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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave 8 & 10 year alone to go out to dinner?

430 replies

BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:21

DH has suggested we go out to dinner together and leave the DC home alone. His parents often did this once he turned 10. I don't know if I'm being over protective as I was never left alone as a child. We live in a block of flats and would let our direct neighbours know they were alone, DC know them and could go and knock if they needed help for any reason. They offered to do this a while ago, but we thought the DC were too young so didn't. Neighbour suggested it as it's what her parents did when she was young (she wouldn't want to sit in our flat with them).

Get them ready for bed, stick a film on and let them go to bed when tired/fall asleep on the sofa. Acceptable or not?

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 29/07/2020 15:07

I do think people are unusually cautious about this stuff in the UK and that most children are far more capable than we think. At that age, if they are generally sensible and get on well with each other, they should be OK at home. Not sure I'd be happy about them going to bed alone though - have you left them for this long during the day? Why don't you and DH go out for a weekend lunch without them instead and see how that goes?

ralphi · 29/07/2020 15:09

I live in Germany and I do get the fact that things can sometimes seem a little more relaxed, especially with the whole walking to school alone, or at least in a group from an age around 7 or 8 ish thing.

That said, I don't think you are being ridiculously British, I am not sure that I know a single German family that would leave the kids to go out for dinner. Going shopping for an hour is though I think something that would be considered normal in Germany (and something that I would probably do too, but I have a supermarket 2 min away)

You don't say why you don't get a babysitter? Surely a much easier solution. Would you be able to relax at all if you did leave them alone?

Venicelover · 29/07/2020 15:10

Since when do 'cultural norms' override common sense?

It would be irresponsible and neglectful and if I lived in the building I would report you and tell you I had done so.

In an emergency situation, no one can say how a child will react.

Is it really worth risking for a meal out?

Get a babysitter organised (by advertising for one if necessary) so that the situation does not occur.

Be a good parent. Remember Maddy McCann?

StatementKnickers · 29/07/2020 15:10

@DidgeDoolittle

A friend of a friend left her 8 year old and 10 year old sons alone for an hour whilst she did the shopping. The 10 year old choked on a piece of Lego. The 8 year old panicked and but rang 999. When said friend got home, there were police and ambulance waiting for her. She got charged and convicted of child neglect. It continues to have consequences for these children. Don't do it.
If this is true, a TEN year old who puts lego in their mouth is either not sensible enough to be left, or has SN/other issues around sensible choices and impulse control. Either way, that isn't a typical 10yo and the parent should have known their kid was not safe to be left.
daisychain1620 · 29/07/2020 15:11

I remember looking up legal ages to leave kids by themselves while ago (my two are teens but was looking out if interest). I found it hard to find a definitive answer but my understanding was that a child under 16 cannot be in 'charge' of another.
I personally wouldn't leave children that young, what if something happened? That something might not be something you could prevent but you'd always think what if and also you'd probably then be done for neglect. Not worth a meal

Frozenfrogs86 · 29/07/2020 15:11

I think there are big cultural differences on this. Britain is very conservative and I can see why it’s become a point of disagreement between you and your DH. I think it’s would probably be better to ask on a German forum as you’ll get more culturally specific advice.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/07/2020 15:12

Absolutely not. My DD is 9 and the longest I've left her alone for is 3 minutes to go to the postbox and back. They wouldn't be able to deal with an emergency and you'd be in all kinds of trouble with SS if it got back to them.

CloudyVanilla · 29/07/2020 15:13

Mine aren't that age yet, my oldest is fine but no I would not do this.

I've already discussed with my partner and the youngest I would leave my children for a whole evening would be when the youngest was 13 and the oldest 17.

Any other ages and it would require a baby sitter.

