Csa

[Moomin52]

Hi my partner and I have been together for five years. I have two grown up children he has a young child. During that time every school holiday his child has stayed with us, I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off, we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us. Two years ago my partner was diagnosed With brain cancer. After three major brain operations and radiotherapy plus a permanent shunt fitted his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance. He doesn’t and can’t work and still has some of the brain tumour left which we are waiting to find out if it is growing and how rapidly. her demands came about because his child was staying with us for the summer and 2 and half weeks in, I asked what the plans were for him returning home (I asked what she wanted/needed/ expected as I wanted to be able to make plans to visit my own children and my family). I work hard and do receive a good salary but my partner doesn’t and can’t Work and doesn’t receive benefits. Can she claim from me? We are not married. We don’t see his child go without but are mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child as when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed etc yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking etc. Can she claim from me? And am I being unreasonable?

We did try I have said that and also done online assessments. He has a brain tumor but following lots of therapies he is now able to dress feed and bath independently. He is mobile but tires quickly. He suffers with headaches and tummy cramps most days as mentioned, some menial tasks in the future may be possible. Prior to his illness she received the majority of his income as he moved back to his fathers after she cheated on him so yes am sure the last couple of years have been financially more difficult for her.

When I say I’m trying my best that is exactly what I mean we do buy clothes, uniforms and other items just He isn’t in a position to support financially With monthly payments currently and nor am I.

That’s all you can do at the moment. He hasn’t got any money coming in and the money you bring in supports his child when the child is with you. And of course keeps your own household going which is your priority over the ex’s because that’s where you live.

it wasn’t an issue previously until she got with her new partner.

I’m confused by this bit. Is she wanting maintenance because she has a new partner? I’ll probably get accused of stereotyping here , but has her new partner’s income affected things like tax credits she might receive?

Just to say brain cancer and PIP is a nightmare and I really feel for you

My DH’s PIP was taken away three months before he died and that was with a terminal diagnosis (he’d been terminal for longer than was permitted so was reassessed over the phone). He could walk okay some days so clearly things were fine. His consultant was utterly appalled. Brain cancer affects so much of the body and mind - my DH worked until it was unsafe for him to continue. And we’re talking 12-13 hour brain surgeries here. This OP and her DH are going through hell.

They didn't move 8 hours away, it's an 8 hour round trip. Read the thread.

OP, it's impossible to get any kind of reasonable response from people on here if you're a step mum. They are essentially the devil incarnate and regardless of what they do, it will never be the right thing.

You sound like you're doing everything you can and a have been through some incredibly difficult things in the past year.

She cannot claim on your income. I have no right to pursue money my ExH's partner earns and nor should I.

I’ve no idea and wouldn’t want to comment or make judgement about him all I know is he doesn’t work and has moved into their home, prior to him coming on the scene it was a reasonably Good relationship between us all where she appeared to accept that my partner wasn’t earning and how we were supporting. All seemed happy with the arrangements.

To be fair to you OP it sounds like you were previously 150 miles away and are now 220 miles so it's not quite as I've assumed re the 8 hour round trip - they must have been a good 5 hour plus round trip anyway? Sorry for jumping on the 8 hour thing - it's just that I am a stepmum and I know there is no way DP would ever agree to moving that far from his kids, and DSD's mum would be rightly fuming if we did as her life would dramatically change. But we are much closer in distance to her mum to start with.

Is she wanting maintenance because she has a new partner?

There's no way of knowing. If he isn't working, his moving in won't have affected benefits in anyway. However, she will have another mouth to feed. It sounds like the new partner has put pressure on her to get maintenance from her ex - not entirely unreasonable under normal circumstances. Unfortunately, given that he's ill, it's not going to happen. It may be easier for the ex in this case to simply go through the CMS, get them to do a £nil assessment and then present this to her partner. She will then have done all she can and he can't complain. She may well just be doing this for the sake of peace in her own home, not because she's really looking for the money.

I think you're doing the best you can OP.

