To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

My baby is 6 months old and currently fretting so don’t have lots of time to read full thread. What you are describing in terms of how you feel is really not normal and there’s help out there. There really really is. Please don’t damage yourself, your relationships and your baby eventually this way. I gave birth in the third week of January so I do have a tiny one myself too.

I'm a shielded person and I still would have hugged my dad/mum if they'd lost their spouse/my parent. It would just be human nature.

I understand your concerns and sympathise but I don't think you can be angry with him personally under the circumstances.

I am afraid parenting does come with worries and guilt too. It is normal, but your level is abnormal. So many people have asked you to seek help and explained this yet you are still justifying it and have not acknowledged that you need to seek help.

Come on OP please take some responsibility.

Everyone is telling you YABU but you’re so pig headed you’re not listening. Get a fucking grip.

God @gentlerock

So why then am I having a hard time considering what he did was necessary?

You're contradicting yourself!

You said you held & hugged your DH when he came home. Presumably because he was upset & needed comfort?

Why is it hard to understand why his father who'd just lost his own mother would need, and deserve, comfort?

No way is this due to anxiety. Anxiety would explain subsequent worry & how to deal with consequences you feared, not you failing to empathise with your DH & FIL

OP you need to speak to your midwife or GP this isn't a normal level of anxiety and you need some help. Please make sure you get some support because your reaction to your husband hugging his grieving father isn't right.

Correction to my earlier post - lost their parent/my grandparent **

@EarringsandLipstick

God *@gentlerock*

So why then am I having a hard time considering what he did was necessary?

You're contradicting yourself!

You said you held & hugged your DH when he came home. Presumably because he was upset & needed comfort?

Why is it hard to understand why his father who'd just lost his own mother would need, and deserve, comfort?

No way is this due to anxiety. Anxiety would explain subsequent worry & how to deal with consequences you feared, not you failing to empathise with your DH & FIL

How have I contradicted myself?

We talked, he was upset. I asked him how it had gone with his Dad as they were discussing funeral arrangements.

He got upset more, we hugged.

I asked how his dad was he told me his dad was really upset and they hugged.

are you new to Mumsnet OP? what a unanimously winded up outcome has resulted from your first ever post - it’s such a shame. Everyone has got wound up. All of us. Anyway I do hope you continue to enjoy Mumsnet over time.

I feel sorry for you having such terrible anxiety - it really must be difficult to rationally balance things when you're that stressed.

However, your DH needs to live a life and hugging his Dad posed very little risk to anyone, including you and your DD, so you're a little U to try and choose how your DH behaves and responds to his parents. He showed love and comfort to someone who was hurt, that's one of the things that you'd choose in an ideal partner.

Well our area two weeks ago was an area of concern and we we're still seeing 5-10 cases per day!!

What is the population of your local authority, OP? Because you seriously need to start understanding probability and risk here.

You and your child are not at risk here. I genuinely believe that you nee to start going out to populated places. It's the people who have hibernated in their homes apart from the occasional isolated walk, who seem to have lost all perspective about what life is like out here.

As soon as I started going out and seeing people going about their business normally, chatting in the street, picnicking in the park, I started to feel a whole lot better Your perspective is shot and you really need to fix it by getting out there into life.

@Doodar

Everyone is telling you YABU but you’re so pig headed you’re not listening. Get a fucking grip.

That is a really unhelpful comment.

He gave his dad a hug because his dad's mother have died, and you won't go to the funeral either to support him. I don't feel it needs to be said again as the replies are pretty unanimous, but you are being extremely unreasonable, I can't even comprehend.

YABVVVU

@saraclara

Well our area two weeks ago was an area of concern and we we're still seeing 5-10 cases per day!!

What is the population of your local authority, OP? Because you seriously need to start understanding probability and risk here.

You and your child are not at risk here. I genuinely believe that you nee to start going out to populated places. It's the people who have hibernated in their homes apart from the occasional isolated walk, who seem to have lost all perspective about what life is like out here.

As soon as I started going out and seeing people going about their business normally, chatting in the street, picnicking in the park, I started to feel a whole lot better Your perspective is shot and you really need to fix it by getting out there into life.

345,000.

