To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

@gentlerock

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.

I think it was irresponsible of him.

I feel like he's put us at potential risk.

I haven't said any of this to him, of course I haven't.

But I can't help the way I feel!!

I'm considering shoving him in the spare room for a few weeks!!

Jeez why not just lock him out of the house completely

[quote gentlerock]@CheetasOnFajitas

Not being able to make it is completely different to inventing an excuse not to go.*

How am I inventing an excuse?!

I have a 5 month old baby. I don't feel like it's appropriate to take her.

She's never been left with anyone. She's breastfed so I can't realistically leave her with anyone.

Which part of this have I invented? [/quote]
I am saying that your reasons for thinking it is not appropriate to take the baby are imagined. She’s a baby, a portable baby, not a child who might be upset by the occasion. I started my post by saying that people are less likely to be bothered by a child crying at a funeral than you think.

Look, I get that you may not feel much personal connection to the deceased, and that your DH probably doesn’t need your support in the same way that he would if a parent and not a grandparent had died. Fine, don’t go for that reason. I probably won’t go to my DH’s Gran’s funeral when she dies as she has had dementia since before I met him.

But saying the baby is stopping you is not the the real reason, is it? It’s a convenient excuse. If you really wanted to pay your respects you’d be there.

Sorry Op but it's a YABVU from me too. Considering you've recently had a baby, you know that's not risk free either?

^For women in the UK, pregnancy is relatively safe. Their risk of maternal death is around 1 in 10,000 pregnancies, while in parts of Africa the risk is 1 in 100 pregnancies. www.rcpe.ac.uk/sites/default/files/why_mothers_die.pdf^

Out of a total of 23047 women in the UK that have died because of Covid so far, 214 were in the 15-44 age range. I assume you're in that age group? That's just a little less than 1 in 10,000 (about the same as the risk of dying in pregnancy)

There have been a lot of unnecessarily nasty posts on this thread. There really is no need for it. None.

@gentlerock. As others have said, mild asthma isn't considered a risk and healthy babies/children have only a tiny risk of getting it, let alone being seriously ill from it. DD could probably lick everyone you know and door handles & be totally fine.

Like you, I've only been out for walks since this started and I've also delivered shopping to a very elderly relative (shopping delivered to my house and washed -yes,I'm still washing shopping & will continue to do so whilst Tesco staff are still getting positive rest results! It's a pain in the arse, but so is Covid!!) so I think it's fair to say I'm on your scale of worried about this!

However, I just couldn't be angry with my DH for hugging his Dad if his Grandmother had just died (sadly that ship has long since sailed)

I think avoiding being inside with other people is a good idea, so if DH is genuinely ok with you not going to the funeral I'd do that. I'd ask him to shower when he gets home & put his clothes in the wash (suit somewhere out if the way for a week will be fine) then continue as you have been.

He needs your love and support at home and the risk of any of you catching it is Exceedingly small and the risk of you getting seriously ill is then exceeding small too.

Does his Dad live alone?

Ignore the nasty posts, but as you have accepted, your anxiety is taking over & you do need to talk to your GP & get some help for your sake.

Have you ever looked into whether you could possibly have autism? Some of your comments would indicate that way of thinking and it's very different in females and often missed entirely.

🌷

Your poor DH. Thinking of putting him in the spare room? He is not a dog. You need to get a grip and give him and the wider family some support.

@CheetasOnFajitas

But saying the baby is stopping you is not the the real reason, is it? It’s a convenient excuse. If you really wanted to pay your respects you’d be there*.

My options are take the baby, or don't go.

DH Gran was a grandmother to me too.
She's been in my life 12 years and of course I'd want to go and pay my respects.

DD is 5 months old. She's at the stage of babbling and curiousness.
She's not a quiet sleeping baby.

@titchy

But I can't help the way I feel!!

Well if your anxiety is that bad then, yes you can help how you feel - you can be responsible and get some medication for it.

I'm so pleased someone said this. 'I can't help how I feel' is the anthem of people ruled by their emotions

[quote gentlerock]@CheetasOnFajitas

Not being able to make it is completely different to inventing an excuse not to go.*

How am I inventing an excuse?!

I have a 5 month old baby. I don't feel like it's appropriate to take her.

She's never been left with anyone. She's breastfed so I can't realistically leave her with anyone.

Which part of this have I invented? [/quote]
I’m really worried about you op. Really worried. Do you have friends who you could dismiss to about your anxiety. Seriously. The way you’re thinking is not ok. That you think your husband and child would be better off without you. How they’d feel relief at you not bringing them down. These aren’t the thoughts of someone with a well mind

You sound like your experiencing very acute anxiety. You asked how your collapse. High stress levels bring with it multiple health complications. Heart attacks. To name a few. But also high stress levels also mean high cortisol levels. Which mean high blood pressure levels and high blood sugar levels. Over a prolonged period of time. Those damage the system. Heart arteries. All sorts. High stress levels definitely need addressing. Sooner rather than later.

