To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

Gosh you have taken such a bashing!

Oh course it is reasonable to be concerned that not abiding by social distancing advice will have put your DH at a certain (unknown) risk of contracting COVID. That is why the social distancing advice is given.
And of course that will now put you at risk.
So YANBU to be somewhat annoyed.

But I think it is understandable to hug his grief stricken father. The overall risk of transmission is still very low. And even if you were unfortunate enough to contract COVID, once again the risk of becoming dangerously ill is very low, even with mild asthma. So please try not to worry too much.

Us humans are universally poor at assessing risk accurately, even though we like to think we are rational. In truth we are all hugely influenced by many subjective factors when thinking about risk.
So I think many of the posters are being very unfair to you. I can fully understand the approach you have taken. (Not that it really matters but both myself and my partner are doctors and one of us works on intensive care and have cared for many COVID patients. And we are “rational” in everyday life, but totally get why you have maintained more stringent isolation measures.)

In fact there are still many academics who would support more stringent restrictions. And i think it’s fair to say that one of the main reasons for easing restrictions in the U.K. is economics and mental well being - not strictly speaking just because the incidence of COVID cases has reduced.

And of course social distancing still applies to your baby! Do some posters really expect that you wouldn’t be careful with a precious child?! It sounds like your baby is doing well and I doubt will suffer any long lasting “damage” from social distancing outside the household.

Another thought - we have a maternal instinct that kicks in postnatally that makes us more vigilant than normal whilst we care for a vulnerable dependant. Some folk will feel this more strongly and hypervigilance can become a problem. You should keep and eye on this and consider talkIng to a professional/counsellor if it’s getting overwhelming or affecting your daily life more than what those you love and trust think is reasonable.

You don’t need to take the baby to the funeral with you. It’s reasonable to sit this one out.

So I understand your annoyance and concern. But try to keep a more objective perspective (it’s hard I know), be kind to your husband and be kind to yourself.

@Marleymoo42
Very sensitively and well put. Coming to terms with risk is necessary simply for living life without going crazy, with or without a pandemic in the background!

I understand how you feel. Anxiety is dreadful. It can take over everything, especially when you have a baby. You will be fine. Perhaps a talk with your gp about anxiety will help.

Taking a baby to a funeral would usually only happen at a family funeral where you had no sitter as they were all there too but I can only speak from my experience of actually taking a baby and it being fine

@gentlerock Do you watch/read the news every day? I suffer from anxiety and stopped this months ago because there’s no benefit and it will make your anxiety worse.
Also, when my anxiety was very bad last year (divorce and father died) it ended up making me very ill and causing me a lot of physical symptoms. I had no idea this could happen to someone.
I think it might help you to discuss your concerns with a doctor or counsellor. Of course we all have to be extra cautious right now but we also have to keep living our lives and it’s impossible to eliminate risk entirely. The idea of what your husband did is making you so angry and upset because you’re trying so hard to eliminate risk which is unnatural, not just with Covid, there is always some risk in our lives and the lives of our children. We have to decide which things in life are worth the risk and I think hugging a grieving loved one is one of those things.

OP, I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said. You have anxiety, and/or potentially PND and you need to phone your midwife and get some help.

It's not your fault - it's an anxious time and because you've been cut off from the world you've not seen the anxieties and rituals build up. We strictly shielded because DH's mother stayed with us for three months during lock down, so I can completely empathise with how hard it is to 're-enter'. And much worse when you bring a newborn into the situation.

Going against much of the thread though, I don't think you should go to the funeral. I think you will need too much support from your DH on a day when you should be focused on supporting him. It's better you don't go, but do let that be the push you need to get some help.

Yabu ffs

I really sympathise with your anxiety but the more you isolate yourself the worse it will become. It’s a vicious cycle. And if you can’t look past your husband supporting his own father at the worst possible times then I do think you’re utterly past the point of helping yourself and you need profession help.

I do (kindly) think YABU to be annoyed at your DH. Emotions take hold in these situations and it's human nature to want to hug and comfort your loved ones at a time like this. I know you say you've not said anything to him but if the shoe were on the other foot, if you'd sadly lost one of your Grandparents, can you honestly 100% say you wouldn't have hugged your Mum or Dad if you saw them breakdown crying? My Grandad's funeral was the first week of lockdown. We were only allowed 5 people to attend the service and I drove my Mum or she wouldn't have been able to get there otherwise. I would've been extremely hurt and upset if my DH then said I had to sleep in the spare room at an emotional time when I needed him, because I had given physical comfort to my Mum when she needed it. My Mum was the only one not to have a partner to support her and it broke my heart to see her crying on her own.
On a side note - as us Grandchildren weren't able to be in the chapel for the service, we followed the hearse as normal and they allowed us to stand outside (socially distanced) in order for us to observe the service. Is this a possibility for you? That way you can stay in the car with your DD and still pay your respects? Hopefully she may sleep on the way to, so then you can have a good cry while she is sleeping or stand outside with her in her pram?

Oh, for heaven's sake! How daft can you be - you not him!
But I always wonder when people get a unanimous YABU on Mumsnet, do they think, okay, I was unreasonable - or ignore it? How do you get through everyday life, pandemic aside, with this degree of paranoia?

Firstly, taking a baby to a funeral is entirely personal choice (even in non pandemic times) some people would be ok with it, some wouldn't. I wouldn't take my young baby to a funeral either if I'm completely honest, but I think you should have this conversation with your husband and see what he thinks. But if you and your daughter attended the funeral with your husband you would all be very safe, they have lots of strict measures in place.

