To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

I’ve been to a funeral with 30 people in attendance - everyone was socially distant. There was no mixing - no singing and the service was short ( under an hour). I would take the baby and support your family. If you feel that someone needs to go into the spare room then I would suggest that it be you in all fairness.

I don't want DD to be anxious but we're in a pandemic. How can I not be worried about that?!

Op, you are catastrophising. Being cautious and sensible is one thing but you are bordering on hysterical. You need to acknowledge that your anxiety is having a negative impact on your relationship and choose to do something about fixing it.

OP Aibu?
Yes
OP but, but wah wah.

I’ve taken a baby to a funeral, it passed without event, baby was the only one not crying ☺️

I’m afraid I have to agree with virtually everyone else. You are being extremely unreasonable and have lost all sense of proportion.

You’ve been shielding unnecessarily because you are not on the vulnerable list. Your DD isn’t vulnerable either so social distancing would have been plenty as lockdown was eased.

I have very vulnerable frail and elderly parents who have been shielding. We came very close to losing them both during lockdown without ever having seen them alive again. I finally got to go and visit them last weekend (stayed in a hotel as they can no longer cope with overnight visitors). I went into their house and was with them for several hours. We stuck two fingers up to social distancing. Fuck that, time is short and precious. We had plenty of hugs.

Honestly, the sooner this whole pantomime is over the better.

Your DH did nothing wrong. You must get help for your anxiety as it seems off the scale here.

YABVU.

Yabu. Oh my god YABU.

And if you have this attitude outside of MN, I am surprised you still have a DH. If you really can't see YABU you need to seek some help for that anxiety

YABU

YABVU

Is this for real?
I hugged my mum this week, having not seen her for 5 months. I didn't want to let her go.

I agree with everything that @Topseyt just said.

I get that you're feeling scared - but honestly, you've lost the plot and are really making no sense at all. Your thinking is all over the place and is way off reality.

Please do try and get some help to bring you down a few notches so you can live a more normal life with your family.

My family always take babies and children to funerals, death is part of life and visa versa so why exclude them from it?

OP, I went to a funeral a few weeks ago. The immediate family went into the chapel and everyone else stayed outside, the service was played over a speaker outside the chapel so even those not inside could listen. It was also live streamed online with the link printed on the order of service. You could go and just stay outside with the baby if you didn't feel comfortable going inside, you could even take her for a walk around the grounds in her pushchair while you listen to the live stream on your phone via headphones.

Sorry but while you may have anxiety you do sound self centred. You’ve referred to your husbands nana as “the lady”, you’ve suggested you’re going to put a grieving man in the spare room.
That’s actually selfishness bot anxiety.

This makes for very sad reading 😕

OP, I think draw a line under this now. Your DH acted appropriately and compassionately and on reflection I think you’ll be happy he did. Please acknowledge that any perceived risk is already out there (you hugged him when he got home) so the spare room is daft. As would be stopping him touch your baby.... I’m hoping as that wasn’t mentioned then it wasn’t a consideration anyway but who knows. You can’t help the way you feel but the consensus is that your annoyance is unreasonable (I agree; “unreasonable” is an understatement here) so try and let it go.

Focus your energy on putting an action plan in place for your anxiety

OP, I went to a funeral a few weeks ago. The immediate family went into the chapel and everyone else stayed outside, the service was played over a speaker outside the chapel so even those not inside could listen. It was also live streamed online with the link printed on the order of service. You could go and just stay outside with the baby if you didn't feel comfortable going inside, you could even take her for a walk around the grounds in her pushchair while you listen to the live stream on your phone via headphones.

That sounds like a great compromise, it’s so sad we live in a time that people are scared to go to a funeral of a loved one.

YABU - and I have severe asthma

And also... the risk isn’t out there as husband hugged dad, who then hugged OP- it’s not transferred that quickly!

@gentlerock

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.

I think it was irresponsible of him.

I feel like he's put us at potential risk.

