To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

@chocaholic73

I seriously cannot believe the amount of posts on here berating the OP because of her concerns. She has expressed sympathy and understanding as to why her DH hugged his Dad. The attitude of most posters saying she's unreasonable reflects what I have observed elsewhere - most people seem to think that we are back to normal when we are still living with a pandemic. In my opinion, she is totally right, she has health issues and a young child but, even if she didn't, I would still think that.

I don’t agree that most people think we are back to normal. The OP’s partner hugged his bereaved father, hardly an indicator of being back to normal, rather a very small expression of the human need for physical contact in a time of great distress.

That is the only reason to go. If you did, you should go, baby and all, nobody will care.

Oh, behave! I loved both my grandparents to bits, but for various reasons I didn't make it to either of their funerals. Shit happens,

I can't get over the fact you wash your post and groceries, yet go out and meet people

@Neron

This is surely one of those made up threads, where the OP is just here to wind up posters? This cannot be real.

Well this is real. Unfortunately.

@gentlerock. Sorry that post above was meant to copy you in

You asked where the guidelines say you can hug family
Members.

Totally unreasonable!!!

As a Community Mental Health service user of several years I can guarantee 100% that nobody will laugh at you for suffering acute anxiety. This is no way to live OP, you need to choose to do something to change this.

@Teenangels

Hahahahaha mild asthma and you think you are vulnerable, you need to check the NHS website. Those with uncontrolled asthma with hospital stays in the last 6 months are Vulnerable!!

You are being completely unreasonable.

Where did you read that because it's concerning if different pages give different advice? The page of the NHS website that I saw classes people with asthma as "moderate risk (clinically vulnerable)":

have a lung condition that's not severe (such as asthma, COPD, emphysema or bronchitis)

www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/people-at-higher-risk/whos-at-higher-risk-from-coronavirus/

You desperately need help, OP.

You are stuck in full and extreme lockdown, apparently oblivious to how things have changed in the last four months.
Again, you shutting yourselves in your home and not going gout into the wider world has led to this. You have no perception of ho life has changed and how most people are now going about their lives pretty normally. The number of cases and deaths is a fraction of what it was during full lockdown.

You haven't been to a shop, you haven't been anywhere where normal people are getting on with their normal lives as far as humanly possible. Pretty much everyone with mild asthma is back at work, whatever that work is. Maybe at a supermarket, a hospital, a transport hub, a factory. Yet you won't even go into one for five minutes.

Walk down a high street or go to a busy park. See that friends are stopping to chat to each other. See that supermarket staff are relaxed and chatty and spending their 40 hour week in there. See that people are sitting in a beer garden laughing and chatting. See families having a picnic while their kids bomb around playing.

Seriously, for you and for anyone who's been pretty much hibernating, I think it's SO important that you go out and see real life happening instead of only seeing it on the news. It's key for perspective and confidence.

Well if it's real, it's one of the most pathetic things I have ever read on here. So sad.

I say this gently, but I think you need to try and get to grips with your anxiety here. The risk is very small and even if you did get it the overwhelming probability is that you'd get mild symptons or not at all.

The pandemic is NOT going to go away until there is a vaccine. That is likely many months away. Are you really going to not go anywhere at all in all that time? It's difficult for everyone but we all need to make our own risk assessments of what is safe and what isn't.
your dh hugging a family member, while yes potentially minimally risky, is entirely reasonable.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

That is the only reason to go. If you did, you should go, baby and all, nobody will care.

Oh, behave! I loved both my grandparents to bits, but for various reasons I didn't make it to either of their funerals. Shit happens,

Not being able to make it is completely different to inventing an excuse not to go.

@CheetasOnFajitas

I don’t think people are as bothered by babies crying at funerals as they are about them crying at weddings. You are using your baby as an excuse not to attend. Take her out of the equation:

1. Did you know and love/respect the deceased?

That is the only reason to go. If you did, you should go, baby and all, nobody will care. If you didn’t, don’t, but own the reason and don’t use the baby as an excuse.

FGS we are in the middle of a pandemic. This is her DH's grandmother. I'm sure she is upset but there is no need for her to go to the funeral and drag a baby with her, particularly when numbers are likely limited. If one of my grandparents had died I would be telling my DH not to come to the funeral and to stay at home and look after the kids.

• It's hard not to feel that you're being disingenuous now. You are trivialising what is happening here, which is that you are having irrational fears of death. This is not uncommon at the moment, but it is a problem, and you need to sort it out. You ring the GP and talk about how scared you are and how much your anxiety is affecting your life.