Op I think you're just being goady now, tbh.

Yes. You hugged him. (Your DH). But you say you can't understand why he hugged his DF.

Why can't you? You hugged DH when he was upset. DH hugged his DF when he was upset.

What's not to understand?

If you're worried about risk, that's been comprehensively dealt with here, but you still claim not to understand why your DH did what he did.

YABU

I have pretty severe anxiety, to the point I’ve been under the crisis team four times and almost sectioned. I know everyone is different, and I don’t mean to sound like it’s a competition, but even as someone with anxiety I would not act the way you are about this. You’re being completely unreasonable, sorry. And not just to your DH, and your DFIL, but also to your DD. You are not allowing her to interact with others or experience anything. She will end up being incredibly clingy because she only knows you, and therefore when you do decide that others can hold her, she will end up screaming and crying because she only knows you. Babies pick up on stress, too. And if she grows up with an incredibly anxious mum, it will result in making her anxious too. I’m sorry, I’m just telling you the truth. I get it, I waited six weeks postpartum until anyone met/held my baby but we were in the peak and he was 2 weeks premature. All of my family and my DP’s family have held our baby, and a couple of incredibly close family friends. My baby is so happy, always laughing and smiling. He will literally go to anyone and be happy about it, he’s so social. I looked at it this way: I can either isolate myself and ruin motherhood for myself and make myself mentally ill, or I could understand the risks and that it’s not going anywhere soon, act appropriately with hand washing and clean clothes, and only see family and those closest to us. The mental benefits outweigh the risks, trust me. Of course there’s always going to be that worry, but that’s a normal part of being a parent. What you are doing right now is detrimental to yourself, your DH and your DD. I really don’t say this to be harsh, I just think it’s important to get across these points.

You are clearly very anxious, and I’m glad you haven’t said anything to your DH, but he probably knows how you’re feeling from your body language - and keeping in the spare room is ridiculous. His grandmother has just died.

Right now your DH isn’t the problem. I’d recommend going to your GP to tell them what’s going on, or to seek out a private CBT therapist (NHS waiting lists are ridiculous, especially right now) to help you with this.

Ultimately, you’re just going to be anxious, paranoid and miserable, which in the long term will have an affect on your family - and your relationship with your DD.

Please seek help.

@Trinketsfor20

are you new to Mumsnet OP? what a unanimously winded up outcome has resulted from your first ever post - it’s such a shame. Everyone has got wound up. All of us. Anyway I do hope you continue to enjoy Mumsnet over time.

Ah. I'm inclined to agree Trinkets

@EarringsandLipstick

Op I think you're just being goady now, tbh.

Yes. You hugged him. (Your DH). But you say you can't understand why he hugged his DF.

Why can't you? You hugged DH when he was upset. DH hugged his DF when he was upset.

What's not to understand?

If you're worried about risk, that's been comprehensively dealt with here, but you still claim not to understand why your DH did what he did.

Because DH and I are from the same household. Isn't that the guidelines.

It's not about hugging a family member who is upset. Jesus. I get that. I really do.
I love his family and I'd want to hug them too.

I'm not upset that he showed sympathy and comfort. I'm upset that this isn't within the gov safety guidelines and he could've put us all at risk. 😔

I can't help but feel like what he did was a potential risk to myself but even worse DD.

Oh my god OP how many times do we have to tell you that neither you or your baby are at risk!!

You are the main risk to your child here, and to your husband. This sort of out-of-control anxiety, where you're unable to think rationally even with hundreds of people telling you the facts, is the sort of thing that destroys marriages and ruins childhoods. Ask me how i know!

Coronavirus is not going to go away you are going to have to learn to live with it and let things like this go, you are at no more risk than anyone else and your husband was consoling his dad.

I'm gobsmacked at how unreasonable you are. If a woman posted that her husband had made her sleep in the spare room for hugging her grieving parent the man would be torn to shreds and called a cruel abusive bastard.

It's clear the pandemic has ramped up your anxiety, you should talk to your GP, with the baby it could be PND too? Cases are so low now your husband will have been more at risk of being hit by a car on the journey home than catching covid. You really need to get out of the mindset that everyone outside your home is a threat to your life.