To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

So why then am I having a hard time considering what he did was necessary?

Because your anxiety (coupled with PND?) is all consuming and is stopping you from thinking in a normal way OP. Nothing else matters to you. You really do need help to deal with it. Find it online or in RL, but find it quickly because it is a bigger threat to you and your family than CV19.

Has your H been working from home or furloughed during this time?

Tbh whilst I do think YABU, I think people on MN are overly harsh towards people that are still taking Covid really seriously. Maybe it's your anxiety but I think it's an understandable thing to be anxious about. Try to remind yourself that many people are interacting with far more people now and not getting it. I understand why it's still in your psyche to socially distance but statistically it will probably be fine and if there was ever a time to be less cautious, it was this. They have both lost someone very close to them, to put it in perspective half the country is down the pub and fine.

@DioneTheDiabolist

So why then am I having a hard time considering what he did was necessary?

Because your anxiety (coupled with PND?) is all consuming and is stopping you from thinking in a normal way OP. Nothing else matters to you. You really do need help to deal with it. Find it online or in RL, but find it quickly because it is a bigger threat to you and your family than CV19.

Thanks. I do know I'm anxious.

Obviously I didn't realise how dangerous my anxiety is.

This post has opened my eyes. 😔

But if you were single. Then you can hug someone from a different household

You can choose your bubble

Have you seen any replies saying the way you’re thinking is ok?

Gentle hugs. But that level of anxiety will not be ok for your child. Never. They pick up your worst traits and it’s so very true.

@Nicknacky

Has your H been working from home or furloughed during this time?

Working from home.

Get a grip. Really?

And that’s another thing that has helped the fear consume you. If he was out working then you would have seen the big wide world isn’t as scary as it has been made out.

The difficult thing here is you are isolating .

I think the people isolating are finding it much harder to return to any normality.

My Ds ( 13) was struggling with anxiety to get out the house so I gave him support / got him out - in a shop.

You need to be pushing yourself - it won’t get easier.

You have to ask your dh at this time what he wants . His grandma has died - what he needs are the priority here. Not a potential slight hazard. It would be cold hearted to put him in the spare room at a time he needs you .

You also need to step away from the news .

I have to read government guidance due to my job but generally avoid the need . It does nothing for anxiety.

It is rare for a unanimous yabu. Take time to think about why people think that as opposed to defending your opinions because regardless of what anyone thinks your dh ,needs the support

My baby is back at nursery, I’m back at work, I’ve had a haircut, been out for dinner, had pints in the pub. We’ve all been absolutely fine.

My father also passed away due to covid complications at the start of May. I know for a fact he’d despise seeing his family wasting away, stuck inside, too scared to live for a minuscule risk.

You need to get help, because your daughter is missing out on life because of you. And that’s not parenting, that’s living in an anxiety bubble. It’s your job as a parent to sort that out for all of you.

@WhatOnEarth67

You are not allowing her to interact with others or experience anything. She will end up being incredibly clingy because she only knows you, and therefore when you do decide that others can hold her, she will end up screaming and crying because she only knows you.

I disagree, all a 5 month old needs is a loving and nurturing caregiver, spending so much time with her mum will build a secure happy attachment meaning she will grow up trusting adults and others. What experiences is she missing? There aren’t any baby groups/ singing groups open and OP takes her out on walks.

I do however agree that her dd will pick up on her stress, so addressing this is important

So your authority has a population of 350,000, OP.

If you bought five raffle tickets for a raffle that had 350,000 tickets, would you seriously expect to win? Because those are the chances of you getting Covid. And the chances of you dying of it are vanishingly less.

Haven’t RTFT. Has anyone said OP’s reasonable yet?

I agree @WhatOnEarth67

Still not sure why a baby can’t go to a funeral

I hadn’t seen my dad for months & couldn’t hold back when I saw him a couple of weeks - huge hug! I didn’t plan to but it was instinct I had missed him so much.

It was a moment and the rest of the meeting was socially distant.

Yanbu.
If your fil had been on the effected ward with his mother they'd have contacted him.

OP, you really do need to get a grip. LIFE is full of risk. Your overwhelmingly overarching fear is unreasonable. Will you ever drive in a car with your DH without your DD and risk both being killed and leaving her an orphan? Will you ever catch a train and risk it crashing? Will you ever travel abroad risking being kidnapped by pirate? It is all a balance. You do need to seek help over your catastrophising everything

@BittersweetMemories

I honestly find it so unbelievably depressing that we live in a world where hugging your dad after he has lost his mum could even remotely be considered an unreasonable thing to do.

This^

Fucking hell OP, I think you really need to think about what you are asking. I really hope you never mention this to your 'DH' in future. Poor guy.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I'm absolutely sure his Dad would have been told if he had been on the ward affected.

I think what he did was very low risk. I think you and your baby are also both low risk, even with mild asthma.

I have seen some difficult grief reactions since this started and expect to see more, the benefit to family grieving from some social contact/expected rituals like funerals is significant.

Don't go to the funeral but give your DH a break.

If he hugged his Dad, when his Dad had confirmed coronavirus or a new cough or fever, I'd be annoyed.

If you are persistently (before this) thinking you are going to die and leave your child motherless, then you have anxiety. Only you can say if it is manageable /not affecting you day to day in negative way.

When you have anxiety it is hard to see the wood for the trees, I agree the OP is BU but some of the comments are totally unnecessary.

It would be reasonable to feel annoyed that covids existence means hugging grieving parent should cause any risk whatsoever to a soul. But not too feel annoyed with your dh for going ahead and hugging anyway. To do ought else would have been inhuman.

@PablosHoney

I wouldn’t take a baby to a funeral, it would be stressful if they start to cry... so then I would go and stand outside with the baby so I’ve missed it anyway! I wouldn’t want to breastfeed during a funeral, not sure why but the idea doesn’t sit right with me- clearly others won’t agree with that!