I’d really ring up for an appointment tomorrow op and explain everything that’s happened. How you feel. The level of anxiety you’ve been feeling. How you’ve had no real social interaction over these last few months. They won’t laugh. I promise.

Nobody would be upset by your DD babbling at the funeral service.

[quote gentlerock]@CheetasOnFajitas

But saying the baby is stopping you is not the the real reason, is it? It’s a convenient excuse. If you really wanted to pay your respects you’d be there*.

My options are take the baby, or don't go.

DH Gran was a grandmother to me too.
She's been in my life 12 years and of course I'd want to go and pay my respects.

DD is 5 months old. She's at the stage of babbling and curiousness.
She's not a quiet sleeping baby.[/quote]
I didn’t assume that she was a quiet sleeping baby. (They don’t exist!) I said that people won’t care if you take a noisy baby. And at 5 months there is no way that the occasion will have any effect on her.

@IncrediblySadToo

There have been a lot of unnecessarily nasty posts on this thread. There really is no need for it. None.

@gentlerock. As others have said, mild asthma isn't considered a risk and healthy babies/children have only a tiny risk of getting it, let alone being seriously ill from it. DD could probably lick everyone you know and door handles & be totally fine.

Like you, I've only been out for walks since this started and I've also delivered shopping to a very elderly relative (shopping delivered to my house and washed -yes,I'm still washing shopping & will continue to do so whilst Tesco staff are still getting positive rest results! It's a pain in the arse, but so is Covid!!) so I think it's fair to say I'm on your scale of worried about this!

However, I just couldn't be angry with my DH for hugging his Dad if his Grandmother had just died (sadly that ship has long since sailed)

I think avoiding being inside with other people is a good idea, so if DH is genuinely ok with you not going to the funeral I'd do that. I'd ask him to shower when he gets home & put his clothes in the wash (suit somewhere out if the way for a week will be fine) then continue as you have been.

He needs your love and support at home and the risk of any of you catching it is Exceedingly small and the risk of you getting seriously ill is then exceeding small too.

Does his Dad live alone?

Ignore the nasty posts, but as you have accepted, your anxiety is taking over & you do need to talk to your GP & get some help for your sake.

Have you ever looked into whether you could possibly have autism? Some of your comments would indicate that way of thinking and it's very different in females and often missed entirely.

🌷

@IncrediblySadToo

Have you ever looked into whether you could possibly have autism? Some of your comments would indicate that way of thinking and it's very different in females and often missed entirely

That's really interesting. Which posts in particular?

I've always felt like my way of thinking isn't right. Not necessarily anxious, but just sometimes a bit irrational and far fetched.

Agree completely with @IncrediblySadToo
I really dislike the way so many don't just jump but leap on the bandwagon to completely humiliate posters who show worry or anxiety over coronavirus...but if a poster for example, says "I've had enough of coronavirus and hugged my vulnerable eighty nine year old mother despite going to the pub last week with a group of friends" that would be met with sympathy...

You need some perspective on life, you cannot project your anxiety onto others. Imagine in years to come you become berieved by the loss of a parent, your daughters grandparent and neither of you can hug when you are upset. You are only thinking of your mental health and not that of your DH or his father. It's time for you break out of your bubble and slowly reintegrate.

You're being hysterical.

Many people would take comfort at seeing a new baby at a funeral- circle of life and all that.

OP, the reason I brought up you attending the funeral with the baby was because funerals are so different just now, and it may be a real support to your H if you and baby are there.

It’s his loss. You can’t make it all about you.

And you need to start getting out and into the world around people, the longer you put it off the worse it will feel.

I think it also would help knowing that mild asthma doesn’t really put you at risk very much more than a person without it. Unless you’ve been ad tired during the last 6 months.

You are classed as having a moderate risk.

My mother is very shielded. I’m also shielded. But not to the extent she is. I was at home for a long time. But slowly. Surely. Life is starting to return. Somewhat to normal.

You’ve a young child. They need socialisation. They need people who laugh in their faces almost. People who smile. Not on FaceTime. But actually in person. A child can see a genuine smile. It’s really important. We’re in a new world now. Foreseeable for the future. We need a new ‘normal’.

I wouldn’t take the child to a funeral right now. 100%. Also seeing as it seems you weren’t close. If my husband gran died. I’d be there in a shot. But we’re all an incredibly close family. There aren’t many of us. But others in his family. Not so. Even some of my own family. So I agree there.

