Csa

[Moomin52]

Hi my partner and I have been together for five years. I have two grown up children he has a young child. During that time every school holiday his child has stayed with us, I collect him (at least an 8 hour return journey) And drop him off, we buy birthday and Christmas presents Etc and clothes when he is with us. Two years ago my partner was diagnosed With brain cancer. After three major brain operations and radiotherapy plus a permanent shunt fitted his ex is now saying she is going to csa for Maintenance. He doesn’t and can’t work and still has some of the brain tumour left which we are waiting to find out if it is growing and how rapidly. her demands came about because his child was staying with us for the summer and 2 and half weeks in, I asked what the plans were for him returning home (I asked what she wanted/needed/ expected as I wanted to be able to make plans to visit my own children and my family). I work hard and do receive a good salary but my partner doesn’t and can’t Work and doesn’t receive benefits. Can she claim from me? We are not married. We don’t see his child go without but are mindful that any monthly allowance wouldn’t necessarily go on his child as when his child visits hardly any clothes Are packed etc yet his mother has all the latest gadgets, clothes and regularly goes out partying and drinking etc. Can she claim from me? And am I being unreasonable?

How much maintenance did he pay before he became unwell?

Why does that matter? He's unwell, he can't pay. The rest is just beating the OP about the head with something that isn't really her responsibility. The situation is what it is. They have to live with it and make it work.

Although I agree that food parcels are insulting. It is a fairly typical response from step parents who think the ex has more than enough, however, or when she is seen to wear decent clothes and go out more than once every 5 years.

Op I think if he can claim some form of benefits then he should do. That will take the pressure off you then especially when it comes to maintenance. He’s poorly he’s not choosing not to work for the fun of it. You have enough on your plate without dealing with the ex.

His ex can have a portion of his benefits then and you can tell her to (fuck off) leave you alone because as far as your wages are concerned they are not going her way. There is nothing wrong with any of that.

The food shopping wasn’t my suggestion I just said I would consider. How exactly is my partner trying to wriggle out? I have mentioned that it was wrong of me to comment on her lifestyle and life choices and she is not on her own as has a new partner. Yes prior to his illness he did pay maintenance after having to move back home to his fathers he provided over half his income to her. Currently he can not work and to be honest I’m not sure if he ever will. I will suggest he look into benefits as like mentioned if he was entitled he would provide to her I hope that in that case any money received from him wouldn’t impact on the benefits she is claiming as the benefit support system is a bit of a mystery to me as have always worked and only seen it as a support system for those that really need it. Perhaps I’m being naive with my interpretation of need and trying for us to be independent from state welfare.

Have a life, yes. Move hundreds of miles away from your child, no. I'm divorced and I would never even contemplate that. You do have to put your child first sometimes. Being a "holiday dad" isn't very good in my opinion. But what's done is done I guess.

No not ideal as I said I do look for work and have applied but not been successful. I don’t think it’s appropriate to move without work so fairly stuck with that one at the moment and just trying to do what I can. Thanks

I will never understand what kind of person would move 8 hours away from their own young child for a new partner 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your comments about her are just catty. I can’t bear all this, “well that’s not my business of course” If you want to say you think she’s a benefit fraudster - just bloody say it. Cut out the mealy mouthed not-my-business-crap.

I struggle to believe no job at all could be found closer than 8hours away.

Why isnt your partner claiming PIP and ESA? He would certainly be entitled to both and neither takes your salary into account. Both benefits together could be almost 1000 per month it seems odd you are not claiming this?

I mentioned him trying to wriggle out of it as in justify not thinking of ways to help her financially even a little. I assume the information on her lifestyle comes from him after all? My point re the food parcels was that you would consider the financial outlay for that but not consider just giving the cash equivalent. Maintenance money will not affect her benefits, no so don't feel like you're doing her any favours not helping. If she's on benefits she does not sadly have enough to comfortably raise her child and if she's doing any cash in hand work to supplement then that's likely out of necessity. It's unfair of your dp to not explore benefits options that could help his child just to feel better about not having to claim them.

We did enquire but as he is able to feed dress himself and is mobile for 200 m he is not entitled to anything or at least that is what we were told. Claiming pip is challenging at best of times and the impact of my partners brain tumour is too as no two days are ever exactly the same, he is good and bad days and until we get an update as to what is going on (hospital appointments cancelled due to pandemic) it’s really difficult to say what the state of play is.

