Csa

[Moomin52]

Hi my partner and I have been together for five years. I have two grown up children he has a young child. During that time every school holiday his child has stayed with us, I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off, we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us. Two years ago my partner was diagnosed With brain cancer. After three major brain operations and radiotherapy plus a permanent shunt fitted his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance. He doesn’t and can’t work and still has some of the brain tumour left which we are waiting to find out if it is growing and how rapidly. her demands came about because his child was staying with us for the summer and 2 and half weeks in, I asked what the plans were for him returning home (I asked what she wanted/needed/ expected as I wanted to be able to make plans to visit my own children and my family). I work hard and do receive a good salary but my partner doesn’t and can’t Work and doesn’t receive benefits. Can she claim from me? We are not married. We don’t see his child go without but are mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child as when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed etc yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking etc. Can she claim from me? And am I being unreasonable?

@Alwaysinpain you seriously need to calm down
Op sorry for what you are going through at the moment, hope things improve soon

@Moomin52
The status quo is thus:
No CSA will not look at your salary - only his to pay maintenance.
Most parents who move away then 'do the travelling' - because they are the one who moved. Sometimes parents agree to meet halfway, but a court would say the parent who moves travels.
Most non resident parents buy clothes and keep at their house so child only arrives with teddy/phone whatever items they choose. Again a court would say the parent giving care provides the items needed in that time.
If you can buy school uniform and send home in lieu of maintenance most parents appreciate this!

Try again with PIP, fill in the form and get your partners nurse to filling in the supporting statement on about page 4/5/6...it helps!

There is nothing easy about claiming PIP.

Could your partner even fill the paperwork out by himself?
Do try to claim and point out, if you have done the paperwork for him.

Hey OP.

I can't advise, but I am sending some virtual love. Brain Tumours are Shit.

That’s a tricky one isn’t it? To say that once you have children you should no longer have a life Which is what you've essentially said about the child's mother. You think she shouldn't be able to afford to go out and claim maintenance.

Some people aren't happy unless single mums are struggling to bloody feed themselves. Maintenance is for the child. All of her costs are higher and she has no support from the father at all. He needs to claim PIP and start supporting the child he is half responsible for.

Bloody hell some of these comments are vile! Her partner has a brain tumour ffs show some compassion. We dont even know what OP does for a job to be able to say whether she could have got a job closer to home do we?!?

In an ideal world he would be paying maintenance & they would live closer but life isnt like that! Under the current circumstances i think they are doing their best.

OP ignore all the vileness!

Hello @Moomin52

I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through such a very difficult time. You must be physically and mentally exhausted. I hope you and your partner manage to get his PIP/ESA etc sorted out soon.

I just wanted to mention a couple of things. Please don't feel you need to answer them here - this is only for your and your partner's consideration in private.

What is the situation with your house? Is that rented or mortgaged and, if mortgaged, in whose names? Is any part of any deposit or equity specifically Ring fenced (eg with a Declaration/Deed of Trust) so neither of you are financially disadvantaged if you separated or one of you died?

Do you and/or your partner have Wills? If so do you know the contents of each other's Wills?

Given your partner's condition and the fact you have an elderly parent who may well become partially financially dependent, and your partner has his son to consider, you may want to talk with a family solicitor to clarify your position and formally set out your wishes if that has not yet been done.

I hope you don't mind me flagging these questions - some of which I have had to consider in recent years. Again - these are for you both to discuss when you think suitable.

I wish you both well OP. 🌹

Thank you everyone for your comments and although some have been harsh as I said it’s good to see differing views and opinions and those that have been kind I have found very supportive especially under the circumstances. I don’t want to see my partner, his child or his ex for that matter suffer unduly and am really doing what I can to keep everything including myself going It’s isn’t easy and as human beings compassion is so important which is why I was so upset by his ex’s recent demands. Whilst some comments have been hurtful and judgements i do get it. Thank you 😊

Oh op im sorry some people here are fucking cunts. Your dp has a brain tumour he needs cutting some slack.

Also to the bitches saying she could get a job anywhere you dont know what she does for a fucking living. People move for work all the time and she obviously has a good job that can support two people.

Thank you, as hard as it was to read some of the comments that made me out to be an evil step mother that seduced a man and stole him from his child (even though I did point out that she cheated on him and never dragged/forced him away) and that I moved for work out of necessity after loosing my job due to caring for my partner when he was having operations and radiotherapy (unless I had taken a different job to that which I’m trained and experienced to do and for a lower salary to support us on) and have and will continue to look for work closer and that I have children on my own, I do understand people have different points of view and I didn’t help myself by making judgements.

Op you dont have to justify yourself to people who want to rip a chunk off you instead of help. Step parents get so much shit on here and many mumsnetters dont live in the real world. I think you are doing fantastic and hope you get the job closer to his son soon :)

No she cannot claim from you. If he dies not work or claimbenegits she does not get anything. It's his child not yours. My partners ex has 4 kids and does not work (2 are my partners). Lovely kids but I'm not supporting her smoking/drinking lifestyle. I stopped smoking myself as I couldn't afford it (and its rank) andi work. The same as I would not ask him to pay for clothes and things for my child.

Does not dies, sorry! And I meant claim benefits. Think its bed time sorry for typos