Secondly, I struggled with my mental health post natally too, and it was horrific, and everyone around me knew before I did, I genuinely believed I was calm and rational....I absolutely wasn't!!!! In this situation, your anxiety has gotten the better of you and has taken over your rational thought process, but it seems like you haven't realised this yet, as everyone is giving you the answer but you're still convinced that what you're saying is correct. You're factually correct in that he has broken the social distancing guidelines, however where things are going off kilter here, is the level of risk you're convinced he has now put you and your daughter at, this is your anxiety speaking and I absolutely promise you, that there is as good as no chance that the outcome of this will be you dying and leaving your daughter. This is an incredibly common anxiety among parents (especially mum's) it honestly is something we all fear, but learning to live with that anxiety and not allow it to take over your everyday life is where you need to be at. Speak with your GP, I have just started CBT remotely and I honestly cannot recommend it enough.

And you don't come across self centered to me, you just sound like an overwhelmed anxious new mum

@HisNibs

Sorry Op but it's a YABVU from me too. Considering you've recently had a baby, you know that's not risk free either?

^For women in the UK, pregnancy is relatively safe. Their risk of maternal death is around 1 in 10,000 pregnancies, while in parts of Africa the risk is 1 in 100 pregnancies. www.rcpe.ac.uk/sites/default/files/why_mothers_die.pdf^

Out of a total of 23047 women in the UK that have died because of Covid so far, 214 were in the 15-44 age range. I assume you're in that age group? That's just a little less than 1 in 10,000 (about the same as the risk of dying in pregnancy)

This isn't right - what you've calculated is the probability of being 15-44 given that you're a woman who's died of covid.

To get the actual chance of dying of it as a 15-44 year old woman, you take

[probability of catching it] x [214 / total female covid cases in UK]

Which is a number so tiny you literally have more chance of popping off by lightning, car crash, fall down the stairs, or one of the many other illnesses you can catch. Worrying about covid to the extent that you want to tell off your grieving husband means you have some serious issues. There's guidelines but there's also real human life that has to be lived.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Why don’t you think babies should go to funerals *@Nanny0gg*? Babies under 6 months old?

Because babies cry and by the time they're taken out they've caused a disturbance.

And yes I've been to funerals where that's happened.

I think its lovely when they're brought to the wake afterwards though

What your husband did broke the rules
But there are times when the rules need to be broken because of something that trumps the tiny risk of covid. One of them is giving and receiving comfort in a bereavement.

Get some hand gel, masks, face shields, plastic aprons. Undress when you come into the house, put clothes in machine, shower, disinfect car keys, door handles, light switches, taps, shower knobs etc.

Be proactive and practical and forearmed and take back control of covid and your anxiety and get help.

OP, asthma is only on the list if it’s not mild/not manageable.

DH has asthma and uses an inhaler daily but has spoken to multiple doctors who say he is absolutely fine to be at work/go out etc because it’s manageable. It doesn’t require isolation.

You’ve heard it a million times on this thread, but please do seek help for your anxiety.

Unreasonable.

Mild asthma isn’t classed as vulnerable anyway.

Dd has asthma that is bad enough to be controlled with daily medication and she’s not classed as vulnerable.

@Girlsjustwanna

You’ve given a lot of identifying info here op

So what?

If someone recognises her in real life, what actual harm do you suppose that would do?

Why are you putting someone off from getting the support they need right now

@gentlerock, in terms of the funeral, my aunt died of COVID back in April, so things may very well have changed since then, but the actual service was held by the graveside, not indoors - don't know if its the same where you are, or if that helps.

Maybe you don't go near your child now so they are at least left with one parent! If you can't do that then maybe you can sympathise with the dad

NannyOgg and plenty of people have been to funerals attended by babies and there has been no issue. Where do you draw the line anyway- what if the mother of an ebf baby just wants to be at a funeral for her own personal reasons- say it is the funeral of her parent? Should she not go in case the baby makes a noise? You can’t just have blanket “babies should not be there” rules- every decision is different and weighs up numerous factors.

YANBU

You have spent months following social distancing and it's natural to feel that all those weeks of being careful are for nothing if you catch covid now.

You've said you feel sympathy and haven't aired your frustration to your partner. Posters are showing their own anxiety because of the grieving situation.

I'm not sure it's helpful posters telling you that you're mentally ill. For many, this has been the new reality of following the guidelines.

Don't be pressured into feeling you should stop social distancing but maybe try going out more. How about going to a supermarket very early in the morning or late in the evening when it will be quiet? Have a plan to bring yourself out of lockdown while still being safe.

@tripletsss

Maybe you don't go near your child now so they are at least left with one parent! If you can't do that then maybe you can sympathise with the dad

@tripletsss I really don't understand what this means??

@Serena1977

What your husband did broke the rules But there are times when the rules need to be broken because of something that trumps the tiny risk of covid. One of them is giving and receiving comfort in a bereavement.

Get some hand gel, masks, face shields, plastic aprons. Undress when you come into the house, put clothes in machine, shower, disinfect car keys, door handles, light switches, taps, shower knobs etc.

Be proactive and practical and forearmed and take back control of covid and your anxiety and get help.

@Serena1977 isn't this being ott?

I think this I one of the things I'm trying to avoid. 😔

Yes, it's OTT.

You do not need things like plastic aprons and face shields.

My brother takes his uniform off and washes it as soon as he comes home but that's because he works in a busy supermarket all day.

There is no need for you to do this as long as you practice appropriate social distancing while out and about.

I suffer from anxiety too OP and it's important for me to keep reminding myself of these things but I also get help for it. I think you should too.

It really does make a world of difference.