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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Csa

114 replies

Moomin52 · 30/07/2020 00:21

Hi my partner and I have been together for five years. I have two grown up children he has a young child. During that time every school holiday his child has stayed with us, I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off, we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us. Two years ago my partner was diagnosed With brain cancer. After three major brain operations and radiotherapy plus a permanent shunt fitted his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance. He doesn’t and can’t work and still has some of the brain tumour left which we are waiting to find out if it is growing and how rapidly. her demands came about because his child was staying with us for the summer and 2 and half weeks in, I asked what the plans were for him returning home (I asked what she wanted/needed/ expected as I wanted to be able to make plans to visit my own children and my family). I work hard and do receive a good salary but my partner doesn’t and can’t Work and doesn’t receive benefits. Can she claim from me? We are not married. We don’t see his child go without but are mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child as when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed etc yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking etc. Can she claim from me? And am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Shamoo · 30/07/2020 00:24

Sorry about your DH. No, she can’t claim from you.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 30/07/2020 00:26

Quick answer. No she can't claim from you. If he's not working she can't claim from him.

She sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.

TBHno · 30/07/2020 00:27

I'm so sorry op Thanks

And no, she won't be entitled to your salary, only his.

Oswin · 30/07/2020 00:28

No they don't take your wages into consideration. Did he lay maintenance before he got Ill? Also it's not her responsibility to provide clothes for your home, that would be down to your dp.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 30/07/2020 00:38

She can’t claim from you BUT your DP should be providing all clothes etc when the child is with you, she shouldn’t have to pack anything

TheChiefJo · 30/07/2020 00:48

I'm not sure about the law currently or the CMS but if you're not married, it's I imagine it's unlikely they can claim against your income.

I'm sorry your partner is unwell. My best wishes for his recovery.

Some questions/thoughts on your OP:

"I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off"
Do you think he should be delivered? Could he travel by rail/bus? Would you prefer not to see him?

"we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us"
Do birthday and Christmas gifts count as maintenance? Do you pay something towards the clothes he wears the rest of the time?

"his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance"
Her timing seems cruel, but is there another particular reason she's chosen to pursue this now? Has she never had financial support from your DP during child's life?

"I asked what she wanted/needed"
Perhaps she needs money, OP.

"when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed"
Do his clothes always go home with him? Has his mother had financial support to buy clothes? Maybe she is reluctant to part with expensive essentials that she bought in case they don't come back in the state they left?

"yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking"

Does she earn? Does her family have money? Your DP is half responsible for the child. Do you think he should only contribute financially if his ex is so poor she's unable to clothe herself or socialise? Is the child neglected by her in order that she can spend on herself?

"mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child"
So he hasn't paid anything before? Does his ex get to decide from afar what he spends his money on?

I understand it's a very difficult time for you and DP, but it sounds like he hasn't been a great parent all along. Sorry.

Gingerkittykat · 30/07/2020 00:51

Another one saying he won't have to pay.

But if she is such a bad mother why are you not trying to get custody or is she just the stereotypical crazy and neglectful ex?

GaryLurcher19 · 30/07/2020 00:59

That's a good question, Ginger

notapizzaeater · 30/07/2020 01:05

No he won't have to pay. Your DH Should be claiming PIP (won't make any difference to her)

Enoughnowstop · 30/07/2020 01:10

The CMS won’t expect you to pay.

I am sorry your partner is so unwell. Is his ex aware of the detail? She is bringing up a child single handedly and bearing both the cost of that as well as having to juggle around everything else she does. It is very hard to do that.

The rest is unnecessarily judgemental. You live miles away and have no real idea about how she lives her life. She is absolutely allowed to go out, drink and party. She shouldn’t have to pack clothes for a child to spend time with a parent - the parent should be ensuring the child’s needs are met when with him.

IamMaz · 30/07/2020 09:06

Only the parents of a child are responsible for its maintenance.
You cannot be financially responsible for someone else's child OP.

Any maintenance due will be calculated on your DP's income.
You say he has none?
Is he entitled to any benefits?
Does he have capital? If he does, any interest generated will be treated as income.