There are some pretty mean people on this thread all saying how they'd do better in a very tough situation they've never been in, but I'd ignore them completely. Lots of people looking to judge your parenting too and the distance involved. Not everyone is privileged enough to work exactly where they want when they want, and the fact you do that drive is impressive and deserves praise not scorn.

On the subject of empathy, it's definitely worth trying to picture yourself in the ex's shoes, there may be a complicated situation there. Or there may not. Either way building a good relationship with her is worthwhile for both you and your step-child.

So he moved miles away from his child, only has him school Holidays and pays no money towards him... you moan about him coming with not many clothes which isn’t exactly surprising considering you don’t help buy any of it.

@Moomin52 I searched for work and was successful and this did take us further away (perhaps I should have continued to do nothing and claimed benefits?!? If that’s what you are suggesting but in my mind I’m capable of working and as such should

So that was the ONLY job you could take - 220 miles away? And if you didn't take that job 220 miles away, you would have no choice but to claim benefits?!

Pull the other one.

I knocked on every business's door on one street once, looking for a job. Decided that morning, went out and came back 2 hours later with a job at a bookies and I don't even believe in gambling and think it should be banned!!! I just wanted a job and found one!

However, whatever your pay grade, I highly doubt your 220 mile away job was the only one in that sector & pay level. Nah not buying that, sorry.

Regardless of whether your partner wanted to or not, you took a child's Daddy away from him. A daddy who could've played games with him every Saturday. A Daddy who could've tucked him up in bed on the odd evening per week. A daddy who could've been at his school performances and parents evenings. But of course, your money comes first

Nobody can be a proper daddy (even without health issues) from 220 miles away

@alwaysinpain isn't OP awful!!!! I mean that poor man who can't make decisions for himself forced, no doubt physically dragged and beaten, into moving so that OP can continue providing for him and caring for him.

Please read all the thread before accusing. We do buy clothes and uniform for him. He takes all the new clothes home but on next visit comes with none same with toiletries but it is not an issue replacing these when he is with us and especially if here for six weeks and only has three pairs of pants.

@Alwaysinpain I don't think this is a great situation but OP didn't "take" anyone away. The father CHOSE to move away, no one forced him, and he is the one to blame for that.

It was the only job I was offered following a return to work after supporting my partner and have applied for others but not been successful. If I were to take a lower paid job how would I manage to pay my own bills etc. it’s easy to judge others without full info something I admitted I had done in my initial post about his ex and so I don’t understand why you feel I should have just taken any job so that we would only just get by but be closer? How would that have helped. She hasn’t got an issue with contact time it’s the money that she wants.

For those saying nrp should be supplying clothes for use at their house what if the child wants to take clothes or toys with them? I ask in general not specific to this thread

Yes although my work did take us further for the interim about an extra 70 miles but she isn’t complaining about contact she is demanding money. Do i honestly think that if we were closer she would be satisfied with more days and son time?? Tucking him into bed and playing games on a Saturday? She wouldn’t let him do that before he moved as was always her terms. But yes this forum is about people making comments and sometimes judgements based on little information which I acknowledge and I accept that is your take on things. If I wasn’t open to hearing all sides, views and opinions I wouldn’t have posted on here so have appreciated hearing all angles. Thank you

Of course his son wants to take his stuff home and we would never stop this despite having bought two bikes for him in the last year as they were Both left outside his house unlocked and got stolen. Some of you will no doubt feel sorry for his ex as must live in a horrid place but I can reassure you this is not the case it’s just a lack of effort and respect and she said she couldn’t be bothered to put them away.

@Moomin52

That’s a tricky one isn’t it? To say that once you have children you should no longer have a life or should only fall in love with someone else that lives in the local area? He hasn’t disowned his son or his responsibility but appreciate that the distance has made it more challenging but we do what we can when we can. I also have my own family so where does that fit in? In an ideal world we would all want children to come into the world with loving parents that stay together but sadly nearly 40% of marriages fail (not that they ever married and as mentioned she cheated on him which led to the breakdown of their relationship)

I do actually

Your child should be your number 1 priority

A job 200 miles away shouldn’t and wouldn’t of been accepted by either of my parents when I was young and they divorced.