Can’t win get slatted first saying and slatted for not

OP as previous posters have suggested there are some benefits available for your partner in his situation. However they can be difficult to access and require assessments apart from in some very specific circumstances. Does DP have a nurse specialist for his brain cancer? If so I would contact them they will be able to offer some guidance and signposting. If not please contact macmillan on the 24 hr helpline they are an excellent resource and have benefits specialists available who can help guide you through the process which makes it easier. People seem to think PIP is easy to get but it just isn’t that straight forward so I can see why on initial checks it may not have appeared appropriate. Even people with quite profound diagnoses and deficits can initially pass a PIP assessment because of the nature of the things they look at. Situations aren’t black and white and you are doing well to carry on working supporting a household, doing what you can in the holidays and living with the uncertainty of your DPs diagnosis, treatment pathway and the life changing effects on the family that is a cancer diagnosis I hope you have adequate support too.

You apply for pip and take worse day as your base line. If you know pip is difficult to apply for why do you not know this?

No I couldn’t find work m when I needed it as I had to give up my job originally to care for my partner as he needed daily radiotherapy treatment plus had three separate brain operations over the course of a year and half which obviously impacted on his ability to take care of himself. We lived off my savings for as long as we could and as soon as he was able to manage Independently I sought work which took us about 70 miles further away than previously and not just from his children but also away from my own family (including my elderly father as my mum dies from brain cancer 8 years ago) fortunately my elder sister still lives close by to him and is able to take a lead with caring. I Have kept looking but not been successful with applications.

You aren’t liable for child maintenance. If the CSA ask for your details you don’t have to give them, even your name.

Your DP should be claiming PIP.

If they were still together, the ex would have to be supporting him so she’s actually better off by not being with him to be fair.

We did explore through Macmillan and were told no he wasn’t entitled to anything as is able to feed, dress himself and can move around the house. He is not allowed to drive or operate machinery for at least another year and ok from medical professionals although that would still be a struggle given his trade as his balance is quite poor now although appreciate he may in the future be able to do some form of work even if only a menial task. With regards to supporting financially it was suggested as a way to ensure that money provided benefitted his child and experience has shown that hasn’t been the case. Plus we have one income, mine and I’m trying to do my best to support with clothes, uniform etc

Would you have moved 8 hours away from your kids for a job when they were your DSS's age OP?

I know you are in a tough situation with your DP's health, but you are really coming across like think your DP's ex has an excessively nice lifestyle for someone on benefits and resent giving her any more. And no CM is not taken into account for benefits calculations, in large part because there are lots of non resident parents who do their best to wriggle out of their obligations to their children and/or control their ex partners using the CM money as a threat.

If I were you and your DP I'd be incredibly grateful to his ex because she is bearing about 99 percent of the hard graft and cost of raising his child. I would certainly not have moved 200 miles away, and I would have straight away looked into what disability benefits I was entitled to in order to at least make some financial contribution to my DC. I'm glad that you have told him to look into that now.

I think you are doing an amazing job and your partner has your wonderful support xx I wish him well for the future as you both must be very worried. As for the money question I think it's a no but you are doing all you can for the little one anyway. Please take no notice of rude answers 💐

Hey OP

First of all being a step parent isn’t easy whatever the circumstances and yours are even harder still with the distance involved and your partners medical condition.

Secondly I wanted to go against the grain and say that actually considering the circumstances I think your doing rather well. Your taking up a lot which isn’t actually your responsibility, your driving 8 hours round trips to make sure your partner and his son get to spend time together. I assume you partner isn’t able to drive at the moment due to his condition. After a full working week I can imagine that jumping in the car to make the long journey is the last thing you feel like doing, yet you are doing it. Due to your partners lack of income you are also buying things his son needs for when he is with you and practical things for when his is with his mum like school uniform etc. You see that your stepson gets to have days out and fun activities, has presents for birthdays and Christmas which your are both facilitating and financing. You are also having stepson as much as is practical, which with everything else you have going on can’t be easy at times either. With you going to all this effort and trouble which technically you don’t have to do as none of it is your responsibility, I presume you do it because you love and care for your partner and I assume you feel the same for his son.

To answer your actual question as others have said no she can’t claim anything from you. I had this exact same situation when my partner was ill and unable to work, as I was earning well myself at the time I made an arrangement with my step childs mother and continued to pay. It wasn’t the same as she had been getting previously as I couldn’t quiet afford that alone but did feel like she should still have something so we agreed to an amount. I also offered to do more school drop offs/pick ups and to have my stepchild more often. Luckily for us our situation was short term and we lived just a few miles apart which made dealing with lots of things easier. I appreciate a lot of this just isn’t possible for you.