And seeking therapy and/or medication is a much better and easier solution than "leaving DD with DH" - oh, the drama!*

It's anxiety and panic. If OP could think it all through rationally, she wouldn't be so anxious about this in the first place is it?

Anxiety affects your brain responses and reactions, and a lot of time puts you in flight/fight/freeze , rather than measured,rational thoughts and actions.
S
A lot of the time the though of seeing a GP or HV is a lot scarier than the anxiety itself..

Of course OP should seek help and she needs it, but until she does that/reaches that conclusion doesn't mean she has to behave the way you want her to .

MattBerrysHair

As a Community Mental Health service user of several years I can guarantee 100% that nobody will laugh at you for suffering acute anxiety. “

Or, just maybe, she’s concerned that her bereaved FIL was exposed to Covid?
I know it’s a thing now to pretend we’re back to normal but in light of him having sat in an hospital with a confirmed outbreak for 3 days I’d say there are some grounds for her concern.
Can’t believe how nasty some people are being.

YABU. Your DH was entirely reasonable to hug his dad.

Mild asthma doesn’t make you vulnerable. In fact cardiovascular risk factors seem to be more relevant than mild asthma as far as Covid is concerned.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Not being able to make it is completely different to inventing an excuse not to go.*

How am I inventing an excuse?!

I have a 5 month old baby. I don't feel like it's appropriate to take her.

She's never been left with anyone. She's breastfed so I can't realistically leave her with anyone.

Which part of this have I invented?

The NHS website says that mild asthma has a ‘moderate risk’ but you can work outside the home and go shopping. I work for the NHS and have just completed an updated COViD risk assessment. Mild asthma risk is rated very low. I suffer from anxiety and have put a lot of effort in addressing over the last few months. I can recommend it, I feel better than I have in years. I suggest you find some way to get some perspective as your assessment of risk is way off.

Mild asthma (me) severe asthma (DH) both had covid, completely fine, asthma isn’t actually much of a risk factor, certainly nothing like diabetes. Asthmatics were cautioned early on but the data hasn’t proved it to be much of a risk factor even if it were running like wildfire currently. The risk to mental health is a real issue though.

The overall fatality rate from covid is now understood to be around 0.65% but please bear in mind that figure includes everyone - the very elderly suffering from multipe underlying condition. So for you, that number will be a great deal lower, you've got literally no increased chance statistically of dying from covid in the near future. Your baby is at extremely minimal risk.

And to point out the obvious to the OP, that's 0.65 of the people who actually get Covid. And at the moment, even in your area, it's only one person in 75,000 today who will get it. And that person's case will almost certainly be mild.

0.65% rather

OP I’m not going to comment on whether YABU or not because honestly if this is anxiety talking I know from personal experience that it can overshadow everything. After the birth of my second child I had a major health scare that caused horrible health anxiety and I was constantly terrified I would leave them without a mother. It was damaging to me and them, because I was too scared to do anything. I had therapy and took medication for a while and honestly couldn’t believe the difference, I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was getting better. When coronavirus hit I had a minor relapse but touched base with my therapist again and now I have coping strategies that help me deal with day to day life.

If you think your anxiety may be worse than you realised I honestly can’t recommend getting help enough, it literally changed mine and my daughters life so much. Good luck OP!

OP, I’ve had to re-join Mumsnet simply because I want to make a comment on your post and say YANBU, despite what so many on here seem to think.

I am shocked and saddened at how many people are saying you are being unreasonable, as I believe you have every right to feel upset by your husband’s actions. Yes, your husband was only doing what is instinctive when you wish to comfort a loved one, but these aren’t normal times.
I will admit I am suffering from anxiety at the moment, but this doesn’t take away from thinking logically and following the basic rules we have been set. I am fed up of people saying ‘we all have to make our own judgement in a situation’. No, we have to follow the rules. We are all at risk of passing this virus on to others, and the amount of people I see being selfish about this is shocking (not referring to your husband/FIL here).

I expect you are feeling quite hurt by all these negative comments towards you, but please know I am on your side here

He was right to give his dad a hug.

I think you're being over anxious and not putting the risks in context.

This was very exceptional circumstances, and a very small risk.

Even IF his dad caught covid from the hospital ward, its really unlikely for it to pass to your DH that quickly.

If your DH did somehow get it, it's not that bad for most people, and he, you, and the baby, would probably recover quickly.