@Delaberge

For those saying nrp should be supplying clothes for use at their house what if the child wants to take clothes or toys with them? I ask in general not specific to this thread

If the child has favourite items they want to take then fair enough but the expectation shouldn't be that the resident parent provides all the clothes.

Can I ask op how much older than him are you?

You apply for pip and take worse day as your base line. If you know pip is difficult to apply for why do you not know this?

Because it's not true. PIP is assessed according to how you are the majority of the time. The "worst day" basis went with DLA.

However, I'd be very surprised if he didn't qualify. To be deemed to be able to do something, you have to be able to do it safely, repeatedly, in a reasonable amount of time and to an acceptable standard. I don't consider it safe for someone who suffers from extreme dizziness to cook without supervision or to bathe/shower alone, for example, and have got points for cooking and bathing for people with Menieres and other conditions that cause vertigo.

Your DP may meet the NI contribution criteria for new-style ESA, OP, and I would contact CAB or similar advice agency and see what they say about PIP eligibility. I've never known anyone with a shunt not qualify.

Anyway, YANBU. You're enabling his contact with his child and, presumably, picking up some of the caring responsibilities when his child stays with his dad. And his partner can't claim maintenance from you.

You could also easily claim pip

You need to go into some Facebook pages

You have to fill in the forms like it’s your worst day.

You’ve already had the answer but wanted to say I’m very sorry for the situation you snd your partner are experiencing.

@tunnocksreturns2019

Just to say brain cancer and PIP is a nightmare and I really feel for you

My DH’s PIP was taken away three months before he died and that was with a terminal diagnosis (he’d been terminal for longer than was permitted so was reassessed over the phone). He could walk okay some days so clearly things were fine. His consultant was utterly appalled. Brain cancer affects so much of the body and mind - my DH worked until it was unsafe for him to continue. And we’re talking 12-13 hour brain surgeries here. This OP and her DH are going through hell.

I’m horrified you went through that!! The assessed needs to be bang to rights. That’s so bad.

[quote Alwaysinpain]**@Moomin52* I searched for work and was successful and this did take us further away (perhaps I should have continued to do nothing and claimed benefits?!? If that’s what you are suggesting but in my mind I’m capable of working and as such should*

So that was the ONLY job you could take - 220 miles away? And if you didn't take that job 220 miles away, you would have no choice but to claim benefits?!

Pull the other one.

I knocked on every business's door on one street once, looking for a job. Decided that morning, went out and came back 2 hours later with a job at a bookies and I don't even believe in gambling and think it should be banned!!! I just wanted a job and found one!

However, whatever your pay grade, I highly doubt your 220 mile away job was the only one in that sector & pay level. Nah not buying that, sorry.

Regardless of whether your partner wanted to or not, you took a child's Daddy away from him. A daddy who could've played games with him every Saturday. A Daddy who could've tucked him up in bed on the odd evening per week. A daddy who could've been at his school performances and parents evenings. But of course, your money comes first

Nobody can be a proper daddy (even without health issues) from 220 miles away [/quote]
Wow, what a vile post

Excellent post by @LakieLady, I was going to offer the same advice re. PIP.

I don't know what online assessments you have done, but please do request the forms for both PIP and ESA. The process is difficult and unpleasant, but your OH is unable to work due to illness, and he has a right to claim both of those benefits. You can explain on the forms how your husband's symptoms vary in severity. Give details for what it is like generally, but explain what good and bad days look like with his health condition. What matters is if you are able to reliably or repeatedly do an activity, and in a reasonable time frame. If you are not able to do so then you may qualify for PIP or ESA.

I don't know who advised you not to apply for any benefits. The DWP make the process as unpleasant as possible, and what they'd really like is for people to not try and claim at all, or give up if they are refused at the first stage. Something like 2/3 claimants are successful on appeal with PIP. You have to persevere. I know it must be such a tough situation for you, but it does not make sense to choose not to apply for any benefits. It would help pay for costs associated with his illness.