I am of in no doubt that you feel very protective of your partner during this time and feel quite sensitive to anything that may seem to bring him further worry and stress than the two of you are facing already. This in turn may you feel a certain way about his ex, but try not to let that impact on you. Keep a clear head, remain calm, she can’t claim anything from you but it was be worthwhile revisiting what your partner may be able to claim so he can contribute financially to his child.

She can only claim from your husband, the child’s dad, not from you. Let her make a claim and the CMS can tell her what’s what. So sorry your husband is going through all of this.

Just an aside though, and not saying it to be bitchy, if your husband was working and therefore able to pay child support, what his ex does with that money once she receives it is no one else’s business including yours. As long as the child doesn’t go without anything it’s all good.

@Moomin52

That’s a tricky one isn’t it? To say that once you have children you should no longer have a life or should only fall in love with someone else that lives in the local area? He hasn’t disowned his son or his responsibility but appreciate that the distance has made it more challenging but we do what we can when we can. I also have my own family so where does that fit in? In an ideal world we would all want children to come into the world with loving parents that stay together but sadly nearly 40% of marriages fail (not that they ever married and as mentioned she cheated on him which led to the breakdown of their relationship)

There's having a life then there's moving 8 hours away for a new partner. I know which I'd choose.

You seem very determined to paint her as the terrible person in this; your partner chose to follow you 8 hours travel from his child so of course you do all the transportation. Your partner chooses not to have his DC every other weekend so of course you should be contributing to his child's upkeep. Your partner chose to have a child so of course you and he are going to have to buy clothes for the child instead of expecting his Mum to send clothes from her house.

From a personal point of view "we do what we can when we can" sounds like a shitty cop-out. I'd think quite poorly of any man who behaved that way.

@Moomin52

We did explore through Macmillan and were told no he wasn’t entitled to anything as is able to feed, dress himself and can move around the house. He is not allowed to drive or operate machinery for at least another year and ok from medical professionals although that would still be a struggle given his trade as his balance is quite poor now although appreciate he may in the future be able to do some form of work even if only a menial task. With regards to supporting financially it was suggested as a way to ensure that money provided benefitted his child and experience has shown that hasn’t been the case. Plus we have one income, mine and I’m trying to do my best to support with clothes, uniform etc

I would go back and readdress this (I am cancer nurse although in a very different tumour type) I don’t know where you are based but most of the decent sized hospitals have an onsite advice centre either funded through macmillan or one of the other cancer charities (for example maggies). It’s a complex process as they assess stupid things like can you put in a pen in your pocket and pick up something from a desk so on the face of it your DP can do these things. Your consultant, GP or CNS can provide supporting info to back up a claim (I do this a lot) and there are also exemption forms that can be filled in depending on prognosis. Use his ‘worst day’ as baseline with supporting info from a healthcare professional, the citizens advice bureau are usually very helpful in these situations too.

Thank you 😊

Thank you and yes I agree my original post was emotive and ordinarily I would not judge and of course there is always more to the story on both parts (and I am being dragged into the middle of it by her) I haven’t shared all info as was trying to establish my rights in prep of her demands. We will go back and visit benefits again although we were told no and online assessments say no as he is able to do all the basics such as feeding dressing and bathing (And we do not want to lie or exaggerate) but Being able to do those things doesn’t mean he is able to hold down a job as he tires easily, has poor balance suffers headaches and stomach pains (think that they are shunt related and so he may get used to it with time). When I say I’m trying my best that is exactly what I mean we do buy clothes, uniforms and other items just He isn’t in a position to support financially With monthly payments currently and nor am I. it wasn’t an issue previously until she got with her new partner. It is not a cop out because if that were the case I wouldn’t be doing anything at all as many of you have stated it actually isn’t my responsibility however I do love and care for my partner and his child.

Although pip is not out of work benefit, it is quite unusual for someone too poorly to work even a couple of days a week not to be entitled to anything.

And if he can't work at all, than he would be entitled to ESA and be in a group that means your income would not be considered.

It sounds like he hasn't even tried. I'd be frustrated if I was her that he couldn't even be bothered to apply and see what the outcome would be.

What did he use to pay before he fell ill?