Csa

[Moomin52]

Hi my partner and I have been together for five years. I have two grown up children he has a young child. During that time every school holiday his child has stayed with us, I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off, we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us. Two years ago my partner was diagnosed With brain cancer. After three major brain operations and radiotherapy plus a permanent shunt fitted his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance. He doesn’t and can’t work and still has some of the brain tumour left which we are waiting to find out if it is growing and how rapidly. her demands came about because his child was staying with us for the summer and 2 and half weeks in, I asked what the plans were for him returning home (I asked what she wanted/needed/ expected as I wanted to be able to make plans to visit my own children and my family). I work hard and do receive a good salary but my partner doesn’t and can’t Work and doesn’t receive benefits. Can she claim from me? We are not married. We don’t see his child go without but are mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child as when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed etc yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking etc. Can she claim from me? And am I being unreasonable?

And why do you only have the child in school holidays?

If you read the thread, they live 220 miles away and it's an 8 hour round trip - not practical for either party.

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

And why do you only have the child in school holidays?

If you read the thread, they live 220 miles away and it's an 8 hour round trip - not practical for either party.

And? My nephew lives in France and he still comes over to see my brother once a month. Once or twice a term for a weekend is perfectly reasonable. Sounds to me like the stepmother is doing everything she can to have as little contact as possible

was trying to show how she isn’t going without or suffering

FFS. A child is both parent’s responsibility. No mother should have to demonstrate ‘suffering’ to prove maintenance is required. I can support my children without my ex making a contribution - I have no choice in the matter - but even me being a millionaire in my own right wouldn’t negate his financial responsibility towards his children.

You do not know anything at all about cash in hand (which she may well declare), benefits or new partners because you are 220 miles away. Just stop.

Your partner’s situation is horrible and I hope things improve for him. Stop using the situation as a means by which to beat his ex over the head with. She is not responsible For your partner’s ill health yet has to manage just as you do.

And no loving father would ever agree to move 220 miles away from their child.

That poor little boy

Well said Enough 👏🏻

Hi in response to your questions no I don’t think the child should be delivered as not a pizza!! I think he is too young to travel alone on rail/bus. The ex has a car but we do the transportation between homes. Yes we buy clothes no I don’t think Ex partner should be poor to get support as it takes two to create a child and agree presents are not maintenance but we do buy clothes and uniform too. Yes she works although I would question what is shared with the tax man but again that’s not my business or place to comment. As I said I wanted to know about her claim against me as I try to leave them to sort their own differences out as much as possible and also try to help as much as possible especially under the current circumstances. Thanks

That’s interesting to know thank you as we were told he couldn’t claim so I will look into this as then I’m sure he would happily give all towards his sons upkeep

I'm sorry OP, but the picture YOU are painting, is that you came along, grabbed a child's Daddy, ripped him away from his son, dragged him as far away as you possibly could, reduced contact to the absolute minimum you could get away with and are now trying to get him out of paying a penny for his son..... Which I'm starting to see is likely WHY you don't claim pip! As you know that some will have to go son's mother!)

...Whilst slagging off his mother in the process. (You have absolutely ZERO clue whether or not she is committing benefit fraud or going out partying, yet even if true this has ZERO effect on your partner's responsibility to pay for his son).

No CSA can not touch your income but if you are married and sharing your income then you SHOULD be paying it!

No not at all we have his son every school holiday but it just isn’t practical for weekends due to distance plus we also appreciate that the child has a life in his own area and wants to spend time with other family members and friends. As I said we have been doing this for a number of years and no concerns raised. You can paint me as the wicked stepmother if you want and that makes you feel better.

I think if he cannot claim because of your income then you as a couple do owe some level of maintenance.
He and you moved away for YOUR work therfore as a couple YOU do the travelling -.
Your snippy quite about the tax man and it not being your place to comment - fuck me that is snide bitchyness
Loads of ither subtext I could pick on but the thought of you dojng 'creative ways to help' like on line shopoing instead of just handing some bloody money over from pip which if hes not claiming you are stupid, and i dont for one second think you are, just shows your who attitude is shit.

I take your point but as I said I don’t expect her to go without to get maintenance but my partner is not working! We do what we can and when as yes I absolutely agree both parents are responsible!! That is not what I was asking and was just trying to give an insight into lifestyles/choices. It isn’t my place to judge what or how she lives her life of course not, just that she has different priorities to some parents who put their child’s needs first.

I feel sorry for her, and I'm disgusted that your first concern is to protect your income rather than the welfare of your stepson

Of course she’s going to want to protect her income. That’s what keeps her household going. That’s what she works for and the only income that is keeping her household going. Two households have been affected here, not just one. Of course her first thought isn’t going to be about how she can jump through hoops to make sure maintenance is paid.

So what are you suggesting as an Solution/alternative? He has brain cancer and my work took me that distance, I keep my eye open for opportunities closer and applied for positions but been unsuccessful.

The rest is unnecessarily judgemental. You live miles away and have no real idea about how she lives her life. She is absolutely allowed to go out, drink and party. She shouldn’t have to pack clothes for a child to spend time with a parent - the parent should be ensuring the child’s needs are met when with him.

