you and had a kid with you.....let her say this shit, if she must....don’t bite back, let her make a part of herself. Anyway, it’s Devon...lovely place, do you have to all stay cooped up in the house...do some nice long day trips, break things up a bit. If you respond with grace and maturity you will make her look like an arse. If you are ultra thin skinned (and it sounds like you are) then she wins everytime. Model the right way to your son of dealing with prats.

candycane222 · 30/07/2020 17:37

Honestly, don't go. What does DH think anyway. Surely he notices.

Assuming he's got your back, tell your DH to tell the rest of them you knew they'd want to have some [insert DH surname here] family time and he thinks that was lovely of you.

Kasparovski · 30/07/2020 17:37

*prat

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/07/2020 17:39

It's your reaction you need to manage, rather than changing her behaviour or retaliating. She is only one person, extended family, not even a friend.
Agree with a previous poster, grey rock.
Smile & nod, water off a duck's back, in one ear and out the other, sticks & stones, all the other cliches.
You don't like her, she doesn't like you, just be adult about it for your DH's sake and be civil for a few days.

LakieLady · 30/07/2020 17:39

If she's around as much as you say, OP, tactical migraines won't cut it.

It'll have to be that old standby, influenza diplomatica.

Cryalot2 · 30/07/2020 17:40

I do feel sorry for you. Does your husband stand up for you?
Sadly there are nasty folk about.
Is Katey your sil?

Mittens030869 · 30/07/2020 17:41

Invite your PILs out for a meal out or at your home, or to some other activity. Your SIL can't insist on coming if you're the ones organising the occasion. (No doubt she'll sulk and moan about you on SM but that's not your problem.)

Extended families don't need to be joined at the hip, as has been said.

SantaClaritaDiet · 30/07/2020 17:45

These comments followed a very inappropriate birthday card and then being frozen out on the family whatsapp group - essentially she will never comment or reply to anything that I put on

I can't be the only one wanting to know more about that birthday card Grin

For everything else, I think your SIL is doing it right: she is not engaging with you, no argument, just distance. Isn't that the best way to deal with people you don't like? Why on earth should she add you on social media when you clearly don't like each other?

If she can't even take a day off without you making comments about it, there really is no need to engage with each other.

CupoTeap · 30/07/2020 17:46

Op seriously stop giving her this power of you

Kasparovski · 30/07/2020 17:46

Go out with the PILs and ask aunt to babysit ....most nights? If she’s jobless offer her fair pay. There’s a thought.

Notreallyhappy · 30/07/2020 17:48

Go for you dh & pil...smile & wave be so nice it will make her sick..turn up dressed to die for just to piss her off....you can do this.