To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

Op! Going against the tide here, its can understand your anxiety.

It's pretty normal I think to be slightly cautious and anxious at times of disease break outs with a small baby.

Of course what your dh did was natural instinct but from my pov having lost at different times 2 very close family members suddenly and one more naturally, my thinking would be more along the lines of, things are bad enough let's,
Mitigate further tragedy and risk.

I think most mothers of small babies do have certain amount of alert in them or the human race wouldn't exist.

There is a time and place to be anxious, and perhaps in the middle of a pandemic is that time.

Op, don't punish your dh and don't worry about the more virulent posts. Seeking help for anxiety is quite a well used mn phrase for all sorts of things.

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

YANBU. Ignore the replies from the various nasty sanctimonious twats.

If you’ve been completely isolating for several months, of course you’re going to be anxious suddenly being in other people’s close company. It’s a huge step outside of your actual comfort zone.

Your DD isn’t bound to be clingy just because she’s not being passed around family members, so don’t let that add to your worries. We have no parents or close family so DS wasn’t ever passed around as a baby but he was extremely sociable when he started primary school unlike some of the other children who happen to come from bigger families. It’s just who he is.

There’s no need to attend the whole funeral if you’re not keen because you have the excuse that you have a young baby.

Why not go to the church/crematorium and stand near the back with DD and if she cries, go outside until the service is over. That way, you’ll be showing support without having to stand too close to anyone.

Do the same if there’s a Wake afterwards.

I agree that you’re probably being overly cautious and fearful compared to the actual level of risk so maybe talk to your GP and be guided by them.

Taking baby steps to reduce your anxiety is perfectly reasonable.

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

I absolutely know DD isn't going to have social issues. On our walks we've been with our antenatal friends and she smiles at them and their babies.

My mum comes over and she laughs / giggles when she talks to her.

She's a happy smiley baby.

It's been hard, I probably have isolated unnecessarily, but as a first time mum and dealing with a pandemic I think I'm obviously over thinking things.

@gentlerock she'll absolutely have social issues if she grows up with a mother with anxiety so bad she wouldn't want a man to hug his grieving father. Are you getting any help, OP?

I think you are not unreasonable to be a bit annoyed, but you are definitely being unreasonable to be petrified. That is not a normal, proportionate reaction.

But OP there's a risk every time you leave your house. Will you never go in a car/bus/public transport because of road accidents?

What if there's no vaccine for 3 years?

What about all the people who every day work in public places or supermarkets? My DH works in a busy A&E dept. We don't know anyone who has died of covid.

Topsy

You went to your dp and gave them lots of hugs etc but I assume you have not yourself been in hospital for days recently? Or been in an area where there maybe a chance of catching covid?

I would also give my dp lots of hugs, however only if I had been relatively confined and careful.

The issue here is that the dad had been in hospital.

Hold on....

Hug a grieving father in the middle of a pandemic after 3 days in hospital.

Yep, very unreasonable.

Wow, you're hash OP - if you nan dies and you are upset and your dad is upset and you don't give her a hug....THEN you might be bale to say he was being unreasonable....but until then, have some empathy

@ikus84

But OP there's a risk every time you leave your house. Will you never go in a car/bus/public transport because of road accidents?

What if there's no vaccine for 3 years?

What about all the people who every day work in public places or supermarkets? My DH works in a busy A&E dept. We don't know anyone who has died of covid.

WHat if there's NEVER a vaccine!

OP you have had lots of good advice here re your anxiety. Being a new mum can be a scary time and being a new mum in a pandemic even tougher. It is normal to have a little anxiety with a baby but your anxiety sounds very severe. The risk is not small it is minuscule that your DH will have caught covid off his dad. The risk to you or your daughter is also tiny even with your mild asthma if you did catch it. There are much more riskier things in everyday life that you are probably doing than the risk to your or your daughter’s life from Covid.

[quote Bitchinkitchen]@gentlerock she'll absolutely have social issues if she grows up with a mother with anxiety so bad she wouldn't want a man to hug his grieving father. Are you getting any help, OP?[/quote]
Throughout we've followed the "rules"

Where does it say restrictions are now relaxed to hug family members, just out of curiosity? Have I missed this?

I know we all make our choices but if we are being told to maintain 2m distance from anyone outside our household then how am I wrong for following that?

I know the situation is sad. I really do and if I'd have seen my father in law today I would've wanted hug him too, but i probably wouldn't.
Not because I'm heartless or not caring but because of the imposed risks.

My father in law goes to work every day, he's an estate agent so has contact with a lot of people. They use the supermarket, and his wife has been using an outdoor gym.

As mentioned they have been at the hospital recently where a small outbreak has been announced.

I don't think I'm wrong for recognising there is a risk in what he did.
I accept, I'm being unreasonable for feeling annoyed, but I don't think anyone can tell me that there's 0 chance than he, me or DD could now end up with Covid.

Why don't you go to the spare room? Why does he have to move???

Ok I just checked the stats.

In the uk circa 45,700 people have died of covid.

In 2018 122,000 people were in car accidents.

I don't think anyone can tell me that there's 0 chance than he, me or DD could now end up with Covid.

I don't

This post really takes the biscuit. In fact, is it even for real?! YABVU.

Of course there's not 0 chance of catching Covid.

There's also not 0 chance of you being struck by lightning, dying in a plane/car crash, terrorism, drowning, being electrocuted, earthquake, etc etc. There's constantly a chance of dying of something.

OP...what are you going to do if there's no vaccine for 3 years??

or ever??

I know the situation is sad. I really do and if I'd have seen my father in law today I would've wanted hug him too, but i probably wouldn't.
Not because I'm heartless or not caring but because of the imposed risks.

If it were your father in that situation, I bet you you would hug him too. I am usually not on this side of the argument, but when someone is grieving, it's just such a difficult situation. They are both grieving. There has to be some leniency.

Wow. That is all

I don't think anyone can tell me that there's 0 chance than he, me or DD could now end up with Covid.

I don't think anyone can tell you there's zero chance of you, or anyone else, getting Covid.

Regardless of what your DH did.

That's the nature of a viral illness that isn't controlled or possible to control. We can limit risk (as you've been doing) but it's not zero.

Likewise, sadly there's no way of guaranteeing zero chance of any other illness or traumatic life event.

You're still at it.

'I'm right, I'm right, I'm right' 🙄

of course there's not a 0% chance...but you could have caught it from ANYWHERE.

Unless none of you have ever left the house until these past 3 days and have been quarantining all things coming into the house and disinfecting them where possible, whist wearing PPE and ensuring no contamination of anything.

But if youhaven't done that, then you might have caught it 9 days ago from the tin of baked beans you bought, or the person passing you in the street....

@ikus84

Of course there's not 0 chance of catching Covid.

There's also not 0 chance of you being struck by lightning, dying in a plane/car crash, terrorism, drowning, being electrocuted, earthquake, etc etc. There's constantly a chance of dying of something.

There'sa 100% chance you'll die from something.

If there was Covid on a ward an hd anyone had been in contact with those diagnosed they would be informed so YABU to worry about that.

@00100001

OP...what are you going to do if there's no vaccine for 3 years??

or ever??

I don't know. If this is the case then In all seriousness DD and DH will be better off without me, I don't want to condemn them to a life of misery from me.

I don't realise I was that bad. I was asking on here before telling DH I was feeling worried about the hug.

I actually thought people would say "yeah it's sad but he's probably put you all at risk now"

I can't tell if people seem to be wound up by the fact I'm worried about Covid or if it's because I've said I'm annoyed at what DH did and there's been a death.