@Hubstar

I think it also would help knowing that mild asthma doesn’t really put you at risk very much more than a person without it. Unless you’ve been ad tired during the last 6 months.

You are classed as having a moderate risk.

My mother is very shielded. I’m also shielded. But not to the extent she is. I was at home for a long time. But slowly. Surely. Life is starting to return. Somewhat to normal.

You’ve a young child. They need socialisation. They need people who laugh in their faces almost. People who smile. Not on FaceTime. But actually in person. A child can see a genuine smile. It’s really important. We’re in a new world now. Foreseeable for the future. We need a new ‘normal’.

I wouldn’t take the child to a funeral right now. 100%. Also seeing as it seems you weren’t close. If my husband gran died. I’d be there in a shot. But we’re all an incredibly close family. There aren’t many of us. But others in his family. Not so. Even some of my own family. So I agree there.

I was really close to her. I know I seem heartless but I don't feel comfortable taking DD. 😔

This is the tricky thing about MH & lockdown.
All things that are unhealthy in usual times suddenly became encouraged - the law even. So - necessarily, unfortunately - some ppl will have found MH issues worsened by literally following govt guidelines on how to live.
One of my closest friends has always had anxiety around cleaning, most of her life. Suddenly the recommendation is to wash & clean as much as possible. People washing clothes getting back indoors, washing packaging, obsessively washing hands. The standard of "normal, healthy behaviour" where you could look around at others and get a fair idea, has disappeared.
People like OP have remained in a lockdown type state, without recognising it's unusual and unhealthy.
It is hard.
So yes, YABVU but you also need to recognise that the way you are "following the guidelines" is actually an excuse you've given yourself for some pretty unhealthy behaviour. And recognise that it would be good to explore getting some help. But don't beat yourself up, it is hard. But you do need to take action.
And don't banish your husband to the spare room!

[quote gentlerock]@CheetasOnFajitas

But saying the baby is stopping you is not the the real reason, is it? It’s a convenient excuse. If you really wanted to pay your respects you’d be there*.

My options are take the baby, or don't go.

DH Gran was a grandmother to me too.
She's been in my life 12 years and of course I'd want to go and pay my respects.

DD is 5 months old. She's at the stage of babbling and curiousness.
She's not a quiet sleeping baby.[/quote]
Just read this

In which case. Yes. I’d go. You only get one chance.

Also people love kids at funerals. Children signify (to most) the joyful innocence of childhood! So I would t worry about that. Plus I love hearing the sound of a babbling child.

@Cavagirl

This is the tricky thing about MH & lockdown. All things that are unhealthy in usual times suddenly became encouraged - the law even. So - necessarily, unfortunately - some ppl will have found MH issues worsened by literally following govt guidelines on how to live. One of my closest friends has always had anxiety around cleaning, most of her life. Suddenly the recommendation is to wash & clean as much as possible. People washing clothes getting back indoors, washing packaging, obsessively washing hands. The standard of "normal, healthy behaviour" where you could look around at others and get a fair idea, has disappeared. People like OP have remained in a lockdown type state, without recognising it's unusual and unhealthy. It is hard. So yes, YABVU but you also need to recognise that the way you are "following the guidelines" is actually an excuse you've given yourself for some pretty unhealthy behaviour. And recognise that it would be good to explore getting some help. But don't beat yourself up, it is hard. But you do need to take action. And don't banish your husband to the spare room!

@Cavagirl I really genuinely struggle with this. Knowing what's normal and what's irrational around the situation..

I never thought I'd be washing down my shopping but so many people seem to do this.

I was content with hand gel and washing hands, but after seeing so much fear mongering at the start I found myself doing so much more and now I'm at the point where I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing for the best.

Like when DD had her vaccinations, I came home and bathed us both.
Now I'm sat thinking should I be putting DH's clothes straight into the wash (they're currently in the wash basket)

You cannot be serious - YABVVVVVU

sending hugs. I would love to comment but I don't feel remotely qualified to, to be honest.
I think though, realistically you know you don't need to wash the clothes.
But there's that little voice saying "guidelines", "risk", "what if" that's been allowed to get a lot bigger because of the pandemic, and now sounds so reasonable, and responsible. It's hard.
How about - don't wash the clothes, and see?

I’m observing all the rules strictly. I haven’t hugged my elderly mum since all started even though I cannot see there is much more risk in hugging her than in sitting 2 metres apart and chatting. But even a strict rule follower like me knows that sometimes rules should be broken and a father and son hugging after a shared bereavement is one of those times. They are both grieving and needed support and comfort. The need for basic love and compassion there far outweighed the fairly small extra risk involved.

You’ve given a lot of identifying info here op