Lollyneenah · 29/07/2020 15:13

Even if you did go... (which I wouldnt say is a good idea)

I think logistically this would be hard for the 10 year old if you did go ahead, like surely the 8 year old would need putting to bed etc and wouldnt feel safe or settled so probably bounce around causing 10 yr old stress. They might watch something inappropriate on tv and get frightened, decide to sample the wine in the fridge...
It's just endless daft stuff that little ones get up to, especially at the moment when children have had such little freedom that you could find that such a big dose in one go causes them to act in ways they wouldnt ordinarily

Sparkletastic · 29/07/2020 15:13

Because you are asking you are sufficiently unsure as to whether it is the safe thing to do. There's your answer.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2020 15:14

I also can’t believe the amount of threads where folks just fuck off out and leave their young kids alone.Confused

And no I wouldn’t do this. I’d not even do it for An hours shopping, I’d sort that so one of us was home. Never mind so I could go out for dinner.

midnightstar66 · 29/07/2020 15:15

There's no point comparing it to other countries. These kids have been used to the freedoms and responsibilities form the start. Lives are set up for it and they aren't going to be put on the child protection register if something should happen. It's not shocking that 5 year olds in other countries walk home. My mum at 5 used to walk and get 2 busses across town to school and back at 5 in Edinburgh but that doesn't happen now!

diddl · 29/07/2020 15:15

If you don't want to do it Op then don't.

I'd be disgusted at my husband for even suggesting it tbh.

Whilst it says that a 7yr old can be left for a couple of hrs-what circs are they talking about?

Daytime?

A child alone?

Are those guidelines current?

Maybe it was a case of needs must?

ChaoticCatling · 29/07/2020 15:17

@Bluntness100

I also can’t believe the amount of threads where folks just fuck off out and leave their young kids alone.Confused

And no I wouldn’t do this. I’d not even do it for An hours shopping, I’d sort that so one of us was home. Never mind so I could go out for dinner.

A 10 year old isn't a young child. At 11 my DS was home after school alone for two hours four days a week because I was at work. Then inset days and many days in the holidays (broken up as best I could). Many children are in the same situation. I think an hour or so from age 8 to build up to it is reasonable.
Grgyuhgdetujjbdww · 29/07/2020 15:21

I’d wait until they’re 10&12+

TheHoundsofLove · 29/07/2020 15:27

A 10 year old isn't a young child. At 11 my DS was home after school alone for two hours four days a week because I was at work. Then inset days and many days in the holidays (broken up as best I could). Many children are in the same situation. I think an hour or so from age 8 to build up to it is reasonable.
These are my thoughts entirely. How do you develop a reasonably independent secondary age child if you never leave them alone before then?

Cheetahfajita · 29/07/2020 15:27

I wouldn't be able to enjoy a single mouthful knowing I'd left an 8yo at home with his sibling looking after them.

Cheetahfajita · 29/07/2020 15:28

I'd take them with me if I wanted to go out for a meal

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2020 15:28

Have folks forgotten there is also an eight year old. . ?

Notthisagainfgs · 29/07/2020 15:29

I wouldnt leave an 10 and 8 year old at any time. Think if you already leave them alone for an, hour then what's the difference in going for dinner? You have already left them alone before, so surely what makes you question it now..?

alphabetsoup1980 · 29/07/2020 15:29

Honestly, I wouldn't!! Xx

diddl · 29/07/2020 15:29

"At 11 my DS was home after school alone for two hours four days a week because I was at work."

Not quite the same as leaving a 10yr old in charge of an 8yr old to go out for a meal, is it?

pjmask · 29/07/2020 15:32

Can't get over 5 year olds being expected to walk home from school.Mine wouldn't have made it round the corner

This post speaks volumes about the cultural divide here. OP I think you're children are a little young for this. But I also find many responses completely ridiculous. No wonder British children are so lacking in independence skills compared to European counterparts. Not left along until 13, seriously? How do you people think you can both "ask a teenager to babysit" when a teenager who hasn't been out of their parents sight until 13 won't have the first clue how to look after themselves never mind another child.

You also have the inevitable fabricated "I'm a social worker" posts Hmm

Emeraldshamrock · 29/07/2020 15:32

Definitely no from me too.
Although DC do walk to and from school very early in Switzerland it is very well set up and monitored. Unlike here.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2020 15:33

How do you develop a reasonably independent secondary age child if you never leave them alone before then

My 23 year old daughter managed school just fine without me leaving her to baby sit eight year olds, or even alone ,whilst I went out socialising.

Are you suggesting folks need to fuck off out socialising of a night and leave eight year olds and ten year olds alone so they can do secondary just fine?

Right..

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