I haven't said any of this to him, of course I haven't.

But I can't help the way I feel!!

I'm considering shoving him in the spare room for a few weeks!!

How long do you plan on staying in your home away from everyone? Obviously it is your choice, but we can't all stay gone forever

YABU - but I think you know that.

I have awful anxiety. I get it. I really do. I also had PND with both of mine.

My anxiety has been worse throughout Covid, I’ve seen the worst working in A&E throughout. But I’ve chatted to my GP, she’s been fab, changed my antidepressants and given me something to help when the anxiety is at its worst.

Honestly, please have a chat with your GP, they won’t judge you, anxiety and depression has been rife during Covid. They will understand and help you.

Talk to your husband about the anxiety too... maybe just don’t mention how you felt about him hugging his dad at the moment.

You need to get back into normal life for your families sake.

I do think if there was an award for unreasonableness, you would win it. I truly think you need to contact your GP or at least HV to discuss you getting some help. My anxiety went through the roof during lockdown and I managed to receive telephone therapy and have my meds increased.
The fact you've been unnecessarily shielding and are still so scared of something that presents a minuscule risk to you and your baby isn't normal and it isn't healthy.
I do, however, agree with not going to the funeral. I wouldn't take a 5 month old, pandemic or no pandemic. If you're not ready to embrace the basic normality the majority of the country has resumed, I doubt you would cope well at a funeral and wouldn't be much comfort to your husband.

@Luckingfovely

I agree with everything that *@Topseyt* just said.

I get that you're feeling scared - but honestly, you've lost the plot and are really making no sense at all. Your thinking is all over the place and is way off reality.

Please do try and get some help to bring you down a few notches so you can live a more normal life with your family.

@Luckingfovely

This is pretty rude to be honest.

I haven't lost the plot.

There is a genuine risk. Maybe it is a small one, but the risk is there.
I accept I'm clearly being unreasonable and over catsrophising the situation.

Accusing me of losing the plot is a bit too far!

Not really @op. I'd be seriously concerned about you if I knew you in real life

YABVU.

YANBU. Ignore the replies from the various nasty sanctimonious twats.

If you’ve been completely isolating for several months, of course you’re going to be anxious suddenly being in other people’s close company. It’s a huge step outside of your actual comfort zone.

Your DD isn’t bound to be clingy just because she’s not being passed around family members, so don’t let that add to your worries. We have no parents or close family so DS wasn’t ever passed around as a baby but he was extremely sociable when he started primary school unlike some of the other children who happen to come from bigger families. It’s just who he is.

There’s no need to attend the whole funeral if you’re not keen because you have the excuse that you have a young baby.

Why not go to the church/crematorium and stand near the back with DD and if she cries, go outside until the service is over. That way, you’ll be showing support without having to stand too close to anyone.

Do the same if there’s a Wake afterwards.

I agree that you’re probably being overly cautious and fearful compared to the actual level of risk so maybe talk to your GP and be guided by them.

Taking baby steps to reduce your anxiety is perfectly reasonable.

@gentlerock you don't need to relax completely and yes it's good to still be conscious of what is happening and not become complacent and believe everything should just go back to "normal" and live your life, as that's silly and selfish.

It hilarious that some have suggested this is just a cover for your always being unsupportive and horrible, ignore these stupid comments.

BUT. There are ways to have a little bit of your life back in a safe way, not having indoor meet ups is not a bad thing, we still aren't doing that but are still seeing people in parks, woods and such the like and being away of some social distancing.

I can understand you feel out of control of what your husband has brought into the house, and in any other situation I could understand, but in this I think you need to try and move over it. It must have been so difficult for your husband in this situation. Is he agreeable to how you are both dealing with this pandemic and both on the same page with it.

Give him a break in this situation and you are absolutely right not to attend the funeral if you don't feel comfortable doing so (although he may resent you later for it if he's that way inclined )

Hope you find your way through it.