^^ This.

Even with your updates you are still being judgemental (you seem to think it's the mothers responsibility - ex has a car but we do the transportation). Sorry your partner isn't well, but thank god for the mother in this. You seem to only see the child in the holidays. He pays no maintenance and only buys his child clothes. I'm not surprised she's going down the csa route. She's most probably pissed off having 100% financial and emotional responsibility for their child. He sounds like a crap parent.

I'm sorry OP, but the picture YOU are painting, is that you came along, grabbed a child's Daddy, ripped him away from his son, dragged him as far away as you possibly could, reduced contact to the absolute minimum you could get away with and are now trying to get him out of paying a penny for his son

You are absolving the father of a lot of responsibility with that. He's an adult, he could have not moved 220 miles away. He could have seen his son more often.

Hang on, so you moved 200 miles away from your DP's son for work?

She can't claim against you (although in your shoes I'd want to contribute something), but why isn't your DP on benefits if hes too ill to work?

Ok if that’s how you read my comments and how you feel I have painted a picture. But for the record I didn’t whisk him away he chose to move, he got cancer and I left my work to look after him. Once he was able to manage during the day independently I searched for work and was successful and this did take us further away (perhaps I should have continued to do nothing and claimed benefits?!? If that’s what you are suggesting but in my mind I’m capable of working and as such should. Following the diagnosis of my partner and operations a time when money wasn’t even a thought in my mind, we enquire about benefits but were told he couldn’t claim due to my income. We understood and accepted that as again do not feel our entitlement to receive benefits and prefer not to if possible. As mentioned if he is able to claim he would support more financially. I totally take on board my comments re her lifestyle and life choices she is an adult and as such can make those decisions for herself and should not have to go without because she is no longer with the father of her child, they both brought the child into the world and should support where possible. Thanks

A Dad is too ill to work.
Is kept by his loving partner who pays all the bills , he moves with the partner to where they can find work.
They do an 8 hour return trip so the child has contact with his dad.
The partner pays for the child to have clothing and treats.
The child gets gifts on Birthdays and Xmas.
YET the dad is classed as a dead beat dad.
Wow you lot are savage.
The dad is penniless, but should pull money from nowhere for the CSA.

Ah, so I see you moved away.

Your DP shouldn't have moved away from his child for a partner. He should have stayed near his child. That's what a good parent would do.

Your partner didn't put his child's needs first when he moved 200 miles away. The child's mother is the one who has had to pick up the slack.

So the Dad had no income was ill, but should move back and be homeless.
Grow up and see this was a way to still be a dad even if only on holidays.
My ex lived this far from us, my children only saw him if I travelled him him, and only for an day.
This child spends weeks with his dad.

Yes she works although I would question what is shared with the tax man but again that’s not my business or place to comment

And yet you just commented....

I'm sorry, OP, that this has subsided into the usual bunfight over maintenance and that there are posters not seeing the bigger picture about having to move for work, the fact he can't claim benefits because you are supporting him, that you pick up the child from a distance etc. I also really feel for you in that your partner is clearly very unwell and that must be really worrying for you.

But none of that is the ex's responsibility. Stop judging her and see the bigger picture.

*And the reason I personally baulk at the 'cash in hand' is that I do a lot of work which is cash in hand and every single last penny of it is declared and tax paid. I shouldn't have to be showing my ex's new partner my tax return, however, to not have her mouthing off at every opportunity about my so-called dodgy dealings. And she lives 5 miles away, not 220. She doesn't have a clue about my life anymore than I have a clue about hers - because my ex and his new partner are of no interest to me whatsoever. I don't feel the need to judge them on stuff I have no control over and I don't follow them on social media or quiz the children on every last penny spent. When they were younger, I did nothing more than raise an eyebrow at some of the stuff they said went on in that house because I know that when it's relayed through the eyes of a 5 year old, the reality is likely to have been something very, very different.

That’s a tricky one isn’t it? To say that once you have children you should no longer have a life or should only fall in love with someone else that lives in the local area? He hasn’t disowned his son or his responsibility but appreciate that the distance has made it more challenging but we do what we can when we can. I also have my own family so where does that fit in? In an ideal world we would all want children to come into the world with loving parents that stay together but sadly nearly 40% of marriages fail (not that they ever married and as mentioned she cheated on him which led to the breakdown of their relationship)

No CMS cannot touch your wages but morally as you prefer not to claim the benefits he's entitled to and you live on a joint income surely something should be being paid. If he was alone and receiving benefits as a result he'd have to contribute. Your partner has already moved over 200 miles away from his son and does not pay a penny. The child should not need to arrive with anything except the clothes on his back and it's insulting to suggest sending food parcels etc. If your happy to spend the money on that why aren't you happy to pay that equivalent in money. What she does is irrelevant and anyway you can't possibly know. It's a usual narrative of a man trying to wriggle out of paying though. How much maintenance did he pay before he became unwell?

Yes as mentioned I do take on board that my emotional response and comments towards her were unfair and I am not in a position to judge and certainly Not to intimate she is up to wrong doing. I’ve appreciated the responses and differing views. Thank you