Hope all goes well.

user1493413286 · 30/07/2020 09:09

She can’t claim from you but I would expect that your DP provides clothes etc when he comes to stay with you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/07/2020 09:12

when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed

His child shouldn't need anything but the clothes on his back when he visits, unless he chooses to bring a toy/specific thing. Your partner should ensure his son has everything he needs for stays with him.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/07/2020 09:13

Your oh could be claiming some benefits. If he doesn't need it, could he pass it on to the mother?

Ultimately, she might be genuinely struggling and if there's something he can do to help it doesn't sound unreasonable to do so?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/07/2020 09:18

She can't claim from you so YANBU. But YABU to talk about her going out partying and drinking, how she lives her life is none of your business.

She might be struggling, if your DH isn't working is he able to do more childcare so she can work more? Appreciate it might be difficult if he's ill.

conduitoffortune · 30/07/2020 09:19

I understand that your partner has been unwell but can't you understand how difficult it must be for his child's mother meeting all of the financial responsibilities for their child with one income?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/07/2020 09:24

If you and he are not paying because you think she will spend it on herself, then find another way.

Do a weekly online shop of all his favourite foods and snacks. Buy him a coat and wellies etc.

lukasiak · 30/07/2020 09:27

Of course you don't have to pay, but on the exact same psge I think you have some true blue audacity to be sneering at what she spends her own money on when she is shouldering 100% of the financial burden of supporting your husband's son.

AllsortsofAwkward · 30/07/2020 09:29

He could be contributing to his upkeep whilst he's not working the least he can do is provide clothing for when he comes to stay these are basic things. Maybe that's why she's getting frustrated. Its not easy being a single parent and getting zero financial support from the child's father.

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2020 09:30

No she cannot claim from you and rightly so!

If they were still together he still would have had a brain tumour and been unable to work, and she would have had to provide for their child herself.

She needs to think of it as though you aren’t in the picture and just get on with it. You’re not her safety net. If they were still together there wouldn’t be a convenient stepmum to lean on.

Original poster
Moomin52 · 30/07/2020 10:22

Thank you everyone that has replied. For the record we live 220 miles away (frustrating for both of them I know but couldn’t choose where I found work). My partner doesn’t get any benefits so in effect has no money coming in and still awaiting an mri to find out what the remaining tumour is doing which she comments on saying he looks fine to her And he is doing amazingly well considering but still gets very tired and can’t do the job he used to as involved ladders and he still has very poor balance. We do buy clothes, toys Etc and he wants for nothing when here (although she did tell me I should buy him Netflix which I said I didn’t feel was necessary as when he is with us we go out and do plenty of other Stuff And have normal TV). She works although lots is cash in hand and I believe she also claims benefits although don’t quote me on that. She also has a new partner. Whilst I have a good income like most people there is not much left in the pot after bills etc. I totally agree that bringing a child into the world is two people’s responsibility and my partner and I do what we can when we can (every holiday etc), yes you are right I shouldn’t comment about her personal life but was trying to show how she isn’t going without or suffering and that I would be concerned if money had to go to her. I also take on board the creative ways of supporting like online shopping and will discuss this as an option with my partner. They split up as she cheated on him only a few months after their child was born although to be fair she was 18 at the time and my partner was 19 so very young to start a family (it was an accidental pregnancy). Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin52 · 30/07/2020 10:27

We do buy clothes For him and they go back with him when he goes home. We also buy his school uniform.

OP posts:
Alwaysinpain · 30/07/2020 10:51

Doesn't matter whether she goes partying & drinking, it all goes into the same pot!! Hmm

Alwaysinpain · 30/07/2020 10:54

And why do you only have the child in school holidays? Rather than weekends/every other weekend for example? Holidays are not very often. No wonder she wants maintenance!

I'm sorry for your husband's health but he should be paying for his child!!!! Why doesn't he claim non-means tested benefits? At least that way she will get at least a nominal payment each month!

I feel sorry for her, and I'm disgusted that your first concern is to protect your income rather than the welfare of your stepson Hmm

Alwaysinpain · 30/07/2020 10:58

Oh and before you say that he can't claim because you have a good salary that's utter rubbish. PIP is a benefit you can claim even if you're a millionaire. This would enable him to pay maintenance and still have some left over.
Given his condition, PIP would fast track his claim too.